Summer Swing (60 page)

“Well…”

He seemed to pause for dramatic effect, and my heart instantly dropped into my stomach. He was getting married or something, right? He called to tell me he was engaged and was getting married. I couldn’t even believe it. I mean I was the one that—

“I got picked up by a team, Ellie.”

The words didn’t even make sense to me. What was the girl’s name? When was he getting married?

“Ellie, a
re you still there?” he chuckled.

“Yes, yes I’m here.
Wh
- what did you say?”

“A team.
The
Dodgers
, Ells.
I got picked up by the
Dodgers
.”

Oh. Baseball? He got… What? “
What
?!
” I exclaimed. It finally registered.

“Yeah,” he laughed again. “I made
it onto one of their minor teams here in California. Rancho Cucamonga Quakes. They’re just east of Los Angeles. It’s
a
single A team. I gotta start somewhere.
”

“Well, yeah… B
ut you’ll make your
way up, Tyse. I know you will.”

He kind of chuckled. “I won’t get into percentages and such, but sure
, I’ll try to keep your positive attitude. I’m never gonna shake my past, but for now I’ve got a team to play with.”

“And that’s where you start. Just keep playing if that’s what you enjoy, Tyse.”

“Yeah, I think I’ve heard that from you before,” he teased. “Anyways, I’ll let you go. I just wanted you to be the first to know.”

“No, I don’t want you to go,” I found myself saying. “Uh…can’t you just talk for a few minutes?”

He paused for a moment. “Sure, I can talk for a bit. Uh, are you okay Ellie? What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I just want to talk to you for once. You never have time for me.”

Again he paused. “Well, I can always make time for you. I just…I don’t know. I can’t really expect to take you away from what you’ve got right now, Ellie.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. I don’t want to interfere in your—”

“You’re not interfering, Tyse. It’s actually the opposite. I feel like you’ve completely abandoned me.”

There, I said it. The truth was out, and I was almost about to cry just from saying it. 

“Abandon you?” he asked quietly. “Ellie, what’s going on? I know something’s not right so just tell me.”

“You’d already know if you took the time to keep in touch.”

He sighed. “You’re upset with me for not calling more often?”

“Or even
returning
my calls.”

There was silence for a few seconds. “Tell me why we’re back on this subject again? I thought I told you why it’s better to keep my distance. I don’t want you to have problems with your family.
Or with Harlan.
I’m sure he’d rather us not talk at all.”

“What about what I want? Does that even matter?”

“Of course it matters. What is it that you want, then?”

“I want you to keep in touch. I want to talk to you more often.”

There was silence again. “I’m not sure if I can promise that, Ellie.”

“Why not?” I asked, like a child that wasn’t getting her way.

“I’ll be
playing baseball all summer, I’ll be traveling… I just can’t guarantee I’ll be able to keep you happy anyway, Ellie.”

It was my turn to pause. “What does that mean?”

“It means…
that I can’t be worrying about calling you back all the time, or returning a text promptly enough. I’m just trying to get my feet under me. I don’t even know if I’ll
ever
have my feet under me, but I need to try. If I fail, then I guess I’ll be going back to Nate’s shop, going back to school…the same life I’ve been living. I mean I’m content with that, but I think if I can try something different for a change then I’
d like to do it, you know?
”

“Well…yeah, Tyse. I want you to also.
But
I didn’t really think talking on the phone for a few minutes was really that hard. I’m sorry if I’m slowing your life down.”

“You’re not,” he sighed. “There’s just…so much to this that I just… I don’t think I can get into it right now, Ellie. I just called to tell you some good news—at least it was for me—and I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you. I gotta go—”

“No,” I interrupted. “No, you’re not going to go. Tyse? Do you hear me?”

At first I thought he’d already hung up, but then he said, “Uh, yeah, I hear you…”

“I just…I can’t do this anymore.”

“Ellie, are you crying? What the hell is going on? Are you safe? Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” I sniffled.

“You’re crying but you’re fine?
”

“Well I mean I’m safe, I guess.”

“
Where are you right now?”

“Uh…I’m in Harlan’s backyard. On the patio.”

He paused for a few seconds. “If you’re at Harlan’s, did my call…
? Well, did I totally cause a problem between you? Crap, Ellie, this is exactly why I didn’t want to—”

“There was already a problem, Tyse. We were already fighting. I mean we don’t fight or anything, but there was a question asked, and I didn’t answer it how he wanted, and…”

“What question? What did he ask you?”

I couldn’t think of a time that my heart was pounding so heavily in my chest. I thought the times before were bad, but this was worse. It was ten times worse because I knew I was actually going to do this…

“He asked me if I still have feelings for you,” I finally said. He didn’t say anything right away, so I pressed on with it. “We’ve, uh… Well, it’s kind of been an issue between us, and Harlan understood when we first started dating, but now I’m pretty sure
he’s done being patient with me.
”

There was a long bout of silence. At least it was to me because I was the one that had just blown this puppy wide open, and I was the one waiting for the
aftermath
.

I couldn’t stand the silence any longer. “Tyse? Did you hear what I said?”

“Uh yeah, but before I jump to conclusions… Could you, uh…?”

“I can’t have a complete relationship with anyone because you’re always on my mind, in my heart. How I feel about you keeps standing in the way. It’s my roadblock. And I thought
if
I could
jus
t find a way to get through it… B
ut I haven’t been able to. I don’t know what I need to do—I wish I could spend some time with you, or know how you feel about me, because my decision-making could really use a little help right now.”

Again he was quiet, but I decided I should just shut my mouth and let him respond however he needed to. I had no idea if I’d just made the stupidest mistake of my life, but all I knew was that I’d probably put it off for way too long. I’d been in limbo for over six months, and since nothing seemed resolved, I was sure that doing something—even if it was stupid—was better than nothing.

“Ellie, uh… Well, I guess I don’t know what to say.”

Or not. Maybe stupid was stupid and there was no getting around it.

“You don’t know what to say,” I
murmured. “Nice.
”

“Ellie, I mean…
I, uh, I just…I can’t give you that. I mean…I just don’t- I’m not…” He sighed. “I don’t understand. What about Harlan? I mean you guys are pretty serious, right? Did you break up or something? Is that what this is about?”

“No. I told you what happened. He’s always known how I feel about you Tyse,
from the very beginning,
and he wanted to know if I still felt the same way. Don’t you get it? The answer is yes. I still can’t stop thinking about you; I still can’t move forward without you—”

“Well you’re gonna hav
e to, Ellie.
You have to. What you have with Harlan is real. You guys have a future together.
A
good
one.
Don’t screw that up, okay? This was…
this was a mistake
. I s
houldn’t have called. I’m sorry
but—”

“Tyse, don’t you hang up on me—
”

“I can’t do this anymore, Ellie. I’m sorry. I…I just…I can’t.”

He hung up.

I was numb at first, and then
I cried.
Silently, of course.
I remained on Harlan’s back patio and cried silently. Those damn lemons. I want
ed
to squeeze the
life
out of them, stomp them into the ground, and light them on
fire. That’s what I’d do with the
m.

So I pretty much single-handedly ended everything I had with Tyse. I didn’t think he would ever call me again. He’d probably change his phone number and get a restraining order against me. Instead of my name on the
paperwork, it would say:
CHICK THAT DOESN’T HAVE A CLUE
.

I didn’t really know what to do for a while except sit there.
I couldn’t believe that I had refrained from such stupidity for so long, and then I screw it up in just one desperate minute. What was I thinking? I had one of the best relationships I’d ever had right then and there with Harlan, and I wasn’t happy enough with it? Why? What did I think could be better?

After I stopped crying to myself, I began to dissect the entire issue in just a few minutes. I decided that maybe there was a reason for my stupidity. Tyse had, from day one, only thought of me as a friend. Yes, I understood there were one-sided crushes all over the world, but really…did I honestly not see it? What did I expect would happen when I told him how I felt? Did I expect him to c
onfess his secret love for me
?
And if he had, what then?
What about Harlan?

Oh gosh, Harlan…
I did love Harlan. Now I had just put my heart out there for another guy and he handed it right back, all the while Harlan waited stoically in the background for me to finally make a decision. How did my life become so complicated
? Why did I have to go and mess it up? I couldn’t take it back, either. I could ne
ver change what I’d done.

I knew I had to go inside eventually. Harlan was watching television in the front room, and I tried to get a glimpse of his mood before he saw me. But he watched me enter the room, no doubt studying my expression very carefully. I didn’t feel any unkind vibes from him—he actually motioned for me to sit with him—
so I sat on the couch and laid my head against his shoulder. I wasn’t sure if he expected the whole scoop—probably not, knowing Harlan—but
I figured that I shouldn’t keep anything from him, not even a tiny detail. He deserved at least that much. Right? Or maybe it would be better to just keep it simple.

Yeah, that was probably the best choice.

“So I told him how I felt,” I finally said. I was glad that I couldn’t see his face and I was able to stare at the television instead.

“And what did he say?”

“Well, when he finally
could
respond, he basically told me to forget about it, and then he hung up on me.
”

“
What
?” Clearly Harlan was shocked, and he moved so I was no longer lying against him. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Ellie.”

I studied him for a few seconds. He looked a bit
mystified
. Whatever it was he felt about the situation, he obviously thought Tyse
returned my feelings for him
.

“I’m…I’m a little confused,” he finally said. “You told him that you’re in love with him and he—”

“No, I didn’t
say that
. I just…I told him that I’ve always had feelings for him, and that it’s been hard for me to move on because of it. He told me that I had to
and…what I had with you was my future and that I shouldn’t screw it up.”

I could tell he was processing the information and he slightly nodded. “Okay, so…what does this mean, Ellie? What does this mean to you, for us?”

“It means that I’m humiliated, and that I should have just left
things alone like I always have,
”
I growled.

“Okay, so you’re angry with me because I pushed you into it, right?”

I was going to object, but it kind of was how I felt. But I didn’t know how much of that anger had to do with Harlan, and how much of it had to do with being rejected. He was softly holding my hand, and I still felt every bi
t of compassion from him, but it
confused
me
. How could he still do that? Why wasn’t he completely furious with me?

“Perhaps it needed to happen,” he continued. “I know it’s not what you want to hear—well actually I’m not sure what you want to hear because I really don’t know what you want at this point—but you should probably take some time to process how you feel.”