Seeing Red (34 page)

“That was a hundred years ago, Jillian. A lot has
changed,” he said, looking at her chest and her legs almost
hungrily. “It’s disrespectful.”

“Disrespectful? To whom?” They were yelling.

“To me, goddammit!”

“What?”

“Don’t act stupid, Jillian.” He lowered his voice.
“Oliver can’t even look you in the face when you walk around like
that. You’re embarrassing him and yourself.”

She suddenly felt stupid and mortified for having
been oblivious to Oliver’s reaction. She felt as if she had been
slapped in the face.

“Love, I’m starving. I don’t want to fight. Please.
Let’s just go.” He seemed to realize he had finally gotten through
to her, so he toned down his intensity.

“Stop it with the ‘Babes’ and the ‘Loves’ and the
‘Reds.’ It’s making me uncomfortable!” She yelled while reaching to
a drawer and grabbing some shorts and socks.

He leaned over before walking out and whispered into
her ear while brushing the back of her calves with his hand. “You
know you like it. Let’s not pretend. By the way, you have the
sexiest legs and ass I’ve ever seen.” His hand slowly wandered up
her leg to her thigh. “When we’re alone, you can wear just the
panties for me. That’s how I prefer it. One day, and I hope to God
that day is soon, I’m going to rip those panties off you and lick
you from the tip of your toes to the top of your head. You’re
killing me, babe. But I know we can’t do that just yet. You have to
sort out your feelings first.”
Sort my feelings?
Her legs
wobbled. She almost melted.

He had her in a seesaw. One moment he was up and the
next he was down. He was possessive and then ignored her. He wanted
her, but then the blonde with the yellow VW lingered around. He had
her dizzy, not to mention sexually frustrated.

Jill was not in the mood to fight, and after the
remark Alexander had just made, she couldn’t even muster the
energy; so when he pulled out the keys to his motorcycle, Jillian
didn’t protest. Somehow he made her a subservient puddle of sexual
frustration: ready, willing, and able to comply with most
everything he commanded.

Once they were on the death machine, he kissed the
inside of her palm before placing it around his waist;
instinctively, she put her cheek on his back and closed her eyes.
As she started to relax, they arrived at the restaurant, making her
a little sad that the ride ended so quickly.

“What’s with the pout?” Alexander asked. He knew her
so well. She couldn’t hide anything from him. “You don’t like this
place.”

“No, it’s fine. It was just, I don’t know, so close
by.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind, let’s just go.” She quickly changed the
subject and walked ahead of him into the restaurant.

After ordering, they had a little small talk and
then Alexander, being Alexander, went straight for the kill. “So,
it’s over with the professor, right?”

“I don’t know. I think so.”

“You don’t know?”

“Nope, I don’t know. I hung up on him and haven’t
heard back.”

“Well, it’s really only been two days.”

“I guess.” She had tried to put him out of her mind,
but she was sad about the abrupt end of their relationship. She had
been falling in love with Paul, which made it so much harder to
cope.

“Red, I’m sorry you’re hurting, but he wasn’t good
for you.”

“You’re not sorry, Xander. I know you. You’re
glad.”

“I’m glad he’s gone; you’re right. But I’m sorry to
see you sad. Did you love him?”

“Do you really want to get into this, Xander?”

“Yes. I guess I’m a masochist.”

“I don’t think I was in love with him, but I was
getting there. He told me he loved me, and I was stupid enough to
believe him. I felt butterflies in my stomach when I saw him or
spoke with him. From the first day in class, I wanted to kiss him,
and when he pursued me, I felt, I don’t know, special—wanted. No
one’s ever wanted me like that before. He was so intense, you know?
But so romantic too. I’ll definitely miss that.”

“Maybe I didn’t want to know.” He faked a smile. “I
think you were in love with him.”

“I don’t know. Maybe. But anyone that loves me has
to love you two dummies. It’s a package deal. He didn’t seem to
want the package.”

“I don’t blame him, Red. I wouldn’t want to share
you either.”

“I would never cheat on the man I’m dating. I don’t
mean
share
in that way, Xander! But if you or Oliver needs
me, I’ll be there for you guys, always, and if the man I’m with
cannot accept that, well, then, he can’t have me.”

“Jill, do you love Oliver?” Straight for the
jugular!

“Um . . . wow, Alexander. That’s a loaded question.
You are full of questions today.”

“I need to know, Jill.”

“Why? Why do you need to know?”

“Because I do. Just tell me; I’m a big boy; I can
handle it.” This was the first time they had ever had such a
serious conversation.

“Well, for my whole life, Oliver has been my rock.
Every time I needed a shoulder, he’s been there. He loves me; I
know he does. As do you. I don’t doubt that, by the way. I know you
love me and I love you both.”

“Jillian, you know that’s not what I mean. Are you
in love with my brother?”

Jillian sighed and didn’t answer at first. “Yes,
Xander, I might be a little bit in love with him, I think. I don’t
know.”

“A little bit in love? Damn it, Jill. That makes no
sense.” He had to close his eyes and take a deep breath. “You know
what? It doesn’t matter. I have my answer, and I know what I have
to do.” The food arrived at that precise moment and he pushed it
away.

“What does that mean, Xander? What’s wrong with you?
You don’t look well.”

Jillian saw his reaction and struggled internally as
to whether she should tell him the whole truth: the big picture.
She saw the look of hurt on Alexander’s face, and it was now or
never, she thought. “Alexander.” She braced herself. Her skin
tingled and her face turned red. She was burning. She didn’t know
if she could speak the words. She closed her eyes, and when she
opened them, she looked straight into Alexander’s blue eyes, “I’m
in love with you too. I may be kind of unsure about Oliver or Paul,
but I’m not unsure about you. I really love you, Alexander.”

In an instant, his mood changed. He went from
looking ill to looking determined. The change in his demeanor was
immediately visible. He got up and slid into the booth next to her.
“Jillian, I. . .”

She held a finger up to quiet him. “Let me finish.
When I got the call that Oliver was in the hospital and I thought
it was you, my world came crashing down.” Unshed tears began
filling her eyes. “I knew I loved you both. I did. I know it’s
wrong, and I know it’s selfish and maybe even creepy, but I do love
you both. But at that moment, I knew that really I loved you, I
don’t know, more, I guess. I loved you more. I feel so guilty,
Xander. You have no idea. When I found out it was Oliver and not
you, I felt relieved. Relieved! How could I have felt relieved when
Oliver was lying in a hospital bed all mangled up, possibly dead?
But I was so relieved it wasn’t you. How fucked up is that? I feel
fucking horrible even saying that aloud.”

“I thought you weren’t cursing anymore?”

“Ha! You bring it out of me.” He wiped the solitary
tear that slipped out of her eyes from her cheek.

“Jill. I love you so much. I’ve loved you for . . .
I don’t know when I haven’t loved you.” He was about to kiss her
when she held her hand up.

“Wait, Xander, I’m not finished.” Tears streamed
down her face. “It doesn’t change anything. I can’t hurt Oliver.
You can’t hurt Oliver. You and I . . . This thing we feel . . . It
can’t go anywhere. I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

“Yes. I do, but I can’t just ignore it, Jill. Can
you?”

“We have to. Can you honestly say that you are okay
with hurting your brother? I’m not.”

Alexander rubbed his hand on his face and ran his
fingers through his hair. He was clearly torn up inside, as was
Jillian. “Okay, this is my proposition, what I started telling you
at the hospital.” He took a deep breath. “Now that you’ve told me
all this, that you love me, I don’t know if I am okay going through
with it.”

“Just spill it out already, Xander.”

“You need to date or kiss or whatever . . .
Oliver.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Have you two ever kissed?”

“No.”

“There’s no way, absolutely no fucking way, I can be
so in love with someone that doesn’t feel exactly the same way
about me and only me. It is impossible. I think . . . No. I know
that you are confused. I think you need to work things out with
Oliver. He may even be confused too. God, I hope I’m right. I think
you need to just explore that, and if I’m right, then you two can
just move on. So I am going to back off until you two figure it
out.”

“What?”

“I can’t watch you two explore your feelings or
whatever. I know you’ll come back to me. I know it. I love my
brother and he’s a great guy, but you two don’t fit. You need to be
challenged and called out when you’re being unreasonable. You two
wouldn’t work. You’d be bored. But when you come back to me, it
will be wholeheartedly and without any doubts on your part.”

“I don’t really know what to say, Xander.”

“There’s nothing for you to say.”

“What if you’re wrong? What if it turns out that we
belong together? What if there’s chemistry when, or if, we kiss?
What then?”

“Then, I’ll back off. I’m not a total asshole. I do
want you both to be happy. It’ll be hard. I may even have to move,
but I won’t stand in your way.”

“Move away? You see, Xander! This is precisely why
we should just let it go. I couldn’t stand you leaving me again.”
She choked back tears.

“Just trust me, okay? This will work out. It has to!
I’m telling you that you two are displacing your feelings. You’re
both confused. You don’t love each other that way. Trust me.”

They picked at their food for the next forty-five
minutes before leaving.

“You hardly touched your food.” Jill looked at
Alexander’s plate.

“Neither did you.”

“I know.” She shrugged. “I seem to have lost my
appetite.” The knot that had taken residence in the pit of her
stomach made her sick.

“Me too.” He looked defeated.

Alexander paid for the meal and they left. When they
were a block from the apartment, Alexander pulled over in an empty
parking lot and got off the bike and helped Jillian off.

“What are you doing, Xander?”

“I need to do one thing first.”

“What’s that?”

“This.” He cupped her face with his big hands and
gently brushed his lips against hers. Just like the day they
returned from the hospital he was tender and she felt love seep
through her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and the kiss
deepened. It took on a life of its own.

Her lips parted and their tongues met; it built up
to a frenzied, almost obscene kiss. His hands went around her
waist, and one hand cupped her bottom, bringing her closer to him.
Her hands went from his neck to grabbing at his hair. She lifted
her head, and his mouth found her jaw and worked itself down to her
neck. Her eyes closed, and she let out a low guttural noise that,
in turn, caused him to moan into her neck, causing a vibration down
her spine.

And this was only a kiss, but it was an
Alexander-and-Jillian kiss.

She could just imagine what having him naked in her
bed would be like.

“I think I went overboard.” He gasped.

“Wow.”

“Yeah, wow.” He sighed. “So, now we pretend this
never happened. This is going to work out perfectly. Great plan.”
He said sarcastically. “Let’s go, babe.” He planted one last kiss
on her lips and she got on the bike.

“Wow.” She whispered again.

“Is that all you’re going to say?”

She nodded. He laughed and they rode back to the
apartment.

When they arrived, Heather was already there sitting
on the couch, talking to Oliver, who laughed at her story. Jill was
relieved because she didn’t know if she could mask what had just
happened.

“Where’s my brother?”

“He went back to his place. He said to call him if
you need him. I’ll be in my room.”

“Studying?”

“No, I actually want to catch up on some of those
journals.”

“Good idea, Jillian. We have some talking to do
about those journals.” Oliver said.

“Yeah, I know. We’ll talk later.”

God made mud. God made dirt. God
made boys so girls can flirt.

-Helen

Jillian

The next few weeks were awkward. Alexander and
Jillian did everything possible to avoid one another. It wasn’t
easy since they had all the same classes, but she didn’t linger,
and she noticed he didn’t either. It was a cat and mouse game. He
smiled and winked. She blushed and he walked away.

Oliver stayed at Jill’s for another week. As always,
Oliver flirted but never crossed the line. Jill contemplated
Alexander’s proposal, but after all these years of a platonic
relationship, even if masked in sexual tension, she didn’t know how
to go about propositioning Oliver. But she needed to because she
didn’t know how long she could continue avoiding Alexander or if
she even wanted to continue avoiding him.

It was the twins’ birthday when Heather and Jillian
took Oliver back to Alexander’s apartment.

“So, can we pretend it’s not your birthday and
celebrate it when you’re fully recovered? You don’t look as if
you’re up to partying.” Jillian said as she helped Oliver get
settled in.

“You know I’m not big on birthdays. This one in
particular sucks.” He said, pointing to the bandage still on his
head.