Stranger and Stranger (20 page)

Wow. Will be very careful not to give Binary Larry any reasons to seek revenge on me.

Later

Early morning. I should be in bed. Have been eavesdropping on the following conversation:

M
OM
: Yeah, so, E, could you work on Raven’s programming and get her back over to Bebe’s right away? She seemed very concerned about some dusting that needed to get done.

E
VIL
O
NE
: Well, I actually might have some bad news for Bebe about that.

M: Really? I thought that stuff was super easy for you.

EO: Oh, it’s not that. I just think Raven’s kind of at the end of her life span, you know? Might be time to…you know…“retire” her.

M: Uh…you mean…? OH. “RETIRE” her. Won’t that be kind of hard to explain to Bebe? Not to mention your…um, twin?

EO: [Laughing evilly.] No. Not hard at all.

Oh the unspeakable evil!!!!!!!

Later

Raven and I are holed up in the treehouse for safety. Retire MY golem, huh? Let her try.

—Uh, I hope she doesn’t try it tonight. I have no idea how I would stop her.

June 22

Woke up in the treehouse and Raven was not there. Quickly searched the downstairs, then fake-lurched my way up to the bedroom, only to interrupt this charming scene:

E
VIL
O
NE
: Now pick up the chainsaw with your right hand.

R
AVEN
: K.

EO: Now use the chainsaw to cut off your head.

R: [Starting to obey.] K.

M
E
: [Busting in.] WHAT THE RUDDERTRUCKING? RAVEN, PUT THAT CHAINSAW DOWN!

R: K.

EO: What the jimjars?!?!? Raven’s not supposed to obey you. Have you been messing with her programming?

M
E
: Of course she’s supposed to obey ME! I’m as much Emily as you are!

EO: [Snorting.] Oh yeah? Look, Raven’s dangerous, I’m gonna retire her, and you can’t stop me.

M
E
: GAHHHHHHHH!!!!! [Kicking her in the back of the knee with my cast.]

EO: OOF! OW! [Hauling herself off the floor and tackling me.] BFF! BFF! BFF! UHHHH!

M
E
: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRAVEN GET HER OFF ME!

EO: [Dangling from Raven’s powerful grip.] RAVEN! LET ME DOWN! [Sprinting to the sun-spigot. Cranking it up full force. Turning the hose toward ME.]

M
E
: RAVEN, GET ME OUT OF HEEEEEEEERE!

Raven grabbed me and dove out the window, sliding down the drainpipe while I clutched her for dear life. EvilOne ran to the window and started shouting after us as we fled, but I covered Raven’s ears with my hands and chanted “Bobby Brady Bobby Brady Bobby Brady” until we were well away. Unbelievable depths of evil!!!!!!! Have taken Raven to the secret sewer. Am
very grateful EvilOne does not know about it. Will have to either find myself some other kind of protection that cannot be used against me, or rely on myself for my safety!

Later

Have left Raven in the sewer. Am now slinking around the mostly deserted streets of Silifordville, clutching FakeCat for comfort, and feeling bleak and afeard. Am using stealth tactics so that no police see me. You never know what a police officer may consider “artistic.” Black dress, a homemade stuffed black cat, and a cast painted to match? It’s the paddy wagon for you, kiddo!

—Uh, I guess I really have no right acting like the martyr here, since I am actually responsible for hundreds of mental-health cases and artist interrogations.

Also: have caught myself with my finger up my nose three times today. GAH!!!!!!!!

Later

Have noticed a big increase in loonies out on the streets tonight compared to the past few days. A quick visit to the Silifordville hospital has explained it: They just don’t have room for everyone. Seems like the doctors have started releasing the slightly less spastic ones. This includes a lot of teens, apparently. I observed a large group of them congregating in a parking lot outside a grocery store. (Typical teen behavior that I have never understood. It seems extremely unfun.)

They seemed subdued, depressed, and slightly zombielike. —OK, on the other hand, this is ALSO somewhat typical teen behavior. Perhaps they have actually been cured. Hard to say.

Am headed back to the sewer. Will have to sleep there for safety!

Later—in the sewer

Am glad I brought Victorian tapestries down here. They make reasonably good sleeping bags.

June 23

Have had a somewhat disturbing encounter with Binary Larry. Was hanging out in the secret sewer, painting on my mural, when my section suddenly took a turn to the south. I wanted to keep painting—I mean, I was getting to something good there—but I’d made that deal with him that south walls were his. So I put down my brush and went in search of him. He’s never too hard to find what with his squeeky boom box and all. (Squeeky Boom Box = great name for a band.)

Our conversation went a little bit like this:

M
E
: Binary Larry.

B
INARY
L
ARRY
: WASSSSSSSUH. November December.

M
E
: [?????] Uh, yeah. Can I trade you a north wall for a south wall? It’s important to my mural.

BL: Sure thing, NovDec.

M
E
: Are you calling me “NovDec”?

BL: November December. I heard that’s your new nickname.

M
E
: WHAT NOW? Where did you hear that?

BL: My man Froggy, he told me you’re taking down June July.

M
E
: [Slight bleeding from brain.] WHAT IN GACK’S NAME ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Long story short: When not at home making MY life miserable, EvilOne has apparently been battling the current Ms. Popularity, a girl named June July (Yeah. No joke. Her sister’s named Nicole Penny) for…popularity. POPULARITY. Kids have started calling EvilOne November December, and it sounds like she’s a pretty strong contender for the throne.

Had to choke back barf as I was listening to all this. Also, am having trouble believing that someone who is even 50% Emily Strange would go after popularity.

Unless…

Unless popularity serves her evil motives, that is.

Binary Larry doesn’t seem at all perturbed that I’m apparently leading two wildly different lives. I could tell him there’s this evil version of me running around, BUT, I can foresee all the tiresome sentences it would take me to explain the whole complex mess to him, and would rather just let things be.

Per Binary Larry, “I” rank as follows with the skate crowd:

1. #2 most hardcore skater in town (!!!!) —second only to local legend Fishballs, who has ruled for the past 5 years.
   
2. #1 best at naming new tricks.
   
3. #1 most creative swearing.
   
4. #13 best hair.
   
5. #3 best dressed.
   
6. #1 best at modifying skateboards.
   
7. #1 quickest with revenge noogies, headlocks, groin kicks, and insults.
   
8. #1 most knowledgeable about punk bands that existed before anyone’s parents were born.
   
9. #3 most well-supplied with spray paint.
   
10. #1 most willing to use spray paint on public surfaces.
    
11. #5 best tattoos. (Since when do we have tattoos?)
    
12. #4 most fun, and rising. (Since when do we have fun with people?)
    
13. #3 best conversationalist. (Since when do we have conversations with people?)
    

I feel…weird inside.

Later

OK—as if the night has not been unsettling enough, I just had Bizarre Conversation #2 with Binary Larry. My mural had taken yet another turn, this time onto a west-facing wall. Went in search of him one more time. Our chat was as follows:

M
E
: Dude, sorry, can I take a west wall?

B
INARY
L
ARRY
: A west wall, uh, uh, uh, the thing is, I need those walls.

M
E
: You need them?

BL: We had an agreement, man.

M
E
: K, that’s cool. [Turning to go.]

BL: Hey, wait a minute, I gotta ask you something.

M
E
: [Turning back.] [Waiting for his question.]

BL: [Sweating.] [Gulping.] Here’s the thing. The thing is…

M
E
: [Waiting…]

BL: The thing is, I think you’re….….……..….….….….…. cool. And, so, like, if I told you something…really, really secret…about the west walls, would you promise me you would, y’know, never act on that knowledge?

M
E
: [Heart filling with a greedy, panicky joy of
curiosity. Preparing smooth, reassuring lie so BL would spill his information.]…No.

BL: [Taken aback.] No? You wouldn’t promise me?

M
E
: [Flustered.] Wait, that’s not what I wanted to say at all. I meant to say, uh…guh…plugh…I mean…C’mon, just tell me, man, PLEEEEEASE!

BL: [Giving me extremely weirded-out look.] First promise!