Swim the Fly (28 page)

“We did tell you, idiot,” Coop says.

Sean scratches at his closed eyes. “Oh, God. It won’t go away. I want to poke out my mind’s eye.”

“I bet it never fades,” Coop says. “I bet when you finally get Tianna in the sack you won’t be able to think of anything else but Ms. Luntz.”

“Shut your piehole right now,” Sean demands. “I’m out of here. Before we see anymore Ms. Luntzes.” He stands, then scurries away.

Coop and me are up and on Sean’s heels. There’s no way we’re letting him off the hook that easy.

“You should have listened to us, Sean,” I say. “How are you ever going to forget Ms. Luntz’s superdroopers? They’ll be swaying in your mind for all eternity.”

“And all that pasty whiteness.” Coop scrunches up his whole face. “Damn!”

Sean plugs his ears and stomps ahead of us. “Shut up shut up shut up shut up!”

Coop and me catch up.

Coop taps Sean on the shoulder. Sean turns and glares.

“Slow down. We’ll stop, okay?” Coop says.

Sean unplugs his ears and sighs. “You promise?”

“I swear.” Coop holds up his right hand. “I’ll never mention Ms. Luntz’s complete and total bare-nakedness again. Or all that loose in her caboose. You can count on me. The words ‘Ms. Luntz’s well-oiled, slicked-up, lewd nude bod’ will never leave my lips.”

Coop and me laugh hysterically while Sean steams.

“You’re such a shit,” Sean says.

“I’m sorry. Really. I’ll stop.” Coop tries to catch his breath. “Seriously. I’m done.”

We walk along in silence for a moment.

“Ms. Luntz’s vagina,” Coop coughs through his fist.

I totally lose it, doubling over.

Sean stuffs his fingers back in his ears and storms ahead.

As we make our way out of the woods, Coop claps me on the shoulder. “Well, dawg. Mission accomplished.”

“Does that actually count?” I say.

“For sure.” Coop laughs. “She’s a woman. She was live. And she was naked. Done, done, and done.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“And now, thanks to Ms. Luntz, we are one step closer to actually having sex.”

“No!” I cringe and shudder. “You did
not
just say that.”

Coop chuckles. “It’s the truth.”

“How could you even put those two things together?”

“Because it’s the natural progression of things, remember?”

I look at Coop like he’s lost his mind.

Coop cracks up. “Okay, so maybe we’re only a quarter-step closer.”

I shake my head. “You are totally and completely whacked.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” He stands up tall as we walk along, side by side.

I’M LYING ON THE WOODEN
lounge chair in my backyard with my eyes closed. The late-afternoon sun feels good on my face. Grandpa’s just mowed the lawn, and the smell of warm fresh-cut grass fills the air. There are some kids playing Wiffle ball next door. I listen to their pretend play-by-play, the
whoosh
of the pitch, the
thwack
of the plastic bat connecting with the ball.

I have to say, it’s nice to just lie here. Everything’s been so nuts lately. And this morning’s beach adventure really wore me out. I feel a sleep wave pulling me under, and I might just let it.

I’m just drifting off when I hear the phone inside the house ring. I’ll let someone else get it. I shift and try to get comfortable again. But the ringing phone reminds me that I haven’t called Valerie back. She left a bunch of messages on my voice mail last night and this morning,
wanting to know if I was okay. I’ve been putting off calling her because I’m not up to playing the whole appendix story over again.

Still, I don’t want her to worry.

I sit up, run my bare feet over the bristly blades of grass, and pull my cell phone from the front pocket of my shorts. Flipping it open, I scroll down and find Valerie’s number. I highlight it and press the
CALL
button.

“Who you calling?” It’s a girl’s voice behind me, along with a muffled ring tone.

I whirl around and blink into the sun. It’s Valerie. I can make her out even though she’s backlit and silhouetted.

“I’m calling you,” I say.

“Oh, okay.” Valerie opens her purse and takes out her ringing phone. She looks at the screen and her eyes light up. “It
is
you. What a coincidence.” She clicks a button and holds it up to her ear. “Hello?”

“Hi. It’s me, Matt.”

“Hey, Matt. How you doing?” Valerie walks over and sits down next to me on the lounge chair. “I’ve been pretty worried about you. I was thinking maybe I should stop by.”

“Sorry I didn’t call you earlier,” I say into the phone. “I’m doing much better.”

“Oh, good. I’m glad. But maybe I should come over anyway. To see for myself.”

“Oh. Yeah. Sure. Come on by. I’m here.”

“Okay. I’ll be there in a second.” Valerie hangs up her phone and holds out her hands, palms up, like she’s just performed a magic trick. “Ta-da.”

“Wow, impressive.” I shut my phone and slip it back in my pocket.

“I know, I know.” Valerie takes a seated bow.

“How did you find out where I lived?”

“A woman has her ways.” Valerie places her fingers on her temples and closes her eyes like she’s using her psychic abilities.

“Now you’re scaring me.”

“It’s called White Pages dot com.” Valerie opens her eyes and smiles. “Lucky for me you happen to be the only Grattons in Lower Rockville.”

“You might want to drop the whole doctor thing and think about becoming a private detective.”

“Or I could be both. Valerie Devereaux, PI, MD.”

“That sounds like a television show.”

“Yeah. A really bad one.” Valerie laughs. “I’m glad you’re feeling better. Everyone was saying you had to go to the hospital.”

“Yeah,” I say. “I did. The doctor thought it might be appendicitis.”

“Oh, no. Did they operate?”

“They were talking about it. But it turned out it wasn’t anything serious.”

“You’ve had some bad luck lately, mister.”

“Tell me about it.”

Valerie leans in close. “At least your head looks better.” She pushes my hair back and touches my forehead with her fingers. It sends a tingle down my spine. “It’s coming along nicely. That’s because I made you put ice on it immediately. Otherwise you might still have a lump.”

She’s wearing perfume. It smells like tangerine and the ocean. I wouldn’t mind staying here for a while, breathing her in. I have to stop myself from moving closer and pressing my nose into her neck. I lean back before the temptation gets too great.

“You’re going to be an awesome doctor,” I say. “Because you’re so nice. And you make house calls. I mean, who does that anymore?”

The corners of Valerie’s eyes crinkle with her smile. “That’s very sweet.” Valerie rummages around in her purse. “Speaking of sweet.” She takes out a pack of candy and holds it out to me. “Want a Jolly Rancher?”

“Sure.” I pry one of the foil-wrapped squares loose. “Thanks.”

Valerie holds up a blue candy. “Blue raspberry. What did you get?”

I look at the green square in my hand. “Green apple, I guess.”

“Do you like blue raspberry better?”

“Why? Do you like green apple better?”

“No,” Valerie says. “You’re not supposed to do that. I’m trying to figure out which one you want.”

“Oh. No. Green apple’s good.” I don’t really like green apple, so I’m assuming she doesn’t, either.

“Phew.” Valerie pops her blue raspberry candy in her mouth. “I would have traded with you, but I don’t really like green apple.”

I put the Jolly Rancher in my mouth. It’s pretty tart. Really tart, actually. Much more than I remembered. My mouth feels like it wants to curl up inside itself.

“You don’t like it, either.” Valerie cracks up. “I can tell.”

“Really? I thought I had a pretty good poker face.”

“You look like someone squirted you in the eyes with a lemon. You should have said something. Spit it out and take a different one.”

“Nah. This is good. Really. Once you get past the shock of how sour it tastes, it’s not so bad.”

We sit in silence for a moment. Tasting our candies.

“So, did you hear about Tony and Mandy Reagan?” Valerie says.

“Hear what?” My heart skips a beat because I know what’s coming.

“Someone posted a picture of them on Facebook. It’s pretty compromising. Everyone’s saying it’s from Ronnie Hull’s party.”

“Huh,” I say. “Has Kelly seen it?”

“Oh, yeah. She went ballistic. I don’t know why she even cares anymore. Tony was all apologetic and saying
that it wasn’t him in the picture, but it’s pretty obvious if you ask me.”

“Do you think they’ll ever get back together?” I hope this is subtle enough, but maybe not, because Valerie’s kind of looking at me funny.

She shrugs. “Who knows? It’s like a bad habit with her. But honestly? I’m a little sick of it. Kelly’s always going on and on about him. It’s like the only thing we ever talk about.”

“Yeah,” I say because I can’t think of anything else.

“So, what
really
happened between you and Tony at that party? I never got the whole story.”

There it is. The question I don’t want to answer. And suddenly, instead of a devil and an angel, it’s like I’ve got Coop’s dad whispering in one ear and Grandpa Arlo whispering in the other. Coop’s dad wants me to lie like crazy.
“She won’t understand,”
he says.
“It’s beyond her female comprehension. She’ll be disgusted and run right to Kelly and blab the whole thing.”

At the same time, Grandpa Arlo reminds me that women are all-knowing and to think otherwise is foolhardy.
“She probably knows already,”
he says.

Which I hadn’t thought about. What if she does know? What if it’s like what happened with Mrs. Hoogenboom and the kitten? Maybe Valerie’s just testing me.

I’m weighing my options, back and forth, when Valerie clears her throat. “Matt? Are you all right?”

“Yeah. I’m fine,” I say, feeling the candy getting thick and sticky on my drying tongue.

“Your eyes, like, glazed over. Are you sure you’re feeling better?”

“It’s not that.” I take a deep breath. “Here’s the thing. I’ll tell you what happened at the party, but you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone else, okay? Because it’s pretty embarrassing.”

“More embarrassing than chess club?”

“Uh, yeah. Just a little.”

Valerie nods. “Okay, I promise.” And I can tell by the way she says it, the way her sapphire eyes look at me, that she means it.

“It’s kind of ridiculous, really. Okay, so. The thing is. That picture of Tony and Mandy. It
is
from Ronnie’s party. I know, because Coop took it.”

“What?” Valerie has a surprised smile on her face.

“It’s a long story, but . . . me and Coop and Sean sort of have this tradition, right? Every summer we’ve set ourselves a goal. Ever since we were, like, eight. Stupid things. Like trying to collect a hundred frogs, or building a clubhouse out of old boxes, or playing a thousand Ping-Pong games.”

“That sounds like fun,” Valerie says.

“Yeah, well. This summer it got kinda out of hand. We decided that — well, Coop actually decided — that our goal would be to try and see . . . a naked girl. In person.”

Valerie tries not to crack up, but she’s not doing a very good job of it.

“I know. It’s dumb. Anyway, so Coop overheard Mandy at the party say she was going to get busy with some guy in Ronnie’s parents’ room. I had no idea the guy was going to be Tony. Believe me. Anyway, that’s why Coop came to get me when I was talking to you. We were going to hide in the closet and watch.”

Valerie’s eyes are wide. “Oh, my God, seriously?” And she can’t help herself anymore. She completely breaks up.

And because she’s laughing, I start to laugh, too. “I know. It’s warped. But it gets even worse. So we’re all crouched down, hiding in this closet, the door just slightly open, when Mandy comes in with Tony. The two of them start making out and undressing each other, and then Sean suddenly gets this massive leg cramp.”

“Oh, no.” Valerie cups her hand over her mouth.

“That’s right. He starts to groan and then he falls over and whacks into me and I smash my head into the door and it flies open and there we are. So obviously, we’re not hiding anymore. Anyway, that’s kind of why Tony was so pissed at me.”

By this time, Valerie’s in fits. She’s got tears streaming down her face. “That’s hilarious,” she says.

“Not one of my prouder moments.”

“Are you kidding me? Tony totally deserves it. He’s
such a slut.” Valerie’s still laughing. She sniffs. “You have to let me tell Kelly. She’ll love it.”

“No,” I say. “You promised.”

“Oh, please. Just Kelly. She’d so appreciate it.”

Valerie must be able to tell by my face how uncomfortable I am because she jumps in before I can say anything. “Never mind. It’s totally between you and me. I won’t say a word.”

Relief washes over me. “Thanks.”

“It was brave of you to tell me,” she says.

I shrug. “I didn’t want to lie.”

Valerie looks down at the grass. “Matt?” She glances up at me. “Can I tell you something?”

There’s a quiver in her voice. And something in the way she’s looking at me. I feel a catch in my breath. An edge-of-the-cliff adrenaline shot. Like, maybe she’s going to say that Kelly really does like me. “Sure,” I say.