"The police
analysed the substance found on Sister Mary's habit and discovered
it to be sperm, so who on earth was responsible?"
"Perhaps the
police were mistaken and the substance was face cream or..."
"I very much
doubt that the police made a mistake, Doctor!"
"Presumably,
Sister Mary won't discuss the matter?"
"No, she
won't. She's been confined to her room."
"Oh, has
she?"
"Yes, she's
been locked in."
"For how
long?"
"Indefinitely!
Until I get to the bottom of this, that's where she'll stay, away
from men's... away from men."
"Well, I'd
better be getting back to my practice, Mother Barren-Womb. I'm
pleased that we've cleared the air," Larry smiled, rising to his
feet and moving to the door.
"As am I,
Doctor - as am I. By the way, Jenny Faggot's father contacted me
again. He told me that he'd been completely wrong about you.
Apparently, after speaking to Jenny again about her visit to your
establishment, he was most impressed with you."
"Oh, good! So,
that's another misunderstanding... I mean, another problem sorted
out." Discretely taking the bag from his pocket, he dropped it
behind a picture of the Pope standing on a small table by the door.
"Well, I'd better get back to work, I suppose."
"Yes, thank
you for calling, Doctor."
"Not at all,
goodbye, Mother Superfluous... Superior."
Leaving the
study, the heady fragrance of girls filling his nostrils, Larry
decided to nose around the convent. Although the laundry room with
its stained knickers played heavily on his mind, he went in search
of Sister Mary's room, wondering whether it would be wise to
release her, let her run free. With her vows broken and the
Reverend Mother out to prove her carnal ways and shame her, he was
sure the young nun would welcome her emancipation.
Creeping up a
huge oak staircase, Larry found himself standing at the end of a
long hallway lined with doors. It looked promising, he mused,
tentatively opening each door as he walked down the hall. Trying a
locked door, he smiled, noticing a key hanging on a hook. This must
be it, he concluded unlocking and opening the door.
"Doctor!"
Sister Mary cried from her bed, her tearful eyes smiling,
glimmering with hope. "What are you doing...?"
"Shush! I've
come to rescue you," he replied. "Do you have any clothes other
than your habit?"
"Yes, I have
the clothes I wore when I first came here."
"Good, get
changed and we'll sneak out."
"How did you
find me?" she asked, opening a cupboard and taking out a dress and
a pair of high-heal shoes.
"I came to
talk to Mother Barren-Womb, she told me that you were confined to
your room, so here I am."
"I'm never
coming back here!" she asserted as she tugged her habit over her
head. "Never in a million years! I'm going to get a job and..."
"I'm pleased
to hear it, but we've got to get you out of here first."
"There's a
fire escape, we'll go that way," she said excitedly, slipping into
the tight red dress. "OK, I'm ready when you are."
Following the
girl down the hall and through a fire exit, Larry descended the
iron steps, praying that the Reverend Mother wouldn't catch him in
his act of rescuing the damsel in distress. He knew that DI Clarke
would be called in the minute the nun's escape had been discovered,
but he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.
"Quickly, into
my car," he whispered, creeping round the front of the building and
opening the passenger door. "We're out of here!"
"God help us
if someone sees us!" she breathed, gazing up at the rows of windows
as Larry jumped in beside her and started the engine.
"I don't think
God will help!" Larry laughed, turning the car round and speeding
down the winding drive. "We're in the hands of Satan now!"
Pulling up
outside his house, Larry gave the girl the front door key and told
her to make herself at home. I'll see you around five-thirty," he
smiled as she climbed out of the car. "Don't answer the phone or
the door, OK?"
"OK," she
replied, dashing up the path.
Returning to
his practice and parking his car, Larry wondered how long it would
take DI Clarke to pay him a visit concerning Sister Mary's
absconding. Entering the building, he wasn't in the least surprised
to discover the detective hovering in reception. Lily making a
hasty retreat to the waiting room, Larry approached the suited man
to face the music.
"Ah, Doctor
Lickman, might I have another word with you?" the sleuth asked.
"Yes, of
course, Inspector - come to my consulting room. I've just been to
the convent and had a talk with the Reverend Mother," he said
calmly, walking through the door and sitting at his desk. "We had
quite an interesting chat."
"Yes, I know,
she rang me. Doctor Lickman, I'm here because the nun, Sister Mary,
has left the convent, yet again. But this time, she had an
accomplice."
"An
accomplice?"
"Yes,
according to Mother Barren-Womb, she was locked in her room
and..."
"The Reverend
Mother was locked in her room? Oh, the poor woman!"
"No, Sister
Mary was locked in her room."
"What was she
doing in the Reverend Mother's room?"
"She was
locked in her own room. Someone took the key from the hook outside
the door and released the nun."
"Had the nun
been imprisoned?"
"Yes, by the
Reverend Mother for her wantonness."
"Goodness me,
it sounds as if the convent's a prison!"
"The Reverend
Mother had good reason to lock the Sister in her room. The reason
that I'm here is because the nun's disappearance coincides with
your visit to the convent."
"Well, all I
did was talk to the Revered Mother in her study, and then leave the
building and drive straight back here. I've had nothing to do with
disappearing nuns, I can assure you!"
"I'll decide
whether or not you've had anything to do with disappearing nuns,
Doctor Lickman. Now, you say that you drove straight back
here?"
"Well, not
straight back, exactly."
"Ah, so you
went somewhere else first?"
"No, I
didn't."
"But you just
said that you didn't come straight back."
"I had to go
round corners, follow the road - it's the law. I thought you would
have been aware of that seeing as you're a..."
"Please, don't
play games with me, Doctor!"
"Sorry."
"Did you
notice anyone in the vicinity of the convent when you left?"
"Yes, there
was a young woman walking down the drive."
"What was she
wearing, can you remember?"
"Er... a
dress, a red dress."
"That's what
Sister Mary was wearing when she escaped from the building. You
didn't offer the woman a lift, did you?"
"A lift? Good
grief, no!"
"Why put it
like that?"
"I never offer
young women lifts, Inspector! What with the things you read in the
papers, well, I..."
"Yes, quiet.
I've ordered a man hunt to..."
"Don't you
mean a girl cunt... girl hunt?"
"I know what I
mean, Doctor! My men are combing the area, searching for the girl,
as we speak. Did you climb the stairs to the nuns' nunneries?"
"The nuns'
nunneries?"
"Their rooms,
their bedrooms."
"No, no I
didn't. I had no reason to climb the stairs to the nunneries."
"This is all
too coincidental for my liking, Doctor. We have several cases all
appertaining to one nun. There's the case of the nun who visited
you and removed her habit for an examination, the case of the
spermed habit, the case of the missing nun, and now the case of the
escaping nun. I'm nun too happy... I mean, none too happy, as you
can imagine."
"Indeed, I
can, Inspector. In my considered opinion, I'd say that... oh,
excuse me," Larry smiled as the phone rang. "Hallo," he replied,
lifting the receiver. "Yes, he's here. I'll put him on. It's for
you, Inspector."
Taking the
phone, DI Clarke cleared his throat. "Clarke speaking. Attacked in
the street? In broad daylight? Did she get a good look at her
attacker? Damn it! So, the photographs were stolen? No, no leave it
to me. All right, goodbye." Replacing the receiver, he frowned at
Larry. "It would seem that Mrs Cology was attacked a short distance
away from the police station. Her handbag was snatched."
"Good
grief!"
"The bag
contained the pornographic photographs, allegedly taken by
you."
"Bloody thugs!" Larry grunted. "I blame the parents."
Well done, Brigit!
"Again, rather
coincidental, don't you agree?"
"How do you
mean, Inspector?"
"Well, the nun
escaped when you were at the convent, her habit was sperm-stained
during the time she was away from the convent visiting you, the bag
containing the photographic evidence you was stolen..."
"I can see
that you're pointing the finger at me, but..."
"I don't point
fingers, Doctor Lickman. And I must say that the long arm of
coincidence isn't that long!"
"May I ask you
something inspector?"
"Yes, of
course."
"If you were
to discover a man and a woman naked in a cornfield, what would you
suppose they were doing?"
"That's easy -
in my considered opinion, I'd say they were planning an armed
robbery."
"If you saw
two men entering a public toilet cubical together, what would you
think they were up to?"
"Fighting over
the only available cubical and causing an affray. I'd be obliged to
arrest them and charge them accordingly."
"So what are
your conclusions as far as Sister Mary, is concerned?"
"I conclude
that she's up to something of a grim and sordid nature."
"Have you come
to any conclusions where I'm concerned?"
"Yes, I have.
I always look for a common denominator, Doctor, and in this case,
the common denominator is you."
"But, surely,
it's the nun?"
"No, the nun
had nothing to do with the bag snatch."
"Neither did
I!"
"And she had
nothing to do with the accusations Mrs Moodie made, or Mrs Cology
and her daughter, for that matter."
"But you've
already taken Mrs Moodie in and charged her with..."
"Can you
explain these, Doctor Lickman?"
Gazing in
horror as the detective removed a pair of convent knickers and a
pair of red panties from a plastic bag, Larry cringed. Obviously,
the sleuth had ransacked Larry's desk drawer, and come up
trumps.
"Yes, I can
explain them," Larry smiled. "The red panties belong to my
secretary, Brigit, and the grey knickers were left here by a sixth
form girl from the convent."
"Why would she
leave her knickers here, Doctor?"
"Because...
because she'd changed to go on to a netball match and she dropped
them on her way out. I put them in the drawer for safe
keeping."
"The name tag
reads, Jenny Faggot. You do realize that I'll have to check your
story of the alleged netball match, don't you?"
"Yes, of
course."
"I'll have a
word with the Reverend Mother about netball matches and ascertain
whether Jenny Faggot is in the team and when she last played. I'll
be in touch, Doctor. Good day to you."
"Yes, er...
good day, Inspector."
Watching the
man stuff the knickers into the plastic bag and leave the room,
Larry grabbed the bottle of scotch from the drawer and took a swig.
"Hell's bells!" he cursed. "I'm fucked, I'm well and truly fucked!"
At least Brigit had managed to snatch the bag containing the
photographs, Larry mused. But what with the police hunting for
Sister Mary and Jenny's convent knickers, things weren't looking to
good. "I'm well and truly fucked rotten!"
Answering the
phone as he entered his consulting room the following morning,
Larry wasn't at all surprised to hear Monica's angry voice
bellowing in his ear. "I've really got something on you now!" she
hissed. "I can't prove that you arranged to have Gina's bag
snatched as she was on her way to the police station with the
photographs, but I've got something far better on you now!"
"Goodness me,
Monica, you don't give up easily, do you? Why don't you..."
"I never give
up! I know that you've had two wives, and that you weren't divorced
from the first one when you married the second!"
Fucking bloody hell!
"Er...
two..."
Fuck me backwards!
"Two wives, Monica?"
"Yes, two
wives - you bigamist!"
"I think you
must have your knickers in a twist! Try pulling them out of your
arse crack!"
"My God, you
disgust me!"
"As always, I
aim to displease, Monica. You're not ringing from Loony Lane
Mansion, are you?"
"Of course I'm
not!"
"Tell me,
how's your lesbian relationship with Gina?"
"I don't have
a... I've just been in touch with your wives and told them where
you are, where you work and where you live. They were very eager to
talk to you. In fact, they're on their way to see you now."
"From whom did
you hear these malicious lies of a most disturbing and malicious
nature, Monica?"
"From the
private detective Gina and I employed. Apparently, you have a
string of debts, too."
"I'm only
indebted to you, Monica."
"What?"
"I'm indebted
to you for the years of joy and happiness you brought me when you
worked for me."
"Joy and
happiness?"
"My mistake, I
meant, sorrow and grief."
"You brought
me more sorrow and grief than you'll ever know!"