Sound Advice (Sensations Collection #1) (17 page)

The privacy of the family needs to be respected when the condolences are done.

“Matters of Manners,” 1974

FILLING OUT THE forms for the death certificate and making arrangements with a funeral home were a blur to me. I was hardly aware of how long I had been at the hospital. I ate and slept there. The nurses let me take a shower in one of the shower rooms after Jess brought me a change of clothes. I didn’t talk to him much, but simply thanked him for the gesture and asked about Katie. He attempted to touch me as he told me how tired I looked, but I pulled away from him. I didn’t need his sympathy filled with regrets.

I called Rosie from the hospital when Nana passed on. We had spoken on the phone each day that Nana was in the hospital. She was my personal cheerleader to keep my chin up and hold my heart down in regards to Jess Carter. The problem was that I wanted his comfort, but not like this; not because of this. I had to keep myself separate. When Joe Carpenter eventually gave me a ride back to Nana’s all I wanted to do was sleep.

Sue Carpenter was an angel in my opinion. She made all the funeral arrangements. She called the church for me and organized a luncheon to be served at the Carpenter’s home. I said I could have something catered at Nana’s, which would be the proper custom, but truthfully I didn’t have a clue where could cater in the area. Sue also convinced me that when I was done receiving the customary condolences, I could leave the mess behind and she would clean it up.

Rosie could not attend the funeral. With the baby due any day now, traveling was out of the question. Her husband, Mark, had offered to fly up with the girls, but I really thought it would be more hassle than it was worth. I didn’t want the company or the entertainment, and although he was family, Mark didn’t know Nana like Rosie and I had known her. So I stood alone in the front of the church in a black dress with a light sweater over it. I didn’t pack my black suit in my haste to return to Elk Rapids weeks ago. A funeral was the last thing on my mind. My spaghetti strap dress in a church would have appalled Nana for funeral attire, so I borrowed one of her old sweaters to cover my shoulders. It was too long and too big, but I didn’t care. I kept my sunglasses on as much as possible, taking them off only for the service in the church. The luncheon followed a trip to the small cemetery on the edge of Elk Lake where Elizabeth Parish was laid to rest beside her husband, John.

Nana was old, and many of her friends had passed, but being from a small town, local people knew her. Townspeople of all ages came to show their respect. Older neighbors appreciated her kindness and grace. The families on the street remembered her gentle smile. Children brought handfuls of floral weeds as homage to playing in the fairy tale cottage playhouse in Nana’s garden. After meeting and shaking hands with people I hardly remembered, or never knew, I finally came across Katie Carter.

“Hello,” I signed and said.

Hello
, Katie signed.

“I have missed you,” I signed and said.

I am sorry, mama
, Katie signed, spelling
m-a-m-a
.

I was startled and corrected Katie.

“You mean you are sorry about Nana.
N-a-n-a.
” I signed the spelling.

I am sorry, mama
, Katie repeated.

My eyebrows pinched and I looked at Katie with concern.

“Nana,
n-a-n-a
.” I emphasized the ‘n.’

Katie stared at me with an intensity almost similar to her father’s. I had never had a stand-off with her before, but I truly had no idea why she kept spelling
mama
instead of
nana
, but Tom Carter walked up at this point to give me his condolences and I let the issue go.

“Sorry you are leaving us. Hoped you’d stick around a little longer.”

“Oh, thank you, Tom. I have a few things to handle for Nana. About Nana.” I corrected myself. “I’m in no hurry to get home yet.”

Tom Carter looked at me with a puzzled expression. Then his smile grew largely.

“Well, that’s good to know. Good to know. Harbor Days’ coming up. Always a good time then.” I smiled in return to his constant good nature. I knew Tom meant well, but now was not the time to be thinking of a party.

“Now is not the time to talk about partying, Tom,” said a woman with a swat to the back of his head. I recognized her as Mary Carter, Tom and Jess’ mother, when she spoke to me.

“So sorry this happened to you, dear. It must have been a fright. I know from my own John having a heart attack years ago at home in bed with me. It’s a rough road ahead for you and if you need someone to talk to, you call me. I’ve been through all the stages of loss and you will find your way through too.” I again knew that Mrs. Carter meant well.

Jess never approached me. He was present at all the functions, always in my periphery, but never in my space. I had noticed he was dressed in that runway model look with a white shirt rolled to the elbows, a dark tie, and dark jeans. He had had a dark coat on at the funeral, but now it was removed. People were starting to thin out of the Carpenter’s home and I began to clear dishes and carry them into the kitchen.

“This is not for you,” Sue said as she grabbed coffee cups out of my hands. “Go home now. Take a nap. I’ll bring you some dinner later.”

“Sue, you’re an angel,” I said as I hugged her and obeyed her suggestion like a child.

I LAY ON my bed in Nana’s house with my dress and shoes still on. I was curled up with my hands under the pillow and my knees pulled up to my chest. I had taken off Nana’s sweater due to the heat of the luncheon next door, and I stared out the window at a lone Morning dove cooing on the phone line.

I never heard the back door click open or someone walk up the wooden stairs. I had just closed my eyes when I felt someone sit down on the edge of the bed behind me. As I turned in surprise, I saw Jess sitting opposite me. He wasn’t looking at me and I resumed my original position.

“How are you doing?” he asked me.

“What do you want?” I responded, harsher than I intended.

“I want to know how you’re doing.” I knew without looking at him that he was clenching his jaw in that way he had and was probably pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I’m fine. Thank you,” I said formally.

“Katie misses you.”

“I miss her too.”

There was silence after this comment and I waited a moment before I spoke.

“I don’t need your sympathy, Jess. I told you it wasn’t your fault.”

“I’m not here out of guilt.”

“Then why are you here?”

He didn’t answer.

“I can’t do this right now, Jess. You’ve made yourself clear. Please go away.”

I heard the side of the bed rise as Jess stood up. I listened for him to leave and heard him cross the short space to the bedroom door. Silently, tears slipped down my face and I briskly wiped them away. The room was quiet before I felt the bed creak behind me again. Arms suddenly came up around me and I felt Jess’ body pressed into my back.

“I’m not leaving,” he whispered into my ear.

More tears rolled down my face as his hand moved along my arm and I cradled my hand in his. I closed my eyes again and wiped my face with my other hand. With his free fingers, Jess began stroking my hair. He had removed it from the twist I had it in, and he was tenderly combing it out. When he was done with that, he let go of my hand and began to rub my back. Gentle fingers massaged my neck and shoulders down the center of my back, moving lower to its base. It took a while, but I finally relaxed. I knew under better circumstances I would have been on fire under his intimacy, but now I was so tired and drained that I gave into the comfort, not the temptation, of his touch. I felt him tracing something on my back. Letters possibly, spelling something maybe. It felt like an
I
…but I was drifting off to sleep.

Hours passed and it was pitch black when I woke. Jess was still on the bed with me, but there had been a shift. I no longer had on my shoes, which was the first thing I consciously noticed. I also noticed that I was no longer cradled into Jess, but more like sprawled on top of him. I raised my head slightly to take in our new position, and leaned on him to see how we had twisted in the night. Jess was flat on his back with my hand up inside of his t-shirt, touching hot, rippled abdominal skin. His oxford shirt was unbuttoned, lying open. I had one leg hiked over Jess’ leg, so my dress was raised up to below my hip, exposing my thigh, which Jess had his hand on. I looked down at his sleeping face and realized I was practically on top of him. Hurriedly, I disentangled myself and leapt to one side of the bed. In embarrassment, I pulled down the skirt of my dress and realized one of the spaghetti straps had broken.

Jess propped up on his elbows and looked around the room, sleepily.

“What time is it?”

“I have no idea. Late.” I was kneeling awkwardly on one side of the bed by then. I could hear the sounds of the night outside the window. Crickets chirped softly and creatures squeaked through the yard. It took me a moment to process that, no, I had not been drinking, and no, nothing happened between Jess and I. He lay back down and smoothed his uncontained hair before he spoke.

“You okay?”

“I think I was draped all over you.”

“Um… I noticed.” Without seeing his face, I knew he was smiling a lopsided smile and when I covered my own face with my hands in embarrassment, in my mind’s eye I could see his hidden dimple. Jess rolled off the opposite side of the bed and reached down for his shoes.

“Don’t sweat it,” he said with his half-crooked smile. The heat of his voice was seductive and it sent a shiver down me. I shook a little.

“Are you cold?”

“No.”

“I should go. You know, before the neighbors talk.” He smiled again.

“Oh, I bet it’s too late for that.” I giggled. “But you have Katie to think about.”

He didn’t answer and my comment added a tension that wasn’t in the air a moment ago.

“Leave before I do something I’ll regret,” I whispered, trying to make light of the situation.

“Oh, that might tempt me more to stay,” his voice was suddenly lower, dangerous sounding.

“Just go,” I laughed nervously.

“Alright, alright. You don’t have to be so pushy.”

I lay down on my back and giggled softly. “I always am.”

Jess stood as he looked down at me. “Good night, Emily.” I rolled onto my side to see him walk out the door for real this time.

“Good night, Jess.” That new growing desire roll through my body as he exited and I moaned in defeat again.

Quite simply put, what you do says more than what you say.

“Matters of Manners,” 1965

I WOKE TO a light rapping on the back door, and my first thought was of Jess, but then I thought better of it. I rolled out of bed, stumbled down the stairs, and eventually opened the door for Sue Carpenter.

“Are you hungry yet?” Sue was cheerful as she looked me up and down. I still had on the black funeral dress, now looking like I had slept in it, which I had.

“No visitor still?” Sue exaggerated her gaze over my shoulder to look around me standing in the doorway.

“Oh God,” I whispered, blushing profusely.

“Oh, no worries. I came to bring you dinner, but the lights were out. I noticed the truck around the side of the block. I’m sure no one else paid attention.” Sue smiled sheepishly. I was sure that if Sue noticed, several others had as well.

“Come in. Come in,” I waved, stepping back.

“Thought you might need some help today. It’s best to dig in and not let things sit and wait.” I knew Sue meant cleaning out Nana’s things.

“I don’t know if I’m really ready. I’m not sure what to do about rentals.”

“Who said anything about rentals?”

“Well, that’s what I was going to do before Nana…” I stopped myself. “I was ready to take Nana to Chicago and fix the house for a rental.”