Sweet Reflection (6 page)

“Thanks, I think I’m covered.” She got up, grabbed her purse and practically ran off towards Jen and Emma sitting further down the beach.

I hate this thing between us now. I head over to the other side of the table and sit down, pulling Chrissy into my lap. One of her hands starts roaming but I stop her and gently push it away. I don’t want to do that in front of my friends, and I don’t want to make the girls uncomfortable. I see Cassie watching. I think she feels protective of Laurel which is why her eyes have narrowed at Chrissy and she’s got that disapproving frown on her face. Luckily Chrissy’s blissfully unaware that she’s not been welcomed with open arms by the girls. Not that it matters, I won’t be seeing her again after tonight.

Cassie’s eyes meet mine, and I wink at her. She rolls her eyes dramatically, and smiles again. That’s better, she’s too damn pretty for a frown. A laugh echoes over to the table and I see that Laurel didn’t get very far. She’s only a couple of tables away because some asshole has stopped her. He’s coming on strong, his hands are running up and down her arms. She shrugs away, smiling, but I can tell she isn’t in to it. I want to do something but I know it’s going to give me away if I get up, plus I’ve got Chrissy in my lap. I try to make out what they’re saying but they’re slightly too far away. No-one else at the table is paying attention to them. My fists clench and I know any second I’m going to flip. This guy thinks he’s God’s gift. His arm reaches her hip and she puts her hand up to stop him from leaning in. I slam my glass on the table. I’m perched; ready to leap up if she so much as gives the word. There’s a frown on her face and she moves to walk away but he grabs her arm and pulls her into him. She struggles against him and I wait a second to see if she can get away but it’s a second too late. Ryan has crossed the room from behind the bar and is in the guy’s face, telling him to leave. She’s standing just behind and he’s got his arm in front of her protectively. What a fucking hero. I watch her face as she turns to Ryan and I can’t stand the look in her eyes. It’s relief and gratitude and heat all in one and it’s like a punch to my stomach. I pull Chrissy off my lap, “I gotta get some air,” and leave her at the table whilst I head out onto the patio.

I walk over to the railings and slump down, leaning my elbows onto them. I feel like I’m going to freak out every time I look at her. I just want to go all caveman and warn every guy out there that she is mine. But I can’t. And it’s frustrating as hell. If I told her how I felt she would probably laugh in my face for being such a girl. Plus, I’m no good at relationships; she may not want one, but she deserves one. Someone who will treat her right, not just fuck her a few times and move on. I’m lost in my thoughts and I don’t hear or see the door open. My body alerts me that she’s near and I smell her perfume before she reaches me.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t realise you were out here. I’ll go.” She moves away quickly but I’m reaching out to her arm before she gets any further away.

“Don’t.” I say, letting go of my hold on her wrist. She’s hesitant; she takes a quick glance at the door, then back at me, and makes up her mind with a subtle nod. She walks over to the railings and relaxes against them too. I just want to kiss away each of those little wrinkles on her forehead. Whoa, where did that come from? Fucking girl.

“Are you okay?” She asks after a few minutes of tension filled silence.

“I should be asking you that question. But you don’t seem that bothered. Does it happen often?” She laughs gently, and nods her head and instantly my body tightens. “Yeah, guys seem to think I’m some kind of dummy that’s just going to roll over for them. I’m not like that. I know I have a reputation as a flirt, which is well-deserved, but I don’t just sleep with anyone.”

I briefly wonder why she’s telling me this but she’s being open with me and it makes me want to do the same. “Yeah I know what you mean.” My voice is thoughtful; I know how it feels for people to assume the worst of you.

She lets out an indignant laugh, “Pull the other one. I see you out every weekend, I know exactly what you’re like.” My jaw stiffens at her judgemental tone because we’re more alike than she thinks. “You don’t know anything. Just because you see me out with a girl doesn’t mean I let it go further. I’m no monk, but I’m not as bad as people think. Or I haven’t been lately.” I’m telling the truth. A lot of it’s just for show. Because I know I would go after every guy I see her with if there wasn’t something, or someone, holding me back. Sure, I’ve slept with some of them but nowhere near as many as I used to before I met her. It’s like she’s got this hold on me and no-one else can come close to how she makes me feel when we’re around each other. I know I’ve been a dick to her though, it’s easier to deal with that way.

I watch her closely and she’s taking my words and mulling them over in head. “What are you thinking?” I ask her. She’s always so guarded, hard to read.

She pauses, then turns to the side so her body is up close. She looks directly into my eyes and I’m suckered in to hers. Her voice is soft and sweet and I just want to keep hearing it, “I want to call a truce. I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I’m sorry about that night. It was all a…” I raise my hand and slowly stroke her cheek with the back of my knuckles. She stops talking immediately and sucks in a short sharp breath. I can feel her pulse humming through the parts of our bodies that are touching.

I give in to the urges I’ve been having every night I’ve seen her for the past eight months. Every part of her just draws me in. I keep my hand cupping her cheek as I lean down to press my lips against hers gently. It’s a barely-there kiss as I wait to see if she pushes me away. She does exactly what I hoped she would and pulls me in closer. My hands reach round and tangle in her hair. I suck gently on her bottom lip, and when a little moan escapes her lips I push my tongue inside and let it search out hers. They find each other and touch in a caress as her hands run down my chest. All too soon I’m thinking I need to pull away to keep myself from throwing her over my shoulder and taking her back to my bed. I end with one last brush of my lips over hers and pull back to look at her. I don’t regret it but part of me still feels the need to apologise. I didn’t ask her if she wanted me to kiss her. I just did it. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t…” There’s a slight wince on her face as I say the words and she brings her finger up against my lips to stop me from talking. “It’s okay. I should get going.” She smiles at me sadly, and turns to leave. I know I should stop her; I think she’s misunderstood what I was trying to say, but I need time to sort my head out, and my feelings for her, so I say nothing and just watch her walk away.

Chapter Four

Laurel

As soon as I got another painful rejection from James last night, I went straight home. I couldn’t face another second of seeing some girl throw herself at him and him accepting her advances. He blows hot and cold with me all the time and I don’t know what to make of it.

My phone rings and Jen asks if she can bring a bottle round and have an evening in, which I gratefully accept. No work today means we can start a little earlier. I change into something a little more presentable than my pyjamas and throw some make-up on my face.

“Hey chick, how are you doing?” I ask animatedly as I open the front door. If I don’t pretend to be cheery I’ll end up crying my eyes out. I stop by the kitchen and grab some glasses, then lead through to the lounge so we can get comfortable.

“I’m good, thanks. Last night was a killer. My head hurts so much I actually thought I had died when I woke up, which is why we need to get started again. Where did you get to?”

I knew it was coming. My departure was so abrupt last night that everyone is probably talking about it. As much as I just want to forget it and pretend that it didn’t happen, Jen has always been there for me. As if she can sense my indecision at telling her the truth she carries on. “I’m not stupid. James shoved that girl off his lap and stormed outside then I saw you go out too. What went on? You can talk to me Laurel. And I won’t tell anyone else if you don’t want me to. I promise.”

I sigh deeply, because I know she won’t tell anyone. I’m not afraid of that. I’m afraid of admitting my feelings out loud because then they’ll be real. And the crushing reality of unrequited lust is not something I can deal with now. She recognises my hesitation again and grabs the bottle from me.

“Okay, no worries. We won’t talk about anything as heavy as
feelings
until you’re ready. Take a swig.” She pours the wine and hands me a glass, chuckling when I take a massive gulp and grimace at the sharp taste.

“Obviously I don’t recommend binge drinking but a couple of glasses may take the edge off for you.” I nod and try to relax myself back into the sofa.

“So what do you wanna do tonight?”

“I dunno Jen. This wine isn’t going down as well as I’d hoped. Maybe we should just forget it. I’m not much fun at the moment.”

“Hey, you don’t have to entertain me. I’m here because I want to spend time with my friend. Whatever mood you’re in.” She flings her arm around my shoulder and I place my hand over hers.

I can feel her watching me, scrutinising my face and trying to decipher every movement and thought going on in my head.

“Out with it, chick. Now.”

“James punched someone last night.”

I pause the glass mid-way to my mouth, then put it down in shock, and turn to look at her.

“After you left he came flying back in, angry as hell. I thought you two must have had an argument. He stormed out the front of the bar and Blake and I followed him. There were a couple of guys hanging around outside and he just lunged at one of them. Blake pulled him off, but not before he got a good swing in.”

My mouth’s still wide open in astonishment. He’s never done that before that I know of. And he didn’t even seem that drunk. He’s normally way more controlled than that.

“Blake was shouting, telling him to pull himself together and asking what was wrong with him, but he just ignored him and jumped in a taxi.” I’m still trying to process the information when she adds, “Alone. In case you were wondering.” I’ve been busted. She knows.

“Thanks for telling me Jen.” I still don’t know what he was playing at though. He’s too old to get into bar brawls. Why would he be that angry? And he wouldn’t just punch some random guy. Then my brain seems to latch onto a fleeting thought. He was fine until we went outside. Why did he go outside? It was just after that guy grabbed me.

“Wait, did you see the guy he punched?” My heart starts pounding. The guy had been wearing a cap and had a stupid moustache. That I remember when he forced me against him. I had no choice but to look at him up close.

“Yeah some idiot with a Borat style moustache. I think he had a blue jacket and an NYC cap on too. Why is that?”

My head feels so confused, I just don’t know what to make of it all. Does that mean he wants me? He kisses me, then regrets it. Five minutes later, he’s defending my honour. That man is full of contradictions.

“I have something to confess.” I bite my tongue, trying to stop the tears pooling.

“Oh hun, I know. You don’t have to say it.” I pick up my glass and down the rest of it to keep myself from crying.

“I like him so much Jen. But he’s so confusing.” I say quietly.

“Yeah I get that too. Why don’t you talk to Cassie about it? She’s close to him. She may be able to shed some light on whether he feels the same.” I shake my head, swipe at the tears and grab her hand. “You have to promise me you won’t tell her. I can’t let her know yet; it’ll make things awkward. She spends so much time with him. I don’t want her to feel torn.”

“Okay, I promise.” Jen nods solemnly, and I regret putting her in this position too. I hate secrets.

I go to the bathroom to pull myself together and adjust my make-up. When I come back out I tell her I don’t want to talk about it anymore, and we put on a Jimmy Carr DVD and laugh until my cheeks hurt. Tonight has been just the type of feel-good night I needed. And I have Jen to thank for that.

“I really think you should talk to him, Laurel. From what you’ve told me and what I’ve seen, he likes you as well. Just be honest. At least then you’ll know. Either way, you’ll know.” She grabs me in a tight hug and kisses my cheek as she leaves.

“I’ll see you soon.”

I say goodbye, shut the front door then lean my back against it. It’s only nine; I can’t go to bed yet. I go back to the fridge and crack open another bottle. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s drinking alone, but this situation calls for it. I pour a glass and curl up on the sofa, with only my thoughts for company. And James. He’s all I ever think about. I take a mouthful of wine, and sigh. He’s also all I ever drink about.

The next morning, I feel better than I thought I would, considering how many bottles I spy lined up on the windowsill ready for recycling. I definitely need to detox. I go to work feeling more confused than ever and all morning, whenever there’s a pause, I think about telling James how I feel. And what his reaction may be. I go back and forth for the millionth time then decide that Jen is right. If I don’t talk to him I’m not going to know. And either way, I’ll just have to deal with it but I’ll finally be able to move on and find someone else. My stomach twists at the finality of the moment. This is going to be it. I’m at a crossroads and I don’t get to make the decision.

It’s all down to him.

I’m letting a man decide my fate, never thought I’d see that day. I leave work on my lunch break and drive until I’m pulling up on the side of his road. I don’t even know if he’s here. But I do know I have to at least try. I stay in the car for a few minutes giving myself the chance to mentally prepare.

As I sit there torturing myself again, a swanky red Porsche pulls up behind his car in the driveway. I can’t get out and head over there now if he’s got company. I put my seatbelt back on ready to pull away and glance back over at the car. My heart beats too fast as long bare legs in six inch stilettos swing out the driver’s side door followed by the most glamorous woman I’ve ever seen. She’s dressed in a white satin blouse that’s tucked in to a black pencil skirt and has a figure any woman would be envious of. She’s wearing sunglasses and has her back to me so I can’t see her face but I don’t need to, I can guess. Her hair, dark curls down to her waist, is glossy and styled and I immediately feel dowdy. I changed into my vest top and jeans, but now, I completely regret it. She’s like a pin-up mixed with supermodel and business woman and my heart hurts. I’ll never have that much class, it’s just not me. And the fact that James obviously likes that twists the knife even more. Maybe she’s just a client I tell myself and the knife eases slightly. She glides over to the door and I wait holding my breath for his reaction. He smiles, so far so good, it looks business-like. Then she reaches up and kisses him on the lips, pushing him back inside the house. The door slams shut, and I slam my head back against the headrest. Definitely more than business. I let out a stream of curse words and try to shake my tears away. Starting the car and pulling away I don’t look back. I let the music blare and drive round in circles whilst I cry my eyes out, knowing these have to be the last tears I let myself cry over him. He’s taking up too much energy, too many thoughts and dreams and plans in my mind that haven’t come to anything. When he kissed me I thought that maybe he felt something too but it must have just been the heat of the moment. I need to move on, I know that now, I just don’t know how I’m going to do it.