BELLA
Dear Journal,
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Last night, I found my thoughts slipping, turning and tossing, going in a direction they have no business going in. God, I ask for your forgiveness.
I ask that you be with me when I have lustful thoughts. I think I've become consumed with sex. I think about it often and want it even more. I'm human and I have needs. Thankfully, I can control those needs.
Living by fleshly desires is a thing of my past, something I've left alone and behind.
But I have to be honest, God, or keep it real, as the young folks say. I miss sex, I miss companionship and I miss having a body laying next to mine. It seems as thought my libido is working overtime.
Right now, my hormones are out of whack and the only thing I can do about it, the only thing I can do to stop the urge is masturbate.
Why?
Because prayer alone simply ain't working.
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Love and Peace, Bella
B
ella finished writing in her journal, the one she carried with her when she needed to vent. She put it in her purse, placed it in her desk, and locked it.
Bella wasn't paranoid nor was she a fool. She kept her desk locked at all times, not only because her journal was in it, but the sermons that she was working on and notes on the members of her congregation that came to her for counseling were kept in there as well.
She did this because prior to someone coming to their counseling session, she liked to review her notes that had important details on them. Things her congregation would only tell her. It still surprised Bella some of the things people would confess or reveal to her. It was almost like they were asking for her forgiveness.
She could understand it, though, because when you tell someone your dirt, when you have a secret to reveal or when you've been keeping something inside that has you so ashamed, you always feel better once you get it out in the open, even if in the open is to another person. She wasn't just talking about telling God in prayer, either.
Of course, that's the first person she would tell someone who was sitting in front of her to do,
tell it to God and he'll help you work it out
. It's just that she understood the wanting to talk to a physical person, someone in the flesh, a therapist or something.
But people didn't want to go to a therapist, they instead wanted to come to her, and being a minister, she didn't turn them away. Instead she listened, prayed, and never judged.
It didn't take long for the word to get out that Pastor Bella accepted all, that she made herself available to the commonest of man. It also helped that the location of her church was perfect. When she first started looking for a location, she was growing frustrated because no place spoke to her soul or her pocket.
Bella wasn't assigned to a church like most ministers were, she was starting her church from scratch and would be renting the space in which to house it.
Her initial plan was reach out to the homeless, the addicts, and the prostitutes. She wanted them to know there was a way out of their current situation.
One morning she was taking a walk along the beach, when she saw a storefront and an older couple that was putting up a going out of business sign. Not able to believe her luck and hoping that God was on her side, she walked across the street to inquire.
They allowed her to look around inside and she saw potential. She saw what she could build through God's eyes. She would definitely need him to make it work. There was also land in the back where she could add onto the building if she so chose.
God was by her side, because initially, the owners of the space were going to put the building up for sale, but after speaking with them and telling them her plan, they decided to rent the space to her for an unbelievably low amount. They also agreed to allow her to rent with an option to buy.
Bella had money saved up and was expecting grant money to come in for her start-up. How she was going to get a congregation remained to be seen, but she believed if she could change her life completely, then she could do anything.
She used grant money she received and hired contractors to come in, knock down walls, and put up a podium, among other things. Her church was starting to take form.
She opened in the summer and because out of towners frequented the beach, they would stop in to hear a sermon. Locals being curious would stop in as well. It wasn't long before the church ended up taking a life of its own.
Bella couldn't believe what was happening to her, she never thought that life could be this good. She never thought that she would be the one making a difference. When she thought about her past life and present life, all Bella could do was be thankful, grateful, and full of appreciation. Yet and still she wasn't content, when she should have been ecstatic.
Bella was living a second life, she was being given a second chance. Hooker to heaven, working the streets to working the pulpit wasn't anything but a miracle.
God saved her and she chose to spread the word about him because if he could save her and pull her out of the depths of an everyday hell, he could do it for anyone.
Bella knew that most people, at least once in their life, have had an all-time low, a rock-bottom moment, a moment when they had to make a decision that could move their life forward, keep it stuck, or knock it down a notch. Hers came later than she would have liked, but she was thankful when it did and thankful that it came at all, because had it not, she would not be alive.
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Bella sold her body in order to survive as a teenager. She didn't stand on the corners but the man she thought was her boyfriend later became her pimp. It was an age-old story.
Leon, at one time was her knight in shining armor or so she thought, but he quickly went from being her light to her darkness. He was nothing but evil.
Bella recalled one night when she was exhausted and just did not have the energy to meet with a “client.”
Bella told Leon she wasn't feeling well.
“Well or not, you're fucking going out to make my money.”
It seemed like the words
my money
echoed over and over in her ears because that's just what she was doing: making “his money;” money that went into his pocket.
He did buy her clothes, shoes, jewelry, and food but she sometimes had to beg for those things. She rarely had money of her own to carry around, yet Leon's pocket was always full, always fat.
She was growing tired of the whole thing. She was tired of depending on him. She was tired of fucking for him and she was tired of taking orders from him.
“I'm not going,” she told him, unsure of how he would react but willing to take whatever he was going to give out.
Leon looked at her like she'd lost her mind. “Excuse me, what the fuck did you say?”
“I said, I'm not going.” The fear of these words was reflected on her face and in her tone, but she was not going to back down.
Bella expected for them to argue back and forth. She didn't expect for him to haul off and hit her. He punched her over and over with his fist.
Just when Bella thought he was done he took off his belt and beat her some more, like she was a child. The whole time he was beating her, he was careful not to touch her face.
When he finally grew tired of the physical beat down, Leon stood over Bella, who was balled up on the floor in tears.
“Now go get your ass in the tub, soak for a little while, put on something sexy, and go do what I said. This is a new client, a high roller. He's got a lot of fucking money. Treat him right and fuck him in the dark so he won't see your bruises. I'm running out, I'll be back in an hour, you should be dressed by then,” and he walked out the door.
Bella stayed on the floor for about ten minutes after Leon left, trying to get herself together. Leon told her that this new client had a ton of money and knowing him, that meant he was probably charging this new client a few hundred bucks for the night.
Bella put it in her mind that she was going to take the money and run. As a matter of fact, she was going to take all Leon's money and run. She knew where he kept his stash. He didn't know she knew, but she did.
How was she going to do it without getting caught and without getting her ass kicked or killed, she didn't know, but she would figure it out.
Bella half-walked and half-limped to the bathroom to run herself a quick bath.
How dare that motherfucker beat me like I'm a child
, she thought to herself as she started to cry again.
Bella took some Epsom salt and lavender oil from beneath the sink and poured it in the tub. She hoped that it would relax her and soothe the bruises.
Bella stepped out of her clothes but not before going into the kitchen and pulling out a bottle of wine.
Once in the tub, she lay back, closed her eyes, and let the lavender and Epsom salt take over. Every now and then she would open her eyes and take a swig from the wine bottle.
When the water started turning cold, Bella climbed out the tub and rubbed her body down with some baby oil.
While in the tub, she developed a plan to get Leon's money and get him fucked up. This would be done without her being killed.
All she had to get was in touch with Rock and Ramsey, two thugs she purchased ecstasy and cocaine from and make a deal.
They were straight hustlers. If something financial was in it for them they were bound to help out. After all, Ramsey and Rock loved the dollar more than the average man and she would be willing to split it three ways with them.
By the time Bella finished dressing, Leon had returned. “God, you look good,” he had the audacity to tell her.
Bella ignored him.
“So you're ignoring me now?” He walked in front of her so that they were facing one another.
Bella refused to look at him. Instead she looked down at the floor. She saw his hands reaching into his pocket.
Bella followed his hands as she thought to herself,
this is the bullshit he always does, makes me feel like shit and then goes out to buy me something like that is going to make it all better
.
Sometimes it did, but this time she wouldn't allow it because she was more than physically hurt.
Yet, when he handed her the box, she found herself taking it and promising herself that after this, she would never take another thing from Leon, and by
never
she meant physically, mentally, and verbally.
“Mr. Black is going to send a car for you in a half an hour, do whatever he tells you to do and I'll see you tomorrow.”
“I take it you've already gotten paid,” Bella remarked.
Leon didn't feel the need to respond, which Bella took as a yes.
“I'm going to run downstairs and get me a snack,” Bella told him.
Leon waved her away. “Go ahead and make it snappy.”
Bella couldn't get out the condo fast enough. She wasn't going for a snack. She was really going downstairs to look for Rock and Ramsey. She hoped they were in the neighborhood.
It's as if all the planets were in alignment because she didn't have to look too hard. When she entered the convenience store, there Ramsey stood, looking like the fine thug he was.
Bella and Ramsey had a brief affair a short while back. Truth be told, they almost fell in love with one another. No one knew about it, it was their secret. Eventually, they ended it because they both knew it wasn't going anywhere. The line of work she was in and the line of work he was in wouldn't allow it.
Bella walked up to him and asked in a whisper, “You got a minute?”
Ramsey whispered back, “Why are you whispering?”
Nervous, Bella looked around and told him, “I need to speak with you about something, something important.”
“What's up,” Ramsey asked. “You need a package on credit or something, because you know I don't do that credit shit for anyone.”
“Nah, I've got a proposition for you and Rock, a proposition that will make you a large sum of money.”
Ramsey raised his eyebrows. “Let's take it outside.”
“I can't right now, but tomorrow, come up to the condo around midnight. I promise you, it'll be worth it.”
She had his curiosity. “How worth it?”
“There's over ten thousand dollars in it for you.”
When he heard that, Ramsey said, “let's talk about it right now, then.”
“I can't, Leon is upstairs waiting for me and I have a date.”
“I will be there at midnight, tomorrow.”
“Good.” Bella turned to leave but Ramsey grabbed her arm.
“Yes?” she asked as she looked him in the eye.
“Don't be playing me.”
Bella knew that Ramsey didn't take kindly to being played, so she reassured him and placed one of her hands on top of his. “I'm not.”
He let her go and she went back upstairs.
When Bella walked through the door, Leon looked at her hands, which didn't have a thing in them. “Where's your snack?”
“I changed my mind,” Bella told him and went into her room, where she closed the door behind her.
She sat on the edge of the bed and thought about her plan. Once completed, she was out of here and she was not going to look back. Bella looked around the room, stood up walked over to the closet, and looked at her wardrobe. There were only a few items she wanted to take with her, most of what she possessed, she felt, was paid for with her blood.
He can give this shit to another one of his hoes.