Authors: Beckie
off the lens of his glasses. “Not really.”
I suddenly remember that he should probably be in school. “What day is it anyway?”
“Today is Monday.”
“Shouldn’t you be at school then?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Not this week. We have a break from school.”
“Oh, what for?”
“Schools have a few breaks throughout the year when it’s a national holiday, or for Easter
and Christmas and stuff.”
“Do you like school?” I ask.
He half smiles and pushes his glasses up with his fingers. “It’s okay, but some days I just can’t be bothered to go.”
“So what do you do then?” I persist.
He shrugs. “Stay at home, or if my parents are home, then I pretend I’m going to school and
just hang around with my friends or go and play soccer or something.”
“Don’t you get into trouble for that? I thought you told me that it’s illegal to not go to
school.”
He laughs and turns the car onto the coastal road. The beach looks to be full of people
wearing bikinis who have chosen to escape for the day.
“I’d get into trouble if I got caught, but I never do,” he says simply.
“So why do you do it if you’re not supposed to?”
He shakes his head but smiles. “Sometimes, Serena, kids do stuff that doesn’t make sense.”
“Why?”
He sighs and turns the car onto the highway, where there are more lanes and the cars seem
to be moving quicker. I hear the roar of his engine underneath us as the car lurches forward and
picks up speed. “That’s a really difficult question to answer.”
I don’t say anything else. I lean back and look out over the bridge towards the sea and the
sun that’s creeping higher in the sky. After a few minutes, the soft sounds of music float through the speakers. The first two songs I have never heard before, but I instantly recognise the third song that comes on and start to hum along to the tune.
“How do you know this song?” he asks, not turning to look at me this time.
I smile. “My Mother got me an iPod a few years ago and this song was on there.”
“She got you an iPod?”
I nod, remembering the day she gave it to me. “It was the day she came back home with
baby Elodie.”
He turns his head towards me. I glance forward to make sure we’re not about to drive into
anything and then stare back. I want to know what he’s thinking. I want to know why he’s even here with me. I want to know why he sometimes chooses not to go to school. Is it because he doesn’t like his teachers? Does he not like learning new things?
But I don’t ask any of those questions. Instead, I pick up my camera and take a picture of him
driving with one hand on the wheel, the other leaning on his door. I watch the picture of him pop up onto the screen and memorize every feature of his face, hair, and body.
He exits the highway and turns down a road lined with trees that hang over it, casting dark,
menacing shadows over us. A few minutes later, he swings the car into a parking lot and I see a sign telling me where we are.
“You’ve brought me to the zoo?” I ask.
“Yeah, I thought you might like to see some animals,” he says.
I turn and look at him. After my eyes have traced every line of his face from his forehead
down to his strong jaw, I look back up into his eyes and find him looking at me. Even though I can’t actually see his eyes through his sunglasses, I can tell he’s watching me. What is it that he sees when he looks at me? Does he see a girl that he helped and now can’t get away from? Does he see a girl that doesn’t have any other friends so he feels like he has to do stuff with me when Angela asks him to?
“You got that camera?” he asks, smiling at me.
I hold it up and smile. “I’ve got it.”
“Good,” he says, “let’s go take some pictures and see some animals.”
Kaiden
As I sit and slice my sharp knife through my steak, I realise I’ve probably just had one of the best days of my life. I’ve never laughed so much with another girl as I have today with Serena at the zoo. The way her eyes widened and the little noise she made when she saw the tiger for the first time will stay with me forever. In some ways, it was like walking around with a child who was at the zoo for the very first time, but it also felt like I was seeing those animals for the very first time myself.
I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else whilst we were there; I could just be me. Serena
didn’t even know that, for once in my life, I was being the real Kaiden Matthews. I wasn’t playing the fool or acting out because I knew she’d find it funny. In fact, knowing Serena, she would think I was an idiot if I started to act around her the way I normally do around friends and other girls.
She lets me be exactly who I am and it’s refreshingly easy and natural. I found myself asking
her what she was thinking or how she was feeling. Normally, I never bother to ask someone what
they’re thinking or if they’re bored or happy. She makes me think about things that I’d never
thought about before. It’s a strange feeling and I cringe a little when I think about it, but when I’m with her I feel alive.
“Have you enjoyed yourself today?” I ask.
She puts down her fork and carries on chewing her food. When she swallows, she takes a sip
of her water and nods. “Yes, thank you. I’ve had a really nice day.”
She stabs her fork into another piece of lettuce and looks up at me through her lashes.
“Have you had a nice day?” she asks in return, pushing a piece of hair behind her ear and
staring.
I clear my throat. “I’ve had an amazing day.”
She blinks. “Amazing?”
I try not to laugh. “Yes, it was amazing.”
She shrugs and puts the food into her mouth. I’ve never seen anyone enjoy eating a Caesar
salad as much as Serena seems to be enjoying it. My eyes flick up to a group of guys that have just exited the diner. They stumble around in the sand and as they walk past us, I notice every single one of them glancing at Serena, who is completely oblivious to the attention she gets from other men. I watch one of them nudge another one and then nod towards Serena. I lip read what he says and feel the little fire of anger ignite in my stomach. They need to move away and they need to move away
now. No one, and I mean no one, should ever speak about Serena like that. The last one to come out of the diner bangs into the table. He looks down and blinks several times as Serena and her big green eyes stare back at him. She glances quickly at me before looking back at him.
“Sorry darling,” he slurs.
She shrugs. “It’s okay.”
He smiles at her. It creeps slowly across his face and then I watch his eyes move down her
face and onto the top of her breasts. I stand up.
“Let the lady eat her meal,” I say, glaring at him and daring him to say something back.
He steps back and considers me for a moment before he laughs and walks off to find his
friends. I sit back down and pull my chair through the sand.
“What was all that about?” she asks, looking confused.
I take a deep breath and force a smile onto my face for her. I know she needs to know what
men are like, but I don’t want her to know just how horrible they can be. Not yet.
“He was drunk,” I mumble, “but he still shouldn’t have banged into our table.”
She frowns, which makes her look even more vulnerable than she normally does. “It was an
accident though, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah,” I agree, “but you never know what a drunken person is going to do.”
“What do you mean?” she asks.
I take a sip of my beer and lean back in the chair. How am I supposed to explain this?
“Alcohol does strange things to people’s brains, Serena. When they’re sober, they might be the
nicest person on the planet, but when they’re drunk, they may act like they’re someone else
entirely.”
She blinks as she processes what I’ve just said. “I thought it just made people clumsy and
laugh more than usual?”
I shake my head.
“What are you like when you’re drunk?” she enquires.
I take a breath and turn my head away from her. I notice the deep orange sun that’s just
starting to creep down behind the sea in the distance, making the sky seem almost pink. The sounds of the waves lapping behind me seem to echo the beat of my heart.
“It depends,” I finally say. When I turn to look at her, she doesn’t seem annoyed that I’ve
looked away or taken my time in answering her.
“On what?” she persists.
“On what sort of mood I’m in before I start drinking,” I say, hoping that will be enough of an
explanation for her.
She sips her water but doesn’t take her eyes off me. It’s like she’s reading me. Every little
move I make or every word I utter, she memorises it.
“So, if you’re in a bad mood before you start drinking, you might be in a worse mood when
you’re drunk?”
“Yeah,” I say nodding and wishing I hadn’t bothered to answer her. I hate the fact that she’s
going to find out about me. I know I should probably tell her, but I like the fact that she doesn’t know yet.
“So, what sort of things have you done when you’ve been in a bad mood and then gotten
drunk?” she asks innocently.
I rest my ankle on my knee and fiddle with the cutlery on my empty plate.
“I don’t want to lie to you Serena, but-“
“Then don’t,” she says quickly, interrupting me.
I look up at her and raise my eyebrows.
“Don’t ever lie to me. Please,” she whispers.
I nod. How could I ever lie to her when she pleads with me like that? I know she needs to
trust me because she’s had someone lie to her every single day of her life. I understand, but at the same time I know that being truthful to her isn’t going to do me any favours either. I wanted her to figure me out all on her own and build her own opinion of me. I didn’t want her knowing the bad
things about me before I’ve had a chance to prove myself to her. I take a deep breath.
“I’ve done some bad things, Serena, and a lot of people know about them, which is why a lot
of people don’t like me and think I’m a bad person.”
She takes a deep breath. Her eyes flick behind me to where a couple are walking their dog
across the beach before she looks back to me. “What have you done, Kaiden?”
I can’t believe I’m actually going to tell her this. “Are you sure you want to know?”
She nods once, but I can tell by the look in her eyes that she’s scared. Here goes nothing, I
think. This is where I lose her, even though I guess I never really had her.
“I get angry, Serena. Sometimes, I get so angry that I don’t even know what I’m doing or what
I’m capable of. I just see a red mist and then my body, or rather my fists, just react.”
She swallows loudly. “So, you fight then?”
I nod and take a deep breath. “I fight too much. I’ve hurt people.”
“How badly?”
I remember the time that I saw red when my brother hit me with a baseball ball. I remember
feeling the surge of anger and charging towards him, grabbing the baseball bat out of his hands and striking him with it. I remember going to the hospital and not even feeling sorry. Worst of all, I remember the look on my Mother’s face. I also remember the money I’ve made from my fights and
how I’ve completely destroyed other guys. I remember them all.
“A few of them have been in the hospital. I’ve broken a few noses and jaws.” My eyes refuse
to leave hers, even though I know I’m going to see a look of disappointment in them.
“Have you always been drunk when you’ve hurt people?” she asks.
I shake my head.
“Oh,” she breathes.
I want to tell her that I’m sorry. I want to tell her that they had always hit me first and that my actions were just in self-defence, but I promised her that I wouldn’t lie so I keep my mouth shut.
The waitress chooses this moment to come and clear our table. Serena breaks eye contact
with me to smile and thank her. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see the waitress looking at me. I don’t care if she’s waiting for me to thank her; I need to look at Serena. I need her to know that she has my complete attention. That she can trust me.
After the table is cleared and the waitress has disappeared back through the wooden,
swinging doors, Serena finishes the remains of her water and looks at me expectantly.
“I don’t wanna ever see that,” she says.
I can’t promise her that. If the man who had stumbled into our table ten minutes ago had
spoken to her in a way that I didn’t agree with or goaded me in any way, then I wouldn’t have
thought twice about decking him. “I’ll try.”
After a few minutes of awkward silence, Serena returns to asking me questions. How do you
know what career you want? What if you choose the wrong subjects at school? Where do people
our age go in their spare time? What’s my favourite hobby? I answer all of her questions as honestly as I can and I love that I learn a little bit more about myself as I answer them. I‘ve never sat and considered such simple things before, but being forced to answer questions makes you think about
them. When I suggest a walk down the beach, she jumps up from her seat.
“Can we walk along the shore, please?” she asks, sounding a little childish.
I laugh. “Sure, if that’s what you want.”
She nods and wanders down the beach, removing her flip-flops and carrying them in her
hands as I rush to catch up with her. By the time I’m by her side, she’s already ankle deep in the water.
“It’s cold,” she says, turning towards me.
“Of course it’s cold.”
She shakes her head. “I thought the sun would have warmed it up a bit. The lake we used to
swim in wasn’t this cold.”
The memory of plunging into the freezing water floods through my mind. She either isn’t
remembering it properly, or else I was burning hot before I jumped into it.