Second Chance for Love (5 page)

If Abby had only been our child...

I stopped at that thought. She wasn't. She would never be. I couldn’t let myself go there. 

So many times I’d played that same scenario over in my head. If Chase and I had managed to stay together I would be a mother by now. It would be our little girl going to school and she would have her own dog. I would have made damn sure of it.

Wonder what the hell was wrong with Melissa? I could never imagine running off and leaving my child the way Melissa had. She was a leaver. A name I’d been called many times over the years. In my case though, I only left after I’d been thrown away first.

I stared at Chase feeling like an insensitive bitch. My temples were pounding and I felt like I should say something. I opened my mouth to speak. There was nothing I could say that would make anything different. What had happened between us was unchangeable. There might be a slim light of hope for our future, but I wasn't willing to hold my breath to find out. 

I let out a long sigh. “I'm sorry. I didn't know all that.”

“It's not your fault.”

“I know, I just…” I said, trying to explain what I was feeling.

“It's okay.” He shrugged. “There's nothing either of us can say to make this better.”

“I’m sorry things didn't work out.” As I said it, I wondered if I really meant it.

“So am I. Look, I'd love to stay up all night talking to you, but I'm exhausted and I know you are too. You can sleep in Abby's room if you want. It's the second door on the left. I'm going to call it a night. Just let me know if you need anything. Good night, Jetta. I hope you can get some rest.”

I didn't say anything as I watched him head upstairs. My heart was aching. I couldn't bring myself to follow after him. I didn't want to be that girl that fell into bed with her ex because she was going through a rough time, because that wouldn't be fair to either of us. Sex might feel good in the moment, but it wasn't going to cure a broken heart, change the past, or resurrect my daddy. I needed time to think and a night of solid sleep.

I slipped off my heels and walked down the hall. After sitting down on Abby's bed, I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep. My mind wouldn't shut down and my body shook with misery. My clothes were at my mother's and I couldn’t sleep in my funeral dress.

When I lived by myself, I always slept nude. One more thing I’d given up to come back here. I had nothing of my own anymore. I’d put myself in a situation where I had nothing left except Bosco. Why the hell had I given up everything to come back to this hell hole?

Of course the answer was simple.

Chase.

I didn't want to admit it. Hated to admit it.

For the last six years, I’d obsessed over him, like the bitter ex-girlfriend I was. Everyday I would think about him and wonder if he was happy. Some nights I cried myself to sleep, praying that he would come to his senses and show up on my doorstep. Although, I knew that was impossible.

Now that I was here I felt pitiful and down right ashamed of myself. Seeing Chase stuck in his own funk, where he even ignored his daughter most of the time, made me realize what I was doing. It made me realize just how much of my own life I’d wasted pining for him. Good Lord! Didn’t I have any self-esteem left at all?

I still longed to go to Chase and just lie next to him. The nights always seemed longer than the days and I didn't want to spend this one alone. It wasn't about sex. It was the backlash of loneliness I’d spent six years suppressing.  The thought of returning to my mother's house after what had happened at the funeral made me feel sick to my stomach. I knew she wouldn't throw me out, but I didn't want to deal with her. So once again I was spent spending another lonely night without human company. I heard Bosco walking down the hall and sighed. Thank God, I still had him.

“In here, boy,” I called to him quietly.

After a few hours of staring at the horse mural on the ceiling, I decided to get a glass of water. It was something to do to kill time until the sun came up. I crept down the dark hallway and into the kitchen.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw Chase sitting at the kitchen table. How many times had I imagined living with him and seeing him half dressed at the breakfast table?

“I thought you went to bed,” I said as I joined him at the table.

He shrugged. “I tried to.”

“I couldn't sleep either,” I admitted. “I just came out to get a glass of water.”

“The glasses are in the first cabinet. Help yourself.”

I moved slowly as if I were still in a daze. Though we hadn't talked about it, I knew Chase sensed that I didn't want to go back to my mother's house. He always had a way of knowing what was on my mind before I even opened my mouth to say it.

I leaned against the counter sipping the water slowly. My mind searched, trying to find anything that we might be able to talk about without arguing.

“I meant what I said earlier,” he said.

I knew immediately what he was referring to. He was talking about when he said that he still loved me. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. It was too risky and I didn't want to be hurt again. I would never willingly allow myself to feel such pain again in this life time.

“I don't know what to say, Chase.” I sat back down. “I won't lie. I've missed you. Maybe more than you'll ever know, but what can we do about it? Nothing's changed, Chase. Nothing. So what, we’re six years older. We've managed to survive it. Our families are still the same people, and I haven't forgotten that you chose money over me. And now I find out that you threw that away too. Is there anything you haven't thrown away?”

“Abby,” he replied.

“Really? She's not here.”

“She likes it better at her grandmother's house.”

“That's a damn lame excuse and you know it! If you wanted her here, she’d be here.”

I hadn't meant to snap at him again, but I was still angry. The Chase I’d known six years ago would have never left his daughter alone during such a pivotal time of her childhood. The man I’d known had married Melissa, just because she was pregnant with Abby. What the hell had happened to him?

“You're not the only one that's had it hard,” he replied. “It's been hard everywhere.”

“Well, at least I can say it wasn't my decision that caused it all!” I shouted.

“Oh! So now it's all my fault?” he asked, crossing his arms and leaning back. “It had nothing to do with our families?”

“Sure, it had something to do with our families, but you could have left with me. We would have made it just fine. You didn't have to go fuck that skank! You didn't have to choose your inheritance or college or any of that over me! You and only you made those choices.”

“Fair enough, but what the hell did you expect of me? I was a damn kid!” he yelled. “Sorry, I couldn't be your knight in shining armor. Sorry, I couldn't be the hero that was fucking perfect! I don't know what happened to you while you were in the city, but the woman I knew didn't need a damn hero! She was perfectly content to do it for herself!”

His words hit me hard and tears began to form in my eyes. Chase was right. We had been nothing more than two teenagers in love. So where did that leave us now? I didn't expect Chase to be perfect. I never had. I had just expected him to fight for us as hard as I had. Chase wasn't the only one who had changed for the worse. I had too.

I sat back down and put my head in my hands. Tears brimmed over and fell onto my fingers. I had nothing else to say, because what could I say? Had I really spent the last six years being angry at him for not being Prince Charming? I’d always prided myself on being an independent woman, but was I only fooling myself? Had I became a jaded bitch, because I had given up too easily as well? I couldn't allow myself to believe that. I had begged him. I’d fought for him, for us. Had I done enough?

For the first time I realized I might be just as guilty as Chase. When things got tough instead of fighting for us, I ran off. I let them win, just as much as he had. I heard Chase's chair move and thought he was getting up to leave the kitchen. My tears turned to sobs that shook my body. This was all too much to handle. I couldn't watch him walk away. Taking a deep breath, I tried to gather the courage to go after him.

It startled me to feel Chase wrapping his arms around me. I allowed him to pull me to my feet and buried my face against his bare chest. His touch felt so familiar as if it was only yesterday since the summer after graduation. Flashes of our first time together danced through my mind and I had to push them away, but the memories wouldn't leave me be. We’d been so happy.

Why the hell did people have to get in our way? We were two kids in love; who the hell were we hurting? Did the colors of our skin really matter that much? So much that our families would harass us day after day until they destroyed something so beautiful? Anger boiled in my stomach and I wanted to slap our parents. My father was dead now so I would never have the opportunity to ask him why the hell it was so important.

I had a good idea of what he might say though.

“Jetta, it's tradition,” he'd say, crossing his arms as if that were reason enough. “There's nothing stopping you from settling down with a good, hard working black man. Why do you think you're too good for a black man?”

He'd said it to me while he was alive. Tradition. It was his answer for everything. I should’ve told him that slavery was a tradition at one time too, but the majority of Americans thought that it was one best left to the past. If he’d been in the room with me at that moment I would have laid into him good.

I hate the feeling of being angry. It hurts so much and sucks the very life out of me. Anger makes my stomach hurt, my head spin, and my knees feel weak. I tried to think of anything besides how angry I was and my thoughts settled on the man who was still holding me.

While his touch felt familiar, it also felt strange and hesitant as if he feared I would reject him. I wrapped my arms around him and clung tightly, even after the tears quit coming. I rested my face against his chest enjoying the feeling of being close to him again. We’d gone so wrong in our past. Was it too late to make things right? Was it too late to have the life we dreamed of?

I hoped not. It was a childish hope, but one I held onto nonetheless.

I’d realized many things since finding out about my father's death. It served as a reminder that nothing here on Earth is permanent, not even life. Nothing can be counted on to last forever, because forever doesn't exist.

All we can count on is the now. All I was guaranteed was this one single moment with Chase and I was going to make the best of it. Even if it was only for tonight, I was going to have a taste of the life I had wanted so badly to live.

I looked up into Chase's blue eyes and sighed. “What are we going to do, Chase?” I asked.

“I don't know, Jetta.”

“That's not an answer.”

I stood on my tiptoes and brushed my lips against his. I moved slowly and awkwardly, mostly because I wasn't sure he wanted to kiss me. I’d just thrown a bitch-fit and then broke down like a crazy woman. I knew shit like that wasn't sexy, but after everything that had happened this week, I wasn't really feeling all that sexy anyway. I was feeling lonely and horny.

Chase frowned. “I know it's not a good answer. Like you said, nothing has changed.”

“Then let's change it,” I said, pulling him down and kissing him again.

Our mouths met in a hungry kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my body close to his. Until then I hadn't realized how lonely I’d felt since leaving home. I pressed my body against him harder, trying to be as close to him as I could get. It felt so good to be affectionate with another human being.

Chase's tongue swirled around mine and I deepened the kiss. My nipples were already erect and I could feel wetness forming between my thighs. I knew I might regret it in the morning, but tonight I had a lonely void to feel. For years, I’d felt unloved and jaded, but tonight I wanted to feel like a woman who was both wanted and needed. Tonight was our one night and I planned to make the best of it.

Chase's hands groped my ass and I moaned in pleasure. It was if my body was being slowly resurrected by his every touch. I hadn't felt so alive in years. I ground my hips against his and felt his cock begin to stir. A coy smile played at my lips. The thought of Chase wanting me as much as I wanted him made me giddy.

He nibbled my bottom lip and I knew there was no turning back. I couldn't have pulled away from him even if I’d wanted to. My body trembled as I thought of Chase sliding his throbbing cock inside of me.

“Chase,” I moaned into the kiss.

“Let's go upstairs,” he whispered and took my hand.

I followed him without saying a word. There had been enough talking tonight. It seemed every time one of us opened our mouths it ended in an argument. I didn't want to fight with Chase. I just wanted to show him how much I still loved him.

Once in his room a momentary awkward silence passed between us, but I wasn't about to let it ruin the moment. I grabbed Chase's hand and pulled him down onto the bed. My hands ran through his thick hair as I renewed our kiss. I wasted no time in freeing his half-hard cock from his pants and giving it a squeeze.