Alyssa shoves me onto the kitchen counter. Her touch is gentle, sweet, and my body shakes from the proximity. She's so close. I have no clue what's going through her head--if she hates me, if she's convinced I don't deserve a second chance--but she's here in my apartment.
She scans my freezer. "How is it possible you don't own a single bag of peas?"
"I outgrew peas almost twenty years ago."
"You should have planned this better. Kept an ice pack on hand at the least."
"There's always next time."
She looks at me like I'm ridiculous. Then she slips back into her stoic facade. But there's a warmth under it. I can feel it.
She settles on a bag of frozen blueberries and moves towards me.
"He looks worse, right?" I ask.
"How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
"That's what I thought, but I figured I must have it wrong. Because there's no way a twenty-six-year-old man, a lawyer, would get into a fistfight at his office."
"You'd be surprised."
She smiles. "Tell me about it."
She presses the bag of blueberries to my eyes. It stings, but it's nothing compared to the hole in my gut from her being away.
"He was insulting you," I say.
She shakes her head. "Uh-huh."
"Implying that you're some kind of harlot."
"Some really current slang there."
She looks at me. There's something in her eyes, some kind of delight. Her lips curl into a tiny smile.
"He called you a slut," I say.
"I've been called worse."
"Maybe. But he went on about how you were using me. How you were already bored of me."
"And you believed him?" she asks.
"No, but the thought stung a lot worse than this black eye does."
A smile breaks onto her face. "God, what the hell am I going to do with you? You hit him because he called your girlfriend a slut?"
"I hit him because he deserved it," I say. "And maybe I hate that he ever mattered to you."
She runs her fingers along my neck. "Not like you do."
"But really, he looked awful, right?"
"He looked worse than I'd expect," she says.
"Excuse you?"
She laughs and her eyes find mine. "He's obsessive about going to the gym."
"I go to the gym," I say. "I'm very fit."
"I've experienced your level of fitness firsthand. Your stamina is very impressive. And your cardiovascular conditioning... I have no doubt you could outlast him."
"Continue."
She shakes her head. There's pleasure on her face. She's enjoying this. "In your dreams."
"Maybe I need to take you to the bedroom and remind you."
Her eyes light up. "I remember just fine. But he lifts. You don't."
"I do tabata."
"Of course you do." She laughs. "What the hell is tabata?"
"Tactical bodyweight exercises."
"I'm pretty sure you made that up." She rearranges the bag of blueberries and takes a long look at me. "Whatever you're doing, it's working. Everyone in a ten-mile radius knows how sexy you are. Hell, I can barely look at you shirtless without daydreaming about fucking you. Now sit still."
She takes a wet paper towel and wipes my forehead. Her touch is still soft and gentle. She wants to stay. She's almost mine.
I look into her eyes. "Samantha bought me out of my half of the mortgage today."
"Oh." She bites her lip.
"And after, we had a talk. And I told her that we can't be friends anymore."
"Why is that?"
"Really?"
She nods. "Really. Why did you end your friendship? She's your best friend, isn't she?"
"She was."
She slides the paper towel over my cheek. "So you must have had a reason."
"Isn't that what you wanted?" I ask.
She nods. "What did you want?"
"Ally, the only thing I want is you. I'd give up everything if it meant I could have you."
"Last time we were here, having this conversation, you phrased things a little differently."
"I know." I look up at her. She's still a beam of light. She's still everything I ever wanted. "I didn't think she'd be okay without me."
"What changed your mind?"
"What you said. Of course. How can you be so fucking smart?"
She smiles. "It's a curse."
"You were right. I've been trying so hard to be there for her that I forgot how much I fucking hated her."
"You hate everyone."
I nod. "Not you."
"Lucky me." She runs her fingers through my hair.
Her eyes are locked on mine. They're so bright and sincere. It's like I can feel everything inside her.
Looking at her, I know all this is going to be okay.
"You don't think you're lucky?" I ask.
"Smug asshole." Her lips curl into a smile. "What did Ryan say?"
"He said you were only using me for sex. That you were done with me."
"That's awfully progressive for Ryan," she says.
"And I wouldn't blame you if you were. I mean, look at me."
"I think we've established that you're sexy as hell."
I feel her fingers on my skin. There's such a warmth to it. A softness.
She pulls away the frozen fruit and locks eyes with me. "That was your offer--to be my revenge fuck."
"I could not have handled that. I would have gone crazy thinking about you."
"This isn't crazy?" She nods to my black eye. Runs her fingers over my bruised knuckles.
"This is inevitability. I've been daydreaming about punching Ryan since he called you a whore."
"And it has nothing to do with you?"
I shake my head. "Oh no, it was ninety percent me. He's been a condescending asshole for years. Did you know he always acts like he's my boss?"
She stares at me like I'm hopeless. She's right, in some ways. But I won't give up on her, or on us, and I don't think she'll give up on me.
"How would you have gone crazy?" she asks.
"Honestly, Ally, you had me hooked from the minute I met you and shamelessly flirted with you with make Ryan jealous."
"I knew it."
"I would have said anything to keep you in my apartment that night. I had convinced myself it was better than nothing. Maybe it would have been. It was an amazing night."
Her cheeks flush. "You can't distract me with memories of sex."
"It would have killed me to see you stay with Ryan. It did kill me."
Our eyes meet and she curls her lips into a smile. She's receptive to this.
No, she's here, in my apartment, cleaning me up.
She's in this for the long haul.
I don't know how I got so lucky, but she loves me. She loves me enough to stick around even when I punch out my business partner.
I brush the hair from her eyes. "I've been thinking."
"Rare for you."
I nod. "If he won't dissolve the business, I'll sell. He's not as aggressive as I am--"
"Your black eye disagrees."
I laugh. "In court." I take her hand. "But I have to admit, he's a decent lawyer. He'll manage my old clients okay." I look down at Alyssa. She's here, with me, and that's all that matters. "It's not ideal, but I'd rather he be out of our lives."
There's such a sweetness in her eyes. Maybe all this time I've been the one that needs her, instead of the other way around.
She smiles. "I'm proud of you."
"Really?"
"This requires great maturity."
"I'm trying to learn."
I run my fingertips along her cheek. She melts into the gesture, nesting into my hand. I'm tempted to stay quiet, to soak in this moment forever.
But I don't have the patience for it.
"Please tell me this space is over. Tell me you'll be mine forever."
"Forever is a long time." She holds my gaze.
"You're torturing me on purpose."
She nods, her teeth sinking into her lip. "You had to know your torturing would come back to haunt you."
"It's worth it." I slide off the counter and move closer to her.
With my hands on her waist, I bring our bodies together. Until we're only inches apart. Until I know that no matter the distance, nothing in the world could ever separate us.
"I love you, Alyssa."
"I love you too."
I reach for her hand and squeeze it tight. "I know things aren't perfect yet. I know we have a lot more kinks to work out, but I want to work them out with you. I'll go anywhere you go."
"Me too."
She closes her eyes, and our lips touch again, and everything is right with the world again.
Everything is in color again.
***
It's a sunny day. But then again it's always sunny here. I didn't tell Alyssa where we were going--only that it was important to me--but I'm sure she guessed by the time the 405 merged into the 5.
The bouquet of flowers was probably a dead giveaway.
Neither of us is wearing black, but this isn't a somber occasion.
She follows me out of the car, walking slowly on the grass. She's wearing sneakers, a brand new pair of hot pink sneakers, and she wants to keep them clean.
"I'll buy you a new pair," I offer.
She shakes her head. The grass is wet, from the sprinklers no doubt, and there are small patches of mud everywhere. Alyssa takes huge leaps to avoid them. She lands on her tiptoes like some kind of ballerina.
"Come here," I say. I slide my hands under her ass and lift her into my arms.
"You know I'm not going to fuck you in a cemetery."
"There's always after."
She shakes her head, but she's smiling. She likes the idea. Hell, her cheeks are red. She's probably envisioning it right now.
"Mr. Lawrence, this is a family establishment. You shouldn't discuss those kinds of base things."
"Uh-huh."
I let her down and she latches on to my shoulders. She stares straight through my eyes. It's like she's looking into my soul, like she can see everything inside of me.
She brushes her lips against mine. It's soft and sweet. Enough to make me melt.
"Come on." She takes my hand and squeezes tight.
I lead her through the cemetery. I still remember the way--ten rows from the back, three columns from the left. And there they are--the slate gray tombstones--Emilia Lawrence and Edward Lawrence.
I run my thumb over her fingers. "I've never been here with anyone else."
"Thanks for taking me."
"I never came here much. I always felt bad about it, like I was disappointing her again. They were fighting over me. If it hadn't been for me, she would never have run out of the house. She would have never gotten into the accident."
"It was an accident. There's nothing you could have done about it."
"I know, but... it's been so long now--ten years almost--and nothing has ever taken away that uneasy feeling in my gut. Nothing but being with you."
"I get the feeling it would be horribly inappropriate to kiss you the way I want to."
"It would be much worse if you tore off my clothes and fucked me senseless, but I wouldn't complain."
She shakes her head. "You aren't that irresistible."
"Now that's a bald-faced lie."
Her lips curl into a smile. "Maybe. But I've gained a lot of self-control." She raises onto her tiptoes and presses her lips into mine. "I'm sorry you hurt so much."
"Everyone hurts."
She nods. "But you've been through so much, and you've done most of it on your own."
I squeeze her hand. "I don't want to do it on my own anymore. After my mom died, I couldn't shake the idea that it was my fault. If she hadn't been taking such good care of me, defending me against my dad, it never would have happened." I press my fingers into the bouquet. "I know, intellectually, that it was an accident. That it was because of weather and some other driver's mistake, but it still felt like it was my fault. I convinced myself that I could survive without ever needing someone again, that things would be easier that way."
"Everyone needs helps sometimes."
I kneel and place the bouquet on my mom's grave.
"I miss her," I say. "She was the greatest mom in the world. She wasn't perfect, but she was always there for me."
"I'm sorry."
She moves closer to me until I can feel her heart beating.
"I always blamed my dad," I say. "I started hating him the day she died, and I never stopped. I still haven't stopped. At first it was for hurting Mom. Then it was for hurting Samantha. I was always angry at him... but never sad. And even though I hated him... he was my dad. I still remember our family trips to the park, playing catch, him trying desperately to convince me not to watch movies with my mom. He had good intentions. She did show me the most horribly violent movies. They were completely inappropriate for me."
The sun is high in the sky, bringing out the vivid hues of the grass, the flowers, even the tombstones.
"He was awful, but it still hurt to lose him," I say.
"You've carried a lot on your shoulders."
I turn to Alyssa. "I'm not saying I'm going to be perfect, or that we're going to be perfect. But I want to do things right, Ally. I want to be there for you. It's hard to admit it, but I want you to be there for me too. I know we have problems, but I know I can take on anything if it's with you."
She smiles. "I want to be there." She moves closer to me, wrapping her body around mine. "I love you. No matter what happens, I love you."
"I love you too," I say. I press my lips to hers, and I know that, somehow, everything is going to be okay.
Author's Note
Thank you so much for reading Rouse Me. If you enjoyed the novel, please leave a review. Honest reviews help authors and readers alike.
Follow Luke and Alyssa's journey in Fill Me, the final installment of the Rouse Me trilogy.
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Rouse Me Series
Rouse Me
(Book 1)
Stir Me
(Book 2)
Fill Me
(Book 3)
Acknowledgments
My dearest Kevin, you are definitely the honey in
my
tea. I am eternally grateful for your patience listening to all my crazy pitches, blurb revisions, and minor freak outs. I know we are going to have an amazing life together. To my father, thank you for always encouraging my reading and writing, and for taking me to the bookstore when I was supposed to be grounded. To my mother, I know you don't always understand the path I have chosen, but thank you for believing in me.