Authors: Ebony N. Donahue
I take a moment to reflect on the words of this song. What I take from it is, he’s asking for purification, for the sins of his father and from the long standing suffering that has caused him pain. The numerous tears being shed is like a cleansing rain, washing away all the suffering that has come thus far. That’s deep!
Moments pass as I gather my courage, I take a deep breath, grab the door handle and exit my car. My nerves are shot, I am standing on shaky legs, but I manage to stand.
“Make it rain. Make it rain down, Lord!” I whisper these words to the sky. I’ll take all the help I can when it comes to cleansing my soul.
I jump as my phone starts to rings. “Hel…hello?”
“Amber, where are you at? You know we need to leave in like thirty minutes.”
“Ahhhh…wh…what? What did you say?” I’m terrified of being here. I’m terrified of his response once he finds out where I am. Damn, I’m a mess.
“Amber, what are you doing?”
“Ummm, don’t be mad. Mom called and her flight has been delayed. Rosa called her, my cap and gown arrived and she left it in the kitchen. So, umm…I decided to come and pick it up?” The last was more of a question for myself. Yes, I am seriously questions my own sanity at this point.
“WHAT?!”
Shit, I knew he would react like this. “You’re at that fucking house…by yourself? What the fuck for, for a stupid cap and gown. Why would you subject yourself to that? I can hear it in your voice, you’re scared out of your mind. Babe, please come home.”
Listening to him treat me as if I’m a helpless child has me stiffening my spine. I can do this! All I have to do is walk in and retrieve the package and head home.
“Babe, it’s okay, it’s just a package. I’m okay. If it will make you feel better, I’ll stay on the phone until I’m back in my car.” He doesn’t respond. “Chase…Chase…you still there?”
“Yeah. Amber, I’m so pissed right now.”
I activate my Bluetooth and head towards the door to let myself in. My hands are shaking so bad that I drop the keys on my first attempt at unlocking the door. So many bad memories bombard me. As the door opens I take in a deep breath to settle my nerves. Bad move, the smell of the home brings on more horrifying memories.
I reflexively whimper.
“Amber”
I hear Chase growl out my name in frustration. I am so far gone in my past that I lose the ability to respond to my here and now…my future.
“Fuck this, I’m coming over there.”
I don’t know if he is talking to me or to himself at this point.
I have no other choice, I fall back to what has always helped me in the past.
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
Psalm 23:4
It’s like I’m in a trance, I repeat my prayer aloud as if it were a record stuck on repeat as I continue on my journey. I arrive in the kitchen, I look around for a few minutes...where’s the package? Where is the damn package?
“Where is the fucking package?”
I ask no one in particular aloud.
“Amber, I don’t like this. I’m on my way, I’m just 20 minutes away. Get out of there!” I hear Chase’s frantic voice through my earpiece.
I see a slip of paper on the table and read it aloud. “Amber, your package is in your room.” Mom must have misunderstood Rosa.
“Get the fuck out of there now, Amber!” I ignore him.
My breathing has increased as I head up the stairs to my room. Visions of me dragging my broken bleeding body up here, has me freaking out, I start to cry. How could I not have known what that crazy man was capable of? Year after year, the abuse I was expected to shoulder, it’s staggering the amount of torment I endured at his hands. I stumble against the wall as sobs escape me.
I need to muster the strength to open my bedroom door, grab my package and run like hell. Run and leave all of this madness behind me.
As I open the door, I notice that everything has been boxed and stacked against the walls in a nice tidy way. The only thing that has not been disturbed is my bed. Anger engulfs me at the sight of this tainted piece of furniture. If I had a lighter on hand I would surely set it aflame. I scurry over to the bed to grab my package. As I lean over to grasp it, my bedroom door slams behind me.
“What was that? Amber, what was that?”
My vocal cords have decided to abandon me because… I know. I know as surely as I’m standing here breathing. This particular scenario has been played out on plenty of nights, just as it has caused me to shudder back then…my body fails me now. I feel wetness skitter down my pants leg, how can one person reduce you to this point, a point where you soil yourself out of fear?
Living in this house conditioned me to accept his depraved acts. But, being away for so long has unconditioned me to the fear and the brutality he is able to unleash upon me, at any given time. The slamming of the door takes me back to the beginning, when I was just a mere child screaming for help and pissing myself out of fright. Memories of him having his way with me, unconcerned of my soiled state bombards me.
Oh GOD, he’ll have no problem taking me again, piss and all. I cannot respond to Chase’s simple questions, I’m too far gone. I stiffen at the familiar deep baritone chuckle behind me. I turn and let out a gasp at what’s standing in front of me.
“You’re back to pissing yourself again, I see. Do you think that will stop me? Haven’t you learned anything or have you forgotten due to you living in sin, like the whore you are? That’s okay, I’ll remind you. I’m going to fuck you, pissy cunt and all, it’s been too long.” The sight of him repulses me. He’s stark naked leaning against my bedroom door, completely aroused as he jerks himself while talking to me.
Scampering, I try to put as much distance between the two of us, as I can. “Nononononononono! Not again!” I scream out.
“Behold I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you.”
Luke 10:19. I speak scripture to give me strength in my time of need.
“Did you honestly think I would allow you to leave me? To just up and move away from me? How many times do I have to reiterate that, YOU BELONG TO ME?!” He yells the last of his sentence, which causes me to jump back. I am already against the wall with nowhere to go, my reaction to his yelling causes me to bang my head against the wall.
“Ahhhhhh!” I screech in pain.
“Fuck….highway…backed up….fifteen minutes away…calling cops…”
I hear bits and pieces of Chase’s rant through my earpiece.
“I got here this morning and to my surprise, I find this place all packed up, even our bed. It took me a minute, but I was able to reassemble it just in time.”
He’s advanced further in the room and is now standing by my bed. My eyes can’t help but to see, the train wreck in front of me. His hand is moving much faster, his hips are gyrating, his head is thrown back in sick ecstasy as he releases a guttural growl. White spurts of his cum lands on my bed. I whimper at this animalistic act. It’s as if he’s marking his territory.
“Yeah, that was good! The anticipation had me all worked up. Seeing you again, knowing that I will have you to myself… Princess, I’m sorry about the bed.” He chuckles. “It was vital that I get that one off. As much as I have been craving you, I couldn’t let our first time be too quick. I want to savor you. Now, it’s time!” He says, smiling wickedly at me.
I find my voice as his horrified words and his debauched actions penetrate my fear. “t…time…time for what?” I’m reduced to stuttering.
“Time to have what’s mine again, what do you think?”
What do I think?
What do I think?
Well, I think he’s a fucking low life bastard, for one. A fucking child molester and a despicable excuse for a man. As I stand here huddled against the wall cowering from my father, it dawns on me the caliber of cowardice he possess.
Give me strength lord to stand up to this spineless man.
“For You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord shall enlighten my darkness. For by You I can run against a troop; by my GOD I can leap over a wall. As for GOD, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him.” 2 Samuel 22:29
.
If it takes me all day I will not waiver on my faith. Not now! I will continue to fight with scripture and repeat them aloud if that will keep him at bay.
“Do you think those words will help you? Do you think they will keep you safe?” He sneers at me as he takes a few steps in my direction.
“Yes!” I scream with authority. “These scriptures, these words of
my Lord
, of
my GOD
, is the only thing that got me through your nightly visits. It’s the only strength I had, the only armor I needed in this unwinnable war you thrust upon me. It’s the only thing you couldn’t take from me. YOU TOOK EVERYTHING ELSE FROM ME…EVERYTHING!” I’m panting in rage. “How could you rape your own daughter for all of these years?!
How could you do that to me?!”
I scream at him.
“What kind of sick fuck do you take me for?” He has the nerve to look aghast. “I would never fuck my own daughter.” He points an accusing finger at me. “You’re not my
daughter
…your
MINE
!” He yells back at me. “I picked you! Your bitch of a mother was so lonely and desperate for a man, she practically threw herself and her money at me. What sane man would turn down some lonely bitch willing to pay his way through the world? I could have walked away and left her to find another man, but why, when she was willing and ready to do anything to keep me.” He hits his chest to drive the last remark home.
I knew he was crazy all along, but this is beyond the realm of my comprehension. This guy has lost all of his scruples. He’s nothing, but a weak person, prying on the weak minded and weak willed. I refuse to be that willing person for him any longer.
He chuckles. “Can you believe it, the first time I was introduced to you I had been dating your mom for six months…six short fucking months and your stupid mother was trying to make you call me daddy. Hell, you couldn’t even talk yet. GOD, you gotta love lonely, gullible,
stupid women
! When I saw you for the first time, I knew you were going to grow up to be a stunning woman,
my woman
! So, I stayed, I married the bitch, just so that I can train you to be the woman that I needed. You sure have pleased me over the years, but I want more…I need more…I need you forever. Do you think I trained you all of these years, so that you could leave me and be with someone else?
Bitch, are you crazy?! YOU – ARE – MINE!”
My guts twist at what he is describing to me. I’m stunned into silence at how candid he is speaking. “Now that I’ve finally finished the training, which by the way, anal was the last of your lessons…you think you can leave me! No Amber, you’re wrong!” He’s so angry by the end of his tirade that spittle flies from his lips as he speaks.
“What I know is that you will never, ever, touch me again.” I’m astonished at my cool tone. Throughout his tirade, a wave of peace encompassed me. From that point on, nothing he has said has affected me.
He’s not my father, well, I knew that already. So, that’s not a big surprise. My mother being weak, weak enough to let some man that she knew a hot minute, prey on her infant child. Yeah, that’s not particularly a shocker either. What did shock me was that he had planned my future, my sexual exploits since I was a mere baby. That pissed me off! I didn’t have a chance, I never had a chance for a normal life!