Chapter 19
S
he had just walked out of her office door and before she could even hit the pavement, she got her cell phone out of her bag. She had noticed right before she signed off her computer that she had missed a call from Paige, and she really wanted to talk to her. She was dying to ask her what she thought she should do about Isaac's request, but she had been so busy at work she hadn't gotten a chance to call her earlier in the day. She immediately dialed Paige's number and waited for her to answer. She continued down the block toward her car as Paige's phone rang and she waited to hear her perky voice on the other end. She was looking for her maroon Altima in the midst of all the cars parked in the lot.
Five rings later, there was her perky voice, but on a recording. Charlene left a quick but urgent-sounding message and hung up. By this point she had already reached her car, had keyed in and had put down her bags in the passenger seat. She sat there for a moment to put her hands-free earpiece in before she pulled off, and as she fumbled with it and the phone, her cell phone began to ring. She became excited because she was all ready to spend her drive home talking on the phone, getting some insight from Paige. When she turned to glance at the caller ID, it was Jasmine. She was a bit disappointed that it wasn't Paige, but then she realized that Jasmine was the next best thing. Jasmine might have been the best thing if she had known about the whole story with the abortion years ago, but there wasn't but so much Charlene could explain without sharing her secret with her, too, after all these years. Jasmine and Charlene had become friends about two years after it happened, and Charlene had never told her. Now, Jasmine knew that Charlene was no angel growing up; hell, Jasmine ran with her all through high school. Still, regardless of all she did know, which was a lot, she didn't know about this little secret, and that was what Charlene really needed some advice on. But Charlene figured she would just get creative, she needed to talk.
“Hey, girl,” Charlene answered her phone.
“Hey, miss, what's up with you?”
“Just getting off work, what about you?”
“I was off today, had to run some errands and stuff.”
“That's cool, I can use a day off myself.”
“I feel you, this day went by so fast I need another one already,” Jasmine said, laughing.
“Yeah, I can use one just to sit back and relax, and clear all of my thoughts,” Charlene replied.
“How's everything going? You started planning the wedding yet?”
“Slightly. By the way, you know you're in it, right?” Charlene asked playfully.
“I better be,” Jasmine replied. “You need help with anything?” she continued.
“Well, for now, I can just use your help on how to stay engaged and then we can address the wedding,” Charlene said.
Through her laughter, Jasmine responded, “What happened?”
“Well, let's just say he is asking a lot of questions, and they're questions I don't think if he knew the answers to he would be too happy.”
“Why he asking questions all of a sudden?”
“I don't know, I guess he is just being curious, and I have kept certain sensitive information from him this long, I don't think this would be a good time to tell him.”
“I would think not, too. Big arguments and revealing new information should be forbidden during engagements. These men don't need much of an excuse to back out of the commitment,” Jasmine said with a chuckle.
“So you think I should continue to keep some things from him?”
“For now, you had a story, now stick to it.”
“Yeah, but I'm afraid that as he asks questions, the more I try to keep up with the story the more he is going to dig, and the worst it might be in the end.”
“How much can he dig? It's in your past, what is he going to do? Go interview people from your high school and neighborhood or something?” Jasmine asked, laughing at the thought of Isaac out around town like a detective.
“I guess you're right, all he has is my word,” Charlene replied, not joining in on the laughter.
“That's right. Don't go ruining that now by letting him know that your word hasn't been that great all this time ... Just ride it out, you'll be down the aisle soon.”
As much as Charlene knew what Jasmine was saying was kind of foul, it did make sense. Of course, in a perfect world you should go into a marriage completely open and honest. The problem was, in the real world that same honesty can cause a couple not to go into marriage at all. It's like when a bride or groom go too far at the bachelor or bachelorette party, do you wake up the next morning and confess? Do you just walk up to your partner on the morning of your wedding and tell them that you have slept with some stripper or some random guy? If so, then that wedding might not take place, and if it does, it wouldn't be quite as romantic as planned. Then you have the option of keeping that secret to yourself. It was a mistake, and your partner knowing can't take it back even if he truly wanted to. It would only make the situation worse, not better. Without that information being shared, the wedding can go as planned and it can be the fairy-tale event everyone wanted.
So, the logical thing seems to be to keep those secrets to yourself. It's not always a sneaky or deceitful thing, sometimes it's in the best interest of the relationship. Jasmine had helped Charlene realize just what she meant, and Charlene knew that this was definitely one of those instances. She was only trying to keep Isaac in love with the woman she was, and not turned off by the woman she once was. Charlene knew it was best. Some people ask for honesty, but they are not really ready to handle the truth.
After Jasmine helped Charlene decide that she wasn't ready to risk her engagement, she went ahead and wrapped up the phone call. Before Charlene and Jasmine hung up the phone, they said one of them would call the other back after they got settled at home.
Â
Â
Charlene walked in and went straight for the kitchen. All day she had her mind on the Oreo cookies that were on top of her refrigerator. She grabbed them and opened the refrigerator door to get the milk. As she poured herself a tall glass to accompany her evening snack, she gazed at a picture of her and Isaac on her refrigerator. It made her smile and feel a sense of joy. The picture was from when they went to Ocean City, Maryland, for a little weekend getaway one summer. A man came around taking pictures on the beach and had them strike some really funny poses, and the cutest one she put up on the fridge. She continued looking at it with a smile on her face until she put the milk back and walked away from the kitchen.
Looking at the picture made her feel confused. On the one hand she was with a great man who most women would die for, but on the other she was with a man she was so afraid to expose her entire history to. She didn't even know who to blame for that anymore. All she knew was that it was a problem, and she didn't know if it was about to spiral out of control. One thing she was learning the hard way was that dishonesty can be a deadly disease. It can start out as a small infection, but slowly it spreads and spreads and before you know it there is no cure.
Just as she lay down on the couch Charlene's thoughts were interrupted by a phone call. She thought it might be Paige, so she hurried to the phone and answered.
“Hello,” Charlene said in an upbeat voice.
“Slut,” the female voice said.
“What?” Charlene responded.
Click. The person hung up.
Charlene was pissed for about ten seconds. She looked at the caller ID, the call had come from a blocked number. Charlene couldn't recognize the voice but it might have been Takesha. This wasn't the first time Charlene had to deal with stupidity like this, so it could have been any number of people. She always assumed it was a female from her past who had never gotten over that Charlene had taken their man. Still, she couldn't wait until there were no more remnants of those days, because the calling-and-hanging-up game was so high school.
Charlene decided to put the ignorant call out of her mind. She lay back down on the couch and started surfing the television channels. After she flicked through about three, the phone rang again. This time Charlene looked at the caller ID before picking up and saw it was a blocked number again. Charlene was tempted to answer and start breaking but instead she let it go to her answering machine. She wasn't in the mood today, not at all.
Â
Â
850 calories and five television programs later, Paige finally called back.
“What took you so long to return my call?” Charlene asked as she picked up. She had been watching television for over three hours, and she had had over fifteen Oreos and two glasses of milk.
“I went to the gym, and I'm leaving now.”
“The gym? Since when you go to the gym?”
“A little over a month now.”
“You should have told me, I need to go with you.”
“Please, for what? You nothing but skin and bones.”
“Please ... I just ate one and a half rows of Oreo cookies.”
“Lol ... PMS?”
“I don't know, but I know I sat here and tore them things up,” Charlene said, laughing.
“You a mess,” Paige replied. “What's up, though? You sound like there was more drama on your message than Oreo eating,” she continued.
“Yeah ... Well, Isaac called me and started asking me questions about how I found out, and why the doctor would test me for something that major without me asking, and telling me how he heard they don't normally do that and all of this,” Charlene blurted out.
“Damn, really? He is really concerned with all of that?”
“I'm telling you, when it comes to him and having his children, he don't skip a beat.”
“That is crazy. You would never think a man would be that into that stuff.”
“Not Isaac. He wants me to make an appointment so he can come with me.”
“You're not even pregnant, why does he want to go?”
“To see why I will have trouble getting pregnant.”
“You can't get pregnant, though, what doesn't he understand?”
“Remember, I didn't tell him everything ... And I can get pregnant, it's just highly unlikely that I will be,” Charlene said, defending herself.
“First of all, not highly unlikely, damn near impossible the doctor said ... I was there. Second, you haven't told Isaac yet, Charlene?”
“I told him what I thought was enough. Who would think he would come back inquiring?”
“Leen, listen. This is your relationship, but I really think you need to explain everything to him so that he doesn't have to go through trying to get you pregnant and all that frustration. You know he wants to give his father a grandchild before he passes, why would you want to deceive him into thinking that's possible? That's just mean.”
Charlene didn't even know what to say. She had to admit it was kind of heartless. Still, she knew that either way there was going to be disappointment, she didn't see how her volunteering extra information was going to make it better.
“I feel ya, Paige, but I just don't know how. Besides, once I have to retract all my other tales I've told he may flip out.”
“Not if you explain why you didn't tell him. What else you going to do? Have him come to the doctor with you and ask the doctor to lie for you?”
“I was just going to tell him I made an appointment, and then when it came, miss it for some reason,” Charlene replied.
“What's that going to do?”
“I'm not sure if he really wants to go to ask questions or to see if I'm being one hundred percent truthful.”
“And you think by missing the appointment, he is going to go away? He will just expect to go on another, and don't you think the more you prolong it the more suspicious he will become?”
Charlene couldn't take much more of Paige's sense talking. Just the thought of breaking the news to Isaac was not only making her heart beat faster, it was the absolute last thing she wanted to do. She made an excuse to get off the phone with Paige. Not to be mean, but she just needed some time to think for herself. She had asked Paige and Jasmine their opinions, but she realized that eventually she was going to have to face this herself. Charlene knew that Paige was morally right, but what Jasmine had advised sounded so much easier to handle.
Chapter 20
C
harlene took the night off from thinking through her situation. She was tired of going back and forth with herself. She started to think that maybe she was making a bigger deal out of it than it was. She hadn't killed anybody or cheated, she didn't think she should have to beat herself up over this. So, once she hung up with Paige and pondered over it for a bit, she went right back to watching television and eating Oreo cookies.
Â
Â
The next day, it crossed her mind once or twice but not enough to call the doctor and make an appointment or to call Isaac and tell him she wasn't making one. It was Friday, and Charlene worked her little heart out all day to get everything done so she could get off nice and early. She just wanted to go home and relax. It had been a long and daunting week, and she was looking forward to the weekend.
She left the office at exactly a quarter to five. Her boss had left early for the day, so she left out a little earlier than she was supposed to. On the ride home, she felt great. She was listening to Golden Girl holding it down as a guest DJ on WBLS and jamming to the latest R&B. Good days didn't come often for Charlene lately, but she was actually having one today. She hadn't spoken to Isaac yet, and she had breezed through her workday. She didn't want to let all the drama take over her entire life. She was a newly engaged woman, and hadn't even begun to get into the happy wedding planning. Charlene wanted to finally just move on, even if it meant she had to ignore Isaac's little inquisitive tantrum. She had come this far from her past; she wasn't ready to let it grab her back down now. So she told herself what she had said many times before: you have to fake it until you make it.
She got home, put down her things and went to the bathroom. She was sitting on the toilet when her phone rang in her purse in the living room. She thought about getting it, but she didn't feel like jumping up to get it, she was enjoying that feeling of just releasing on her home toilet. So she let the phone ring to voice mail. After the phone rang out, a few moments later her house phone rang. She was almost done by then, but still not ready to wrap up. She was still relaxing, and she decided she would call the person back. Then her answering machine turned on, and seconds later she heard the voice of Isaac coming through the speaker.
“Hey, it's me, Isaac. I'm on my way there, be there in about five to ten minutes.”
Charlene quickly wrapped up what she was doing, pulled up her pants and rushed to her purse to get her cell phone. She instantly checked the caller ID and, as she had expected, it was Isaac who had called both phones. She called him back from her cellular. He answered pretty quickly.
“Hey, baby,” Charlene said.
“Hey, darling ... You home? I'll be at your place in about five minutes.”
“Oh ... Yeah, I'm here. How did you even know I was home?”
“I wasn't sure, but I figured you would be soon. Even if you weren't there yet, I would have used my key and just waited for you to get home.”
“OK ... You would have been waiting for me in some silk boxers?” she asked playfully.
“Maybe,” he replied. “I'll see ya in a bit.”
Charlene hung up, realizing there was no need to even try to change or straighten up. He left her no time at all to do anything. When she really thought about it, she shouldn't have to still put on a show when he came over, anyway.
About ten minutes later, Charlene heard keys fiddling at her door. She looked up and Isaac was walking in. He was dressed in black slacks, a tan and black button-up shirt and black shoes. He had a fresh haircut and a new nice-sized diamond in his ear. He was looking absolutely delicious, and Charlene was hoping she could get a taste before he left. As soon as Isaac walked in, he, too, headed to the bathroom. Charlene sat on the couch flicking through channels. She had taken off her socks and shoes and was happily wiggling her toes, excited to relax on this Friday night. Once he got out of the bathroom, he started making conversation. Normally, all Isaac wanted to do was watch television and sit mostly in quiet. Not today, though, he was in a conversational mood.
“How is work going?” he asked.
“It's going well. Sarah is finally leaving so it's going to be a little busy until they replace her.”
“It's about time. Didn't she resign like over three months ago?” he asked.
“Yeah, but they begged her to give them more time. But she finally left. Today was her last day.”
“That's cool. I'm sure you can handle it,” he replied.
“I hope so and hopefully they bring someone else in quick.”
“They probably will,” he responded.
A few seconds passed, and the television seemed to have their attention. Isaac had taken the remote and was flicking through channels now; they both were waiting for something that interested them enough to catch their eyes so they could start to watch it.
“So did you call the doctor?” he asked.
He threw her off. For some reason she thought possibly he'd forgotten about it, especially since he hadn't called or brought it up.
“No, not yet.”
“What do you mean, not yet?”
All of a sudden, Isaac seemed to change his mood. He wasn't as relaxed and he wasn't flicking through channels anymore.
“I didn't call yet, I had got so busy,” she replied. She didn't look away from the television, and she had started fiddling with her fingers.
Isaac on the other hand was looking right at her and was very focused.
“I asked you to call as soon as you hung up, and you couldn't find a moment since then?”
“Not that day, it was busy. Then today it was busy and I forgot.”
“Forgot? Really? How do you forget about something like this?”
“Sorry, Isaac ... I have a lot on my mind.”
“You? This is my life we are talking about, too, here.”
“I know, I'm going to make the appointment.”
“Forget it ... I'll make it, because I don't want to wait on you to clear your schedule and remember.”
“That's not necessary. I'll get to it.”
“Charlene, there is something up with this whole situation ... something you're not telling me.”
Charlene's eyes dropped momentarily, and she felt her heart racing. Isaac's tone and anger had made her uncomfortable and nervous. Now he was putting her on the spot. She hadn't even made up her mind completely about which route to take with this whole thing, and now here he was with the flashlight in her face. She knew she didn't want to tell him under these circumstances even if she was going to tell him.
“There is nothing I am not telling you, Isaac, I wish you would calm down about this.”
“It's hard to be calm when I don't know what's going on.”
“Just relax. We will work it out. I'll call the doctor and we can go one day to get some more information.”
“OK, well, in the meantime help me be clear ... The doctor just said that you did not have normal fertility?”
“Basically,” she replied, not looking in his direction.
“But she says you will have kids, it just may take some monitoring of your period and when you're ovulating and stuff like that?”
“Something like that.”
Charlene's body temperature had risen. Her hands and face were clammy, and she could feel anxiety running through her body. She was partially angry and partially nervous. She just wanted this to end. It was bad enough she wasn't used to Isaac getting angry and yelling, but she hated his line of questioning. Of course, though, this was out of her control.
“Something like that?” Isaac asked.
He put down the remote and turned toward Charlene. She slightly looked his way, but didn't look him in his face. He took her face in his hands.
“Look me in my eyes, and tell me you are telling me the truth.”
Not expecting this, Charlene's eyes were roaming on and off his. Then before she could stop it, her eyes started to well up with tears. Her body was becoming overwhelmed with guilt, fear, anger, sadness and every other emotion in the book. She just couldn't hold strong anymore. The tears began to stream down her face, but Isaac still had her face in his hand. Her tears weren't fazing him one bit. He just sat there holding her face, waiting for her to speak.
“I can't have children,” she mumbled through the tears.
Isaac let go. “What do you mean?”
“I have a ruptured uterus and it is close to impossible for me to bear children.”
“Close to impossible?” Isaac asked in a soft and saddened tone.
“The chances are very, very slim, the doctor said, and if I do get pregnant it would be a high-risk pregnancy for both me and the child,” Charlene continued.
Isaac sat there in silence for a few moments, taking it all in. Charlene sat a few inches away from him, with tears still rolling down her face, trying to muffle her sobs.
“Why didn't you tell me all of this, Charlene?” Isaac finally asked. “This is serious.”
“I was, but I didn't know how.”
“A ruptured uterus? What is that from?” Isaac asked. It was like he had just replayed what she said back in his head, and just realized he'd missed a major part.
Charlene paused, her sobs stopped for a moment. She looked over at Isaac and could see in his eyes that he wasn't up for any bull. He wanted to get to the bottom of this. She knew it made no sense for her to even try to bother and play the vague game.
“I had an abortion and it didn't go well. My uterus was ruptured, and a few other organs were slightly damaged. I was pretty delicate down there, but it's been a while so the doctor said a lot has healed. My uterus, on the other hand, was really bad off, so it's not where it should be.”
“You had an abortion? When was this?” Isaac asked.
“Yes ... Well, actually I did it myself. I was afraid to go to my mother and afraid to go to the doctor. That's how I damaged myself in there.”
“You did it yourself? How old were you?”
“Yes, myself ... or at least I tried myself ... with a knitting needle. I ended up going to the hospital an hour or so later and they completed what I started and fixed me up.”
“How old were you?” he asked again.
“I was thirteen when this happened.”
Isaac looked away for a second, and then locked his eyes on the floor on the other side of the room. To Charlene, it felt like forever, but only about ten seconds went by before he spoke.
“Thirteen, Charlene? ... I thought you didn't start having sex until your last year of high school.”
Charlene didn't answer right away. At that point Charlene wished she hadn't said so much. She was starting to think clearly again through the emotions, and she realized that she had said a lot. She didn't have time to think of anything else.
“It was younger than that; I was a little dishonest about that when we met.”
“A little dishonest?” Isaac's voice started to rise again. He wasn't sad for her or himself anymore. He was angry again.
“Let me guess, you had more than three partners, too ... thirteen having an abortion ... You must have been real loose,” Isaac continued.
Charlene just sat there. She couldn't defend herself, because there was no defense. More denials, more lies, what was the point? She wasn't going to give him any more information to throw in her face, but she definitely wasn't going to add any lies.
“The worst part is not that you lied to me and told me you only had three partners and you really were a ho. Not even that you were going to try to have me do the impossible, and turn a ho into a housewife ... But you were going to waltz around here like everything was all good. Knowing you couldn't have kids, having me be oblivious to that, and you know how much that means to me. I told you what it meant to me to give my father grandchildren, and you didn't even have the decency to let me in on your little secret ... well, secrets. That's the worst part.”
“I'm sorry, Isaac, I really am. I didn't want to lose you.”
“Really? That's why you have been lying to me through our whole relationship because you didn't want to lose me?”
Even though she heard the sarcasm in his question, she still answered. “Yes.”
“I doubt that, Charlene. The reason for that was because you're a lying bitch. That's the only reason.”
Isaac had already stood up, and by this point he had his keys in his hand and he was walking toward the door. Charlene had her head low, blinded by the tears that had been continuously flowing from her eyes.