Shattered (31 page)

"Grayson and I need this, okay? I'm driving and the roads are slick, so I can't stay on the phone right now. I'll call you when I'm done."

"Alright. And hey, do what you've gotta do to get back to Grayson. You deserve him."

"Thanks, Miranda. I'll call you later."

Miranda's reaction roused the queasiness in my stomach that I had been working to suppress. Thoughts of my conversation with Colby came crashing back like a tidal wave. In so many ways I wanted to tell him what sort of self-centered asshole he was and how I hated how much of my life I had given to him. But with the very next thought, I thought about how much of my life had been tied to him and how alive he had made me feel when I felt anything but. The conflict of emotions angered, then saddened, and then angered me all over again.

 I barreled on through the rain, once again allowing the loud strum of the electric guitar to rip through my thoughts. Getting through this meeting with Colby was the only thing on my mind at the moment, and the mix of emotions propelled me onward in hopes of finding some real closure.

 My head rested against the headrest of my seat as I sat in the parking lot of Bellingham Regional Hospital, the rain pelting my Jeep. Staring out through the water-filled windshield, I breathed in and out deeply, gathering my nerves while mentally preparing myself to make my way inside. The last time I had been inside the hospital was on that heinous night when the doctor announced that my mother hadn't made it through surgery.

Was I ready?

The questions kept banging against the walls of my head. I couldn't decide if I was asking myself this question concerning my mom, Colby, or both. I watched as everyday people walked in and out of the hospital without a care in the world and I envied them, wishing that I wasn't sitting in a Jeep, in a parking lot, trying to coax myself to make my way inside.

The ring of my cell phone startled me out of my daydreams. "Hello!" I answered.

"Are you there, yet?" Grayson asked, sounding anxious.

"Yeah. I'm here. Just sitting in my Jeep waiting for the rain to die down." The line went silent. I could hear Grayson's slow, deep breaths, but he didn't say anything. "Are you okay?" I asked, hoping to end the awkwardness.

"I should be asking you that, Dallis. Why didn't you call?"

"I just got here, Grayson--"

"Damn. I really wish you had let me take you," he interrupted.  I knew he was probably pacing wherever he was, running his hands over his hair.

"I made it safely and I am about to go in. I'll call you when I'm on my way back." The line went silent again. "And, Grayson? Please stop worrying."

"I just want you to be okay, Dallis."

"I know. I'll be alright. I'm going in now. I'll talk to you later." I ended the call and stepped out into the rain, casually walking to the hospital entrance doors.

After stopping by the front information desk, I walked over to the elevators and pressed the button for the fifth floor. The elevator was crowded--f of happy, quiet, and somber looking people. I wasn't quite sure which category I fit into, so to be on the safe side I just stood in my spot, remaining silent and not making any eye contact with anyone. When we reached the fifth floor, the doors opened and I stepped out.

Looking around the room, I immediately felt the effects of a time shift. This floor was the same floor that I was on when my mom was rushed to the hospital the night she died. My breath hitched as I saw the doors of the dreaded waiting room where I sat, anxiously awaiting any news, only to have the pieces of my already shattered heart ripped away. A young nurse tapped my shoulder and asked, "May I help you with anything? You don't look well."

I turned to her, staring blankly into her sympathetic eyes. She smiled warmly, making me shake my head before answering, "Um--no. I'm good. Um--I just need to know where Colby Shaw's room is?"

"Oh, Mr. Shaw," she said, smiling at the mention of his name. "Mr. Shaw is in room 5502. Would you like me to take you there?"

My expressionless gaze made her twitch with unease. "No. I can manage. Thank you."

"You're very welcome," she called after me as I walked in the direction of his room.

For a while, I walked with my eyes closed, trying to sort through what appeared to be an endless amount of pictures that I had mentally stored from my last visit here. A throb of pain, a twinge of agony, and small traces of self-pity invaded me--each one taking turns inflicting its displeasure on me. My head ached, my stomach churned, and my hands sweat. I hated the feel of it. I wanted to rid myself of it all, but I wasn't sure how. When I opened my eyes, I caught sight of Mr. and Mrs. Shaw walking out of what I presumed to be Colby's room. I hadn't seen or spoken to them since my break-up with Colby, and the earlier nuances that were ripping into me were quickly replaced by short circuiting nerves. I had no idea what to say to them or how they would respond to me. Hoping to not let on, I continued my stride, standing up a little straighter so as to come across looking confident, instead of nervous and afraid. I quickly blew out my thousand pound breath and tucked my hair behind my ears as I stopped just shy of them.

"Dallis?" Mrs. Shaw asked, looking confused and wary.

"Hi," I mumbled. I shouldn't have felt so awkward, but our mutual body language and the shortness of air in the hallway didn't make for any other feeling at the moment.

She pulled me in for a hug, one that I tried to return with affection, hoping to ease the tension that had settled over us. "I'm just surprised to see you here," she said pulling, away trying to inconspicuously look around, but failing miserably.

"I'm alone…if you're wondering."

She blushed. "Of course you are." Her smiled didn't hide her embarrassment well at all.

Mr. Shaw leaned over and hugged me; our connection was much more natural.

"How is he?" I asked, trying to shift the attention to where it needed to be.

"Colby is doing well," Mr. Shaw answered, looking over to his wife with hope in his eyes.

"That's good," I said. "Is he up for visitors?"

"Of course," Mrs. Shaw excitedly answered. My stark gaze brought her back down to my level. "He's been asking about you, but we just never thought you'd come," she paused, looking over to her husband. "He'll be thrilled to see you. Hailey is in there with him now."

"Thank you," I said, smiling lightly at the both of them.

Mrs. Shaw pulled me in for a longer, emotionally packed hug. "Thank you so much for coming, Dallis. It'll mean the world to Colby, but it means so much to me, too." When she pulled back, light tears drizzled down her rosy red cheeks.

"Of course," I managed to say, hoping not to allow the emotions of the moment to break my will of remaining strong. Watching Mrs. Shaw internally break down at the sight of me sent daggers for my heart, daggers that I hadn't prepared myself for.

Mr. Shaw hugged me again, then wrapped his arm around his wife's shoulder, leading her away from the room. She dabbed at her eyes a couple of times, trying to keep her tears from flooding the floors beneath her.

Peeking through the window to the hospital room, I watched as Hailey sat at Colby's bedside, reading to him and laughing every so often. Light flutters of the good times we had shared came springing back to mind and I found myself smiling as I watched the two of them interact with one another. I wasn't sure how long I had been standing there, smiling through the glass, when the young nurse from earlier walked up behind me.

"This is Mr. Shaw's room. You're welcome to go in," she said, looking at me curiously.

"Oh, I know. I just wanted to give them a minute," I meekly replied.

She smiled and continued on down the hallway.

After staring for a few minutes more, I finally found myself standing before the room with my hand on the door handle, but unable to turn it to open. After releasing a few deep breaths, and shutting my eyes for the thousandth time today, I turned the handle and walked into the room, immediately earning the stares of Hailey and Colby both. Our eyes met just as I felt my heart rate spike. Puckering my lips and swallowing hard, I finally walked further into the room and stood at the foot of the bed. "Hi," I muttered to no one in particular.

Hailey's eyes widened as she lightly smiled in my direction. "I'll give you two some space," she said, looking back to Colby. She stood and walked to the edge of the bed and took me in her arms. "Thank you so much for coming, Dallis. He needs this."

I didn't have a response to that, so I nodded my head instead. Hailey rubbed my back as she walked past me and out of the room, leaving me and Colby all alone.

Chapter 20

I stood frozen in place. Looking at Colby broke my heart. He was battered, bruised, and bandaged. He didn't look like the same, strikingly handsome man that I was accustomed to seeing; he looked like someone who had been through hell and back. Painful, piercing stabs to the heart assaulted me the longer I stood staring at him, sending my hand flying to hold the ache in my chest.

Colby smiled weakly at me, trying hard to show that he was still very much the same guy. "I'm alright, Dallis," he gruffly said, lowering his eyes at me. His heavily bandaged left hand raised and motioned for me to take the seat that Hailey had been sitting in just a couple of minutes before.

I managed a smile as I moved in his direction. I took a seat and looked at him, completely unprepared for what I saw before me and unsure of what to say now that I was face to face with him. All of the anger filled thoughts that had occupied my mind the last couple of days had somehow disappeared and I couldn't find them. In fact, thin air swirled around inside my head as words left me. Seeing Colby's deeply bruised face, the yellow starting to circle around his eyes, caused a pain inside of me that ripped away all traces of anger that had earlier consumed almost every thought of him that I had.

"I'm really glad you're here, Dallis," Colby said. He may have been broken, but his spirit was high and his words carried the same flair. "I had hoped that you would come. I wasn't sure, but it feels so good to see you."

"Colby--"

"No…wait," he interrupted. "I've thought long and hard these last few days about what I would say to you if I ever got that chance again and now that you're here, I just need to get this off my chest." He reached over and grabbed my hand. "Dallis, my accident doesn't seem like much now, but I felt the jet ski--I felt the impact of it slamming down on top of me and sending me barreling down into the depths of the water, leaving me desperate for breath while it tore away at me." He took what looked to be a painful breath. "When I finally woke up, I remember the bright lights of a hospital room blaring down on me as I lay, painfully aching from every slight movement of my body." His recollection sent tears to the edge of my eyelids, but I worked furiously to keep them contained. Colby noticed my reaction and gripped my hand just a tad bit tighter.

 "All I could remember was hitting the water, the jet ski hitting me, and then after going under, seeing you." Colby shut his eyes and swallowed hard, prompting me to swallow the lump that had lodged itself in my throat. "I could have died out there, Dallis. And I know now, after going through such a traumatic event in my life, that I just want what's going to make me happy and full."

"Colby--" I interrupted, but was cut off by his adamant head shaking.

"I need to get this out, Dallis," he said, staring holes into me. He took another pain filled breath, wincing, but continued on.

"I've loved you for a long time, and I've realized that when you love someone, you have to be willing to go to hell and back for them-- I'd be willing to do just that for you." I opened my mouth to speak, but Colby spoke up, effectively cutting me off again. "I was wrong, Dallis. I was wrong in so many ways. I wasn't there for you the way you needed me to be. I put myself and my wants before your needs, and I am so sorry for that. The way things went down between us--after everything that we'd been through together-- was so disgusting and I will forever live with the shame of it all. But I need you to know that I love you more than I love life itself. You complete me, Dallis. You are my other half. And I know that God put sufferance before me to make me see that I need you--I need you more than I need food, sleep, or even my next breath."

The dam burst as my head dropped. Listening to Colby pour his heart out ripped me in half. The deep seated passion behind his words was clearly splayed across his face as he spoke, sending the tears that I had successfully kept from spilling out, barreling down my cheeks in buckets. How could he, after everything that we had been through, finally spill his heart to me the way that he should have done so long ago? How could he allow me to heal, and then tear open my wound again, sending me back to an overwhelmingly emotional place that I had long since closed the door on? How could he?

How could I allow myself to feel for him? Did I even have control over my emotions at this point? Was I even aware of the power that his words held over me? I sat numb, unable to speak.