Authors: Delia Delaney
“Well the only way you could hurt my feelings is to tell me it was just…bloody awful, and it was the worst kiss that you’ve ever experienced.”
I had to chuckle. “No, I’ve had worse.”
“So that’s not it?” he wondered.
“No, that’s not it.”
“Then I guess the only other problem is
that
you can’t be honest with me.”
I studied him closely, realizing that with any other guy this would have been very awkward. But it was Harlan, and Harlan was really good to me. Harlan was considerate and concerned, and he was a good guy that wasn’t going to go tell all his buddies anything he shouldn’t.
“Ellie, I care about every aspect of your life. I only want you to be happy, so if that wasn’t the right thing for me to do, then I would really like to know
so I d
on’t do it again. You get to call the shots here,
all right
?”
He waited for me to respond, so I nodded my head.
I slipped my shoes off because I was
tired of standing in them
and
decided I wanted to sit on the couch. He followed willingly, and sat down next to me.
“Harlan, you know that I like you, right? I mean you can tell?”
“Yes, I feel that you do.”
“Well k
issing me
was
a
good
thing
because I really like you. And
I really liked
it
and…we’ve known each other for about six months now, so
I feel like we’re comfortable with each other.”
He slightly nodded his agreement.
“But what I meant about…needing it… I feel good because it was
nice to feel that
. I liked it.
Uh, the affection, I mean.
”
“Everyone desires affection. I’m glad you allowed me to give it. But are you saying that you just needed it in general, but not exactly from me?”
“Oh. No, that’s not what I meant.”
“It’s not? Well were you thinking about Tyse?”
“While I was kissing you? No.”
“Not at all?”
“No, not while we were kissing. I was enjoying the fact that I was kissing
you
. But when you asked me in what way it was good… I guess that’s what made me think about being needy.”
“You feel needy? Because you miss Tyse,” he concluded.
“I don’t know.”
“Well if that’s who you thought of after kissing me, then it’s a reasonable answer, Ellie.”
“Oh man, I don’t even know what I’m saying,” I groaned.
“
Don’
t beat yourself up over it,
”
he smiled. “I understand.”
“You do?”
“Well, I believe I do. It’s your way of telling me that just because I kissed you, and you liked it, it doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten about Tyse.”
Wow. Why couldn’t I just say that?
“Ellie, it’s honestly easier for me if you just say what you feel.”
“Okay.”
“We could have avoided all that confusion if you had just
spoken your mind.”
“
Okay
.”
“So say it.”
“Say what?”
“Tell me how you feel.”
I sighed.
“Ellie…”
“Fine. Harlan, just because you kissed me—and you’re a very good kisser, by the way, and I liked it…a
lot
—it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about Tyse.”
“Ah, there we go!” he smiled. “Good girl. Now if you keep practicing that, you just might get better at it.”
“I’ve spoken my mind plenty of times with you.”
“True, but only when you don’t feel vulnerable in any way. No one likes to put
his or her
heart out there for everyone to see. But you, my dear
Ellie… You are afraid. You are afraid of making mistakes.”
“
Everyone is.
Aren’t you? I mean you’re a doctor, Harlan. Surely
you’re afraid of making mistakes
, right?”
“Oh yes, definitely. But I do the only thing I know I can do. I have to trust in my own abilities—the things I’ve studied, the things I know and can do—and I rely on those things to
make the right decisions. Such is life, and when it comes to situations that affect us personally—emotions, relationships, decisions—we need to rely on what we know in here—” he tapped his head, “—
and
in here,” he patted his chest.
“You’re a very confident person. I guess that comes from being a doctor? Or does being confident come first?”
“I would say both
help each other out
. But you have to have confidence first; otherwise you wouldn’t try doing anything at all, or believe that you could. Then you just sort of…build from there.
The same goes with relationships
, but it’s trickie
r. It’s not exactly ‘text book,’
” he smiled
.
“You have to learn as you go, and sometimes what you’ve learned from one experience can help you out with another, but other times it can be like starting all over again.
”
Hmm, where had I heard that before?
“And your answer to that is…?”
He shrugged and sat back against the couch. “I don’t have the answer. I guess for myself it’s a combination of heart and logic. You have to follow your heart, but you
r
mind needs to provide some reasonable guidance.”
“Reasonable,” I chuckled.
“Exactly,” he smiled. “That can kind of vary, eh?”
“Yes, it
can
.” I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I’m getting tired from all of this profound thinking.”
“Yes, I ruined everything by asking if it was too soon. If I weren’t such a bloody
idiot
, I would have just kissed you goodnight and then left.”
I laughed. “Yeah, maybe. But I’m glad you didn’t.”
He took a few seconds to study me carefully, and then he leaned forward to look into my eye
s. “I do think that you reflect, ponder,
internalize—all of those things—quite a lot. Don’t you? Do you ever just…let things happen as they do?”
“Uh…”
“Hmmm.” He was quiet for several seconds, but I
waited because I
knew he was about to say more.
At last
he said, “If I told you that I wanted to kiss you again, would you let me?”
That caught me off-guard, but I
knew what the answer was. A
ll I could say was, “Uh…”
He ever so slightly nodded. “Hmm. Then the answer to the question—was it too soon? —
Is
yes.”
I sighed. “I’m sorry, Harlan, but…”
“Okay, first of all you don’t have anything to apologize for. It was just too soon and you weren’t ready for it, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“But can I clarify something?”
After a brief pause he replied, “Of course. Please.”
I took a quick breath and said, “There’s a difference between not
allowing
you to kiss me and not
wanting
you to kiss me.”
He slightly raised an eyebrow. “And which is it for you?”
I couldn’t help but smile, but then I took a few seconds to gather my thoughts. “Well, if I were to keep kissing you… Well, I think it has to do with my intentions. If I were to allow you to kiss me it would mean that I want to continue on with that in our relationship. But I can’t do that because… Well, because I don’t feel right having that kind of… Why can’t I just say things plainly?”
Harlan smiled, but he took my hand and said very seriously, “You feel you’re betraying Tyse by kissing another man.”
Phew. Couldn’t I just have Harlan declare all of my feelings for me?
“Yes. Simply put, I don’t feel right about that at this time. Not until…not until I have some kind of resolution about all of that. Not until I know
where I at least stand with him. But I did tell you that at the beginning…
”
“Ellie, you don’t have to defend your position. You very clearly stated that to me and I agreed to it. I respect how you feel. Honestly, I do. So let’s drop the subject and you can tell me about your holiday plans before I fly across the world.”
He always had a way of making me feel comfortable with anything, and for that I was truly grateful. We did talk about our plans for the next week. I just had the traditio
nal family gatherings to attend
and the three days on the mountain that I was looking forward to. Harlan would be leaving for England in just a few hours—he and his brother would start their trip during the night so they could sleep through some of it. I thought Christmas in another
country was kind of intriguing.
I ended up asking him a lot of questions about it before he finally made himself leave just before midnight. He gave me the customary kiss on the cheek, said how much he was going to miss me, and headed home to pick up Felix.
Tyse never did call me that night.
Chapter Thirty
“Ellie, it’s Miranda,
”
she said over the phone.
“Oh hey, H
appy
Holidays
.”
“Oh, yeah, you too,” she lightly laughed.
I was just headed home from spending the afternoon at Harlan’s. We’d made lunch together, watched a couple of movies, and just had a really nice, relaxing day
. He still had major jetlag from his
return
from Europe the day before, so while he was catching up on sleep,
I had plans to do some housecleaning.
“Anyways,” Miranda continued. “I have some
gossip
to spread.”
“Oh yeah? From work?”
“Yep, and you’re never gonna guess what happened.”
“Okay, so just tell me.”
“Okay, but you’re probably gonna be blown away. Probably a little
ticked
, too.”
“Uh… Okay.” Now I was worried because I thought of a dozen possibilities right off the bat.
“But you’re also going to be happy,” she added.
“Okay, okay, so just tell me!”
“Okay, s
o here’s the expedited versi
on… First of all,
Amy
quit
. I mean just up and left. She came in during her vacation break, gathered her things and left.”
“What?”
“I know. But all I know is that it had something to do with
family stuff
. But anyway, here’s the good stuff. So you know how we all have different vacation days and such, and I was in
the office the last two days. B
ut
earlier I was
at my desk doing some work and I hear Kathy say, ‘What are you doing at Ellie’s desk?’ So I slid my chair back to get a look at your cubicle, and there’s Belinda Martin, just standing there with Kathy in her face.”
“What? At my cubicle?”
“Mmhmm. So by then a couple of other people have made an audience, and we all watch Kathy rip a file out of Belinda’s hands. One of
your
research files.”
“From my desk?” I asked with disbelief. “She was in my stuff?”
“Yep. So Kathy says, ‘What are you doing with Ellie’s work?’ and Belinda barely replies, ‘
What
? Oh, uh, I’m just returning something she let me borrow.’ And Kathy says, ‘You liar, I just saw you take it out of her desk!’ And Belinda is just standing there, turning red as a tomato. Then
Doug
joins the scene—a
pparently back early from his trip
because he was there today—a
nd he asks Belinda what the hell she’s doing. Anyways, long story short, the little
wench
has been going through your work and using it
to put together this huge, like,
database or something of information. All of your reviews, all of your contacts and little ins and outs of the city…”
“
What
!?
”
“I know! She
punked
you, honey! That’s why she got the fill-in job! Apparently she’s been showing Doug all this cool stuff—stuff that
you’ve
put together but haven’t used for the station yet—and he was, like, super impressed by all of the extra work she’s been doing.”
“No way!”
“Yep. So he was pissed. Fired her right there on the spot.”
“Good.”