Jason grinned. “That’s one way of putting it, but it’s more than just his looks. He’s kind of goofy. I mean, who thinks hosing off is a good idea? But I like that about him. William showed up at the pool one time wearing those inflatable armbands for kids and kept them on the whole hour, like it was completely normal. It’s wild. He has his whole future planned out, but he can still act completely child-like.”
“I can see the appeal of that,” Ben said carefully.
Somehow, Jason didn’t think he was referring to Tim.
He could hear William in the living room chatting with Marcello, which made him tense. Maybe because Marcello knew things about William that the rest of them didn’t. Jason thanked Ben, grabbed the backpack, and asked William to join him outside. Tim had already rolled his bike out of the garage, loaning Jason wheels yet again, so they were ready to go.
The route to St. Edwards Park wasn’t long, and they took it at a leisurely pace. William kept pulling up alongside Jason and pestering him about the contents of the backpack.
“What’s in there? Some kind of salad?”
“Maybe,” Jason replied.
“Tuna salad?”
“Nope.”
“Hmmm. Egg salad?”
“Uh-uh.”
“Must be potato salad,” William said with a grin. “Did you make it yourself?”
“Depends on if you like it or not,” Jason said. “If you do, then I made it.”
“Is that a lie?” William asked, but he shot Jason a wink.
“Oh yeah, honesty,” Jason said. “In that case, even if you don’t like it, I still made it.”
“Lucky for you I’m starving.”
William spotted the park entrance and pedaled ahead. Jason had expected mowed lawns, playgrounds, a man-made lake, and maybe a patch of sand with a volleyball net. Instead he saw a dingy parking lot, a trail map carved and painted into a wooden sign, and an overflowing trashcan. That was all.
“This is excellent!” William said, and not sarcastically. He pulled his bike up to the trail map and studied it. “Let’s find somewhere along the water to picnic.”
“Lead the way,” Jason said. They remained on their bikes, heading south. Once they were away from the parking lot, the environment improved considerably. They passed thick clusters of trees, leaves still waxy and fresh from spring’s renewal. Then came grassy fields that Jason thought perfect for a picnic, but William didn’t stop there. When he saw the water, he was glad they had ventured farther. The map had promised them a simple creek, one that widened temporarily in the middle, but it was surprisingly scenic. And more comfortable. Here the air was damp and cool, countering the day’s heat. The path soon petered out, forcing them to walk along the water while pushing their bikes.
“Looks like a dam up ahead,” William said. “A nice little waterfall too. We better not get too close or our voices will be drowned out by the roar.”
He was kidding, since the water spilling over a rocky shelf was too tame to be loud, but it was pretty enough to look at. They chose this spot despite the hard ground, but the blankets Ben had packed would help.
“I’ve got one too,” William said, opening his backpack. “We can double up.”
They kept shooting glances at each other as they set up the picnic. Jason fantasized for a moment that they were making a bed together after having slept in each other’s arms. The idea of something so simple, so domestic, made his chest ache. To share a bed with someone. Not in the sexual way, but to own it together, to lie down next to someone, night after night.
“You okay?” William asked.
“Yeah,” Jason said. “Just a little hungry.”
“Me too. Let’s see what you’ve got.”
William had already guessed it all but still acted excited when Jason heaped portions of potato salad onto two paper plates.
“It’s heavy on the mayo,” Jason said.
“Perfect.” William shoved a plastic forkful into his mouth and swallowed without much chewing. “The great thing about exercising so much is all the calories that get burned. I get to eat like a pig. Speaking of which, my mom made cookies.”
William nudged a Tupperware container toward him. Jason opened it. Inside were a dozen peanut butter cookies, a crisscross pattern on the surface of each created by a fork pressing against the dough. He had a vague memory of his mother using the same method.
“These look awesome,” Jason said, mouth watering.
“She made them especially for you.”
“Really? She knows about me?”
“Mm-hm.” William chewed and swallowed. “She kept asking if this was a date.”
Jason didn’t hide his puzzlement. “Doesn’t she know about Kelly?”
“She knows all right! That’s why she’s hopeful that I’m moving on.” William’s expression was exasperated. “Kelly and my mom don’t see eye to eye. They never have.”
“Oh.” Jason snacked on one of the cookies thoughtfully. “So…
is
this a date?”
William’s face lit up, and he seemed about to say something, but then he shook his head and shoveled in more food. Jason watched the pile on the plate disappear like water evaporating off a hot stone. He took a few more bites himself, but didn’t feel much like eating anymore. When William was done—for the time being, at least—Jason handed him a bottle of water and opened one of his own.
“This is probably none of my business,” he said. “But do you and Kelly get along?”
“No,” William said instantly. He took a swig of water, eyes locked with Jason’s as he drank. “He probably feels otherwise, but then Kelly likes to argue.”
Jason didn’t know what to say, besides the obvious: Asking why they were still together seemed too direct, too aggressive. Then again, all was fair in love and war, especially when they shared the same battlefield. “The other night, when we all went out together… You told me that you love Kelly but for the wrong reasons.”
William shook his head. “I said there’s only one reason I’m with him.”
“You don’t love him?”
William pulled up his legs, studied the place where hard dirt met the soft blanket. “I like that you like me. I really do, and I hope it’s obvious that you’re not alone in your feelings.”
Jason’s heart thudded in his chest. “I wasn’t sure—”
“You don’t know me,” William interrupted. Then he sighed. “I mean you do. This is the real me, but there are things you don’t know, and if you did, I don’t think you’d like me so much anymore.”
“Try me,” Jason said.
“You never ask about Kelly’s leg. Why is that?”
Already fearing the implications, Jason’s stomach sank. “I figured it was the sort of thing everyone asks about. That must get old. Besides, I don’t want to feel sorry for him.”
William looked puzzled. “Why not?”
Jason shrugged. “I guess because I wouldn’t want people to feel sorry for me.”
William huffed. “I don’t think that’s how Kelly feels at all.”
“Sorry, I just—”
“No,” William said quickly. “It’s a good thing. You both have pride, but I don’t think Kelly has dignity. Not anymore. Maybe that’s why he’s still punishing me, because I stole that from him. It’s my fault Kelly lost his leg.”
Jason struggled to find a response. “What do you mean?”
“We were arguing. We were always arguing back then. The first year we were together was good, but things kept deteriorating. Maybe we’re both too competitive or… I don’t know. But it reached a point where spending time with Kelly made me more unhappy than anything. And angry, because Kelly has a wicked tongue, and he’s always known exactly what to say to hurt me. We were in the car—I was driving—and I wanted him to shut up. And I wanted to scare him, so I jerked the wheel and slammed on the brakes. I figured we’d end up parked on the side of the road, but the rain was pouring down and we ended up spinning. The vehicle behind us, a pickup, slammed into Kelly’s side of the car and— ” William swallowed and shook his head, unable to continue.
“You didn’t mean to,” Jason said.
“I told you I wanted to scare him,” William said, voice terse. “I could have calmly pulled over and told him he was walking home. Instead I put him in the ICU.
That’s
the kind of person I am. That’s who you think you have feelings for, but I bet you’re not so certain now.”
Jason didn’t respond. William wouldn’t believe him even if he said otherwise, so he picked at the edge of a paper plate, searching for words that would help and coming up empty. “So what happened next?”
William looked surprised.
“I want to know everything,” Jason said. “Tell it all to me. Then I’ll decide how I feel.”
After a moment, William nodded as if this made sense. “His recovery was difficult. I felt horrible, but I stayed by his side. His parents hated me and still do, so they glared at me every time I showed up at the hospital, or they said horrible things that matched how I felt inside. Only Kelly was glad to see me, kept insisting I be there, and I was happy to be since it was the only way I could make up for what I’d done. These days I wonder if it was the painkillers. I know that sounds mean, but later things changed so much. When Kelly was home again, when he was weaned off the drugs and reality set in, that’s when he became bitter. I don’t blame him. His dream was to run in the Olympics. He was good—really good—so maybe he would have. He still acted like he needed me, kept saying that I made him happy, but I don’t see it. All this time later and all I do is make him miserable, but he still wants me around.”
“Do you love him?” Jason asked.
The question pained William. That much was obvious from his expression. His brow was knotted when he answered. “That argument in the car? I was breaking up with him. I didn’t want to be with him anymore. If the accident hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be.”
“But you feel obligated,” Jason said. “That’s why you’re still with him.”
William’s features were grim. “Please don’t tell him that. I would hate for him to know. It would kill me to do him any more harm than I already have. So I won’t leave him. Ever. I promised him as much when he was in the ICU, and even though he was jacked up to hell, he smiled. It’s horrible, but now I wish I hadn’t made that promise. Then again, it’s the least I can do, considering all I’ve taken away from him. I can’t expect him to forgive me, and I don’t blame him for hurting me back in the little ways he does. But I wish he’d stop punishing himself.”
Jason shook his head, trying to keep up. “How does he punish himself?”
“You asked if he could still swim? He won’t even attempt it. Or run. There are prosthetics he could try. His family has money and can afford it, but he won’t even go in for a consultation. I showed him this video online of an athlete missing a leg above the knee, just like him, and the guy still competes professionally. Kelly wouldn’t even talk about it. He just looked at me like I was being ridiculous. He could be walking without the use of crutches. Did you know that?”
“You’re upset.”
“Well, yeah! It’s one thing if he wants to make me miserable. Fine. I deserve it. But I still want him to have the best life possible! Why wouldn’t I be upset?”
Jason took a deep breath. “I mean that you being upset is good. Yeah, you screwed up and something horrible happened, but you obviously never wanted it to. You still care for Kelly, and you still want him to be happy because you’re a good person. Do you really think me knowing all this is going to interfere with how I feel about you?”
William didn’t look relieved by this. Instead he stood and walked toward the waterfall, stopping halfway to lean against a tree. Jason gave him his space, distracted himself by rearranging their picnic gear without actually accomplishing anything. Then he rose and walked to join him.
“I want to be with you,” William said without turning to face him. “You have no idea how bad I want to just… do the things we should be able to do. Even something small, like holding your hand. But now you know everything. You know it’s impossible. Or would you really ask me to turn my back on Kelly and hurt him all over again?”
Doing so would hurt William, make him feel guilty and horrible and ready for anything but Jason’s affection. “Maybe we don’t need to touch,” Jason said. “Love is more than holding hands or kissing or sex. It’s more than just the physical, right? If that’s what this is, maybe we don’t need those things.”
William turned to him, and that’s all it took to show Jason he was wrong. He wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him or simply feel their bodies pressing together. He knew that urge would never leave. They stood facing each other, unable to act, and Jason felt like crying or screaming or both. They had to find a way out of this.
The thing was, Jason had been here before. He kept finding these incredible guys, but he was always too late. He shouldn’t be surprised, since why would someone like William or Caesar be single? And later, when trying to keep his distance from Caesar hadn’t worked, he had made his move and pushed Caesar to be with him. Even without the disastrous morning when Peter had caught them, it wouldn’t have worked. In the end, Caesar had still chosen Nathaniel.
“What are we going to do?” William asked.
Jason hesitated. “If I wasn’t such an honest man these days, I’d suggest you stay in your loveless relationship with Kelly while secretly going elsewhere for what you really need.”
“An affair?” William looked amused by the idea, which was progress. “No. You’re too good to be the other woman. I won’t do that to you.”
“My feelings don’t really hinge on you being so noble,” Jason tried.
“There’s got to be a better way.”
There was, and he felt William already knew the answer. No matter what promises he had made, no matter how much Kelly thought he needed William, they were better off separate. But Jason wouldn’t be the person to push William to make that decision, mostly because pushing Caesar hadn’t helped. Besides, William had finally confided in him, and asking him to change his entire life wouldn’t encourage him to remain open.
Jason decided to retreat. For now. “A picnic is a failure if any food is left over,” he said. “Did you know that?”
“No,” William said, “but I’m relieved, because I’m still starving.”
Once they had decimated the potato salad, chips, and cookies, they got back on their bikes and explored the park. A few places could be reached only by foot, and at those locations they would leave their bikes leaning against each other, like the lovers they couldn’t be. William showed off by climbing a tree, and Jason proved how cool he was with everything by not mentioning Kelly again. Later they shook out their picnic blankets over an empty field, lying on them side by side and soaking up the sun. When they grew tired of slapping bugs on their necks and picking brambles out of their shoelaces, they returned to Jason’s home.