Saven Defiance (The Saven Series Book 4) (29 page)

“Stars! I can see it as if it’s in my own head. How are you doing this?”

“I don’t know, but hush up, before I lose control.”

Logan stays focused, even though I can feel his heart break.

I shut the memory off.
“I’m sorry if that hurt you, but I want you to know I’m not keeping any secrets from you.”

Plastering his hand behind my neck, he pulls my mouth to his. The intensity of the kiss takes me by surprise. I think he’s trying to bury the memory by kissing it out of my mind. Haydn mutters something derogatory, and I pull my lips away. “
I’m not fond of PDAs in front of the hostile crowd.”
I maneuver off his lap into the seat beside him. Taking his hand, I brush my lips across his knuckle.
“I am yours.”

“I know, but I hate this.”

Me too, but what more is there to say? We are all quiet after that. I gaze out the window as the landscape flies by in a blur. Mid-afternoon, the hovercraft slows down at the foot of a ginormous snow-capped mountain, and I lean forward in my seat. “We’ll have to take it on foot from here. This is the farthest edge of Talla’s jurisdiction, and we can’t risk the STSS picking up the hovercrafts’ location. I don’t want to embroil my father or the Talla people in this,” Haydn tells Logan, purposefully ignoring me. “At least it’s given us a good headstart.”

“Of course, and I wouldn’t want that either. This has helped enormously.”

Everyone piles out of their craft, and we congregate on a small grassy ledge. “We have to go over this mountain,” Haydn explains as he distributes jackets and backpacks. “And over the next, and then we’ll only be a couple of miles from the Server Control Center. It’s hidden in a secret valley at the base of the next mountain. While we have made great headway today, we won’t be able to reach it before nightfall. Temps get very cold out here at night, so we’ll set up camp en route. I know a place that should provide adequate shelter, but we must keep a brisk pace now if we’re to reach it before conditions turn nasty.”

Haydn talks in urgent hushed tones to the commander. “Follow me,” the commander says, leading the way. I silently groan as Haydn falls back behind us. Even though Logan has chewed him out for it, he is clearly not taking any chances. Not where Logan’s safety is concerned. And I’m not going to fault him for that. Awkward as this journey is going to be, I’d still rather have him keeping watch in case Griselda tries anything.

The steady hum of the retreating hovercraft grows more distant as we begin our ascent up the mountain. My heart stutters as I lift my head and scan the obstacle in front of us. It’ll take hours to climb that beast.

My calf muscles ache by the time we have climbed up the first three hundred steps, which doesn’t bode well for the rest of the journey. From here, the steps give way to a narrow, winding, muddy path that twists and curves up the side of the mountain. A rickety wooden railing is the only protection from the sheer drop below.

Logan insists on taking my backpack halfway up the mountain. Winds have picked up considerably, and I’m struggling with my balance. I hate admitting any weakness, but visions of being blown over the edge are incentive enough to quell objection. I hand the bag over without uttering any protest.

My boots rub raw against my skin, and telltale blisters are already forming on the soles of my feet. Although the wind is biting and chafing my cheeks until they sting, I’m sweaty and clammy under my heavy jacket.

The descent on the opposite side strains the other half of my muscles, but I don’t complain. Everyone is struggling but getting on with it. The howling wind puts paid to all conversation, but I don’t mind. While my brain is fried with worries and concerns, and the hostile atmosphere has me decidedly on edge, there is something uplifting about being out here in the eerie silence, in the brisk mountain air, being at one with nature. It’s helping to clear the fog in my head.

We have only climbed a little way up the second mountain, when the sky splinters into contrasting shades of blue, orange, and gray. Dusk is fast approaching. Haydn urges everyone to speed up, and we all make a concerted effort. Labored breathing and exhausted pants fill the silence. I’m fit to collapse when Haydn finally guides us to our designated resting place for the night.

We are about three-quarters of the way up the mountain when we reach the hollowed-out cave that Haydn had in mind.

A dry, musty odor tickles my nostrils as we head into the yawning belly of the monstrous cave. Little dripping noises pitter-patter off a floor littered with broken stones and other debris. Our voices ricochet off the slate walls, and Fern and Rylan goof around, making strange noises with their hands and mouths.

I watch in amazement as the soldiers help Haydn to unleash one giant transparent tent. It’s large enough to accommodate us all, but it’s still going to be a tight squeeze. Logan makes for the back of the tent, but Haydn stops him. “I want us out front so we can make a speedy getaway if necessary.” His eyes fall on mine, and I hear him loud and clear. What he means is “if Sadie goes crazy-ninja on our butts, I want to get you out of the firing line as quickly as possible.”

“Fine by me.” I cross my arms and shoot him a compliant look.

Logan pulls me down on top of his lap as Ax stalks past, trying his best not to look.

Haydn lights a campfire at the mouth of the cave and starts opening various food supplies. Lost in his happy place, a contented smile spreads over his face as he prepares dinner.

Too painful a reminder, I avert my gaze. Logan wraps his arms around me, kissing the top of my head.

Dinner is a strange, overwrought affair. The Narik soldiers sit huddled on one side of the fire, talking in low undertones among themselves, while the rest of us sit on the other side in strained silence. I scrub my palms over my face. Maybe we are crazy to attempt this mission when it’s obvious we are not operating as a team. I can’t help feeling as if it’s all my fault. I’m at the center of all the drama. It would’ve been better if I hadn’t come.

“Stop beating yourself up.”

“Stop making excuses for me! This
is
all my fault.”
I hop up, needing to release some pent-up stress.

Logan climbs to his feet as the others subtly watch the interaction. Reeling me into his chest, he kisses me in full view of the others. I squirm uncomfortably, feeling every pair of eyes on us, but one pair more so than any other. I tear my mouth away.
“Stop. This isn’t helping.”

His gaze is steely.
“You are over-analyzing everything. Just be yourself, and let the others deal with things their own way. You can’t hide who you are or what you’ve done. And allowing yourself to wallow in guilt is only holding you back. Let it go.”
He tucks my hair back off my face, grips my hips, and pulls me back into his solid body. Leaning down, he lowers his mouth toward mine again.

“If you don’t take your hands off her, I will not be responsible for my actions.” Ax’s statement is a thinly veiled threat. I can tell how tightly wound up he is. Izzy is pleading with him, talking urgently in his ear, and tugging persistently on his elbow.

“Screw you,” Logan says unhelpfully. “You don’t have any say in this.”

“I’m her husband! She’s my mate! If anyone should be touching her, it’s me!”

Logan stiffens and his chest swells. “Oh, really? I don’t think you want to go there.” His eyes narrow to slits as he glares at Ax with unrestrained hatred. “You lied to my face. You called me crazy. And the whole time you knew you had stolen her from me. You have no claim over her! None!”

“No!”
I silently screech, pinching his waist to drill my point home.
“You can’t tell him like this. Please, Logan. I’m begging you.”

Logan levels me with a determined look, and his emotions swirl around me. He’s close to his limit, dangerously close to blurting out the truth. If he does, all hell will break loose.

My brain fractures at the same time cracks fissure in my heart. I go into shutdown mode. Extracting myself from Logan’s embrace, I slant a ferocious look at both of them. “I’m so done with this! Grow up, the pair of you. Tomorrow, we’ll attempt to seize control of the Server Control Center and free a path for our allies to invade the Central City and gain control of the planet in Logan’s name. Do neither of you understand the severity of our task? The million things that could go wrong?”

I glance at every face, aware I have the attention of every person in the cave.

“We don’t have time for all this personal drama.” My eyes flit between Logan, Haydn, and Ax. “And it’s not fair on the others. The atmosphere is horrendous because of what’s going on between us. And I’m so tired of it. All of it.” I take a step back. “I’m not discussing this anymore, with any of you.” I glare at the three boys. “So sort your shit out, and get your act together. Until then,” I say, turning around. “Leave me the hell alone.”

I’m having one hell of a lonely pity party when Izzy and Fern find me, tucked into a smaller cave a few meters underneath the main one. Glacial wind whistles a peculiar, eerie tune that is weirdly fitting. My life feels like a horror movie right about now, but I’m done mooning over it. I don’t have the energy.

I deactivated the Eterno connection when I stomped off, but that hasn’t stopped Logan trying to reach me. I hurl a string of furious cusses into his head, and he relents, giving me the space I so badly need.

The girls plop down, one on either side of me. Fern drapes a coverlet around all of our shoulders, and we huddle in together. Their quiet support gives me strength. We watch the moonlight constructing magical dancing shapes across the slate wall as our breath puffs out in little steamy clouds. The silence is amenable.

Izzy pours warm drinks from a strange-looking contraption. My eyes pop wide when she opens a little bag and tosses marshmallows and chocolate sprinkles on top of each cup. “From Haydn,” she answers my unspoken question. “He said this was your favorite.”

If this is his way of trying to apologize, he can go take a long walk off a short cliff. I’m still far too mad to appreciate the gesture.

“You were frigging amazing back there,” Fern says, taking tentative sips of the sweet, hot, frothy liquid. “And boy, did it need to be said.”

I peer into her eyes. “I hate that I’m causing so much tension, but I’m done accepting it. Logan is right on one thing; I can’t keep shouldering guilt or hiding who I am.” I snort and the girls look puzzled as they glance at one another. “Oh, the irony.” I lay my head on Izzy’s shoulder. “I’m kinda hiding right now.”

They smile knowingly. “Nah,” Izzy says, squeezing me tight. “You’re giving those idiots time to come to their senses.”

“And girl time is long overdue,” Fern adds.

“That it is. I’m sorry I’ve been so absent, so consumed with other stuff.” I smooth my hands over my pants. “So what’ve I missed? What’s up with you two?”

“Nothing much,” Izzy admits, moaning as the delicious chocolaty goodness slides down her throat.

“What about you and Rylan?” I ask Fern. “Is everything back on track?”

“Yup,” she slurps. “Thank God. I still want to level Dante’s ass when we catch up to him, though.”

“What about you, Izzy?” I redirect my attention to her. “I never even thought to ask before, do you have a boyfriend?”

She half-chokes on her drink, spewing dribbles of hot chocolate from her mouth. Fern and I lock eyes. Izzy’s features suddenly glaze over. I touch her arm as thick tears congeal in her eyes, spilling over onto her cheeks. I yank her into a hug. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” Her sobs are muffled against the cover, but her anguish is crystal-clear. I wish I had remembered, and then I would’ve known not to ask. I startle myself with the thought. It’s the first time where I’ve felt like having my memories restored might be a good thing. I dismiss the notion quickly.

“Sorry,” she sniffles, scrubbing her damp face. “It’s still so hard to talk about him.” I stare into her eyes. “Blade.” She whispers his name as her sorrowful eyes slice mine. “And the fact that you can’t even remember him is another reason for me to despise Griselda.”

I rack my brain for any recollection connected to that name, but there is nothing. “We were friends?”

She nods, still sniffling. “He was Ax’s best friend.” She dries her face with her sleeve. “And my mate. I loved him, and she deliberately took him away from me!”

Her sobs start up in earnest, and rage swells inside me. I hate that woman with the intensity of a million white-hot suns. That I failed to take her out when I blew up the Tempo is my biggest regret. She has hurt so many people I love. I decide there and then that I’m going to be the one to bring her to justice, to make her pay for all the ways she has wronged me and my loved ones, all the ways in which she has failed her son and her people.

Conversation was pretty much nonexistent after that, and Izzy didn’t elaborate any further. I didn’t push her because it’s quite clearly traumatic. She’ll tell me the whole story in her own time.

Thankfully, the cave is quiet when we return, though none of our boys is actually asleep. Relief is transparent when we slip into the tent. Haydn and two soldiers are quietly guarding the cave while the others attempt to sleep. “Thank you for the hot chocolate.” I don’t stop to listen for any reply.