Stranger and Stranger (22 page)

I could not face another day of sleeping in the sewer, so I snuck into the house and woke Mom up. Begged her to let me hide out in her room for the day and not to tell my doppelgänger. She said OK, but there was a lot of eye-rolling. She clearly does not see the danger I am in!

June 25

Yobbing hamdacks, what a mess!!!!!

Was woken up at noon by a very upset Mom. Came out to find police, Venus Fang Fang, Bebe, Raven, and EvilOne sitting in the living room.

Everyone was yelling at once, but eventually I got the following sorted out:

1. Some concerned townsperson videotaped Raven videotaping me knifing tires last night.
   
2. But of course, everyone thinks it was EvilOne because I wasn’t wearing a cast.
   
3. Venus Fang Fang also videotaped EvilOne doing some extravagant vandalism of her fence last night.
   
4. But of course, everyone thinks it was me because EvilOne WAS wearing a cast.
   
5. EvilOne and I are both taking the Fifth.
   
6. I was somehow introduced to everyone as “Jemily,” while EvilOne got to go by “Emily.” Grrrr!
   
7. I feel, and hope EvilOne feels, that I got her better than she got me.
   
8. But I am not happy that she must now know my leg is healed.
   
9. There has been no mention of the ill-fated ribbon-cutting ceremony or any link to either of us.
   
10. Bebe has been sternly reprimanded for not keeping Raven under better control.
    
11. If Raven is caught in mischief again, she is looking at some time spent in institutional learning facilities.
    
12. EvilOne is probably not going to be incarcerated, which is bad, but she’s looking at some heavy community service: namely, personally replacing hundreds of knifed tires. Which is good. It should keep her occupied for a while.
    
13. And I have been sentenced to repaint Venus Fang Fang’s fence, starting in half an hour SHARP.
    

Sounds mild, but A) it’s a very long fence, and B) I have done my tour of duty with white paint for the year, thank you very much, and C) the worst part is, it looks like Venus Fang Fang is planning to supervise me the whole time. Oh no, pardon me, that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that D) Venus Fang Fang is a TALKER. Is there anything more poisonous than a talker? No. No, there isn’t. Unless it’s that E) the talker is supervising someone who is not a talker. Namely me.

Hours later

I no longer feel that EvilOne is getting the worse punishment. Here is a brief rundown of things I did in eight hours at Venus Fang Fang’s house today:

1. Unwillingly heard well-meant piece of useless advice on life from Venus Fang Fang—345 million, zillion times.
   
2. Wished for death, or at least sudden deafness—345 million, zillion times.
   
3. Smudged self with nasty stinky white paint—23 times.
   
4. Wished that paint smelled more like freshly baked cinnamon rolls—35 times.
   
5. Amused self by silently saying the word “paint” until it lost all meaning—84,572,957 times.
   
6. Pondered clever and excruciating revenge for EvilOne—111 times.
   
7. Hoped that Venus Fang Fang might suddenly succumb to laryngitis—48 times.
   
8. Excused self to take extended bathroom break—13 times.
   
9. Responded to Venus Fang Fang’s advice on managing my overactive bladder—0 times.
   
10. Responded “No fangs, I’m good,” when asked if I wanted a snack—2 times.
    
11. Cheered self by reflecting that I was indirectly gaining valuable karate skills—7 times.
    
12. Wished for Tom Sawyer to come by so I could trick him
    into taking over my work—once.
    
13. Hoped that black cats might come along and mark freshly painted white fence as their territory—4 times.
    

On the upside, as I’ve mentioned, Venus Fang Fang has a very strong accent of some sort, which made for unintentional comedy when she told me that she is the autha of a book called
Defeating Your Enema
. That was when I spoke two of my four sentences of the day.

M
E
: Why would an enema need defeating? You could just…not use it.

V
ENUS
F
ANG
F
ANG
: Your ENEMA, chald, your NAMESIS, your ADVARSARY.

Pretty funny…Also, note to self: Tomorrow, must see if I can get Venus Fang Fang sidetracked into giving me some advice on defeating MY enemy. It probably has to do with defeating the enemy inside you, or hugging and learning, or some such nonsense, but it’s worth a shot. After all, this IS a woman who managed to disable a Vanian-Jugg circuit and whose backyard alarm system gave me pause for, like, a full fifteen minutes.

OK, am going to the sewer to sleep.

Later—nighttime at last!

Hid in my favorite bushes outside our house and waited for EvilOne to leave, then snuck in and went up to my bedroom. Triggered some kind of tripwire on the staircase, and several million thumbtacks shot out at me. Grabbling frumdarks!!!!!!!

Later

Have been enjoying some alone time in the room, tinkering with the Oddisee and checking on my plants. Man, I loooooooooove my lovely room. Cannot believe EvilOne has me on the run. Have GOT to come up with brilliant plan to get her out of my world.

Magic 8 Ball has not been a ton of help lately, but I can’t help reaching for it at times like this…

Hmm. I just asked the 8 Ball, “What should I do about EvilOne?” and its answer was, “SPIRIT ELDERS HOLD THE ANSWERS!”

Bizarre! Am headed upstairs to visit Great-Aunt Millie.

Later

Am dumbfounded at the depths of the evil of the EvilOne!!!!!!!!

It was obvious that EvilOne had been up in the attic already. Looks like she had some kind of temper tantrum and splashed black paint all over the place. It took me a long time to find Great-Aunt Millie. I finally noticed a barrel full of broken glass and dead leaves that had no business being there. I tipped it over
and scrabbled through the broken glass until I found Great-Aunt Millie.

She wasn’t good. She couldn’t even talk. I pulled her out of the glass and tried to give her a little comfort if I could by cradling her in my arms. I had to be very gentle to get her to relax on my lap. She was not too visible anymore except for a shimmer in the air like heat writhing. Occasionally a face sharpened up out of the shimmering air. You could see the resemblance to me, and to Patti, and maybe even to Mystery, if I’m going to be honest.

I asked her what happened, tried so hard to give her a little of my energy if that would help. And we did manage to communicate a bit. I knew I wasn’t really hearing her with my ears or seeing her with my eyes; it was all a direct feed into my brain from her essential energy, still vital enough to present herself in a way I could understand.

It mostly came into my mind in emotions and images, like this: EvilOne’s anger at not knowing about Great-Aunt Millie. EvilOne coming up to the attic, leading Raven, who was carrying the barrel of broken glass. EvilOne trapping Great-Aunt Millie in a net made of…rage, I think, and burying her in the barrel. Then more raging outside the barrel. And Great-Aunt Millie getting weaker and weaker inside.

I was getting kind of enraged myself at all of this and just hating, hating, hating EvilOne—for her evil, and for making me feel helpless to stop her, and for being so alien and incomprehensible.
Why can’t she just be the OtherMe I thought she was—someone I can understand and agree with perfectly, all the time? But Great-Aunt Millie seemed to be telling me I was wrong about EvilOne, that we are the SAME. So I tried to show her all our differences, all the memories and skills and qualities we didn’t share. But Great-Aunt Millie seemed to be saying that I was looking at it all wrong. And then this image popped into my head, a blurry, cross-eyed image of me and EvilOne that kept sort of trying to pull together, but never succeeded.

It started to give me a headache, and then it faded away.

Super frustrated, I asked Great-Aunt Millie out loud what I was supposed to do.

And she seemed to be telling me that if I really wanted to solve my problems with EvilOne, all we needed to do was Hug and Learn.

SIGH.

So much for that lead.

After that, Great-Aunt Millie didn’t try to talk, just looked at me, so real, full of physics and energy touching my brain.

I put her in a shoe box and hid her in the basement. Will do some reading on ways to rehabilitate poltergeists and see what I can do for her.

And I don’t care if we are the same—EvilOne will paaaaayyyy!

Later

Have just finished a difficult conversation with Mom. I found her in the living room with Mystery curled up on her lap. It was the first time I’ve EVER seen Mystery on someone else’s lap. Ohhhhhhhh how it hurt.

M
E
: [Head high. Holding tight to my dignity.] Hey, Patti, time for some straight talk.

M
OM
: [Putting Mystery down, sort of sheepishly.] What’s up, E?

M
E
: Just wanted you to know what the other Emily has been doing lately. She tried to destroy Raven, she’s tried to kill me a few times, and I just found Great-Aunt Millie buried in a barrel of broken glass. She seems to be spending a lot of time outside the house, and I have no idea what she’s up to. So…if you happen to have a small knife or other weapon you could conceal on your person from now on, I’d recommend it.

M: Oh, is THAT why you’ve been sleeping in my closet?

M
E
: Yes! Are you even listening to me? We’re all in
danger here! You could be next!

M: Sure, sure, I’m listening. You’re going through a tough patch right now. I remember when I was young, my sister and I fought all the time.

M
E
: Oh my gobfarks. We are NOT sisters.

M: Well…no, you’re not sisters per se, but you’re both my daughters, and I’m sorry to see that you’re having all this conflict.

M
E
: [Ugly suspicions dawning.] Uh, Patti, are you saying that…you…LOVE…the other Emily?

M: Well of course, I love both of you.

M
E
: AIIEEIIEIIEEEE!!!!!!!