See You in Hell (Mel Goes to Hell Series Book 2) (5 page)

Mel lowered her voice to match Lili's. "I don't know where they are. I've never been into a sex shop. I wouldn't know what to ask for."

"Oh, the nearest one is on Murray Street," Lili said dismissively. "It's called XXX or something. Their number should be in the phone book – ring them and I'll escort you there so you don't get lost."

Mel rang the number on the phone book's website and explained to the chirpy woman on the phone what she was after.

"Oh, we have them in several colours. Which would you like? They're part of the Bang Him range, sweetie." Mel wondered if the woman was testing out the merchandise under the phone desk, she sounded so cheerful.

"What colours do they come in?"

"Oh, there's fluorescent green and pink, black lycra and black leather with or without studs, sweetie. I highly recommend the studs." The woman gave an excited giggle.

"Green," Mel said firmly. "Is it okay if I pick it up this afternoon?"

"Sure, sweetie," the woman purred. "We have plenty more in the Bang Him range that you might like."

Mel ended the call as quickly and politely as she could.

She and Lili drove to the adult shop and parked right out front, as Lili insisted, though it's not as if the shop had a back entrance or rear car park.

Inside the shop, they were greeted by an excited woman clad in black and silver latex. She couldn't stop expressing how thrilled she'd be to help them. Mel wondered whether this was the suspected product-tester she'd spoken to on the phone.

"We're here for the mankini? I rang earlier?" Mel asked hesitantly.

"Absolutely! Let me show you the whole range," the woman gushed. Her name badge read 'Mitzi'.

She took both girls over to a display that was clearly the province of the Bang Him range. Mel leaned over to look more closely at a strange-shaped item before she read the name and decided she didn't want to know what it did.

"Are you sure you want the green, sweetie?" Mitzi cooed, her hand waving toward a studded black vinyl number.

Mel choked as she spotted a dildo so big she wondered how anyone could use it for anything but decoration.

Lili answered, "Green would be lovely. It's for a work colleague."

"Oh, how delightful," Mitzi said with a wink. "Is there anything else you'd like?"

Mel tried to work out why they had a display of dildos with tentacles and what looked like strange torture implements, at 30% off, no less, in honour of the release of 'Monsters in the Dark', whatever they were, then decided that she didn't want to know that, either. Surely monsters should be kept in the dark, where they belonged…

"No, thank you," Mel managed to say, swallowing hard. She decided she'd rather be in Hell than here.

"Good morning, Gerry brought photos!" Lili told Mel as she arrived on Monday morning of another fresh week in HELL.

"Of what?" Mel asked, her mouth watering at the aroma of Lili's coffee.

Lili took a slow sip, savouring the taste with her eyes closed, before she swallowed and said, "Pictures his wife took of the mankini. He loved it – you're officially his favourite person in the office!"

Mel was ready to jump Lili for the coffee, she was panting for one. "Great." She forced herself to walk away.

Unlike Lili, Mel's budget didn't stretch to include expensive barista brew from the award-winning coffee shop downstairs, so she took her plain mug to the kitchen for some of the free instant stuff.

She grimaced as she took her first mouthful of watery, brown sludge, but the caffeine began to take effect, however crappy it tasted. She opened her email.

Gerry's big "THANK YOU!" email came with a slideshow. She clicked it open as she took another sip of her cup of almost-coffee – and almost spat it out on the monitor screen. By the time she was done with the slideshow, she knew that Gerry loved his mankini, it fitted him perfectly, he didn't have huge tufts of black hair poking out of it, and his wife really liked Gerry's reverse view, bisected by green lycra. Wait, were those her lips?

Mel decided that she sincerely hoped Gerry won the lottery that night. She wasn't sure she could look at him without thinking of his green mankini and arse-kissing wife.

Fighting to keep her coffee in her mouth, she clicked on the next email at random, certain that it couldn't shock her more than the first. It was from a man she didn't know named Dan. It sounded like a nice, safe name.

She read it. She read it again, before deciding to find Lili. Surely it wasn't possible. This sounded like the story she'd been reading on the train.

Lili was riveted by something on her computer screen. Mel hoped it wasn't a disturbing PowerPoint presentation.

She cleared her throat. "Am I supposed to get conspiracy hoax emails?"

Lili looked up, annoyance clearly written across her face. "What?"

"Is there really an alien invasion?" Mel asked slowly, feeling silly.

"Aliens?" Lili looked blank for a moment. "Oh, yes, probably. You mean Dan's assessment that 'alien invaders don't hold back and if we're serious neither should we,' something about Yanks and 'collateral damage'?"

Mel nodded.

"Well, depending on what they'll affect, we'll probably have to handle it in some capacity. Health, environment, life, lands…justice for whoever let them in…it all comes down to us."

Mel found her voice. "But, seriously…space aliens?"

Lili laughed. "If there are space aliens, we'd be the ones dealing with them. Dan's probably just talking about cane toads again."

"Oh." Mel sighed in relief.

"We'll have the Department of Defence to help with space aliens," Lili said. "For the terrestrial kind, we're on our own. Defence isn't any use against cane toads."

"Don't forget, software training today!" Lili called as Mel headed to the lunchroom in search of a hot drink. Mel nodded and kept walking. She just had time to get the tea and take it to the training room.

Slipping into a seat in the back row, she sipped her tea silently in the darkened room. A PowerPoint presentation lit the screen as well as a nervous Nybbas, who trembled at the front with a wobbling laser pointer in his hand. He looked more scared than she did, standing in front of an audience, Mel mused.

The trainer Mel recognised from her orientation, who she now knew was called Sil, shifted a tiny video camera on a tripod, angling it so it pointed right at Nybbas. "Right. As long as you stay between the tables and the screen, you're in the picture. We can send the training video out to all our regional offices as soon as this session's done."

Nybbas nodded, gnawing on his lip.

"And…you're live!" Sil sang out.

A sickly smile spread across Nybbas' face. "Good morning, er afternoon, er morning, ladies and gentlemen. Today I'm here to tell you how excited I am!" Between his gritted teeth and his stiff-armed pose, Mel's mind suggested several words that would be more appropriate than excited.

"This package will make you gasp in awe. Just one little thing that will change the way you work forever. I'm so excited to be giving it to you, I can barely contain myself. You're going to love it. And we'll be rolling it out across all the offices…"

The room full of bored demons transformed to one full of grinning demons, with enthusiasm far greater than anything Nybbas could show. His strained delivery of the rehearsed copy didn't help matters, either.

Mel pressed her lips together and endured Nybbas' presentation as best she could. He rushed through it so fast that he was done in only half their allotted time. Once the half-hour was up, a smiling Sil reached to turn off the video camera and the other demons congratulated Nybbas on his package, telling him how much the regional offices would enjoy the training session.

"I'll upload the video right away and send it out this afternoon," Sil said happily, cradling the camera.

"Wait."

Both Sil and Nybbas stared at Mel. Everyone else had left, but she still sat quietly in her seat.

"You should review the presentation first. Can we hook it up to the big screen, or only watch it from the recorder?" Mel asked.

"I guess I could upload it here…" Sil said. "I'll just go get the cables and stuff to hook it up. Be right back!"

She hurried out and Nybbas slumped onto a chair. "I was terrible, wasn't I? They were all lying when they said the regional offices would like my presentation…"

Mel took a careful breath. "No, not terrible. Look, if I gave you some suggestions as to how you might improve the presentation, maybe you'd like to record it again. Without an audience this time."

"Like what? I've had Sil coaching me for weeks on how to do a presentation. I have to use all the right words, move my hands, smile…I did all that!" Nybbas buried his face in his palms. "I can't do any better."

"Well, you know how you hold your hands sort of stiff at your sides," Mel began. She waited for Nybbas to nod before continuing, "You might want to consider lifting them a little. Instead of level with your hips, try making the same gesture in front of your chest, and widen your hands to about the width of your shoulders…"

"What do you mean?"

Mel tried to demonstrate. "You know how you hold your arms out like an Aussie Rules football umpire calling a goal? Your elbows bent close to your body, your forearms at right angles to the rest and your fingers pointing forward? Every time you gesture, it's so tight it looks like a pair of synchronised guillotines. If you lift your arms, your gestures are loose and seem more natural." She demonstrated the chopping motion Nybbas had used, then lifted her arms higher to show the difference.

Nybbas nodded slowly. "I could do that." He waved his arms experimentally, looking relieved.

"And keep your hands in front of your chest the whole time," Mel suggested, trying not to smile.

"I can do that, too," he replied. He stared at her. "But…I don't see why I should redo the whole presentation and record it again just to do the hand signals better. It seems such a tiny change. I'm sure the regional office staff won't notice the difference…"

Mel coughed delicately. "I think you'll find the small change in hand gestures will make a significant improvement to your overall delivery. I really do think it's worth it." Please don't make me say it any more plainly, Mel prayed.

Nybbas frowned at her and opened his mouth to protest.

"It's up!" Sil announced, striding into the room. Nybbas closed his mouth. "I uploaded it at my desk and it's on the network. I'll pull it up now…"

Mel closed her eyes and inhaled as she waited for the file to load. Sympathy for a devil was a terrible thing and she couldn't conscionably let Nybbas embarrass himself like this without attempting to intervene.

She bit down on her lip as the picture appeared. Nybbas' arms were held stiffly at his sides, his hands level with his pelvis, perhaps a sock's width apart. Every time his hands made a stiff guillotine chop, they neatly framed his open pants fly. The slight pull on his pants fabric made the unbuttoned gap in the front of his boxers pop open, revealing a tantalising glimpse of flesh.

"…ladies and (chop) gentlemen. Today (chop) I'm here (chop) to tell (chop) you how excited (chop) I am!" It was very clear from the lack of bulging that he was either not the slightest bit excited, or his excitement was contained within a very small space.