"Yes, cloak
and dagger stuff. As I told you on Friday, the Reverend Mother
Barren-Womb has made a serious allegation concerning you."
"Yes, yes,
yes! Look, don't you think this is all getting out of hand?"
"I do, Doctor!
As you know, I've received complaints of a most serious and
disturbing nature from Mrs Cology, Christine Cology, Mrs Moodie -
and now from the Reverend Mother. It's completely out of hand!"
"Look,
Inspector, I'm a busy man so..."
"I, too, am a
very busy man, Doctor. The nun, Sister Mary, came here to see you
in connection with her dizzy spells. Allegedly, she was
examined..."
"Yes, I did
have cause to examine her."
"You admit to
examining her?"
"Yes."
"So far so
good. During the examination, did you interfere with her private
parts?"
"It depends on what you mean by
interfere
."
"Going above
and beyond your duty, Doctor Lickman, that's what I mean by..."
"Above and
beyond my duty?"
"It's one
thing for a doctor to physically examine a young lady, and another
when he oversteps the mark and the examination becomes sexually
motivated, sexually orientated."
"The nun in question was suffering from a rare vaginal
complaint known as
virginitis
. The condition was easily
cured, but it necessitated an examination of an internal nature. To
put it in layman's terms, I had to push my fingers into her vaginal
canal. If you call that interfering with her private parts then,
yes, I am guilty as charged - guilty of carrying out my job in a
professional manner."
"I have here
in this bag a habit belonging to the nun in question, Doctor
Lickman. As you will notice, there's a white stain, just
there."
"Yes, I can
see it," Larry replied, gazing at the garment.
"The stain, as
you can see, is near to the neck band, suggesting that whatever
produced the substance was close to the nun's head when the
smearing of the habit occurred."
"Yes, a good
deduction."
"I've had the
substance analysed."
"Oh,
shit!"
"No, it's not
shit, Doctor - it's sperm."
"Sperm?
Goodness me, how ever could sperm get onto a nun's habit?"
"That's what
I'd like to know. Did the nun remove her habit for the
examination?"
"Yes, she
did."
"Where the
sperm came from, and why, is a matter I'll deal with later. What I
want to know is, was the sperm deposited on the habit while the nun
was wearing it, or while she was naked?"
"I fail to see
what this has to do with me, Inspector."
"Please, bear
with me, Doctor. Now, from my many years experience, I deduce that
the sperm was deposited on the nun's naked body, somewhere near to
her head, and the garment was smeared with the liquid as she
dressed."
"Why have you
come to that conclusion?"
"Sperm is
ejaculated as a result of extreme sexual arousal, as you will know
from your medical training. Extreme sexual arousal would not
normally arise from handling a nun's habit."
I wouldn't be too sure about that
.
"However, it
would arise from handling a young woman's naked body in a sexual
manner. This suggests that the extreme sexual arousal caused the
depositing of sperm on the nun's body, possibly in the region of
her neck or face, and the garment was spermed later, as she
dressed."
"Yes, I can
see your point, but I still fail to see what this has to do with
me."
"DNA tests,
Doctor Lickman, will determine who the owner of the ejaculate was
before it was ejaculated."
"Let me get
this clear. The nun, Sister Mary, has obviously taken part in some
sort of sexual activity, right?"
"Right."
"Is that
against the law?"
"No, not as
such. But..."
"Then, what is
the charge? I mean, if the nun consented to whatever sexual
activity took place, there can be no charges brought against her or
the man with whom she enjoyed the sexual activity."
"That's true,
but did she consent or not? That's the question."
"Ask her."
"I can't, she
won't discuss the matter."
"Then, why
pursue..."
"The Reverend
Mother wants me to pursue the case. When one of her nuns, who'd
been missing for several hours, returned to the convent wearing a
sperm-stained habit, she became alarmed, naturally. Nuns take vows
and, during her absence, Sister Mary had obviously broken her
vows."
"Yes, I agree,
it does look that way. But I still fail to see what all this has to
do with me. OK, a nun has broken her vows, very naughty, very bad -
but it's not my problem. Ah, Brigit!" Larry smiled. "Coffee, just
what I need!"
"Will you be
long, Doctor? We have a busy day ahead, the first client will be
here any time now," Brigit smiled, placing the tray on the
desk.
"No, I believe
we've just about finished - isn't that right, Inspector?"
"Er... yes,
yes that's right," he replied as Brigit left the room. "Doctor
Lickman, I do realize that sexual activity between two consenting
adults is legal, but it's the ethics that concern me."
"Ethics?"
"Suppose a
doctor was the nun's sexual partner - I wouldn't deem it ethical
for a doctor to take advantage of a patient, especially a nun,
would you?"
"No, I
wouldn't," Larry replied, sipping his coffee. "But it's hardly a
matter for the police."
Taking his
coffee from the tray, DI Clarke frowned at Larry, sure that he was
the nun's sexual partner, but also realizing that his questioning
he was getting him nowhere. Larry was right, the law hadn't been
broken - only the nun's vows had been shattered. Finishing his
coffee and rising to his feet, the detective smiled.
"Well, that
will be all for now," he said. "I might have cause to question you
further, Doctor."
"In connection
with what?"
"In connection
with..."
"What,
exactly, is it that you're pursuing, Inspector? What is the
case?"
"The case of
the defiled nun."
"If she's been
defiled, then it's her own doing, and no one else's concern or
business."
"Apart from
the Reverend Mother's, doctor - apart from the Reverend Mother's.
Good day to you. Oh, I might have to ask you for a sperm sample.
Good day."
Shaking his
head as DI Clarke left the room, Larry sighed. "Bloody man! Oh,
Brigit, how are things in reception?" he asked as the girl drifted
into the room.
"OK, I
suppose. There's a letter for you, it's from the Inland Revenue,"
she said, passing him a brown envelope.
"Ah, that'll
be my tax demand for zero pounds and zero pence!" he beamed,
ripping the envelope open. "Fucking bastards! Fucking cunts!" he
bellowed. "Fifty-five fucking thousand pounds!"
"But I thought
Ravenhugh was going to..."
"I'll chew his
balls off, that's what I'll do! Fucking thieves, arseholes, pricks,
wankers, cunts!"
"Calm down,
Larry!"
"Calm down?
Calm down? I'll bomb the fucking bastards, blow their fucking
Gestapo HQ to fucking bits!"
"There must be
some mistake."
"Mistake? I'll
ring that cunt Ravenhugh now and have it out with him!" he yelled,
flattening the tax demand on the desk and dialling Ravenhugh's
direct number.
"Ravenhugh
speaking," the man finally replied.
"Ravenhugh,
you dozy fart!"
"I beg your
pardon?"
"Brigit sucked
your knob off, you fucked the arse off Christine Cology, and then
you send me a fucking tax demand for over fifty fucking grand!"
"Ah, Doctor
Lickman, I presume. Take no notice of the assessment, it's purely
for the record."
"For the
record? For the fucking record? How are you going to bring the bill
down from that amount to nil?"
"Leave it with
me, I have my ways."
"You'd bloody
well better have!" Larry stormed, banging the phone down. "Fucking
cunt-headed mother-fucking bastard!"
"Oh, dear,
wrong side of the bed?" Brigit giggled as she sat on the edge of
the desk, the tight triangle of her silk panties clearly defining
her pussy crack as she opened her legs.
"I'll kill the
bastard! Why are you wearing panties?"
"I'm going to
sell them - stained panties, thirty-pounds a pair."
"Very
lucrative, I must say!"
"The trouble
is, I can only produce one pair every three days. Oh, by the way,
have you heard from Lily?"
"No, Christ
knows where she's got to. That transvestite, the so-called Miss
Slit, pulled her penis out, his penis, and terrified the life out
of her."
"She'll be
back soon enough. Oh, I almost forgot, your first clients are here
- Mr and Mrs Sopping-Gusset. Shall I send them in?"
"Oh, Christ,
they're all I need! Yes, yes, send them in, Brigit. And ring Lily,
will you? She either works here or she doesn't, I can't have her
coming and going as she pleases."
Swigging from
the scotch bottle, wondering whether to close the business down and
put an end to the continual problems, Larry sighed as the
middle-aged couple entered the room and stood before the desk. Mrs
Sopping-Gusset, with succulent red lips and long blonde hair, was
extremely attractive, Larry mused. Her husband, MP for Pissledown
South, was very well off and somewhat of a prude. The couple had
seen Larry twice before, their relationship rapidly falling apart
due to continual arguments over Mr Sopping-Gusset's long working
hours. Larry knew that he couldn't help them to repair their
marriage, but their visits paid handsomely!
"So, how are
things?" he asked as they seated themselves.
"As usual,
I've been sitting at home all week while John's been working!" Mrs
Sopping-Gusset complained.
"And, as
usual, I've been working hard to keep Bunty and her extravagant
life style!" her husband rejoined. "Doctor Lickman, what would your
reaction be if you discovered that your wife had a vibrator?"
"Well, I'd be
happy in the knowledge that she was enjoying the pleasures of
masturbation rather than going to another man for..."
"That's what I
told him!" Bunty broke in. "What does he expect me to do? He's away
in London all day and half the night, playing about in the House of
Commons, leaving me alone twiddling my thumbs."
"It's not your
thumbs you twiddle, is it?" John snapped.
"You're never
there to make love to me, so what do you expect me to do, become
celibate?"
"I don't
expect you to masturbate! I'm an MP, Bunty, I can't have a wife who
masturbates!"
"You
masturbate, so why shouldn't I?"
"That's
different, men are allowed to masturbate."
"And who made
that rule? Men, of course!"
"Well, it's
the way things are, Bunty. You masturbate, don't you, Doctor?"
"Well, I...
listen, Mr Sopping-Gusset, female masturbation is perfectly normal,
healthy, in fact."
"Only wanton
hussies use vibrators! Streetwalking strumpets, prostitutes,
trollops, harlots, hookers, sluts, whores, slag-bags... can you
imagine the Prime Minister's wife vibrating her clitoris?"
"Well, no,
but..."
"He'd never
win the next election if news spread of his wife's disgusting
behaviour with a vibrator! And if it came out that my wife
masturbates with a vibrator, I'd loose my seat! What about the
Queen? Do you think she masturbates with a vibrator? Oh, oh! One's
clitoris is arriving! God for Harry! England and Saint George! Ah,
one's arrived!"
"Oh, do shut
up, John!" Bunty hissed. "You don't know what you're talking
about!"
"Well, I don't
suppose the Queen..." Larry began.
"There you are, then!" John cried triumphantly. "There'd be
anarchy if news broke of the Queen's masturbatory habits. What
would the Sunday papers have to say about it?
Queen has a buzz in the boudoir
."
"Let's leave
the dignitary out of this, Mr Sopping-Gusset."
"Why? The
Queen has a clitoris, she's a woman, so why leave her out of the
discussion?"
"Because she
has nothing to do with the problems you and your wife are
experiencing. Tell me, Bunty, how often do you masturbate?"
"Every day,
sometimes twice."
"Disgusting!"
John exclaimed. "Good grief, it's..."
"As you're
hell-bent on exposing my private life, I think Doctor Lickman
should know what you get up to!" Bunty interrupted her husband.
"I don't get
up to anything!"
"No? What
about pulling my dirty panties over your head and
masturbating?"
"I have
never..."
"I've often
spied through the keyhole and seen you rummaging through the linen
basket! You pull my dirty panties over your face and
masturbate."
"Bunty, how
can you tell such blatant lies?"
"It's the
truth!"
"OK, Bunty,
let's talk about you and cucumbers."
"Cucumbers?"
"Yes, I'm
pretty good at spying through keyholes, too! What you did with that
cucumber yesterday afternoon was obscene."
"We had
cucumber sandwiches for high tea. I used the cucumber to make
sandwiches."
"Yes, and I'll
tell you why I didn't eat any, because the cucumber was still
steaming hot from your pussy! What Lord and Lady Sodomite-Brown
must have thought, I have no idea!"
"Are you
implying that I stick cucumbers up my..."
"I'm not
implying, I'm stating a fact!"
"Please!"
Larry sighed. "Please, stop bickering! We'll get nowhere by
arguing. Now, Mrs Sopping-Gusset, let's play truth or dare."
"I haven't
come here to play silly games!"