Authors: Janine A. Morris
She's No Angel (6 page)
Chapter 9
T
he street was filled with parents and their kids, or maybe that's all Charlene seemed to notice. A small girl was walking alongside her mother and as she moved forward she danced. She was dancing to a tune inside her own head because no one else could hear it. She was about three years old, all of her hair was brushed into two pigtails and you could tell her mom, like a lot of black mothers, gave her the Vaseline face for moisturizer. The little girl was dressed in a beige jumper-style dress with some black Mary Jane shoes and was having herself a good old time making her way down Yonkers Avenue. Charlene was following right behind her on her way to the corner deli for a sandwich.
he street was filled with parents and their kids, or maybe that's all Charlene seemed to notice. A small girl was walking alongside her mother and as she moved forward she danced. She was dancing to a tune inside her own head because no one else could hear it. She was about three years old, all of her hair was brushed into two pigtails and you could tell her mom, like a lot of black mothers, gave her the Vaseline face for moisturizer. The little girl was dressed in a beige jumper-style dress with some black Mary Jane shoes and was having herself a good old time making her way down Yonkers Avenue. Charlene was following right behind her on her way to the corner deli for a sandwich.
She had about thirty minutes left on her lunch break; she had stopped by Pay Half to buy a few shirts before she picked up her meal. Usually she stayed inside for lunch, checking her MySpace page, and more lately, checking wedding Web sites. However, today she wanted to go outside for a little bit, add a little excitement to her week. She was happy that she chose to, because the sight of this adorable little girl filled with so much joy immediately jumped right into Charlene and left her feeling just as joyous. The little girl caught Charlene's eye at one point and Charlene gave her a big smile, and the little girl smiled right back.
Unfortunately Charlene had to stop walking behind her dose of joy to go where she was headed to begin with. She went inside the deli and walked up to the counter. She was familiar with the clerk.
“Hey, sweetie,” he said to her as soon as she approached.
“Hey, Jose,” she said back.
“What can I get you today?”
“I'll take honey turkey on a roll, with cheese, lettuceâ” she replied.
Before she could finish, there was an interruption. “And mayo with a little salt and pepper.”
She looked over her shoulder, and there was Rich looking absolutely fine as hell, if she did say so herself. He was dressed in a cream Polo button-up, dark blue jeans and cream and tan Timberlands. He had a fresh cut, and his light complexion was just glowing. His light eyes were just piercing down at Charlene, and for a quick moment she was speechless. He gave her one of his electrifying grins as soon as she turned to see who the familiar voice belonged to.
“Hey, Rich,” she said, grinning from ear to ear.
Before he could reply, Jose interrupted. “So, lettuce, cheese, mayo, salt and pepper?”
“Yes, Jose, I'm sorry,” she said as she quickly turned to him and then back to Rich.
The gorgeous, just-caused-a-huge-argument-between-her-and-her-fiancé Rich. Looking in his face, she knew he was worth the trouble. Although Charlene had only been with Rich on and off, they were some of the most magical times in her life. Early on he didn't know much about her, but that didn't last long. Mount Vernon wasn't a big town, everybody knew somebody that knew everybody. So it wasn't long before somebody who knew everybody knew Rich. Rich slowly began treating Charlene different from the way other guys did. But after a while it went from great to Rich feeling like maybe they should “slow things down.” That was pretty much when their relationship lost any potential, but Charlene took what she could get. Eventually it got worse, but they never stopped communicating. They had seen each other and spoken on the phone on occasion since then, but they hadn't been physical in some time. There was one time after she first got with Isaac, that she had had a run-in with Rich and she slipped up and slept with him. She just couldn't resist his smile and swagger. He had that magnetism they say Billie Dee Williams has. Charlene knew Rich definitely had something. Luckily, she felt so bad on that one occasion that she refrained from any other run-ins.
However, here she was running in to him again. The chances weren't that unlikely, because White Plains, where Rich lived, and Mount Vernon both had only so many businesses and things to do. It was just ironic that it was so soon after the answering machine incident.
“Where are you coming from?” she asked him.
“I was at a meeting on Central Avenue.”
“Dressed like that?”
“It was just something informal, nothing big.”
“Oh, OK. Well, I'm on my lunch break, about to head back in a few.”
“How much longer you got?”
“About twenty-five minutes probably.”
“OK, I'll drive you back.”
Her initial thought was to say sure, but then she worried about what it would look like if someone saw them together. She knew that as a newly engaged woman, it wasn't going to look good for her to be seen on her lunch break sharing a car with a guy she used to share a bed with. Who would believe that they had just bumped into each other? Isaac especially wouldn't, not after he had
just
heard that message and found out that they had never broke contact completely.
just
heard that message and found out that they had never broke contact completely.
“No, it's OK. I'll walk back, it's not that far,” she spit out.
“It's at least eight blocks, and it is windy out there ... It's nothing for me. I'm going back that way, anyway.”
Charlene wasn't sure how she could turn down his offer, especially when it seemed so logical and she seemed so silly to say she'd rather walk back. She wasn't sure if Rich could read what the real reason was and didn't care, or if he really was sincere.
“OK, let me just grab a drink and we can go.”
She walked to the coolers in the back of the deli, picked up a cold Lipton Green Tea and headed to the counter. She thought about the odds of her being seen with Rich, and she decided it would be almost impossible for it to get back to Isaac. It was less than a five-minute drive, it really wasn't that big of a deal. By the time she finished paying for her lunch, she hadn't thought of another excuse to turn down his offer, and so she headed out the door with him to his car.
A 2007 S-Class beeped and the lights blinked on and off. She looked over at Rich and he was the one aiming a remote at that beautiful car, parked a few feet from the store entrance. She had no idea he had gotten a new car, or that he had stepped it up quite so nicely. She was happy to see it, though, not just because it was a nice car but because it had very dark tints and now she wasn't as worried about being seen with him.
He pulled out and without saying a word began driving down the street. Charlene was happy to see Rich, and although nervous, she enjoyed being in his presence even if only for a moment. Rich was one of the good catches from around her way. He was one of the guys who made the girls in her old neighborhood jealous that she had him, too. He and everyone else knew he was fine, and he was always looking and acting like fresh money. Even if she did have a chance to get Rich to settle down with her, and hadn't wanted Isaac anymore, there was still that one issue: that with Rich came her past. And that wasn't a package deal she was willing to accept.
After a few moments down the road, he started talking about a mutual friend that had just got out of jail and how he was doing. She pretended to be very interested, even though she only cared slightly. It seemed that he didn't realize how detached she was from that world, or at least how she tried to be. She was constantly trying to mentally block out those days of her life when she had no control and very little class. So she sat there listening to Rich, and saying very little in return, waiting for the car to stop in front of her office building. Although Charlene knew that her life was better now than it had been in quite some time, she also knew that there were pros and cons to both lifestyles. She definitely knew that a life with no expectations and no secrets to bury was a lot easier than the life she was leading now. She couldn't deny that her old ways tempted her from time to time to live in the moment, and Rich with his fine self wasn't helping right now. Luckily, before she could act or think about any of the temptations, she was getting out of his car heading back to work.
The good-bye was simple and quick. His smile and wink were torturous.
Chapter 10
T
hey had only been engaged a few weeks, and already there seemed to be this unspoken tension. Charlene had been distancing herself, fearing her guilt was written all over her face. She wasn't sure what his issue was exactly, but he seemed to have a chip on his shoulder since the answering machine message situation, and she thought it was going on too long. They were back in their usual routine, but he seemed to be a little less talkative, and less enthused about their new engagement.
hey had only been engaged a few weeks, and already there seemed to be this unspoken tension. Charlene had been distancing herself, fearing her guilt was written all over her face. She wasn't sure what his issue was exactly, but he seemed to have a chip on his shoulder since the answering machine message situation, and she thought it was going on too long. They were back in their usual routine, but he seemed to be a little less talkative, and less enthused about their new engagement.
After seeing Rich yesterday, and remembering what her life used to be, she knew that she should probably ensure that her present life was moving as smoothly as possible. Deep down she almost felt like that didn't matter until they were actually marriedâbecause deep down she wasn't truly convinced that she would make it down the aisle. She felt like even if they miraculously made it to that point, hers would be that one-in-a-million wedding where someone stood up and objected when the reverend asked the guests if they wanted to speak or forever hold their peace. Besides, she knew that nothing in life was guaranteed and it was still hard for her to believe she could actually have a perfectly happy life, so she expected the drama to always be right around the corner.
She was feeling a little concerned about her relationship with Isaac. Despite her fear of losing him, she damn sure wasn't ready to. Also, she knew if and when that day came she would go out fighting for him. The more she thought about it, the more she was convinced that she should make all the effort she could to make Isaac see that he was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. He had proposed to her, so he had to know she loved him. Still, she was nervous that he didn't trust her 100 percent, although she knew deep in her heart that she hadn't earned all of his trust or love. More than anything she wanted somehow to get him to trust her and to know that she would never hurt him. Yet, on the other hand, she had this secret that would hurt him if he found out. How was she to convince him of her love when she was afraid he would find out the secret stuff about her one day and then wouldn't trust her again? She decided that she should go ahead and tell him before he found out, but that she should present it as something she was completely regretful of and apologetic about and not throw it in with a discussion about their other issues.
Isaac was supposed to come over to her place, just for a visit. They had both finally made copies of their apartment keys to exchange, and he was going to help lift and stack her bins of summer clothes in the back of her closet. He said he would be by around 7:30
PM
, so she left work exactly on time and headed straight home.
PM
, so she left work exactly on time and headed straight home.
Once she arrived at her place, she got comfortable and began preparing dinner for herself and Isaac. The last time he was over things didn't go so well, so she wanted this time to be better. She was safe and cleared her answering machine, and straightened up the living room area and the bedroom. She was sifting through the mail when her doorbell rang. She placed the mail back down on the end table and went to the door. She was dressed in a cropped white wife beater, exposing her great abs and pierced belly button, and some light gray spandex. Her hair was in a curly ponytail and she still had on traces of the makeup she had applied before work. She looked casual yet very sexy, her favorite look. As soon as she opened the door, she greeted him with one of her angelic smiles. Isaac returned the look of endearment and stepped inside her apartment. He gently kissed her on the forehead as she leaned in for it with her eyes closed. They both then proceeded to the living room.
Once settled he began to look for the remote.
“What are you making?” he asked.
“Just some baked chicken and rice,” she replied.
“Can I have a glass of water?”
“Sure,” she answered as she headed back to the kitchen.
She couldn't put her finger on it, but she felt something. A wall of some sort between them, and not the one that she had built from day one. It was a new one, and she didn't quite know where it came from. She would have assumed it was about the message on her answering machine, but it had been over a week, and he didn't act as if he was still upset about it. She knew she was going to have to make an extra effort tonight to get things back to normal. She had walked on enough eggshells hiding her past and trying to be perfect; she didn't need the extra stress.
She came back in the living room with a tall glass of water and sat it down in front of him. By then he had already located the remote and had started channel surfing. She sat next to him for a second, looking for a way to break the ice. She took her legs and slowly wrapped them around his waist, and sat on him, facing him. As she seductively cuddled her body closer to his, he lifted his arm to make some distance.
“What's wrong?” she asked.
“I was watching something, and now you're in my way.”
Offended by the rejection, Charlene quickly removed herself from his lap.
“Not like that, I'm just saying.”
“What are you saying? I try to have your undivided attention and I can't have it for a second?”
“I just got here, I had a long day at work, can I just relax for a second?” Isaac asked.
Charlene thought about his response, and she knew he had a point. Besides, if they started having sex, the food would burn, so she took it as a good thing. Still, Charlene didn't take rejection well, especially when it came to denying her sex. She was used to using that to get what she wanted, so when a man turned it down it made her feel powerless. This situation was no different. If Isaac had looked in her face he would have seen the sad look in her eyes, but he kept his eyes on the television.
Charlene decided to try another route to break the ice.
“So, how was work, baby?” she asked.
“It was good, closed a few accounts today,” he replied.
“That's good. That should have put you in a good mood.”
“Yeah, I'm good.”
“Glad to hear that ... You haven't been acting yourself lately.”
That comment seemed to catch more of his attention.
“Yes I have. What are you talking about?”
“I don't know, you just seemed a little closed off.”
“No ... I have been myself,” he said matter of factly.
“OK, maybe it has been in my head ... Well, happy to hear you're good,” she said as she rose up to go back into the kitchen.
Just as she stepped away he responded, “Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?”
She stopped midstride and turned around.
“What does that mean?” she asked.
“Me being closed off ... That's your thing,” he said.
Definitely not the conversation she wanted to have, but she was also interested to know what he meant. She didn't know that Isaac had a real sense of that.
“What do you mean? I'm not closed off.”
“Yeah, you are. You are always keeping something in.”
“I have no idea what you're talking about. I am very open and talkative ... too talkative at times, you say.”
“That is true, it just seems you are selective about how open you are and what exactly you want to talk about.”
Charlene was starting to lose her footing. She wasn't prepared for this direct reality check. She thought she would be getting Isaac to share what was on his mind, and it turned out he was trying to get inside of hers. She didn't want to appear nervous or uneasy, so she tried to remain as calm as possible.
“Whatever you want to know, just ask,” Charlene said bravely.
“What is the extent of the relationship you still have with Rich?” Isaac blurted out as if he had been just waiting to ask that question.
Damn,
she thought to herself. She wasn't really expecting him to ask a question, and she definitely wasn't prepared to answer any questions. Besides, whenever anything or anyone from her life before Isaac came up she became a little uneasy, but she was especially uneasy only a day after she saw Rich. She knew it was one more secret she was going to have to keep, because this surely wasn't when she wanted to tell him that she spent a little bit of time with him recently.
she thought to herself. She wasn't really expecting him to ask a question, and she definitely wasn't prepared to answer any questions. Besides, whenever anything or anyone from her life before Isaac came up she became a little uneasy, but she was especially uneasy only a day after she saw Rich. She knew it was one more secret she was going to have to keep, because this surely wasn't when she wanted to tell him that she spent a little bit of time with him recently.
“The extent? ... We have spoken a few times over the past few years but that's the extent of it,” she finally replied.
“That's the extent of it? ... How often have y'all spoken?”
“Maybe every few months, just for a few moments, he will call me to say hello.”
“Just to say hello? It's always just to say hello?”
“Pretty much ... to say hello or catch up.”
“How did you end up telling him that marriage was not in me and your plans, then?”
Trying not to show how much this conversation was making her uncomfortable, she made a conscious effort not to hesitate as she answered his questions.
“He just happened to ask me last time we spoke. I told him that it wasn't in the plans. Not that I wouldn't marry you ... I had no idea at that time you were going to pop the question.”
“Why would he ask you that, though? ... Or was that to catch up?” Isaac asked, slightly sarcastic.
“Yeah, basically. He just asked how I was and how we were and stuff.”
“OK, whatever ...” Isaac said, showing his dislike for what he was hearing. “So it's always been on the phone, you haven't spent any time with him?”
Charlene could feel the extra perspiration forming on her body. Still, she didn't take long to answer.
“No, it's always just on the phone,” she replied.
She had gotten so used to keeping things from Isaac she found herself hiding things that weren't even necessary to hide. She didn't know if her innocent ride from Rich was one of them, but as usual she took the safe route to protect her image and chose to leave out that information. Other than yesterday, she had only seen Rich a few times since she had been with Isaac, nothing she thought was worth mentioning now.
“Well, just so we are clear, I don't know how much I like you talking on the phone with your exboyfriend who happened to be your first,” Isaac said.
“It's really not that often,” she answered.
“I really don't care. When I'm sitting here with you and have to hear a message from him saying our marriage should have been for you two, I realize there's something you're not telling meâ”
“It's notâ” Charlene tried to interrupt.
“SO ... I am telling you, I don't want you keeping in touch with him.”
The room fell silent for a second, and then Charlene responded.
“I respect your feelings. I just want you to know it's nothing like that. He knows I am engaged and happily involved.”
“Well then, he should understand that it's time to let go.”
Charlene was done with the conversation. Isaac had spoken, and there was no need to try to defend Rich. She knew that she would just dig a deeper hole if she continued, and possibly have to answer more questions that she wasn't prepared to answer.
Regardless of how much progress Charlene had made with getting comfortable with her life, she always felt a sense of tension when her past surfaced or was questioned. She never knew when anything that she had ever twisted the truth about would come to bite her in the behind. It had gotten to the point that she forgot the truth sometimes, and she lived the lies that she had told. The thing was, she never saw them as such major lies, nothing other than what most people leave unsaid about their past. Charlene wondered what woman still confesses to the world about her wild youth, the number of partners she slept with, a reputation she had in her neighborhood ... those types of things. Charlene knew she was doing what most women would. It wasn't as if she was telling complete lies to Isaac, he knew all the things about her that he needed to know, in her opinionâher real age, where she grew up, her parents, her plans for the future. As far as she was concerned as long as he knew the person she was today, yesterday was irrelevant. Besides, everyone deserves a second chance.
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