Sex Snob (24 page)

He scoffed.
“What
I
want? I thought it was what
we
wanted.”

“You thought wrong.
We
clearly don’t want the same things.” My words held a detachment that surprised even me. I was being cruel, but it was better to warn him off now than hurt him later.

He winced slightly at my words, but recovered quickly, tension returning to his jaw.
“What do
you
want?”

My initial reaction was to be childish and tell him that I had asked him first.
But I owed him this. And I also figured that it would be easier to lie
before
I heard what he had to say. “I want to be your friend. I thought I was clear about that. I told you my rules, Shane. I never lied to you.”
Except right now, that is.
“You knew where I stood.”

He thought for a moment before starting toward me, closing the gap between us in milliseconds. “After everything we shared, everything we
felt
—and don’t give me some bullshit about you not feeling anything. I know you did. After all of that, you’re really going to use your rules to push me away?” His voice was pleading and it nearly broke me.

Nearly.

I couldn’t continue this for much longer. I already felt the stinging behind my eyes, warning me that tears were imminent. I had to end this. “I don’t need to push away something that I never wanted.” My stomach dropped at the words, sickening me for letting them out of my mouth. Part of me wished that he could see through them. That he would know how untrue they were. But he didn't.

His eyes widened and he reeled back like I’d slapped him.
But the shock of what I said was almost instantly replaced. Now, Shane was pissed. “So you didn’t want what happened Saturday?”

“I wanted the sex.
And I still want your friendship, though I know that’s impossible now.” My voice was completely devoid of emotion, but my body was wracked with it.

“I don’t . . . I don’t even know what to say to that.”

“Shane, I . . ." I made a step toward him, lifted my hand as if to touch him, and briefly let my sadness show. But he tensed at my approach and I halted. I dropped my head. As my brain desperately tried to find the right words to say, all that came to mind was the note Nate had left me. I lifted my head as tears swam in my eyes. But I didn’t care if Shane saw them. I wanted him to know my remorse. My regret that I wasn’t a better person. “I can’t pretend to feel something that I don’t.”

My rules had backfired.
Instead of keeping me safe from guys like Nate, they had turned me into him. Now the only thing left to do was run like he had.

So I did.

***

I fled from Shane's office, briefly looking to my right on my way toward the exit. My eyes zeroed in on Kyle, Kate and Lily standing about ten feet from the office, seemingly to form a barrier that prevented the other members from eavesdropping on Shane and me. Despite seeing concern in their eyes, I didn't slow down. I threw open the door and stalked toward Lily's car.

Lily followed right behind, and I immediately jumped in the car when she unlocked the door, pulling my knees up against my chest to hug them. Lily glanced over at me, but said nothing as she started the car and backed out of the space. I stared out of the windshield wondering what the hell I had just done. The things I had said would cause Shane to want nothing to do with me ever again. And while my mind tried to convince my heart that this was all for the best, my heart just wasn't having it.

So, as we pulled away from CrossFit Force, and effectively away from Shane, I lost myself to the emotional torrent that had been building since Saturday. I sobbed for everything I had willingly allowed myself to lose, all because I was too scared to keep it.

Twelve

After my “break-up” with Shane, the only thing that seemed clear to me was that I couldn’t go back to CrossFit.
I couldn’t see his broken expression every time I worked out, so I did the only thing a normal, completely sane human being would do: I joined another gym.

Though I was still paying my membership fee at CrossFit, I was happy to pay any amount of money to avoid another encounter like the one in Shane’s office.
Over the course of the next two weeks, I tried to familiarize myself with Everyday Fitness, my new gym. Strangely enough, it felt like I was cheating on CrossFit. The hardcore industrial feel I was used to was replaced with a commercial, franchised, hoity-toity atmosphere. However, the one benefit to Everyday Fitness was that it gave me time to people-watch. At CrossFit, I had been too busy actually exercising to take in my surroundings.

I felt oddly out of place in my T-shirt and mesh shorts at Everyday Fitness.
Most of the women there sported brand name coordinated workout gear, and some even wore makeup. I guess they were trying to impress the greased up meatheads who strutted around with their chests out and abs clenched. Many of them didn’t even use spotters when they benched massive amounts of weight.

Since I didn’t have a trainer to motivate/yell at me, I stayed mainly to the treadmill, bike, and a few of the weight machines.
On Wednesday, I had finally hit my stride on the treadmill as I approached the thirty minute mark. Suddenly, I heard such overly exaggerated grunting, I momentarily thought that maybe Zach had been banging one of the heavily made-up bimbos on the rowing machine nearby. As I turned toward the sound, I saw one of the leathery jocks pushing hundreds of pounds above his head. He clearly struggled to put the weight up once, but thankfully (for me) he decided to go for a second time . . . without a spotter. Just as the bar reached its highest point, he sneezed, causing the bar to come crashing down on his bulky chest.

Unfortunately, that was as exciting as Everyday Fitness ever got, and I had a feeling that the “everyday” part would soon turn to “hardly ever.”

***

By Friday I was exhausted:
physically, emotionally, mentally. The more I worked, the less I thought about Shane. So I’d been working a
lot
. I’d also been going to my new gym every day to make Lily and Kyle think I liked it there, so they’d stop worrying. But I didn’t like it and they didn’t stop worrying.

By 8:30, I was on the couch in my pajamas, lost in
Breyer’s ice cream and DVR’ed episodes of
Sons of Anarchy
.

“Why are you already in your pajamas eating an entire carton of ice cream?”
The voice startled me.

Oh shit!
I was busted. Lily was supposed to be out for the night, but there she stood, towering over me, her hazel eyes passing judgment on me and my carton of vanilla. “Um . . . because it’s America’s favorite. It says so. See?” I pointed to the side of the carton. "And why are you home? I’m trying to watch Jax in peace.” I motioned with my spoon, signaling it was time for her to leave me alone.

“Don’t be a smartass.
I just got back from CrossFit. I’m going out in a bit.” Her eyes narrowed and she visibly softened, a look of concern spreading across her face. “But by the looks of you, I actually don’t think I’m going anywhere. I’ve let this go on long enough . . . you, avoiding Shane . . . avoiding me . . . avoiding your own feelings. Let me take a shower. I’ll be out in ten minutes. You better be ready to talk then.” She turned to make her way down the hall. “And you better save me some of that ice cream,” she yelled as she shut the bathroom door.

I slid a few more spoonfuls of
Breyer’s down my throat as I fantasized about Jax.
Holy hell, is he hot! What will we do with the car seats when I give birth to all of his babies? They certainly won’t fit on the back of his motorcycle.

I knew what I was doing:
I was avoiding. I would be forced to face my feelings once Lily returned, so I basked in my last few minutes of denial. Besides, I had gotten damn good at avoiding my feelings the past few weeks.
Why stop now?
Practice makes perfect, right?

“So,” Lily said, drying her hair with a towel as she handed me a bottle of wine and a corkscrew with her other hand, “may as well complete the cliché.
It looks like Lifetime’s filming a made-for-TV movie in our living room.” She pointed to my disheveled appearance and the nearly empty container of ice cream. “I’ll get us some glasses.”

“You don’t have to stay here with me, you know.
Didn’t you have a date or something?”

“Or something,” she said with a shrug.
“But you’re more important.” The glass nearly spilled as she handed it to me.

“Jeez, full much?”

“Something tells me you’re gonna need it. You’ll be thanking me later.”

I raised my eyebrows to let her know that I probably wouldn’t.
“So . . . what
is
this? What are we doing here?” I gestured back and forth between us with my free hand. “We’re just supposed to have some girl chat and everything’ll be okay? This isn’t some romantic comedy. I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell you that’s gonna be so eye-opening.” My tone was sarcastic, and I shook my head, letting her know that I was already annoyed.

“Just be honest with me.”
She let out her breath. “But it’s more important that you’re honest with yourself.”

“I’m gonna need to drink this before
that
conversation can happen,” I said holding up my glass.

“That’s fine,” she said with a smile as she grabbed the ice cream off the coffee table and settled back into the fluffy gray cushions.
“I got all night. Take all the time you need.”

I rolled my eyes and downed the rest of my wine in gulps.
There was no reason to drag this out any longer than necessary.

Lily sipped on her wine slowly, eating a spoonful of ice cream every now and then as she waited patiently for me to begin.

“It’s like . . . that one night . . . after the wedding,” I nearly whispered, “it’s like it was too much and not enough at the same time. I don’t even know how to explain it.” I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, trying to maintain my composure. “But we won’t work!” I blurted out suddenly. “Me and Shane . . . it’ll be the same shit I went through with Nate all over again.”

Lily took my glass from my hands and refilled it.
“What makes you say
that
?” 

It was a simple question.
But for some reason, I struggled to answer it. In my heart, I knew Shane was nothing like Nate. Unfortunately, the same could not be said about me. I had lied to Shane. I had hurt him for no reason. “Rule Number 2,” I answered, as if that was a sufficient explanation.

“God, you and
your fucking rules,” she groaned. “Enough with that bullshit already.”

“It’s not bullshit.
We both know I have a reason for my rules.”

“Yeah, you do.
It’s called fear. You’re scared of what’ll happen if you open yourself up to someone. Your rules are just some stupid ass excuse for you to avoid feeling anything for anyone.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
And she didn't. My rules hadn't prevented me from feeling something for Shane. All I'd done the past two weeks was feel.

“Yeah?
Rule Number 1: Always sleep with someone by the fourth date.” Her voice was even. “That way sex doesn’t have to mean anything. God forbid you wait ‘til you actually give a shit about the person before you sleep with him.”

I stayed silent, unable to find the right words to properly defend myself.

“Rule Number 2 . . . ,” she continued before I cut her off.

“Rule Number
2 is valid, and you know it.”

“Rule Number
2,” she repeated sternly. “Don’t date anyone who makes less money than you. Go ahead and rule out half the fucking male population with that one, why don’t you.” Her voice grew louder as she spoke. “Nate was an insecure asshole. That’s why he left you. It had nothing to do with how much money you made. If it wasn’t the money, it would have been something else.” Her voice softened. “Shane isn’t Nate,” she added. I recognized the emotion on her face: disappointment. “And Rule Number 3 might be the most ridiculous one yet. Don’t kiss in bars? What kind of rule is that anyway?”

“A good one.
And I’ve recently changed it to include not kissing
anywhere
in public. It’s disgusting”

“No.
It’s not,” she said firmly. “I’ll tell you what it is, though. Showing affection publicly is open . . . and honest. It lets people know that you care about someone. But if other people know you care, then
you
have to acknowledge
you care. All of your rules . . . you just made them up to protect yourself. You know what your father did to your mom. And you know what Nate did to you. But they're not representative of
all
men.” She paused as if she’d just realized something. “It’s ironic, don’t you think? That by trying to protect yourself, all you do is hurt yourself instead?”

“Seriously, Lily?
You’ve got a lot of nerve sitting here on your fucking soapbox preaching to me about relationships. Did you forget how you fucked up your whole life last spring?” I knew I was hitting below the belt, but it was fight or flight. And I had fled enough lately.

Surprisingly Lily didn’t fight back.
“That’s exactly why I’m telling you this. I made a big fucking mistake. It’s
my
fault I’m alone right now. And I don’t want the same thing to happen to you.” She reached out to grab my hand, effectively relieving some of my anger. “If I learned one thing from what happened to me, it’s that you need to give people a chance . . . to be what they want to be to you. You didn’t even give Shane a
chance
to break your heart.” There was pain in her eyes as she said it. I knew as well as she did that she wasn’t just talking about me and Shane. “And you sure as hell didn’t give him a chance to
heal
it.”

Air filled my lungs deeply before I let out a long sigh.
“So you’re saying people deserve a second chance?” My tone was cynical.

“Some people do
. But
everyone
at least deserves a first.”