Chapter 7
C
harlene stood in the doctor's office waiting for her name to be called. Paige sat beside her with a
Glamour
magazine in her hand. Charlene looked around the room at all the pregnant mothers, bellies protruding almost out to their knees, most who looked happy as a lark. A few of them did look miserable and irritable, their faces looking swollen and noses wide. A lot of them were with their husbands, that's what the matching rings told; some were with other females and a few alone. There were five doctors who practiced at this office and at least sixteen women waiting. The whole scene depressed Charlene. The sight of all these mothers there to ensure the health of their bundle of joy to come, and there was Charlene sitting in the waiting room of an OB-GYN to get a medical condition checked out and face her pain.
A few patients weren't pregnant, or at least they didn't appear to be, some looked young, as if they were there for birth control. Charlene wished that at that age she could have been on such a couch on her way to finding out about preventive methods. Instead, she was grown and was visiting an OB-GYN's office for the first time. She had been seen by one before, but that was in a hospital, and she never did go back for her follow-up appointments. So, for the first time, at the age of twenty-six, she was seeing an OB-GYN. Her older cousin Dakota had referred her to this one, in Yonkers, a Dr. Kim Ginyard.
The office was cozy and clean, and all the staff was very friendly. There were tons of pamphlets all over the office regarding female health issues and information. Charlene read most of their titles from a distance while she waited. She didn't want to look like a first-timer, or to show any of the fear she was feeling, so she tried to remain as calm as possible. Meanwhile, she was sweaty and had some pretty huge butterflies in her stomach.
Charlene hadn't planned what she was going to say. She didn't know how she was going to get the doctor to give her the information she needed without having to go into detail about everything. She debated with herself about confiding in her doctor, but the more she thought about having to discuss everything the more nervous she got. She was close to convincing herself to walk out of the office, to forget about all of this and go on with her life as she had. But with her sister sitting there, and her folder being next in the bin, she fought the urge. Moments later, she heard her name.
“Charlene Tanner,” the nurse called.
Charlene stood up.
“The doctor will see you now.”
“Can my sister come in with me?” Charlene asked in a low voice, hoping nobody else in the waiting room would overhear her immature request.
“Sure she can,” the nurse replied with a smile on her face.
As Paige stood up and they walked toward the doorway where the nurse stood, Charlene wondered if the nurse found her request odd. She wondered if her fear was obvious and if she looked like a fool. Charlene wished that this visit could be regular, like it was for most women her age. She had dreaded this day for quite some timeânot wanting to have a doctor between her legs, to be probed inside and to be told bad news. She didn't handle it well at all the first time, and she had never quite mustered up the strength to face it again.
She sat down inside the exam room. She saw the stirrups, and all the medical supplies on the table, and she started feeling on the verge of tears. She told herself over and over to be strong and relax, but the feelings kept wavering in and out. Eventually the voice of the nurse calmed her some. She started asking some basic questions like age, time of last period, medical history. Charlene answered all of her questions to the best of her ability, and then she got her height and weight taken. She was 5'6”, 125 pounds; she had lost four pounds in the past couple of weeks and was happy to see it was still off. After the nurse jotted down her measurements, she left the room and told Charlene to change into the provided robe and that the doctor would be right in.
Charlene discreetly put on the robe that was practically made of paper. She was slightly exposed for a few quick moments, but Paige saw nothing she hadn't seen of hers while growing up with her. Paige could see in Charlene's eyes that she was nervous, so she began talking to her to calm her down some.
“So, have you decided on the wedding colors yet? ... You're so indecisive; you'll probably change it twenty times.”
“I'm still thinking light pink and mauve.”
“That would be nice, but you need to make up your mind because it sounds like Isaac is trying to have a short engagement.”
“I know ... Isaac has a lot in mind ... whether I have it in mind or not.”
“You want a long engagement?”
“No. I just don't want to be rushed. Everything is on some timetable that's not mine.”
“Most women would be excited their man can't wait to marry them.”
Charlene wasn't up for a disagreement, and since she knew that Paige was trying to distract her from the nervous feeling sitting in her stomach, and she appreciated those efforts, she went along.
“If that was the reason ... But his rush is simply because he wants his father to be around.”
“There's nothing wrong with that, as long as it's you that he wants to be with.”
“I guess. I just wish he would see what I want first ... It's all about what his dad wants right now . . . the marriage and kids to follow. That's why I'm sitting here half naked ... 'cause of his father being sick.”
“That's not nice to say, Charlene,” Paige said.
Before Charlene could respond, the doorknob turned and in came Dr. Ginyard.
“Hello, ladies, how are you doing this afternoon?”
“Fine,” they both replied practically in unison.
“Great ... I am assuming you are Charlene,” the doctor said, seeing Charlene in the robe sitting on the table.
“I am,” Charlene said with a smile, raising her hand slightly.
“OK ... And this is your ...” Dr. Ginyard said.
“My sister,” Charlene replied.
“Nice to meet you,” Dr. Ginyard said.
As the doctor looked through Charlene's file, she asked some other basic questions, like her age, and if she was sexually active and if she used birth control. For Charlene the visit was getting more and more uncomfortable as the moments went by, although not because Paige was sitting there hearing all her business. Charlene and Paige were close like that and there wasn't much Paige didn't know about her baby sister. It was because Charlene knew that soon the doctor was going to have to get down to what she was there for.
Dr. Ginyard asked Charlene to lie back and place her feet up in the stirrups; she was going to take a look. As soon as Charlene began to lie back, Paige gave her a look of reassurance to let her know that she was there by her side. If anybody knew how Charlene was feeling at the time, it was Paige. For years Paige had tried to convince Charlene that she should get this over with, so she knew that this was harder for her than it appeared. As Dr. Ginyard got her instruments, she asked Charlene when she had last had a Pap smear. Charlene had thought the questions might be over and wasn't prepared for this one.
“Ummm ... It's been a while,” she stuttered.
“What's a while?” the doctor asked as she began to place the speculum inside of her.
Just as she finished asking the question and Charlene felt Dr. Ginyard begin to swab, her emotions got the best of her. Her voice cracked as she began to answer the question, and right behind it came a flood of tears down her face. Before Paige could calm her, it was too late. Charlene was already in the middle of a full-blown emotional attack. The doctor looked up over the robe to see what was wrong.
“What's wrong? Am I hurting you?” she asked frantically.
Charlene couldn't pull herself together to answer. Paige reached down and hugged her, and the doctor took that as a sign to stop. The room felt to Charlene as if everything had stopped and like it was filled with a whole lot of pain and confusion all at once. Paige could tell that Dr. Ginyard didn't know if she should get involved or just wait the moment out.
Finally she asked, “Do you ladies want a minute alone?”
“No, she will be fine. Can she get a cup of water, though?” Paige asked.
“Sure,” Dr. Ginyard said as she exited, looking relieved to get out of there.
“Are you OK, Leen?” Paige asked
“Yes, I don't know what happened ... I was handling it so well.”
“Listen, Leen, she is a doctor. You don't have to feel uncomfortable around her. She can help you out. Besides, she sees many patients every day, she is not thinking about what she sees down there.”
Dr. Ginyard walked back in with the cup of water and noticed that Charlene already looked a little better. The doctor had other patients to see, so she knew she had to continue on with their visit one way or the other.
“Is everything OK, Charlene?” the doctor asked.
After looking over at Paige, Charlene replied, “Well, yes and no.”
“What does that mean, sweetie?” Dr. Ginyard asked.
Something about Dr. Ginyard's sincere and caring demeanor made it that much easier to just spit it out, and so she did.
“When I was only thirteen years old I got pregnant and I was unable to tell my parents about it, so my friend and I tried to abort the baby on our own ...” Charlene began in a low and shaky voice. She was holding her head low, clearly ashamed by the story she was about to share for the first time. Everyone who knew about it was there when it happened, and rarely ever was it spoken of since.
The doctor looked at her as she spoke. Charlene hoped that the doctor didn't think she was being a drama queen. She figured that the doctor had seen and heard much worse, but to Charlene this had been the most traumatizing situation of her life.
“We didn't know what we were doing, so after poking the knitting needle around up there I began to bleed a lot ... And eventually my friend called my mom and she rushed me to the hospital ... They thought I was going to bleed to death. At the hospital, they removed the baby but they said I had perforated my uterus and my chances of giving birth were slim to none.”
By the time Charlene finished telling the doctor the story, her face was soaked by the tears that had fallen and so was Paige's. Paige knew the entire story, but hearing Charlene relive it out loud for the first time gave her goose bumps. Paige had been with their mother when she received the call. They rushed home and found Charlene in a pool of bloodâthat was something that would never leave Paige, just like it would never leave Charlene. It felt like it took months to completely get rid of the blood. Paige could remember that all Charlene's friend Tanai kept screaming was, “We killed her! We killed her!” It was the most horrific scene.
The doctor took a moment to respond, and then she asked, “Did your last doctor tell you the same thing?”
“This is the first time I have been to the doctor since the incident.”
“Since you were thirteen?”
“Yes ... I have been to a general doctor, but I haven't been examined down there since.”
“Wow, Charlene ... They didn't suggest counseling or any follow-up appointments?”
“They did, but I wasn't really willing to go through anything else at the time, the physical and emotional pain stuck around for quite some time, and besides, my mother just wanted us to put it behind us.”
“At the risk of your health?”
“My mom is very religious, and she was very disappointed in my behavior so she said we just had to pray on it.”
After realizing that there were several aspects to this issue the doctor realized that this was better suited for a licensed psychologist, so Dr. Ginyard decided to leave the family issues alone.
“Do you mind letting me examine you?” the doctor asked her.
Without answering, Charlene began to lie back down on the table. The doctor put her gloves back on and began to slowly open Charlene's legs. Surprisingly, now that Charlene had told the doctor, it was a lot easier for her to lie there calmly. At first she was very squeamish when the speculum and swab entered her again, but she lay there and let the doctor do her work.
It was quick and painless in the end, and Charlene was actually happy that she was finally getting this done. The doctor said she wanted to look at an ultrasound as well to take a look at her uterus, so she sent her over to another room. Charlene did everything that the doctor asked, and Paige was right there by her side for it all.
Charlene never thought she would feel such a relief after reciting the tragic story of her childhood to someone, but she was actually happy that she had. She hoped she could feel the same relief after telling Isaac the story, along with the results from the doctor.
Chapter 8
O
utside kids were playing and running around making all sorts of noises. There were four girls playing a mean game of double Dutch right outside Charlene's window. The ropes hit the ground and a girl in lime green jumped right in, her skinny legs jumping and bending fast as lightning. She'd probably been jumping for years.
A day had gone by and Charlene was still awaiting her test results as well as the right moment to have her talk with Isaac. He had already let go of the silly fight over Rich, somewhat. They had talked on the phone since then, but they hadn't seen each other in a few days. Even though it seemed like things were getting back to normal, she knew the timing wasn't right to cause issues again with this secret. Besides, she wanted to know what the doctor said first, because if the doctor had positive results from her checkup she would be telling him for nothing.
Charlene knew that most people would be more afraid about the results from the STD tests, but Charlene was more concerned with her chances of having a baby. She knew an STD could be cured, at least if it wasn't HIV; but not being able to have kids was permanent. Of course she was hoping that she was disease freeâshe definitely was a candidate for an STD, but it had been a while since she had put herself at risk and she hadn't seen any signs of anything yet. There were no bumps, rashes or coughs; so she figured that nothing had caught up with her. Besides, she mostly used protection with all her partnersâjust not with Isaac, but she wasn't worried about him.
Charlene finished using the bathroom and peeked outside the window at the girls jumping rope. It brought back memories, good and bad ones, from when she was their age. Charlene couldn't help but smile as she heard the girls singing along to their jump rope song. She almost wished that she could go out there and jump in for old times' sake, but she knew she would look like a fool. So she went on past the window and went back to sitting on her couch, and curled up with the remote and some potato chips.
She was watching
Bridezillas
on Lifetime, laughing at all the dramatic fiancées. She knew she was very capable of being just like those women, but she would never want to be on that show because she had too much to hide from too many people.
There was a lot of Charlene she had to hide from her mother while growing up and today as well. Charlene's mother was very strict and not very warm. She raised her children with an iron fist. She tried to keep a tight rein on them, and with Charlene's ways they had bumped heads throughout most of Charlene's youth. Although they had come a long way and their relationship had mended some, there was still an underlying distance and disdain between them. So as Charlene did better for herself she always felt like she was proving her mother wrong. Usually when Charlene was around her mother, she was never one hundred percent herself and tried to keep up the image that she was A-OK.
Then there were some of her friends who were always trying to pick her brain and get her to show weakness and embarrassment, so she always had to be fake with them. It was like people didn't want a girl like her to get a second chance. They wanted to believe she wasn't worthy of a good life just because she had made some bad decisions in her life. Isaac at least knew the real herâwell, at least the Charlene she was today. She was always herself around him, and felt so comfortable. That was, unless her past came up, that was the part of Charlene she never really opened him to. It wasn't like she had lied about anything major; she'd just kept secrets from him along the way. She always considered them as the kinds of things to be told on a need-to-know basis, and most of them he didn't need to know. In Charlene's opinion, nothing he didn't know was really that relevant today, other than this one about children. However, her justification was that she wasn't sure if she was or wasn't capable and, boy, was she praying she was.
In any normal relationship child-bearing issues wouldn't seem so devastating, it would be something that most couples in love would try to overcome. However, with Isaac he had been looking forward to and planning on having kids for years, like
really
looking forward to it. He was the epitome of a family man, because that's all he wanted to be. Although he was a very successful businessman, for Isaac it was family first, career second. He took a lot of pride in being the last man in his family to carry on his family name. It meant even more to him now that his father was passing, it was probably his deepest desire to have his father alive to see his grandchild.
That's why Charlene felt so guilty for never telling Isaac about this, but she didn't know it would come to this. Charlene was used to messing with men that didn't want kids or didn't really care either way. Even more so, she wasn't used to doing much more than just messing with men. She wasn't the relationship type of gal prior to dating Isaac. She knew as their relationship grew that it was different from any other she had been in, but she didn't expect him to care this much about her or having a baby. Besides, Charlene always believed it was the mother's choice; it was the woman who made a big deal about those kinds of things. It was just her luck that she fell in love and was engaged to marry one of the few men that cared about having kids more than anything. It was like karma for all of her deceit.
It wasn't really deceit, though, she didn't live the lie, the situation was in her past and she was just trying to keep it there. She honestly hadn't prepared herself for down the line with Isaac; she only lived day to day with him. When they met a few years back, she never would have thought she would be marrying him. It was strange enough being in a real relationship, then it was lasting, and the craziest part was she was forced to show every part of herself. Charlene wasn't prepared for this, but she did wish that she had been. She loved Isaac and wanted their relationship to work more than anything. Yet, here she was facing all of the lies she had told him and the possibility of losing him.
The
Bridezillas
show was coming to an end, and Charlene started flicking through channels looking for another show to help mope her day away. She was slowing down in the movie channels area just as her house phone rang. She got up to answer, it was Paige.
“How's my baby sister doing?” Paige asked.
“I'm fine.”
“What are you doing?”
“Just watching television.”
“I was just thinking about you ... making sure you're OK.”
“I'm as OK as I'm going to be.”
“Did you hear anything from the doctor's office?”
“No, I'm still waiting to hear from them.”
“When did she say they will be ready again?”
“Top of the week.”
“You nervous?”
“Slightly ... I am more nervous about telling Isaac.”
“I understand that part, baby girl.”
“Between me and you, I have even had mixed emotions about what I want the results to be.”
“What do you mean by that?” Paige asked, sounding surprised.
“I have been spending most of my life prepared not to have kids. Ever since the doctor told me that years ago ... I have just been prepared for the worst.”
“But shouldn't that mean if you find out you can, that would be good news?”
“I guess ... because I know Isaac, and Mommy and Daddy ... and you would be happy ...” she said.
“You don't want kids, Leen?”
“Not really ... I have already convinced myself of how great life could be without having kids. I had to find a way to cope, ya know?”
“Yeah, I do. Well, regardless of what the results are you will have a fulfilling life.”
“The issue is if Isaac will have a fulfilling life.”
“I really think you should talk to him, Charlene. Don't wait until after you get the results.”
“I know ... I plan on telling him.”
For a few moments neither of them said anything else, then they made some more small talk and got off the phone. Paige didn't want to be the annoying angel on Charlene's shoulder, and Charlene wasn't in the mood to be annoyed. Still, Charlene knew Paige was coming from a good place.
Paige's talks were like therapy sometimes for Charlene, because Paige was the one person in her life that she could talk to about any and everything. Charlene had a couple of good friends, but none of them knew about this, except Tanai. And although the situation really affected their friendship they remained in touch through the years. When they were younger, their friendship was mainly confined to the school day, then once they got older they spoke over the phone from time to time. Still, no matter how many years they had been in each other's lives, their friendship had lost its heart. The two of them had lost their innocence together. Being faced with such a grown-up situation at such a young age had brought them closer in one sense, yet had torn them apart.
Charlene wasn't angry at Tanai, but her mother rarely allowed her to play with her after it happened. Ann Tanner, being as strict and religious as she was, was not only devastated by the news of Charlene being pregnant, but embarrassed. She was distraught over what the other church members might think. Charlene remembered feeling like her mother was more concerned about her getting pregnant than about the fact that she had almost died. As she got older, she resented her mother for not taking any blame, for not realizing that it was Charlene's fear of her mother and her mother's lack of acceptance of imperfection that made her resort to such extreme measures to begin with. Regardless of Charlene's view, her mother was stuck in her ways. So not only did Charlene feel guilty, she felt ashamed all these years and she never quite regained all of her self-confidence back from that. She always felt like she was her mother's biggest disappointment.
Charlene's dad, on the other hand, although also strict and religious, was more understanding. Paige and her dad always had a better relationship, but it still wasn't quite the kind where she could go to him about anything. He would discipline and scold her, but still for Charlene, his love was enough; just knowing that he accepted her meant the world to her. Sometimes she wondered if he would have stopped caring. But he continued to show Charlene his fatherly love from the moment it happened until the present; she never felt any difference in her relationship with him. He would even try to help her mother see things differently, to no avail. She was one stubborn woman, and she had her list of rights and wrongs and no one could tell her different. Paige was her trophy daughter, even though she was far from perfect. And after Paige survived her youth without getting pregnant or locked up, that made her the better woman in their mother's eyes. Paige and Charlene both knew that, and so did everyone else who knew the family.
Still, in Charlene's opinion, despite all of her struggles growing up, she definitely turned out to be quite a lady. She'd had her share of indiscretions, definitely so. But she hadn't fallen by the wayside. She kept her head above water and kept on going. Even when she felt that she was the black sheep of her family, or like she wasn't worthy of a man's true love, she still got up every day and completed life's tasks with the world never knowing her woes. There were many times when men made her feel low, when she was used and abused. There were times she would find herself practically living the life of a hooker, when she would sleep with men for money or gifts. Charlene would hear all the time what a beauty she was. Most men felt a sense of conquering when they got with her, but when they saw how easy she was, they would realize she wasn't a treasure after all. She was a scorned beauty.
It wasn't until one day, when she was twenty-two years old, that she decided she wanted a fresh start. She was tired of those lonely nights, and of pretending to herself. To start anew she denied her past, changed her ways, and handled her life and men differently. That's where her lies and deceit with Isaac came in to play. She never had planned on having to be the old Charlene again, so she never had prepared for the day when the old Charlene would make an appearance.