Selby's Stardom (12 page)

‘Selby.'

‘Selby. Sellllllllllllby. A gorgeous name for a handsome dog.'

Shotgun Sally reached down and patted Selby. Then she gave him a big, embarrassing kiss on the forehead.

‘Gosh,' Selby thought. ‘She isn't so terrible after all. She really is a sweet little old lady.'

All that week, the old woman took Selby for long walks along Bogusville Creek and all around town. Selby started to feel very close to her. ‘She talks to me as if I'm a friend,' he thought.

One day Sally said, ‘Hey, what do you say we go to the library? I need some bedtime reading.'

When they got there, instead of leaving Selby outside, the way the Trifles always did, Sally brought him right into where all the books were. Selby was delighted.

‘I love this!' Selby thought. ‘Wouldn't it be great to just pick any book I wanted and take it home and read it? Not much chance of that, I'm afraid.'

Sally carried some books home. Selby read the titles. ‘Hmmm,
How to Rob a Bank,
I can see why they wouldn't have that one in the prison library,' he chuckled to himself.
‘Bank Robbing Made Easy, Modern Bank Robbing Methods,
and
The Ins and Outs of Successful Bank Robbing.
They're not my kind of books but it's nice that Sally's found something she likes to help read herself to sleep.'

Selby woke up the next morning to the sound of the car engine starting.

‘Hey, Sally's borrowing the Trifles' car. She's going somewhere without me. Stop! I want to go too.'

Selby dashed out of the house.

‘Selby,' the old woman said. ‘You want to come along, do you? Hop in.'

They drove to a quiet street not far away. Then Shotgun Sally stopped the car.

‘You stay here,' she said. ‘I'll just be a minute.'

Shotgun Sally got out of the car and walked a short distance to where there was an expensive car parked on the street. She looked around and then bent down.

‘The way she's looking at it, she must be interested in locks on car doors,' Selby said, with a yawn. ‘Look, she's getting something out of her handbag. I wonder what she's doing?'

As Selby watched, the fog slowly lifted from his brain.

‘Good grief!' Selby said. ‘I bet she's got car-breaking-into tools in her handbag! Oh, no, she's going back to her old ways!'

Selby opened the glovebox. He knew this was where Mrs Trifle kept her mobile phone. She only used it if her car broke down.

‘I hate this,' Selby said, dialling the police, ‘but I've got to stop her or she'll end up back in jail!'

‘Bogusville Police,' a voice said. ‘Sergeant Short speaking.'
‘Emergency!' Selby said. ‘Your — I mean — a lady is about to break into a car in Cockatoo Parade.'

‘Who is this?'

‘Never mind. Just get over here!'

Selby quickly put the phone back in the glovebox. Then, to his amazement, the old woman hurried back to the Trifles' car.

‘Let's get out of here before someone calls the cops,' she said, revving up the engine.

Shotgun Sally tore off down the street and to the other side of town where she pulled in to another quiet street. She got out of the car and went up to the front of a big empty house. She peered in through the front window. Then she got something small out of her handbag.'

‘I can't see it,' Selby squealed, ‘but I reckon it's burglars' tools! She's going to break into that house!'

Selby grabbed the phone again and dialled.

‘Bogusville Police. Constable Long speaking.'

‘There's someone breaking into a house! Twenty-seven Hillview Street. Get over here and make it snappy!'

Selby was still holding the phone to his ear
when Shotgun Sally suddenly turned around and strode back towards the car.

‘She's stopped,' Selby thought. ‘She must think that someone saw her and called the cops — and she's right!'

‘We're outta here, Selby!' the woman said, jumping into the car and racing to another side of town.

This time the old woman pulled up at the front gates to Mascara Mansion and made her way up to the huge front door.

Again, Selby was on the phone.

‘Burglary!' he yelled. ‘Someone's breaking into Mascara Mansion! Drop everything and get over here!'

Once again, Shotgun Sally stopped what she was doing and got back in the car. And once again, they sped off, this time towards town.

‘Oh, no!' Selby thought as they pulled up near the Bogusville Bank.

Sally grabbed her handbag and headed down the street towards the bank.

‘She's up to her old tricks again! She pretended to break into a car and two houses so that someone would call the police and they'd
leave the station! Now she's going to rob the bank! She's getting back at her grandsons by robbing a bank right near the cop shop! And I played right into her hands!'

Again Selby grabbed the mobile.

‘Police Car Number One, Sergeant Short here.'

‘The Bogusville Bank is about to be robbed!' Selby yelled.

‘Who is this?' Sergeant Short demanded.

‘Never mind. Just come to the bank!'

Selby jumped out of the car.

‘I've got to get there before she does!' he thought as he streaked past her. ‘I've got to warn them! I've got to talk even if I give away my secret.'

Selby raced into the bank. Ahead of him was a long queue of people.

Selby cleared his throat.

‘There's about to be a stick-up!' he screamed.

The customers turned around, looking in every direction.

‘It's a stick-up!' one of the customers shouted.

‘Oh, no, a stick-up!' someone else screamed. ‘Let's get out of here!'

‘We're being robbed!' one of the tellers yelled.

Suddenly panic broke out and alarms went off. People ran out of the bank or dived to the floor and put their hands over their heads. Security screens went up between the tellers and the customers.

Then Shotgun Sally strode into the bank, holding her handbag.

‘What is going on here?' she asked.

‘There was a bank robber!' someone replied.

In that instant, Sergeant Short and Constable Long burst into the bank behind her.

‘Granny! It's you!' Constable Long yelled.

‘So, you're at it again!' her other grandson said. ‘Drop the bag and put your hands in the air, Granny!'

‘What are you boys talking about?' she asked. ‘I wasn't robbing any bank I was …' Shotgun Sally reached into her handbag.

‘She's got a gun!' Constable Long yelled. ‘Drop it, Gran, or I'll blast you!'

‘No, you won't, you silly boy,' she said, taking out a small notepad and a pencil. ‘I'll tell you why I'm in here. It's because I haven't been in a bank for many years and I was taking notes so I can write the story of my life. I was trying to remember what it was like back when I was a criminal. Now off you go, boys, the real bank robber could be miles away by now.'

‘Or maybe he just wishes he was,' Selby thought.

‘Wasn't it lovely having Shotgun Sally staying with us?' Mrs Trifle said. ‘She really was a sweet little old lady, wasn't she?'

‘She certainly was,' Dr Trifle agreed. ‘And the nice thing is that Constable Long found out while she was here that he gets to keep his job.'

‘I know,' Mrs Trifle said. ‘It seems that the police commissioner heard about our recent crime wave and thinks that Bogusville needs two police officers. Imagine having an attempted car break-in, two attempted burglaries, and an attempted bank robbery all in the space of half an hour.'

‘Yes, and it's awful to think that the culprit might be someone who lives right here in Bogusville,' Dr Trifle said, looking around nervously. ‘He might be right nearby.'

‘And maybe he's even nearer than you think,' thought Selby with a blush.

A stony silent garden gnome
Set out to write a palindrome
He threw some letters in his hat
Then read them out from front to back

He read them over, wrong way round.
But still they made no sense, he found.
He mixed them up and tried again
Before he finally chucked it in.

“I quit!” he cried, “I should have known
A gnome just can't write palindromes.
I can't imagine what is worse
Than trying to write a thing
inverse
!”

He climbed back on his rock in shame
But not before he wrote his name:
EMONG NEDRAGA, A GARDEN GNOME
(By chance he'd found his palindrome.
)