“He approached me, with sweat and desire to kill, grabbing my shoulder blades turning them into punching bags beating them down. With each slam of his fist, he pierced my skin letting trickles of blood run down my body and stain my clothes. I remember thinking that my clothes would be ruined because of the blood. I didn’t care that my body was a human punching bag, but getting blood stains off my clothes was going to be a bitch. How fucking stupid is that?”
“He then proceeded to grab my hair, ripping out a patch on my head and pounding it into the work out machine. Over and over again, he slammed my shoulder blades into the cold black metal of the machine. I felt the middle of my shoulders rip out against me and heard multiple cracks as I was forced into the machine. After he was done hitting me against the elliptical, he went for my eyes throwing punches at them. I was black and blue in both eyes. He told me that he wanted to bruise me so that the world could see how truly ugly I actually was.” I paused reliving the moment in my head when suddenly I heard Ryder clear his throat.
“What did your parents say? Someone must have seen something.”
“The only people that saw anything were at school and the nanny. The teachers at school were concerned always calling in the nanny, but she told them that I worked out at a kickboxing gym hence the many bruises on me. The nanny told my parents the same thing when the school finally called them and they emphasized that story. Department of Family Services came to the house once but found nothing so it was a bust. The only people I knew at school who knew the truth were Tye’s friends. They all fucking knew what was going on but didn’t care because he always gave them booze or drugs and that shut them up pretty quick.”
“At a certain point
I gave up trying. It was useless to even care about anything in life because it wasn’t my life I was living, it was his. It was like when you pour salt on an open wound and it stings, but eventually when you repeat it over and over that action doesn’t hurt anymore, it just becomes routine. When my bones would crack, those would be the only times it would really hurt. I felt and heard the cracking of a physical body part and I couldn’t do anything to help it.”
“The worst part about all of it was after we got into an episode, he would sink into the corner crying like a child, begging for my forgiveness and most people would run away screaming, but I always went over to him and gave him my forgiveness and the next day we would act like nothing happened.”
“That was always the part that hurt me the most. The fact that he would sit there bawling his eyes out waiting for me to apologize and I would. I felt as if I was a nobody without him. I felt as if I would be drained of any sort of life I had if I let him go. So, I always just went to him and comfort him. He only cried to make me feel bad. He always won…I always felt guilty.”
“Many times to avoid a fight, I would just let him fuck me, lay on top of me and grunt his frust
ration out. Fuck, I am pathetic,” I said tears rolling down my face at a rapid pace forming puddles on the napkin. My hands tried to stop the tears from falling, but their pace was quickened when Ryder moved his chair next to mine holding a napkin against my face rubbing away my tears. Through my sobs, I continued the story nearing the end knowing what I was about to tell would be worse than anything I told him thus far.
“It was my senior year of high school and we were in
the middle of a drug deal. See, once I knew he was dealing drugs, he let me in on the deals working alongside him, but never touching the drugs. So we were in a park in one of the wealthier parts of town next to the high school. Just as Tye was giving this guy an ounce of coke the guy pulled a gun on Tye. My heart was petrified and I remember it stopped beating for a complete second. The guy grabbed me by my hair, but nothing escaped my mouth in fear of getting shot. I brought myself to that place where I remained numbed and raw from emotions. I saw the magazine go up as he pointed directly at the heart of Tye. I knew something terrible was going to happen and I could do nothing to stop it. There were so many scenarios running through my head, but all I could think about was keeping Tye alive.” Ryder’s hand came up and started to caress my back just as the waiter came into the room with two heaping plates full of food.
“No,
” Ryder growled shooing him away, “Give us a little more time, please.” The waiter was in complete disbelief and ran back to the kitchen as fast as he had come.
“He deserves a big tip, I think you scared him.”
“He’ll get something, don’t worry about him,” Ryder commanded gesturing to have me finish the story. I was ready to stop there, but nothing was stopping Ryder urging me on to finish the story. “Please,” he mumbled in desperation.
“Something inside me at that moment told me to scream as loud as I could and maybe
I would save Tye. I remember sucking my breath in knowing I would probably die when I started screaming. My hands were trembling beneath me and I started silently saying my goodbyes to my parents, imagining the shock on their face when they saw their daughter dead connected to a drug dealing case. I stared over at Tye one last time looking into his soul silently forgiving him for everything he had done to me over the years. I mouthed I love you before I let out a blood curdling scream.”
“When that got the guy
’s attention, he looked over at me and waved the gun in my direction. I remember seeing the silver sleek gun with a gaping hole in the middle pointed right at me. That’s when everything went black and I fell to the ground. I can’t remember anything else from that day. I woke up three days later in a hospital bed with handcuffs strapped to the edge of the bedrail.”
“What?” Ryder interrupted his fists slamming into the table making the silver wear jump. “That’s bullshit, you didn’t do anything wrong. Why the hell did the cops think you were involved?”
“Turns out Tye ragged on me for the drug dealing and told the police everything. He said I was the one who was dealing the drugs and he was just along on the ride for protection. I found out later he tackled me and threw the drugs and money at the guys, which is when they ran. My parents were so disappointed in me. I can’t begin to even explain their disappointment. They thought I was a disgrace to the family shaming their reputation. I should have known better, but they weren’t about to let their prized reputation get in the way, so they hired me the best attorney money could buy. Imagine the looks on their face is their daughter landed herself in jail; for fucking shame, right?”
“My grandpa was the only one there who was able to help me. I moved out of the house during the tri
al. For the most part I had lived with Tye, especially during the weekend and most of my stuff that I used daily was there. Grandpa helped me get it, which was a site to see because the place Tye live in was grungy. There were shingles falling off the roof, the windows were held in place by black tape and garbage flooded the yard. My grandpa didn’t look twice though in his baby blue suit and gold jewelry. He marched right in, yelled at Tye’s drunk mother and grabbed my stuff from inside. He bought me a new phone with a new number, a new car, and a new life. He came to every hearing and every court date. When it was all over I got off on fifty community service hours, which was nothing. I worked for the community park during the summer. As soon as I finished my hours, I drove my stuff and myself out here. I haven’t spoken to my parents since the trial was over and even then all they told me was good luck.” I felt the oxygen escape my lungs and suddenly my heart was lighter in my chest. My hands no longer were trembling beneath Ryder’s although his grip remained constant while he rubbed the palm of my hand with tiny circles.
“My grandpa died a couple months into my freshman year. He left me his entire estate and gave nothing to my
parents. He was my saving grace,” I finished with slight trepidation, not wanting to look up at Ryder for fear of looking at an expression of disgust. We sat in silence for a couple more minutes as time passed both sitting looking down.
“What happened to…him?” Ryder couldn’t say Tye’s name and I could hear the pain in his voice, laced with fear for me.
“After the trial, I didn’t see him. I walked away and never looked back. When I was at the park I realized there was a part of me that I would never get back and so I decided to get the f out of dodge, so to speak. I knew I couldn’t do it anymore, the pain, the consciously numbing action I had to do. It wasn’t worth it. I wanted to live more than I wanted to die and with Tye I was dying, that wasn’t a life I was living. Plus, once I changed my number and switched cars, he had no idea where I was or how to get in contact with me. I’m sure if he ever knew where I was he would try to find me, but I am safe here, thousands of miles away from him.”
“I would beat the piece of shit up if he ever stepped foot on
California soil,” Ryder muffled through gritted teeth.
I took a deep breath
to force my neck to look upwards towards him, to finally look him in the eye and see his reaction. When my head cooperated with my mind and lifted, I saw lines wrinkled on top of Ryder’s forehead and cheeks. The lines weren’t of disgust, but rather wrinkles of concern. Concern for me and for everything I had gone through.
Suddenly, emoti
on seeped back through my pores but this time I felt it. I could feel my heart swell and the tears forming in my eyes. I felt something in my mind click and a sudden rush of emotions run through my veins.
“No, please don’t cry. Did I do something wrong?” he asked with nervous hesitation in his eyes.
“Something wrong? Oh god Ryder you really are stupid if you think you did something wrong.”
“Hey now, I am not stupid.”
“No, I didn’t mean that, I just meant…shit. You’re sitting here and you aren’t looking at me like I am some hardened criminal.”
Ryder interrupted me before I could continue, “Because you aren’t darlin’.”
“You’re sitting here looking at me with concern and care. I have never had anyone look at me like your looking right now. I feel completely overwhelmed with emotions. I actually feel something right now. Do you know how long I have waited for this day to happen?”
It was right here that I knew maybe I had always been in love with Ryder. Maybe there was always something about him that drew me into him and forced us to get together. Maybe I
always loved him from the start but I was just trying to push him away. I was scared of letting go and telling my story. I was scared he was going to look at me differently. But just because I was scared doesn’t mean that I wasn’t in love. It was only now that I realized I think I had been in love with Ryder all along. All it took was finally opening up and telling him my story that I realized how much I actually did love him.
“I told you that I wouldn’t leave you Harper. Your past tells a story of who you are but it doesn’t define you. In fact, I think I might have fallen even more in whatever this is
I have with you.”
I blushed
, my cheeks flushing red as the tears continued to roll down. I was overjoyed that someone was finally able to understand where I was coming from and understood who I was.
“But aren’t you scared that I am a criminal?”
“Harper, I have secrets, deep and dark secrets too and when the time comes to tell you everything I have, I would hope that you don’t judge me for what I did in my past.”
I started to speak, but he interrupted, “Plus, you were not a criminal. You were a victim and I am sick to think that no one else saw that.”
“Skye would hate me if she knew. She would look at me differently and I just don’t want the pity. It’s the pity that drives me crazy. I hate when people think I am a different person because of what happened to me and I was so scared that you were going to look at me like that.”
“I know what you
’re saying. When I left home and lost my football career, everyone that followed me started looking at me like I was some sort of a failure, but in reality, it was just a small fraction of what happened to me. I am not who I am today because of what I experienced in my past.”
“Yes, that’s exactly it! That is exactly what I mean. It’s that look when people look at you like, oh you poor thing. You want to shake them and tell them that you are okay and everything is fine, but they just don’t seem to understand.”
“See, we are much more alike than you first thought. We both have failed the people that were supposed to love us unconditionally. Somehow this has brought us together. Somewhere in the universe, there is something or someone that brought us together.” His voice slightly broke in the middle of his sentence as he choked on his words.
“Now please can we eat, you look
starved,” he muffled getting up from the table to find the waiter outside. When he came back our food arrived, hot and steamy.
“I am pretty hungry,
” I said stuffing a large piece of spaghetti in my mouth. It was absolutely delicious, sending my taste buds in a flurry. There was a seafood explosion in my mouth and suddenly I felt as if everything was heightened around me. I felt happiness, I was eating wonderful food and actually enjoy it. I wanted desperately to call Skye and tell her that everything was okay and she was right. I was happy-something happened, but I am okay.
“Do you mind if I shoot Skye a quick text?” I asked knowing it was impeccably rude to just start te
xting someone during the middle of dinner.