Authors: Olivia Lynde
As it's happened with Jessica.
At the same Senior prom at which Seth had
been crowned king, she'd been the queen. No further than at the start of this
very week, she was still the Queen Bee of Rockford High. Then Seth basically
snapped his finger to make her gone—and she was instantly out in the cold. I've
noticed that the
entire
popular group is backing Seth's decision; whether
the individuals agreed because of personal conviction or peer pressure, it
doesn't really matter I guess. Either way, Jessica is out: not a part of the
popular group anymore, no longer allowed to sit at their table. They're not
even talking to her anymore.
Now that word about this state of
affairs has had time to spread in school, Jessica's fallen so far down the
social ladder that she's redefined the very lowest of rock-bottoms. Essentially,
she's at the mercy of Rockford High's general population—in other words, all the
kids she apparently tormented during her tenure as the Queen Bee—and last I
heard, they're not showing her a whole lot of mercy. Or any, really.
Seth made this happen, and he made it
happen with a scary kind of meteoric swiftness. That's the kind of clout he
has.
It's a bit daunting. It's a lot awing.
And it's a whole lot satisfactory in this particular instance.
I realize this is the most effective
punishment that could ever be handed to Jessica. Her social status, being one
of the popular, untouchable school leaders, was everything to her. Without that
she's finished here. Even her posse has abandoned her—they haven't been seen
with her in public since she was banished, and they're most certainly
not
sitting with her at lunch. No, they're still sitting with Seth's other friends at
the popular table. Obviously, her former followers won't side with Jessica at
the risk of losing their own cushy positions.
Yes, it's frankly intimidating that Seth
has the incredible social power and the sheer ruthlessness required to bring
about this outcome. I am, however, very certain that Jessica got exactly what
she deserved. And I am very happy that Seth was able to give it to her.
* * *
"Hey, Summer, wait up!"
I turn my head and see Elle hurrying to
reach me.
What the...? Elle?
I've gotten to know the popular crowd a
little bit better over these last few days, and most of them seem like okay
kids. Tracy and Susan I've even come to like. Tracy is thoughtful and has a
really good heart. And Susan says the most outrageous things; she's really the
funniest person. Elle, on the other hand... She's like a perpetual thorn stuck
in my side. She sharpens her claws on me whenever she gets the chance (not that
I'm taking any of her crap lying down). But worst of all, she keeps throwing
herself at Seth (not that he ever pays her the least attention). Still, she's
so freaking annoying! And now she's smiling at me?
Having reached me, she falls into step
with me and says, "Let's walk to the cafeteria together." Really, why
so friendly all of a sudden?
I give her a suspicious look.
"Okay."
"Seth's not giving you much
breathing space, is he?" She rolls her eyes. "He's with you like the
whole flipping time!"
This is the first occasion since that
one other time on Monday when I'm on my own outside of class. And honestly, I
already miss Seth.
"Actually Elle, I breathe just fine
when I'm with him, thank you."
Her smile dims and her eyes narrow.
"Then maybe it's poor Seth who needed a break."
From you
—the
words aren't spoken aloud but are understood nevertheless.
"He's not on a break, he's in
strength training with Coach Bohlen."
Her smile loses its rigidity.
"Right, now I remember. That's what Carter said too just earlier."
She puts her hand on my arm to stop me.
I freeze in my tracks and stare fixedly at the offending fingers until she sees
fit to remove them from around my skin. When I gaze up at her afterward, her
friendly expression seems to have cracked again around the edges.
"I need to make a quick stop in the
bathroom," she tells me apologetically.
So who's stopping her? "Fine. I'll
see you in—"
"Oh no, it'll really take just a
second! You can come with me and fix your makeup."
I'm not wearing any makeup that I need
to fix, just a dab of mascara and lip gloss.
I shrug. "Lead the way."
She turns left and I follow her toward
the girls' bathroom nearby. She stops in front of the door and gestures for me
to enter first. Of course.
I enter.
"Hello, Jessica," I greet the
girl waiting inside. "Fancy meeting you here."
Elle enters behind me. "Jessica,
you have exactly five minutes. I'll be outside." She exits.
I am now alone with Jessica.
Even with the thick makeup she has caked
on her face, I can make out the puffiness around her eyes and the sallow tone
of her skin. It's the first time I'm seeing her this week—she's kept a low
profile since Monday and hasn't even set foot inside the cafeteria yet—and it's
unmistakable that she's had a very bad few days.
She's staring at me in this really
creepy way, and I can almost taste the bitter hate that's coming out of her in
choking waves.
"You whore!" she snarls and
curls her fingers as if wanting to claw me. "You filthy, dirty
whore!"
Yeah, I'm the dirty whore, and she's
what—Snow White? Pure as the driven snow.
"You whore, see what you've done
now?" she spits out loathingly.
"I didn't do anything." That
you didn't deserve.
"You took Seth from me!"
"He wasn't yours to ta—"
"You took him and brainwashed him
and turned him against me! And now he's ruined my life!!"
I wince at the volume. "Oh, please!
Ruined your life? It's just high school, just a popularity game. Grow up!"
She actually takes two threatening steps
toward me.
I stand my ground and stop her in her tracks:
"If you're thinking of laying even one fingertip on me, think again. Or
this time I'll show you what 'ruin' really means." With all the rage I've
got bottled inside me and with nothing to hold me back this time, I'll show her
real battle.
Then Seth will show her too. She may
think she doesn't have to fear me, but she knows she has to fear him. And, I
realize, that is what actually stops her short of violence now.
Instead, she lets out this ear-splitting
shriek, like the snarl of a rabid animal. "It's not just high school, you fucking
dumb whore! It's Seth! It's everything! And it was the start of everything! And
you've ruined it all!!"
"You've ruined it for yourself,
Jess
.
You started this, you took from us! If you dish it, you should darn well be
prepared to take it too!"
"Why couldn't you stay fucking
gone? You dirty wh—"
"Yeah, yeah, I already heard that
part. Well, I didn't stay gone. And your grubby little plot failed. And Seth's
mine. Freaking get used to it!"
"If you think that Seth's
yours," she says, suddenly eerily calm, "then you're more fucking
stupid than I thought. He's with you
now
, but there's not a chance in
hell you'll keep him."
"He loves me."
She laughs. "You don't have what it
takes to hold a man like Seth."
"And what does it take to hold
Seth? Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot that you. Don't. Know. Since, obviously, he
screwed you and then dumped you."
Her smile slips a little. "Yes,
he's done a whole lot of screwing and dumping these past years. And a tiger never
changes his spots."
"And yet he's asked me to move in
with him," I tell her through numb lips.
"He's had five years to build up
your image in his head." She gives me a disparaging look. "There's no
way the reality of you can match the fantasy."
I don't quite manage to suppress my flinch.
"So sweet of you to worry about us! But you do know that Seth and I are actually
living together now, don't you?"
"So you'll bore him out of his skull
that much sooner."
"He's not bored. He's not itching
to leave. He's seen the real me, sees me every day—morning, day and night—and
he's very happy."
"He can afford to play happy house
with you for a few weeks—that's no skin off his back. You just spread his legs
nicely for him, make it worth his while, and yeah, he'll stick with you maybe.
Until he leaves for college, that is."
"Shut up now."
"Then it's bye, bye, Sunny!"
"Shut up, shut up, shut up! You
don't know anything about Seth or about us or..."
She smiles. "I know he's leaving
for college in just a few short weeks. And I know there's no way you're going
with him."
I turn on my heels and leave her noxious
presence. God, why didn't I just leave sooner? But no, I had to stay and hear
her poison... and now that poison is corroding my soul.
I knew from the start that my happiness
with Seth had a deadline. And I thought I could live with that. Just grab all
the happiness I could have with him, for as long as I could have it, with
nothing held back. With my eyes willfully closed to the impermanence of it all.
Just live like that—I thought I could do it.
Today, I discovered that I cannot.
The confrontation with Jessica really
shook me up because, among her many dirty, barbed lies, there were just enough
crumbs of truth to stir up and amplify my greatest fear: the fear that's never
far from the surface of my thoughts even with all my effort to keep it buried.
The fear that I'll lose Seth.
Jessica said that he's just playing
house with me, that he's not really making a commitment—I'm just a momentary
entertainment for him, just a last fling before he leaves for college, and the obvious
deadline on our affair should stop me from hoping that I can ever have anything
more from him.
Jessica's a lying bitch.
I doubted Seth once, when I left
Rockford before and never heard back from him. And then we both had to live
through five soul-rending years of feeling only half-alive, only half-whole. I
will never doubt Seth again. He loves me, and there's no deadline on his love.
There's just a deadline on our time
together.
A few times,
just in passing, he said that he would always be with me now. And dear God, how
I wish that were possible! But it's not whishes that shape reality—it's hard,
cold facts. And the fact is that he's leaving this summer, and I... I'm
not
.
My heart twitches in pain.
No matter how
much we wish it were otherwise, in just a few weeks we'll have to separate
again. He's eighteen and bound for college, and I'm only sixteen and a ward of
Michigan. Plus, I still have one more year of high school left—which I don't
even know if I'll be attending in Rockford. If the Andersons set me loose, the
foster care system could next send me anywhere in the state.
Oh God, I can't even imagine how I'll
survive a separation from Seth! As powerful as our connection was in the past,
over these past few days it's grown incredibly deeper. Seth and I aren't just
best friends anymore, we're also lovers. Even setting aside how happy he makes
me and that, by his side, I am able to rest at night—I've also come to crave
his physical touch like a drug. I literally cannot imagine being torn from him
now.
So I refused to imagine it, refused to
think about it. Yes, at first Seth and I were busy just clearing up our
unresolved past issues, so we couldn't talk about the concrete future yet. But afterward...
we should have talked about it. But he didn't bring it up, and I was just too
much of a coward to ask him.
So for days I've been living with this
awful, looming deadline on my happiness.
But not anymore.
Living with uncertainty is just too
painful, and it's just not worth it. Yes, living with the truth may turn out to
be just as painful, or more. But at least I'll know where I stand with Seth. And
maybe, just maybe, he'll tell me that our happiness doesn't have to end after
all.
"Sunny, you've been staring at me
for the last twenty minutes. Obviously that isn't helping whatever problem
you've got on your mind, so just talk to me already."
It's late evening, we're at home. I'm
sitting on the couch with my legs curled beneath me. He's sitting on the floor
beside the couch, surrounded by screwdrivers and wire snippers and other
assorted tools and electronic parts that I would be hard-pressed to identify by
name. He's working on some mechanical project—not for school, he said when I
asked, just something he wanted to try for himself. By which comment, added to
his complete absorption as he immersed himself in his task, I gathered that his
interest for all things mechanical—which he discovered when he was about
eleven, I think—is still going strong. So not just cars then.