Spurt (9 page)

And the junior school’s best and brightest
, thought Jack.
And the staff-room cleaners, thanks to Mr Trench.
And, if Hallie was right about the alcohol-buying thing, possibly all of senior school.

Not that it mattered who heard it now. Vivi had been right there in front of him.

Finally, Jack had proved to her that he really
was
too embarrassing to stay friends with.

The recess bell rang. Jack hid behind the lockers at C block, waiting for Philo to walk past.

‘Psst!’ he whispered.

Philo had opened up his locker and was dumping his books inside. ‘Jack, there you are! Everyone’s talking about you.’

Oh god
, thought Jack. ‘Is it bad?’

‘It’s really bad. They’re calling you “bigfrig”.’

Jack groaned.

‘I know. It’s like everyone’s forgotten the show you were on was actually called
Bigwigs
?’

‘Yeah, I think the reason they might be calling me “bigfrig” is
because of you and your stupid merkin
!’ Jack thrust the pube wig at Philo.

Philo seemed reluctant to take the merkin back – which left Jack to hold it out between them like the worst Valentine offering in history.

‘Jack, dude.’

Jack turned around to see Reese and Darylyn standing behind him. He whisked the merkin out of sight, leaning casually against the lockers, hands behind his back, concealing the pube wig as best he could.

‘So anyway,’ said Jack, raising his voice, ‘I can definitely help you with that homework problem, Philo.’

Philo frowned and nodded insistently in the direction of the hidden merkin. ‘But what about the –’

‘We’ll talk later, okay?’

Jack thought he saw a hint of a pout on Philo’s face as he turned and disappeared down the corridor. He felt a little bad. Maybe he’d hurt Philo’s feelings. But Philo, with his ill-conceived act of crotch-crochet, had just about destroyed whatever was left of Jack’s cred.

He nodded towards Reese and Darylyn, doing his best to play it cool. ‘H-hey guys. What’s up? I haven’t seen you two all morning.’

Not exactly true
, he thought.

Reese and Darylyn exchanged glances.

Jack grimaced. ‘When I say “you two”, I don’t mean there
is
a “you two”, like that’s a thing. I’m just saying, you’re both here now. Together. Not “together” together. Not that I’m saying you couldn’t be. That’d be fine. If you were. I’m totally cool with all that stuff, obviously.’

Darylyn shuffled closer to Reese and gave him a pointed nudge.

Reese scratched his jaw.

‘So, dude. We … kind of heard about what happened.’

Jack noticed Darylyn roll her eyes. Had she been expecting Reese to say something else? Had they actually come looking for him so they could fess up about their before-school rendezvous?

‘It wasn’t what it looked like,’ said Jack.

A bunch of Year 10s walked past. ‘Hey, it’s Jack Spankley!’ one of them shouted.

Jack did his best to ignore them. ‘I mean, lots of things aren’t necessarily what they look like, right?’ he said, looking at Reese and Darylyn. ‘You might see two people walking along and think “Is that person holding hands with that other person?” or you might see something else that’s totally innocent and think “Hey, is that guy touching himself inappropriately in public?” – but actually, you might be completely wrong. And that’s exactly what’s happened here. Everyone’s got it wrong.’

He was about to gesture emphatically to drive home his point, but remembered he was still holding the merkin. He leant against the lockers again to make sure it stayed hidden behind his back. ‘I mean, you don’t really believe I’d … do
that
in front of everyone, do you?’

‘I don’t know, Jack. Yesterday you said you were doing it for the entire holidays,’ said Darylyn.

‘Okay, fair point,’ said Jack. ‘But that was just … Look, it’s under control. It’s just a normal amount of completely non-public masturbation, the same as any other teenage male who has
definitely
hit puberty. I promise. Cross my heart.’

Reese and Darylyn stared at him expectantly. Jack stood where he was, leaning against the lockers, not moving.

‘Dude, are you crossing your fingers behind your back?’

‘No!’ said Jack.

Reese shrugged. ‘Well, whatever.’ He looked down at Darylyn, then back at Jack. ‘Look, this is kind of awkward. But there’s something we’ve been meaning to tell you. Me and Darylyn, that is. Anyway … before the holidays, we kind of … well, we realised –’

‘We realised we have feelings of affection for each other,’ said Darylyn. ‘Strong. Affection.’

‘Oh,’ said Jack. It felt like the time he’d pretended to be surprised when he opened the Xbox he’d seen in his mum’s cupboard two weeks before Christmas. ‘Well … congratulations? And … thanks for telling me, I guess?’

‘I told you he’d be weird about it,’ Reese muttered.

‘I’m not!’ said Jack. ‘Seriously. I’ve just had a pretty
intense
morning, okay? I think Mr Trench tried to recruit me into some kind of wildman cult. And possibly the army.’ He paused. ‘Wait, you thought I’d be weird about it?’

Reese looked uncomfortable. ‘It doesn’t matter –’

‘Jack?’ came Vivi’s voice down the corridor. Sampson was with her, looking excited about the front row seats he’d scored to yet another performance of the Jack Sprigley humiliation stage spectacular. ‘What the hell
was
that back there? Could you really not wait until Ditz-stagio had finished her speech? Seriously?’

‘It wasn’t what it looked like,’ said Jack. He had to admit it didn’t sound any more convincing the second time around. Feeling under attack, he tried to back further away, forgetting he was already fully pressed against the lockers.

‘No?’ snorted Sampson. ‘You’re actually
not
an uncontrollable gherkin-jerker?’

Jack had to hold himself back from flipping Sampson the bird. For one thing, he still had the merkin in his hand. For another, Sampson would probably exact a terrible revenge next time they had PE.

‘No,’ said Jack. ‘I’m not.’

Vivi cocked her head to one side. ‘That’s funny, because yesterday morning you decided to tell us all that you’d been masturbating for the
entire holidays
.’

‘Thank you,’ said Darylyn.

Jack groaned. ‘I’ve been through all this already.’

‘Sorry I missed it,’ said Vivi. ‘But we were busy filling in my application for Mayor for a Week.’

‘We?’ said Jack.

‘I had to get Oliver to nominate me.’

‘
I
hadn’t been hauled away to see the vice principal,’ said Sampson, shrugging. ‘Plus I had the advantage of not having my hands full.’

‘Come on, dude,’ said Reese, frowning at Sampson. ‘Why are you even here?’

‘It’s okay, Reese,’ said Jack. ‘I can take a joke. I wouldn’t want you thinking I’m being
weird
or anything.’

Darylyn glanced at Reese, then Jack. ‘Well. This did not go the way I expected.’ She looked up at Sampson. ‘Also, I don’t know who you are.’

Just then, Jack’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He’d forgotten: someone had been trying to call him. That was how the whole case-of-mistaken-masturbating had started.

With everyone busy talking to Sampson, Jack knelt down and threw the merkin into the bottom of his backpack, burying it beneath a pile of books.

With his hands and pockets finally free of pubic hairpieces, he grabbed his phone and checked his messages.

A missed call, a voicemail message and a bunch of texts, all from his mum.

I’m serious Jack! said the latest text. Call me back NOW!!

Mr Trench had obviously called home already. Which meant the following conversation was going to be awkward.

Jack turned his back on Vivi and the others for a moment, took a deep breath, and pressed ‘Dial’.

His mum’s voice was high-pitched and breathless when she answered. ‘Jack?’

He sighed. ‘Hi, Mum.’

There was a pause. ‘Well?’

‘I … don’t really know what to say.’

‘No, that’s pretty much exactly how I felt!’ said his mum.

‘I guess they called you then.’

‘Yes, and they’re going to send through an email with more details.’

Jack frowned.
More details?
‘Wait, w-what sort of details did they give you?’

‘Just the basics. When, where, how much.’

‘How
much
?’

‘Then there’s the big question, which is whether you want to do it again.’

Do it again?
Jack’s brows drew together in confusion. He’d expected the conversation to be weird – but not
this
weird.

‘It’s your choice, obviously. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. But I just think, despite the way things ended up, you actually did have a lot of fun the first time, right?’

Jack couldn’t believe what he was hearing. With the others still talking, he hunched over his phone and whispered, ‘Mum, this is kind of awkward …’

‘Okay. Let’s talk it through properly tonight.’

‘Or … let’s not?’

‘Well, you’ll have to decide sooner or later. But I understand. It’s a lot to think about. But if you do decide to put yourself out there again, we’ll have forms and things to fill out, so we’d want to get onto that asap.’

‘
Forms
?’

‘Well, you’ll need parental permission. Consent forms. They said they’ll want to film you at school, at home, that kind of thing.’

‘
Film
me?’ Was he being
monitored
now?

‘Just a small crew. Then they want you to come on stage.’

‘Um –’

‘I know, it could be a bit full-on with an audience and everything, but it’s not a competition and you won’t be on your own. There’s going to be a whole bunch of you doing it, apparently.’

‘Wait wait wait wait wait,’ said Jack, putting a hand to his forehead. ‘The
school
wants to
film me
doing …
that
?’

Suddenly the others were looking his way. There was a pause on the other end of the phone. ‘Huh? Not the school, Jack.’

‘Well, who?’

‘The
Bigwigs
people.’

‘Bigwigs
?’ said Jack.

‘I told you. They want you to be on the show again. For this reunion thing they’re doing. Didn’t you listen to my message?’

Suddenly the whole conversation made a
lot
more sense – and had become roughly ten thousand times less disturbing.

‘N-no,’ said Jack, breathing a sigh of relief. ‘No, sorry … I thought you were talking about something … totally different.’

‘What did you
think
I was – wait a minute, I’ve got another call coming through.’

Jack realised it was probably Mr Trench calling. ‘Don’t answer it!’ he blurted. He’d already suffered through one half of an awkward conversation – he wasn’t sure he could repeat the experience with both sides fully briefed and up to date. ‘T-tell me more,’ he said, desperate to stop her answering the call.

He looked up at the others. ‘Tell me about this
Bigwigs
thing.’