Charlie squeezed her fingers.
“Jesus, Kate.
Look, maybe he realizes he’s made a mistake.
Have you phoned him, tried to talk to him?
He might have had last minute nerves.”
She gave him a little smile.
“He never intended to marry me, Charlie.
Everything was a lie.
I found out last night he asked me to marry him to win a bet.
I should have been more careful.”
“What?
That’s a bloody horrible thing to do.” He grabbed hold of Kate’s other hand too.
“You’ll find someone else to love, someone who deserves you.
Just because some fuckwit treated you like shit, doesn’t mean you have to kill yourself.”
Kate laughed and Charlie stared at her in shock.
“It wasn’t so much that Richard let me down, more that I’d let myself down.
It served me right.”
She saw the confusion in Charlie’s face, not sure if she could make him understand.
“Richard was handsome, charming and fun.
He brought me flowers, drooled over my cooking.
We never argued.
He never sulked or got angry.
He didn’t drink too much or care about football.
Apart from the football, Dan thought Richard was great.
Lucy and Rachel liked him.
The more they told me how lucky I was, the more I began to believe it.
“He
was
a nice guy.
He never made me feel stupid, he didn’t overwhelm me by wanting to see me all the time.
He respected the fact that I’m busy on Sunday and Wednesday nights doing a computer course.”
That was a lie but he never asked about the course, never asked about her past.
With Richard it was all now, today, the present.
“He liked my friends.
He liked my apartment.
He liked me.
I didn’t find much he didn’t like.
He particularly liked taking me to bed.”
He’d bought matching silver rings because the gold one from The Wedding Party sent her finger green and even though Kate didn’t like rings, she wore it to please him.
He told her she was the best thing that had ever happened to him.
Richard didn’t try to understand her or uncover her secrets and she’d been grateful when she should have been curious.
“I thought I loved him, but I see now that I don’t understand what love is.
I liked him a lot.
I liked the fact that he’d chosen me.
I wanted to marry him because he made me feel safe.
He said he’d protect me and wouldn’t let anyone hurt me.
Funny because I wasn’t safe with Richard at all.
“After the woman told me he wasn’t coming, my heart emptied.
It was like a water pipe had burst and there was nothing I could do to stop everything draining out.
I’d wanted my life to change and thought Richard could make that happen.
That’s all I’ve ever wanted, a new life, but I don’t deserve it.
I should have seen through him and I didn’t.
That’s why I was in the sea, Charlie, I’d made a mistake and let myself be hurt.
If I’m dead, I can’t be hurt anymore.”
She wondered what he’d say, if he understood.
“You’ve tried to kill yourself before,” Charlie whispered.
Kate exhaled slowly.
“Once.
When I was a teenager.
A cry for help.
I think the fact that no one cared shocked me out of that particular depression.” She gave a wry grin.
“You know, we didn’t really try today.
Look how easily we decided against it.
I changed my mind when you started to piss me off and you left your clothes in the dunes in case you still needed them.”
“I didn’t…yeah, I did,” Charlie said.
“So what dragged you into the water?” Kate asked.
Now he tried to pull his fingers away and she wouldn’t let him.
“You have to promise not to tell anyone.”
“I was kind of hoping you weren’t going to tell anyone about my wedding that wasn’t, either.”
“I don’t trust anyone.”
“You mean you don’t trust me.”
“I don’t trust
anyone
.”
“I’ve trusted you.
You can trust me.
I can keep secrets.
Believe me, I’m an expert in keeping secrets.
So tell me, Charlie.
I won’t be shocked.
I won’t judge you and I won’t tell anyone.” She looked into his eyes.
“I promise.”
Chapter Six
Charlie sighed.
“You’re not going to like me anymore.”
“Who says I like you now?”
He glanced at her.
“I’ve done something very bad.”
Kate’s heart jumped.
He exhaled a shaky breath.
“I’ve had just about as much as I can take of myself.”
Her mind ran off down a disaster-strewn path.
“What have you done?”
“Not just one thing.
Lots of things.
Some worse than others.
Christ, I wish I was drunk.
It would make this easier.” His shoulders slumped.
“Then it’s better that you’re not.”
Charlie laughed, but there was no warmth in it.
“Or high,” he added.
He gripped her so hard, Kate winced and tried to wiggle her fingers.
“Don’t let go of my fucking hand,” he snapped.
“I told you I wouldn’t let you go.” She moved her other hand to his as well, tightening the connection between them.
“I’ve fucked up everything.
Not just my life, others as well.” He gulped a mouthful of air.
“I fucked a fourteen-year-old schoolgirl at a party and gave her cocaine, and I couldn’t even remember her name and she’s in a coma.
I could get sent to prison.
I should be in prison.” He kept his eyes down.
Kate had told him he couldn’t shock her, but he had.
His voice trailed off to a whispered monotone.
“I didn’t realize how young she was.
She said she was sixteen.
I took her word for it.
I was pissed off because I thought she’d taken my boxers.
I lied to the police about what I’d done.
I thought I’d get arrested.”
Kate didn’t say anything.
“What are you thinking?” he asked in a hoarse voice.
“Tell me.
Go on.
I know what a shit I am.”
“Then there’s no need for me to tell you.”
He groaned.
“Did you make her do anything she didn’t want to do?” Kate asked.
He shook his head.
“She was downstairs dancing after I left.
Brian gave her more coke.
The police arrested him.”
Kate knew she could have pointed out Charlie wasn’t responsible for what happened once he’d left the party, that he didn’t know exactly what this guy Brian had done or given her, but none of that excused his behavior.
“Aren’t you going to tell me it wasn’t my fault?” He raised his dark eyes to hers.
“Is that what your friends told you, what you keep telling yourself?”
“I don’t know.” Charlie rocked his head against the wall.
“I won’t tell you that,” Kate said.
“You have to take responsibility for what happens in your life, just like me.”
Charlie’s head spun round.
“But what Richard did to you wasn’t your fault.
Christ, it was no reason to commit suicide, because you got tricked and dumped by some tosser.
Find another guy.
There are plenty of us out there.
We’re not all bastards.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Yeah, it is.”
Kate’s heart felt squeezed inside her chest, hands trying to force it into a space much too small.
“It’s easy for you.
You’re famous, rich and sexy.
One smile from you and women line up to sleep with you.”
“That’s not a good thing.”
There was silence for a moment before Kate spoke again.
“Who else’s life have you messed up?”
“I’m adopted,” he blurted.
“Then you’re a lucky guy.”
His soft eyes turned rock-hard in an instant.
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“Well, I
wasn’t
adopted.”
Charlie looked at her in bewilderment.
“How does that make me lucky?”
Kate knew this was going to make him feel bad, but he needed to stop feeling sorry for himself.
“I lost my parents when I was seven.
Until I was sixteen, I lived in children’s homes and occasionally with foster parents.
No one wanted to adopt me.
So you were lucky, Charlie.
At least someone wanted you.”
He sagged back against the wall.
“Christ, the one person I choose to confess to and she’s got more problems than me.” He turned to look at her.
“Why didn’t anyone want you?
You had to be a cute kid.”
Kate snorted.
“Cute?
No, I wasn’t.
At first, I pretended I didn’t need anyone to want me, while I waited for someone to look past all the crap and see the real me.
Plus, I wanted to do the picking so I was as bad as I could be.
I didn’t want friends.
My report card said
Kate holds hands with trouble.
Trouble made the best friend ever.”
“What did you do?”
“In my first foster home, I dumped every item of food from the kitchen into the garbage.
In the next, I flushed a kid’s goldfish.
I threw all my clothes in the canal and went around naked.
I shaved the dog’s tail.
I scratched my name all over a social worker’s new car.
I took the hamster out when I wasn’t supposed to and the cat caught it.” Kate winced.
“I tried to get it back.
I ended up with half a hamster and had to kill it.
It was awful.” She shuddered.
“After that, no one wanted to foster me, so there was no chance of adoption.
It was no more than I deserved.”
“Jesus, you were an inventive little shit.”
She had her moments, Kate thought.
“And you’re right,” Charlie said with a sigh.
“I was lucky.
I was only ten months old when Jill and Paul Storm adopted me.
They couldn’t have children of their own.
Except when I was two, Mum came home from hospital with a baby brother—Michael.
I pleaded with them to take him back and swap him for a bike.
They bought me one as a present from Michael, so I agreed he could stay for one week.
Michael adored me right until the day he died and I treated him like shit.”
A tear ran down Charlie’s cheek.
He dragged one hand free, raised it to his mouth and started to bite his nails.
Kate pulled his hand away and pressed his fingers into her thigh.
“How did he die?” Kate asked.
“Car crash.
Nine months ago.
We were out together.
We’d been drinking.
Done some lines of coke.
He wanted me to fix him up with this girl who’d hung around all evening, trying to get off with me.” He glanced at Kate.
“Fuck it, they never wanted Michael.
They only ever wanted me.
I used to call him Ugly Mutt.
It was a joke.” His voice cracked.
“He wasn’t an ugly mutt, but maybe I’d made him think he was, because he had his teeth fixed and his eyes and he wanted me to pay for him to have a nose job.
He thought if he could make himself look better, his life would be better.
He looked perfect to me, only I never told him that.
I should have.
“We had a fight over the girl.
She’d switched to chatting him up, but still wanted me.
I knew she was using Michael but he wouldn’t listen.
We were drunk.
I meant to call us a cab but he’d annoyed the hell out of me and I told them both to fuck off.
He nicked my car keys, crashed and was trapped.
The car caught fire.”
Kate stopped breathing.
Charlie’s voice dropped to a mumble.
“Mum and Dad wanted to see him after but they couldn’t.
He had to be identified from dental records.”
Charlie exhaled in a rush and jumped to his feet, wiping his palms on his t-shirt.
“So what’s with the bed?” he demanded.
“It’s like you’re schizoid or something.”
Kate didn’t think she’d heard the entire story, but accepted the change in direction.
She’d not told Charlie everything either.
She watched him pacing round the room like a wiry wolf and then he dropped back at her side.
“Talk to me,” he begged, his eyes wild with pain.
“Please.”
“About my bed?
It’s the only new piece of furniture I’ve ever bought.
In all those years spent in care, and afterwards when I lived in squats, I slept on some horrible beds.
Blow-up mattresses that deflated through the night, flea-ridden futons a dog wouldn’t touch, sofa beds with no padding, beds that reeked of piss and vomit, beds with sheets so stiff they scratched, beds no more than blankets on the floor, beds that
were
the floor with no blankets.
All that time, the one thing I always wanted was my own bed, a new bed.
I promised myself that one day, I’d have the most beautiful bed in the world.
That’s what I’ve got.”
“Let’s go fuck in it,” he said.
Kate recoiled.
“No.” How could he change so suddenly?
From a bird with a broken wing to the boy doing the breaking.
But for all his good looks and brash confidence, Kate saw loneliness in his eyes.
He was good at hiding it, just like her, but she recognized pain when she saw it.
“We could fuck in here,” Charlie said and rubbed her hand with his thumb.
“No.” But Kate wondered what she’d do if he pulled her into his arms.
She shivered because she already knew.
A burning desire to press her naked body against his equally naked body rioted through her.
“I’m not used to women saying no.” Charlie laughed and Kate wondered if he thought she didn’t mean it.
“Is Dickhead better-looking than me?”
She made herself look sad.
“Much.”
Charlie’s brow furrowed.
“Would you take him back?”
“Never.”
“What if Dickhead knocked on the door, got down on his knees and pleaded with you?
Said he’d made a terrible mistake and he wanted you for ever and ever, amen?”
“No.”
“I don’t get this, Kate.
What this guy has done is horrible.
I hope I’ve never been that calculatingly cruel, but if you don’t want Dickhead back, then why can’t you move on?
All the right is on your side.
He’s been a shit and everyone will feel sorry for you, unless…unless there’s something else.
You don’t have a deadly disease as well?
Nothing contagious anyway?”
He squeezed her hand to show her he was joking.
Kate chose each word with care.
“I’m broken, Charlie.
When something terrible happens, it makes you question everything else.
It shakes the foundations of your life.
Richard gave me hope I could have a different future and then snatched it away again.
I’ve spent so many years being rejected that I’d built a strong wall to ensure I never found myself in that position again.
But I let Richard through so I know now that I can’t be safe.
I can’t trust myself.”