Screens and Teens (2 page)

For some teens, screen use has contributed to an underdeveloped identity. They may be devoting so much time to gaming and staying connected with “friends” that they don't have time or desire to broaden their interests or learn new skills, which would grow and solidify their identity. Also, because technology makes many things easier, they may be lacking the perseverance, diligence, and teachability that are often essential for adding to their skill sets and character development. Posting on social networks can limit identity development because the tendency is for posts to acknowledge only certain aspects of their lives. That means friends and family can only provide comments or ask questions about those elements—the ones the teens choose to show. For example, they may post often about their musical interests and never mention that they volunteer at an animal shelter.
As time goes by and no friends acknowledge or support the teen's interest in animal rescue, the teen may begin to devalue that interest and let it wane.

When young people interact with many people on social media platforms, their identity can get confused. Many of the people whose posts they follow don't even know them personally. Those writers are just making general statements about their generation. Yet their words can be very influential.

Words—even words tossed off casually on a social media venue—can strongly affect our teens. If someone whose opinion your daughter values makes a disparaging comment about her writing, she may dismiss her writing ability as unimportant. If she likes a particular sports team but finds out very few other people do, she may decide her inclination was wrong. In a matter of minutes, she can transition from believing one thing about herself to another. This shift in identity negatively influences security because she appears to be inconsistent.

Your son may “like” a musical group one day, and being a fan becomes part of his identity. After he finds out someone he values doesn't like that group, he'll quickly “unlike” them. But what about his friends who were glad he liked that group? Now they're confused and may communicate that to your son. They might actually be disappointed or angry. Now your son will experience the stress associated with trying to keep everyone happy.

But is this really so different from when we were teens ourselves? After all, we listened to the opinions of our peers—or of
celebrities we read about or saw on television. The vast difference lies in quantity! Today's young people are coping with a deluge of widely divergent influences, while we had a much smaller circle of people influencing us, and they were probably more unified in their preferences. And the influence is nearly constant! Before there were cell phones, young people had time off from their peers—times when they were at home with just their families. Now teens are with their peers and with online influences 24/7 since they can access their social media and the Internet all day long.

Because of this large array of influences in their daily experience, today's young people tend to be more conflicted about who they are and what they value. It's even harder for parents to know their kids well—and for teens to benefit from the opinions and wisdom of the parents who love them because they're listening to so many voices.

But before we overreact and unplug all of our screens, let's remember that technology can also enhance a teen's identity. Today's cameras allow young people to easily record and express what they enjoy and what they do. They can share through social media and gain interest and support from family and friends. Also, posts from others may inspire them to consider fresh ideas and undertake new projects or adventures. Teens can follow
through where their personal interests lead them because finding information through the Web is easy.

Christian parents know that young people will be most whole and healthy when their identities are grounded in their relationship with God. The Bible is where they found out that they are created in God's image (Genesis 1:27), deeply loved (1 John 4:10), bought with a price (1 Corinthians 7:23), and so much more. Ideally they will add to these truths the pursuit of a personal relationship with Christ. Teens' use of the Internet and other tech tools can cause them to believe Christian truths or not. It depends on what websites they peruse, who they follow and listen to, how they use social media, and the types of television shows and movies they watch.

Belonging is the third core need, and it's defined by the question
Who wants me?
Belonging is healthiest when we meet this need by belonging to God,
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with people who have demonstrated solid character, and among people with whom we share beliefs, interests, and/or talents. Unique connections and belonging can also be found through differences because new experiences can bond us.

Belonging is dependent upon our security and identity. When one or both of these needs aren't met or they're met in illegitimate ways, we either won't experience belonging at all or our belonging will be unhealthy. For example, teens who place their
security in technology are more likely also to attempt to meet their belonging need through technology. They prioritize time with technology over time with people. Their digital relationships will be most significant to them.

Some teens stay busy with their technology, which can make investing in person-to-person friendships difficult. Also, social media tends to promote a lack of authenticity and accountability. A cut-and-run reaction to negativity is common and results in short-lived relationships. Using this same response with face-to-face friendships is damaging to the feelings and belonging of all parties involved.

As we remember technology isn't good or bad, but the use of it can be either, we must recognize that platforms like Instagram and Facebook can enhance relationships. Although I have many “friends” on Facebook I don't even know, some people who started as friends of friends or women who heard me speak somewhere have become women I'd like to get to know better in person. Young adults and teens can also spark new friendships through social media. This might be especially true for teens with social anxiety and those who are introverted or self-smart. We, of course, need to be alert regarding their online connections.

Simple games on phones can strengthen relationships. My own sister-in-law has enjoyed an ongoing competition with my niece's fiancé. It wouldn't be healthy if they related to each other only through this game, but their friendship has grown from sharing this game. Playing the game was fun and increased their
comfort with each other. It gave them something to talk about when they were together in person.

Posting pictures can enhance relationships. This week my niece and my cousin's daughter both posted old family pictures to commemorate an event. Soon lots of family members were chiming in with comments. For those few moments, our family didn't feel so separated geographically.

How might technology help teens discover and strengthen their belonging to God and to their church families? We've mentioned how teens can access the Bible through apps. This can make the study and memorization of Scripture easier and more likely. Young people might enjoy keeping up with posts from a church or youth group Facebook page or Instagram account. Many church youth groups pull students from various schools (public, private, homeschool), so social media groups might give teens a natural way to stay connected on the weekdays when they are not together for Sunday school classes or youth meetings.

The flip side of the coin is that screen-time influences can weaken a young person's belonging in their families or in their churches or to God. Screen time can occupy a lot of hours in a teen's day, keeping him or her busier than we'd like. Time with games and videos and social media platforms leaves less time for Christian peers, for attending church and youth group functions, and for reading the Bible. The pattern of quickly dipping in and out of social media creates a pattern of relating that doesn't work well when it comes to relating to God in a meaningful way. And teens'
impatience with anything less than a rapid response is exacer-bated by constant media use; it makes waiting on God's answers in their lives seem interminable.

If these concepts sound familiar, it's because our need for belonging is so closely linked to our need for security. We long for our young people to have this pair of deep needs fully met through healthy relationships.

Purpose

Purpose is our fourth core need; it's defined by the question
Why am I alive?
The A+ answer is that we're alive to glorify God through who we are and what we do.
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We need to know and develop our strengths, strengthen weaknesses, and accept challenges that are a part of who we are.

Because today's teens are multitalented and often multi-passionate, they need direction in order to discover and believe in their specific purpose. Finding personal purpose is one of the great challenges of life. There's so much information available for teens to sift through, and they know they have many options during high school and beyond. Sometimes having so many choices before them has a demobilizing effect; they're like deer caught in the glare of headlights! Young people have a lot of sifting and sorting of their ideas and talents and passions to get through, and that can feel overwhelming. Also, if some of the other core needs
aren't met, it can warp the way young people approach finding their purpose. For example, if a teen's security and identity are wrapped up in being happy, she will choose only activities that keep her happy and may avoid opportunities that stretch her. She might bypass substantive factors that could shape her future.

One of the keys to finding purpose is hope. Hope gives rise to purpose. Social media can give young people exposure to fresh ideas and the great, big world out there. The Internet offers places where teens may discover causes they care about and people to follow who are doing good work. A broad security, complete and accurate identity, and people to connect and serve with will help youth do more than just “like” organizations. At the same time, the negativity and bullying that take place on many social media platforms can rob teens of their hope. The constant barrage of causes and themes can also have a numbing effect; teens get used to hitting “Like” and then moving on. That level of low commitment is all too common online. Again, technology gives and technology takes away.

Young people with a healthy purpose will come into their adult lives with a readiness to engage the world around them. Parents long to see young people find purpose in real-world pursuits and passions.

Competence

Competence is the fifth core need, and it's defined by the question
What do I do well?
We'll believe we have competence
and can develop more when we have trustworthy people speaking into our lives (security). Furthermore, our competence is related to who we are (identity), it's often discovered as we commit to others (belonging), and it's found in God so we can fulfill our unique purpose.
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Purpose makes competence necessary. Without it, we don't need to be good at anything.

God didn't wire us to need perfection, but he did wire us for competence—the ability to do what we need to do. If we're striving for perfection, that's not a desire from God. It may mean we're prideful, uncomfortable with our weaknesses, and not trusting God's grace. Young people can struggle to believe in their competence because of how easy it is to base our worth and ability on how we compare to others on social media platforms. We can always find someone more beautiful and more able there.

So, short of striving for perfection, where do teens develop competence? To incorporate a couple of clichés, young people need to “stretch their wings” and “test their mettle.” They need to tackle adventures that make them a bit nervous because they've never done those things before. This is how they find out where they're weak and might need to get stronger. This is how their strengths are affirmed. All of these experiences produce strong competence.

While they're discovering their personal giftedness or limitations, they are exercising a faith muscle—trusting God in new
challenges and new relationships and learning how to seek His wisdom and empowerment.

The Bible promises that when we are weak, He is strong and His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9–10). When we find it hard to love, His love for us allows love to grow (1 John 4:7). Because of our faith in God through Christ, we can do all things (Philippians 4:13). Just as a connection with God enables the meeting of the other four core needs, that relationship makes competence possible as well.

Along with their parents, teens have five core needs—for security, identity, belonging, purpose, and competence. Technology offers some good tools for meeting these five needs, but if we aren't mindful and observant, those tools can get in the way of meeting those needs. That's why young people need training in discernment when it comes to their digital choices. Bringing wise influence to bear in this area must be a major parenting goal.

Influencing our teens regarding technology is going to hinge on a lot of communication-discussions about their choices and ours, sharing the reasons for the choices we make, listening to one another with affection and respect. We need to understand our teens and their digital world better and understand the way a teen's mind works. Parents can grow in confidence and skills for parenting young people in a digital age. You may catch this vision for your role in your teen's development in the pages ahead.
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“
I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.

1 CORINTHIANS 10:23

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.