Authors: Latika Sharma
No one heard it, but my heart shattered into a million pieces. I felt dizzy. I think I must have stood there for some time, as I recall Dev pulling me out of a delirium. I recall walking back to the class with him but I do not recall hearing anything after that. All was like a silent movie, everything was moving around me but I was lost. I was struck with a lightening blow and was totally shaken up. Had she really said that? Did she mean it? Really?
I had never jumped a balcony before. But there is always a first time. Also adrenaline makes one do things one can’t imagine. Adrenaline and betrayal.
It was ten p.m. I knew her parents would have gone out for a stroll after the dinner. I knew she would be studying in her room, her light was on. I had climbed trees before, this pipe was new to me, but even though I bruised my knee and roughed my palms, I climbed over her balcony.
“Kabir! What are you doing here?” She was shocked. I stepped in her room gently closing the gallery door. It was February in Delhi, and the nights were cooler than mornings.
“They are out right?” I enquired as soon as she had calmed down.
“Yes. Why are you here?” Riya sat on her study table’s chair. I stood in her room, looking at the girl I loved. Then I walked close to her and knelt down beside her.
“I din’t know where else to go. There is this girl I’m in love with. And she loves me too, although she says she doesn’t. Now, the thing is I will die without her. There is nothing from this life that I want, except her love, and she told me today she thinks she does not love me. What do I do now? I was a lost soul before she rescued me. No one loved me, or respected me or even bothered to think about me. With her by my side, I earned respect, I felt loved, I realized what friendship is, what life means, what studies mean and what I want in my life. I knew she was my light, my love and will someday be my wife, my whole universe. And people just thought I was flirting with her!
I can’t walk without her. I need her in my life, I want to spend my life with her . . . she said she thinks I am a bad influence on her career. She does not realise that without her, I have no career, no life, no desire . . . nothing. I love her so much.
You are the star of our class. The most brilliant student, you’ve held the scholar badge ever since I can recall. Surely you can give me, the dumb boy of the class, a suitable solution. You are wise and I’m stupid, you are intelligent and I’m not. So tell me what do I do from here? Who do I tell my agony to?” I looked up with tears in my eyes. She was crying too.
I got to my feet and pulled her in my arms. She resisted a bit but I did not let go. In what seemed like a life time, I felt relieved and not at a loss for words. It felt like a long thirst had finally been quenched. She was not struggling any more but sobbing lightly.
“I am sorry Kabir . . . I am sorry I said those things . . . I am sorry. That silly girl was just scared. You mean the world to her too. And she misses you terribly!”
I tightened my grip over her. I held her in the protection of my arms. I knew she loved me, perhaps more than I loved her!
“Don’t you ever do that to me again Riya . . . it hurts so awfully. I love you and nothing you ever say will make a difference to me . . . trust me, we will work this out. I will work this out. Just hang in there . . . I love you!”
“I love you too
. . .
Oh god I love you so much!” This was the first time in three years she had said what I had only felt for so long. My ears had never heard words more satisfying and empowering than these.
And after all these years, I will make her say them again. I looked up at the wall clock. It was time to go meet the girl I loved. Riya was waiting for me.
I
saw her standing where she said she would be. For a moment there I ignored the fast growing line of cars behind me as I studied her. She looked so beautiful in her soft white
salwar kameez.
A heavenly goddess. Her silky hair were fluttering lightly in the air and shining in the sunlight that kissed her forehead. She wore no major jewellery or make-up, except her gold chain and a watch . . . my watch. I could sense her anxiety, her tense body. Everyone around her was laughing and gliding with friends or loved ones, yet she stood rooted next to the huge entrance to the mall. I drove next to her and opened the passenger side door for her. She must be feeling cold.
“Hop in.” I said, and she obeyed. As she sat down I wheeled my car, thanking my lucky stars. It was the first time she was sitting next to me, in my car.
“You are early . . .” She broke the silence.
“Well . . . my watch must be defective. But is yours too? You too were there, waiting early for me?” I spoke looking sideways at her. Her fist was clenched, clearly she was aggravated.
“Where are you taking us?” She asked again.
“To my house, where there is no one and a very lush bed . . .” She turned her head towards me, not a shadow of smile or amusement in her eyes.
“Okay . . . okay . . . take it easy Riya. There is a cafe a few lights from here. It’s safe and secluded. I’m taking us there.” I said trying to break her defensive shield. I hated it when she shut me out and made me knock on every possible door to try entering into her world again. Lord! Why did all women do that?
We settled in our seats comfortably. Apart from us there were few occupied tables. There was a very similar man like me, typing furiously on his laptop; another table had a young couple, school kids, holding hands and looking at each other with stars in their eyes; there was a man in late forties, engrossed in his blackberry; and then there was us. A homogeneous metropolitan crowd.
I looked at her. She was looking out, down at the traffic.
“Good view?” I asked.
“Yes. Good view . . .”
“Well . . . you always liked the window seats.” I spoke casually looking in my menu, though my mind was on her.
“Look Kabir, what happened last night must never happen again. Never!” she finally spoke. Her voice was hurried and she sounded desperate.
“Why? What part din’t you like?” I asked pretending to be ignorant.
“Stop it Kabir! I am going to be married two months from today. Yes, that was what my dad was discussing with Vikram this morning. Apparently he does not want to delay it any further, and the horoscopes gave a suitable date, two months from today. So, please stop all this!” she spoke with an irate pain.
I did not speak for the shock of it! Two months! Just two months!
“I am requesting you, please do not mess this up for me. If we meet or are seen too often, then things may get out of hand, and my in-laws will not understand . . . and Vikram . . . oh! Kabir are you getting what I’m trying to say? Yes?” she looked me in the eye. I saw a matured woman, desperate and under stress.
“No. I don’t understand anything Riya.” I said, putting aside the menu which did not interest me anymore. “What do you mean things will get out of hand? Are you afraid I will do something? I never did when I had the full chance and right over you, back in school. You know, how many times . . . how many times I had stopped myself from . . . well, you know all that. And yet you say this, it only means, that you are afraid... that YOU may let it get out of hands . . . why Riya? Are you afraid that if you spend too much time with me, you will realize something you are in denial of?” I asked her without blinking.
“Denial? What do you mean? You have a crazy mind Kabir that is filled with fancies and ideas. I am not in denial. You are. You are not agreeing that there is nothing between us. It’s finished.” “Really? You are telling me, that ever since that day we saw each other again till this noon when I picked you up, you have never thought of me in a lustful, romantic way? Because I have . . . every single moment of these days, I have thought of only you.”
“See . . . it’s your mind that’s driving round in whorls, not mine.”
“So you do not love me Riya?”
“No.”
“You love Vikram?”
“I . . . I . . . think that’s not your concern.” She looked down.
“Oh it is . . . because I recall fully well how you felt in my arms last night. I saw in your eyes reflections of our past. I saw in your eyes my face and the love you feel for me . . . You still love me Riya. You have only loved me, even if you broke your promise by removing my ring from your figure . . . Why? Din’t you trust me? Did you not have faith in me? I had said I would move the world for you and I meant it. I made myself into what you would have like . . . rich and successful. But it all amounts to nothing when the woman I love so madly tells me that it’s my head that’s in a whorl, that she has no feelings for me . . . when every look you give me is filled with nothing but love ! When you feel the same desire sweep over you when you see me! Don’t you look around your shoulders to see if I’m there or if I’m looking at you! Why do you look away every time I’m touching Manya? You think I’ve not seen all this? Oh! I’ve seen all this Riya . . . and I’ve seen your stance, your flushing, your panting, your quivering hands . . . I have seen you swaying in my arms last night, reliving for a tiny moment our love story when you laid your head on my chest.
Just tell me . . . Why are you in denial?” I spoke earnestly watching her face change shades of realization.
“You don’t love him Riya . . . stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to him . . . We love someone only once with all your heart. I speak out of experience. The sooner you accept it, the better it will be.”
“I don’t love you Kabby . . . I mean Kabir.”
“Kabby is just fine . . . And you love me like mad, I can see it. And you know what . . . so does your father!”
“What?”
“Yes. Why else would he hurry with the so called wedding? Don’t do this Riya . . . don’t. You will never be happy and you will kill me again! I love you! I always have . . . and no matter what you say or anyone say, I will always, always love you and only you! Do I still have to jump balconies and get suspended for you to see it?”
Riya sat transfixed. I saw her face change emotions from regret to fear to comprehension. She did not speak for quite a while. We had not placed any order. She looked out of the window. She drew in a deep breath and I saw a tear streak her rosy cheeks. I knew I had hit her heart’s chords once again.
“Our story ended a long time ago Kabir. Yes, I did love you once, but when we split, it got over. I moved ahead. It’s time you do too.” Riya still wasn’t looking at me. She was lying.
“Really . . . then how come my life stopped the day you left me? How come I nearly killed myself with grief and depression andhow come I feel alive whenever you are around me? Really, am I the only one who feels anything or are you still punishing me for something? Cause it is very painful!” She looked straight at me.
“Kabir, what has happened is past now. We have different people in our lives today. I am getting married in two months. Let’s be grown up about all this. I am not in denial, and I’m not punishing you. You are making it difficult . . . for both of us. Grow up Kabir, we are not kids anymore!” Riya was pretending, but I swear, she was doing an excellent job.
“No . . . I think I am the only one being grown up here. You are still that school girl, pushing me away because your daddy said so. You will speak your heart one day; you can’t hide truth for long. It has been long since I accepted a challenge in my life Riya. Today, you just gave me one. Congratulations on the wedding . . . you will make a beautiful bride.”
Tears of anger and frustration weld in my eyes and I had to leave her there and step out to catch some air. The meeting culminated. I drove her back in silence. I dropped her off at the same spot. She looked at me.
“I will see you soon,” I said. She backed away and then turned and walked towards the mall.
‘Yeah! I will see you soon, and this time, I swear I will make you say that you love me! I swear upon my love for you!’ I thought as I put my car into gear.
T
he first time I had realized that I was good in basketball was when I was in my seventh grade. I was always a tall boy, and one day the big boys of our society need a substitute. I must have been a good one as I was in the team after ten minutes of play. I never looked back till the day I became captain of our school team; a challenging team with loads of expectations from me. And after so many years the sense of importance and the drive to excel had been reinstated in me. This time it wasn’t baskets that I needed to score. It was my life that needed a victory.
My plan was to make Riya recall our days of school. Maybe that will remind her of her true feelings for me.
But the problem was that I knew she would never come to our school with me, or anywhere else especially after the cafe experience. But struggle is something every good sports man inherits from his sport. That and a contingency plan.
“Hi Kabir! How are you buddy?” Vikram saw me enter the squash court and came over to me. We shook hands.
“Hi. I was busy with work. How is the new restaurant going?” My work in his hotel was over and so we hardly saw each other. Today was pure luck.
“It’s great! Pulling in a lot of crowd. You and our team did splendid, a great job. Hey, how about a game, with me?” Vikram asked as he put his kit down and began removing his jacket.
I saw around for my partner who had not yet arrived.
“Yes, why not; I was waiting for someone but it looks like he is running late”. I pulled out my racquet and we were soon splashing and panting heavily. I must admit, there is an energy that only a sport can induce in a man and squash drains you and yet fills you with vitality.
We made small talks in between. He told me of his wedding date and I reluctantly congratulated him. I thought about how Vikram would react if he knew about me and his fiancee? He will be upset, but he was a sensible man, surely he will understand. He would not get physical, but seeing him sweat it out, there in front of me, the thought did cross my mind more than once. For once, I had to admit, Vikram had a great physique. He was tall, well-toned and very energetic. I realized his arms were his strongest asset while playing squash with him. He had an amazing arm sweep, and his backstrokes were just as powerful as my front ones. With his complexion and professional looks, he was indeed a very charming man.