“Tell us everything from the beginning, Mel. We’re here for you.” Irene patted Melanie’s shoulder as her mascara ran down her face. After she’d made it to Jude’s she couldn’t find Caleb at all, and she ended up having a couple of drinks and dancing until he found her and took her to his place. She assumed they were staging another intervention. Irene had come over after work the next day, and Caleb had canceled a date to stay there with her. It was a bit embarrassing, but she really needed her friends. She had no idea what to do with herself.
“Andy’s been acting really strange lately, and he kept just telling me it was work stress and it would pass. Considering his line of work, I believed him. Then, I found …. Something in his belongings that shouldn’t be there when he missed breakfast with my mother. I confronted him about it. He admitted to what the real problem was at work and said he hadn’t wanted to worry me. I was upset, but I thought that was it. That he had told me everything. I let it go because he had planned this romantic dinner and asked me to move in you know, officially?”
She stopped for a moment, feeling a sob coming on thinking of how great it should have been, how amazing that night was and how quickly it turned to crap. She looked to her friends, and they nodded her on.
“But when I went to do laundry a bag of cocaine fell out of his pocket. It seemed to explain everything, but I couldn’t believe he didn’t tell me or somebody. But I couldn’t judge him considering my situation. I knew he needed help, so I went to find him and bring him home so I could call someone else from AA to help us. But when I got there he was high and dancing with some girl from the motorcycle club. Even his best friend was doing it with him. I couldn’t handle seeing him that way. It was terrible, like he was a stranger. So, I took off and went to Jude’s hoping I’d find you, Caleb.”
Caleb wrapped his arms around her in a hug, and Irene let her chest rise and fall in a heavy sigh. She could see they were thinking something as they looked to each other. Melanie found herself feeling a little afraid at what they could have in mind. “Honey,” Caleb began with pure sympathy in his eyes. “I know how you feel about him, I really do, and I trust your judgment in men. But as you said, he is not himself like this. He can’t be trusted like this, and you know as well as anyone that an addict cannot be helped until the exact moment they want to be.”
Melanie looked up at Caleb with sad eyes. She was afraid she knew exactly what was coming next. “What are you saying,” she questioned them, stupidly.
“We’re saying you need to get out of there, leave him. It’s not going to do you any favors living with him in this state. He may or may not quit, Melanie, and you don’t need to wait around messing with your own recovery for it. We’ll help you get your stuff out if you just tell us when.”
Melanie swallowed nervously as she thought about what they were saying. Of course, they were right, but was there really no hope? All she could do was keep a place of hope locked in her heart for if and when he decided to snap out of it. “Okay,” she agreed. “He leaves for work again in a few days. We can go get my stuff then, just the things I need right now like my food and clothes. I don’t really want to deal with furniture. I just can’t face him for this. I’m sorry if that makes me a coward.”
Melanie looked up at the two of them for approval, and they both smiled affectionately at her. “You’re not a coward, Melanie, you’re heartbroken and still in love with the one that did the breaking.” Irene rubbed her back again before standing up and grabbing her purse. “Well, I’d love to stay, hon, but I’ve got a date that I really can’t cancel. The new guy is meeting my dad and all.”
“It’s okay, Irene, have fun.” Melanie tried to look happy for her because in truth she was even if she was also a little jealous. Irene was finally getting serious with someone. It was amazing, and there was no way Melanie was going to ruin it. They wave goodbye to each other, and Caleb headed to the kitchen to whip up some dinner. The great thing about staying with Caleb is never wanting for great food.
But as she sat there alone, she thought about what Irene said about being in love with Andy. She found herself thinking that she really hoped that wasn’t the case because she didn’t think she could survive losing him to addiction if she really was in love with him. And if she was in love with him, was he in love with her? Now, she would never know.
***
Melanie felt like a hurricane ripping through the apartment that she and Andy had shared for such a short time. She found herself second guessing her knowledge on when his run was as she ran through the house throwing things in duffel bags and backpacks that Irene and Caleb had helped her scrounge up from all three of their places. It would be enough to hold all of her clothes, her food, and anything small she had brought with her. The chair and the dining room set she had brought would have to stay, along with the toaster oven.
She found herself picturing what would happen if Andy came home while she was there packing everything up. The obvious scenario was a huge blowout fight. They’d break up hating each other, and that was something she couldn’t handle. Anger didn’t have to lead to hate.
Of course, it was also a possibility she’d be embarrassed as he came in high again with some of his gang members. She’d look like a coward for not being able to face the situation.
But what really disturbed her is the thought -- the hope -- that he might barge in there with another bouquet of fresh flowers, totally sober. He would apologize and beg for her back, making promises that he may not be able to keep. He would express feelings of love for her, offer to drop the whole motorcycle gang for her. She would fall to her knees with him, getting lost in all his pretty words and ignore everything he had put her through. Even if that made her happy for a moment, it would end in tragedy when she figured out he didn’t mean it or when he got hurt trying to get out of it.
She sighed and looked around the apartment for a moment, feeling his absence, letting it run through her. It was a feeling she would have to get used to while she played what she hoped was a waiting game for him to return to the Andy she’d met at AA those many months ago.
As she emptied the drawers of the dresser they had shared for a long time, she could feel the sadness envelope her. How was she ever going to walk out the front door knowing she’d never be back?
Melanie had to hurry and get out of there or she was going to lose it. She piled the rest of her clothes into the bag and set it by the door where Caleb was coming up to carry them out to the car. She could hear Irene in the bathroom, finishing up packing up her towels, shampoo, and makeup. So, she moved onto the kitchen throwing everything into a duffel bag haphazardly, probably grabbing more than her fair share of the contents. It was a small thing, but it might actually help her feel better for the moment, a sort of revenge.
“Is that everything, Mel?” Irene popped out of the bathroom carrying a backpack full of toiletries and feminine products.
“Yeah, I think so. Let’s get out of here.” Melanie followed Irene out the door, not bothering to take a last look. She’d already gotten it. They dragged everything out to her car and managed to somehow stuff it all in her trunk and backseat. She had been so sure that she would have to put some in one of their cars to get it home. It was sad the small amount her presence in Andy’s life came down to. “I’ll take it from here guys, thanks!”
“Are you sure?” Caleb asked, clearly concerned. She nodded and climbed in the driver’s seat. She needed to get home and grieve alone. “Okay, call us if you need us!” he called over the sound of her engine starting. She didn’t waste any time peeling out of the parking lot and heading home.
When she got to her apartment, she couldn’t believe how small it seemed compared to Andy’s. She carried up her food and put it away, not worrying about the rest at the moment. She just needed to crawl in bed and let all her emotions go if she was going to get over this.
She pulled out some pajamas she’d left behind, just shorts and a matching shirt, and changed into it. Pulling a journal and a pen from her nightstand, she did exactly what she had planned; crawled into the bed and covered up her lower half. She looked through the journal to find an empty page. She had been journaling for years, but she’d stopped for a couple years and picked it back up again when she started going to Addicts Anonymous.
She put the date at the top of the blank page and began to write down all her feelings about Andy and what he’d done to her by hiding everything that had been going on in his life.
What hurt the most, though, was looking right into his eyes and not recognizing the person I saw there. He was not Andy anymore, and I am not sure how long he hasn’t been Andy. I thought I knew him, and I thought he trusted me. I could have helped him, dragged him to every AA meeting, talked to Rebecca about a way out of the gang. But he didn’t give me a chance.
Tears began to fall freely from her eyes as she wrote those last words. It was too much for her to handle. She thought she’d found something special, but all she got was another addict with a secret life that she didn’t fit into. The pain was too much to bear like she was having a heart attack. Didn’t she hear somewhere that people could die of a broken heart?
Irene had been absolutely right about her unshared feelings for Andy, but it did nothing to comfort her sitting there alone in her dark bedroom spilling her heart onto a piece of paper.
She waltzed right into the kitchen to a small bag that she had brought home from Andy’s without even meaning to. It had a six pack of his favorite beer in it, and it smelled so much like him that Melanie couldn’t stand it. She knew if she just let go she’d feel so much better.
She darted her eyes around as if someone would catch her before grabbing the whole six pack and running back to her bedroom with it. One by one, she popped them open and knocked them back too fast to taste them. She hated beer, but this was her connection to the man she lost. If he could lose himself, so could she trying to find him again.
By bottle number six, she felt herself feeling numb and incredibly tired. It was just as well. It could keep her from going out and buying more alcohol to drown herself in.
She passed out there on her bed with Andy on her mind, him slipping through her many dreams all night long. It was a comfort as she slept and remembered no part of the last terrible week. It was too bad she wouldn’t have her dreams to get her through the day when she woke up. She had a bad habit of forgetting them.
Andy walked in the door to his apartment feeling agitated. He was running late, and that was never a good thing when it involved the Colombians. He’d have to be a speed demon if he was going to make it there on time to not get his balls lopped off by the Colombians or worse.
As he stepped inside his bedroom and sat down on the bed, something felt strange and off. The apartment had an empty feeling. He knew Melanie was probably at work or something, maybe running a little late in the traffic. But it felt like more than that. He couldn’t believe how badly he’d screwed things up with her. He wasn’t sure though if he was angry at himself for doing anything to hurt her in the first place or for being careless enough to get caught. And that scared him.
He was almost out of his stash, anyway, though. So, it would all be over soon, and he could convince her it was all going to be okay form there on out.
He went into the bathroom to splash some water on his face and saw that it looked empty. There was no more loofah hanging over the shower knob, and her leaky shampoo was gone. There was no more pleasant womanly smell.
He rushed to his bedroom like a bat out of hell and started opening all the drawers to find three of them sitting empty. He chased his instincts right into the kitchen where he could see she’d taken half of the food with her.
Melanie was gone, and he didn’t know where to or if he’d get her back. It was like a hole had formed in the center of his chest and stomach. It was the worst possible consequence of his addiction resurfacing. If only he’d explained it to her, if only he’d told the Colombians no and walked away without the money. But there was no changing it now.
He seethed as his anger boiled to its peak. He began running through the house punching the walls and kicking his steel-toed boots into anything his foot could find. His rage caused him to tear up the whole house until he reached the dining room where her dining table still sat there like she’d never left.
He pulled out a chair and plopped down, beginning to sob into his jacket sleeve. He hurt so much, but he had to be ready for the run. He was already so late, and he didn’t have the time or strength to go searching for her or to show up at her house and beg for her forgiveness whenever she came home. For all he knew she was out with another man already.
He reached deep into his pocket to dig out the last two hits of cocaine he had left and decided to just take them both. He had to get over his emotions, and quick, if he was going to make it through this run.
He poured it out onto the table and pulled together a long line. He pulled a rolled up dollar bill from the same pocket he’d held the bane of his existence in just moments before. He sniffed up the evil stuff, willing it to suffer and die. This is what was ruining his life, driving away the woman he cared for so much. It was the enemy, and he was taking it all in until there was none left for him to glare out with hatred.
Andy could feel his nose begin to bleed as his head became lightheaded very quickly. Double the dose meant double the fun, right?
He stood up, clenching his fists and made himself head out the door and hop on his bike. He revved the engine, feeling fully alive. Oh, what Melanie was missing. He bet all the women he passed would look at him and beg to sink their teeth in, and they could since she had walked out the door.
He cackled to himself, not bothering with a helmet, as he sped out onto the street, headed to meet his team at the warehouse. This time he was taking ten of them for a huge shipment; a huge payout. He felt all his troubles melting away at the thought. This was truly the life for him, always exciting, always an adventure. He’d have to show Melanie when he got back how much fun it could be together. She’d change her mind in a heartbeat.
He smiled and waved as he pulled up in front of the ten people who were coming with him. Zoey and her brother took up the rear with Charmaine and Rebecca dead center. Frank proudly pulled up by Andy’s side with a sly grin. “You’re looking good, buddy. I guess you and Mel worked it all out?”
Andy ignored the question and asked one of his own. “Everyone ready?” Frank nodded and gave everyone the thumbs up. “Got your protection?” Frank flashed the shiny gun inside of his jacket which prompted three others to do the same. Half of them had guns this time, and something in Andy’s insides felt a rush at the thought. Would they finally be challenged?
The cocaine was spreading through his body, making him crave a thrill, making him feel like he could and would do anything. He puffed his chest up like the leader he was and called out to his team. “Let’s do the damn thing!” Ten engines revved at once and they took off two or three at a time headed on their usual route down through Mexico.
Andy let himself feel the speed as the wind whipped his hair back. They all let out a howl behind him as they entered the highway ramp, scattering and weaving in and out of traffic.
After about eight hours of driving, Andy watched as much of his team began exiting at various highway exits, pulling off onto the side of the road near an open lot. The cocaine had long since worn off, and he was not in the best of moods. His head was pounding, and his nose kept running. He also felt a bit pissed off at the world for dealing him such a shitty hand. Who the hell was dictating his life? Whoever it was needed a swift kick in the nuts for placing cocaine anywhere near him or even a motorcycle for that matter.
Andy pulled off at the next exit, knowing full well that it was a necessary stop in their journey. But he couldn’t help feeling the need that they should keep going. Not only was he not in the mood to face Colombian style wrath when they got there late, but he also felt an annoyance at the human condition in general. They always had to be interrupted by necessities.
He spotted Frank and Rebecca kissing by their bikes which made him feel even worse. He pulled up next to them, glaring into Frank. Frank pulled away from Rebecca quickly and nodded his head towards the field. “I gotta take a piss, buddy. I bet you do too. C’mon so we can get this circus back on the road.” Frank never was good at jokes or puns, and this was no exception.
Andy shook his head as he followed Frank out into the middle of the empty lot. Weeds had been allowed to grow. No one had owned the land in a while apparently. Certainly no one would want it now that it was overgrown and full of the piss of a motorcycle gang.
Andy unzipped and pulled himself out of his jeans so he could take a leak real quick. As he looked around he could see that many were starting to do the same. At least they were all in a hurry, or at least most of them. Zipping back up and turning around he saw some pulling out their stash of whatever drugs they’d brought with them. Zoey’s brother was rubbing himself all over one of the girls that had just joined. It was like a bunch of teenagers on a field trip.
He jumped at the touch of a hand on his shoulder right at that moment. He turned around to see Zoey yet again. She was always popping up at the worst times. His hatred for himself easily transferred to her as she stood there circling him like a vulture. She had provided the drugs. She had constantly been all over him while they did the drugs together. No wonder Melanie had left him. Zoey made it look like less of a slip and more like cheating.
He ignored her and walked back to the edge of the empty lot. “Everyone, hurry up and piss and get the fuck back on your bikes! No more shitting around!” Andy called out, making his orders final by climbing onto his own bike and starting the engine. He was leaving in five minutes with or without them.
***
Andy felt the adrenaline running through him as two old beat up cars chased them on the road. They had almost made it out of Mexico, but here was another drug cartel looking to take some of their cargo. “Defensive strategy, everyone. Pair up with someone who has a weapon and stay next to a truck,” Andy ordered over the radio.
He pulled out his gun from his jacket, hanging onto the motorcycle with one hand. He fell back a bit so that he could cruise next to the truck in front, but it also put him within closer range of one of the cars who was coming up on his tail.
It was amazing how lawless it was near the border, even as much security as America said would be there. No one was really concerned that there were a bunch of people with guns shooting each other while driving on the road. Local police really needed to get it together, though it wouldn’t have surprised him to find that many cops were involved with the cartels.
A shot barely missed his head, and he threw his arm behind him and aimed at the windshield. The car swerved and fell back. It looked like it was going around to the other side of the truck. Andy knew that meant bad news because they’d be headed for the passenger side of the truck. They’d try to jump out and break in. Hopefully, they weren’t that well balanced and they would just fall out onto the concrete and eat their own tires.
“How’s everyone doing back there?” He needed to check in with his team before he asked for help. He didn’t want to leave cargo undefended. If they let anything get taken there would be hell to pay for sure.
“They’re going for one of the trucks, trying to climb on it. There’s the car up there with you and then one more.” Rebecca was the one to answer. Two cars meant he could take them even if there were four or five in each car.
“Okay, I want five of us on each. These guys are doing the same thing and I need backup.”
“Roger,” said a choir of voices at once, and sure enough, he saw Rebecca and Zoey headed up the lane behind the car. Frank was still riding behind the truck, and he signaled for Mitchell, another one of the older members, to take his side.
He could hear shots ringing out on the other side of the truck of merch he was riding next to, so he sped up to keep even with the driver and see what was happening. He could tell that the driver had been wounded which really scared him. His arm was bleeding, but at least he still had one arm to drive and his leg.
He could see the Mexican man from the cartel hanging off of the passenger side of the eighteen wheeler. But by the way he kept moving, Andy could tell that the others were either aiming at him or trying to knock him down. The guy’s gun shot off as he lost control of it, almost slipping off the truck. The bullet hit the driver right in the shoulder, causing the eighteen wheeler to swerve and almost hit Andy. Things were about to get really bad.
The guy jumped down back into the car, and it drove off, the other vehicle speeding past Andy’s left. They were getting the heck out of dodge which wasn’t good news as they approached the border. The driver was losing blood and strength. His face looked gaunt with pain and blood loss. That’s when he saw Zoey swing her way into the vehicle. She had abandoned her bike and jumped off of Rebecca’s. He’d owe her a new bike for sure after the save. She must have been an acrobat in another life.
He waved a thanks to her as she ordered the driver to let her take over and duck into the back to clean up. She slowed down and tugged her gloves off and rubbed her makeup off. She was starting to look more the part a little. Hopefully, she wouldn’t cause too much suspicion. Andy prepared to go through his usual sure ticket in as he let out a breath he’d been holding. He’d definitely gotten the action he had been looking for.