Selby's Stardom (7 page)

‘This crown belonged to my great great great great grandson before she was one hundred,' the Count explained. ‘The other crowns belong to my seventeen wives.'

‘His wife,' the Countess said. ‘That's me.'

‘It's got seven hundred jewel and it's worth two cents,' the Count said.

‘Very nice,' Mrs Trifle said politely. ‘Thank you so much for showing them to us.'

‘I love to have house guests,' the Countess said. ‘It gives me a chance to go out and play Bingo in town. My husband isn't very good at it because of all the numbers. Would you like to come with me?'

‘Well, yes, we would,' Mrs Trifle said.

‘Good, then we'll leave my husband alone with the dog so he can get used to him.'

That evening, Selby and the Count were left alone in the Great Hall while the others were out. The Count repeatedly moved closer to pat Selby but then backed off.

‘You're not going to bite me, are you?' the Count asked.

‘Well, no, I'm not,' Selby thought (he didn't say it), ‘and I'm not going to talk to you either. I did it once but that was because it was an emergency.'

‘I give up,' the Count said. ‘I'm going to bed.'

‘I can't believe this guy,' Selby thought, as he curled up by the fire. ‘He isn't trying at all to get over his fear. I'd like to help him but if that's the best he can come up with then what can I do?'

Selby fell into a light sleep but soon woke up.

‘Oh bother,' he thought. ‘I've got to go to the loo. I can't get out of the castle so I'll have to use a people-loo.'

Selby wandered off down the darkened corridor until he found a door with a scribbled sign on it that said,' Man Toilets'.

‘I guess that's for me.'

Selby pushed open the door only to find the startled Count sitting on the toilet.

‘Help! Help!' the Count yelled, hopping past Selby as he tried to pull his pants up. ‘Get away from me!'

With this, the Count bolted off down the corridor.

‘Hey, Count!' Selby said in a stern voice. ‘It's only me. I'm not going to hurt you.'

Seeing Selby coming towards him, the Count backed through a doorway.

‘Count Karnht! Not that one,' Selby yelled. ‘That's the Crown Room! You'll set off the alarm!'

Selby raced after him. Inside, huddled in the corner was the terrified Count with one hand covering his eyes. Suddenly, there was a beep beep beep from the alarm system.

‘You have to put in the secret code number quickly or the alarm will go off,' Selby said.

The Count slowly spread his fingers and looked at Selby. But before he could get up bells suddenly started ringing, sirens sirened, and lights flashed. Selby spun around as quickly as a
ballet dancer and headed for the door but he was too slow. Security bars suddenly dropped down in the doorway, trapping Selby and the Count inside the Crown Room.

All at once the bells and sirens stopped and the telephone rang. The Count picked it up.

‘Yes, of course I know the secret code number,' he said. ‘It's —'

‘Don't say the wrong number! Give me that,' Selby said, snatching the phone out of the Count's hand. Then, putting on his best Count Karhnt imitation voice, Selby said, ‘The secret code number is 1—2—3—4.'

‘Did you say 1—2—3—4?' a voice asked.

‘Yes. It was all a big mistake,' Selby said.

‘Is this really Count Karnht?'

‘Of course it is!' Selby said, slipping back into his own voice.

‘Then how did you get the secret code number right?'

‘I just did, that's all.'

‘I don't believe you. If you'd have said any number but 1—2—3—4 I might have believed you but you didn't. So say your prayers, robber, because we're on our way!'

Click.

‘Gulp,' Selby said. ‘What did he mean, “Say your prayers?”'

The Count heaved a sigh.

‘He meant that they're going to kill us.'

‘But they can't do that,' Selby protested. ‘You're the head of the whole country.'

‘I know what these guys are like. In about two minutes the Captain of the Guard and his men will come crashing in here in their black uniforms and they'll throw in stun grenades. These guys shoot first and ask questions later. I'm afraid that we won't have a chance to explain.'

‘Double gulp,' Selby said.

‘You never should have said 9—6—7—1,' the Count said.

‘But I didn't. I said 1–2–3–4.'

‘That's what I said you said: 2–2–3–7.'

‘Oh, this is hopeless,' Selby snapped at the Count. ‘Can't you learn to say 1–2–3–4? Here, lets start with one. Say one.'

‘Two.'

‘No, say
one.
‘

‘Seventeen.'

‘This is useless. I'll tell you what,' Selby said. ‘I'll tell them that I'm the one who gave the secret code on the phone.'

‘Great idea!' the Count said.

‘But there is a problem. I don't want anyone to know that I can talk,' Selby said. ‘I'm the only talking dog in Australia — and probably Tallstoria — and even maybe the world, but I'm keeping it a secret.'

‘Surely the Trifles know.'

‘Nope.'

‘Why don't you want anyone to know?'

‘Because I don't want to be famous. I just want to be left alone.'

‘I know exactly what you mean. There are times when I hate being famous.'

‘Hey! I've got a better idea,' Selby said. ‘Why don't I answer for both of us …'

Minutes later, the Captain of the Guard was at the door with all his men.

‘Get ready to die, you imposter!' he cried.

‘Don't shoot!' Count Karnht said. ‘I am the real Count and I order you to raise these bars immediately!'

‘You look like Count Karnht but you can't be
him or you wouldn't have been able to say the secret code number.'

‘Oh, yeah?' the Count said. ‘Listen to this …' There was a short silence and then Count Karnht's mouth moved and out came the numbers ‘1—2—3—4'.

‘I beg your pardon?'

‘I learnt it,' Count Karnht said excitedly. ‘It's … 1-2–3–4.'

‘So you did,' the Captain of the Guard said, unlocking the grille. ‘This is a miracle!'

‘Yes it is,' Count Karnht said proudly.

Selby peeked out from behind the stand that held the royal crowns to see the Captain of the Guard raise the bars.

In a few minutes, Selby sat in front of a log fire with Count Karnht.

‘You don't scare me anymore,' the Count said, patting him. ‘I think I was so frightened of getting killed that I forgot to be frightened of you.'

‘Well, I'm glad of that,' Selby said.

‘And thank you for saying the words for me,' Count Karnht said. ‘You saved my life — again.'

‘Anytime, Count,' Selby said, ‘but you'd better learn the secret code number before this happens again or you'll be in big trouble.'

‘I think I know it now,' Count Karnht said. ‘One …'

‘That's good. What comes next?'

‘Two …'

‘And then?'

‘Three …'

‘Very good, Count!' Selby said. ‘One more number and you'll have it.'

‘Nine!' the Count said.

‘Well, not quite,' Selby said.

‘But I'm getting there, aren't I,' the Count said excitedly. ‘Any day now I'll be able to say 1–2–3–4.'

‘You said it!' Selby cried. ‘You took the words right out of my mouth. Only that time you didn't have to.'

‘I've invented a new kind of cat,' Dr Trifle announced, carrying a cat from his workroom.

‘You can't just
invent
cats,' Mrs Trifle asked. ‘Besides, that one looks just like Postie Paterson's cat, Ray.'

‘Well, he sort of is but I've changed him,' Dr Trifle said. ‘Give him a pat and you'll see.'

Mrs Trifle patted Ray and he began to purr. And just when the purring began, Ray's lips suddenly curled up into a warm, friendly smile.

‘Good lord!' Mrs Trifle shrieked. ‘Look! He's smiling!'

‘Exactly!' said Dr Trifle, smiling himself.

‘I can't believe it! I just can't believe it!'

‘I can't believe it either,' Selby thought. ‘I've never seen anything like it.'

‘What have you done to him?' Mrs Trifle shrieked.

Slowly, Ray's smile faded.

‘I've turned him into a Happy Cat,' Dr Trifle explained, stroking the cat and watching as he smiled again. ‘Everybody who wants a cat will buy one of these. The way I look at it is this: we keep pets to make us happy. We make
them
happy by feeding them and cuddling them and patting them and they make
us
happy by showing us that they're happy. Cats purr to tell us they're happy. This cat not only purrs but it smiles back at us and makes us feel even happier.'