Authors: Ella Col

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I lean against the window Sofie was gazing at just a few minutes before. “I’m being discharged today. I wanted to see you before I leave.”

“Well, here I am.” Sofie is not making this easy.

“Thank you for doing what you did. I’m eternally grateful. I know that this must be hard on you.” I am grateful. Although, Josh and I lost something precious, I still have him. We have each other to get through our loss.

Sofie dead eyes me. “You’re welcome.” The remark is flat.

“If you ever need any…” I’m immediately cut off.

“Bree, save it. I don’t want to hear how you will be there for me if I need you. Just go on with your perfect, little life with your rocker boyfriend.”

“Sofie? What did I ever do to you that made you so bitter towards me?” I wonder.

She’s deep in thought. Then, she answers. “I want to be loved too, Bree. You have always been loved. I know your mom was cold but your dad loved you. Nick was a psycho but he loved you in his own way, I suppose. And, then, there is Josh. The day he helped us unload your car, I saw it. It was like he only saw you.” A sob escapes from her throat. “My parents don’t bother with me. Nick never loved me. Hell, he was so absorbed with his obsession with you; he barely noticed I was around. When he did notice, he would take his frustration out on me. So, that’s it.”

I am overwhelmed by her confession. Sure, I’d like to show Sofie compassion and understanding. But, the problems she has with me are not my fault. “Sofie, you have to learn to love yourself before someone else can love you. I’m sure it hurts to see someone get what you want. I’m sorry you feel the way you do.”

Tears are still falling down her face. She clutches the sheets in her hands. “I am going to work on that, Bree. I know this may sound horrible and I really don’t mean to hurt you. Please don’t contact me after we say goodbye. I’m afraid I need a while to fix some of the issues I have in my head. You are a sore spot.”

That hurt. Yet, I understand. “Sure, Sof. When and if you want to reach out to me, I will be there. I better get going.”

I walk to her and lean in to hug her. As I wrap my arms around her, she holds me tight. “Bree?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not sorry I killed him. He would have killed you first. Go live your life. You’re safe now.” I’m sobbing and clutching her, not wanting to let go. She has given me the chance to have a normal life without looking over my shoulder. I will not have to live my life in fear.

I kiss her on the cheek and give her a weak smile. I walk out of her room trying to catch my breath from the heaving reaction of sorrow.

Josh passes the nurse’s station and scoops me in to his arms. We need each other to heal and to grieve. Sofie has given us the chance at making a life together.

~EPILOGUE~

It’s been over a month since I moved in with Eric and Josh. Even though I like sleeping in Josh’s bed every night, I miss having my own place. But, I can’t go back there. Too much has happened in that house.

Slowly, both Josh are healing from our loss. There is always a flood of emotions. Then, there is a feeling of guilt. That’s the killer. I feel guilty because I didn’t protect the little life I had in me. I feel guilt because I know that I am not ready for a kid. It’s bittersweet.

Every once in a while I forget that Josh is going through his own stuff. It’s hard for me to adequately comfort him because I am still in my own personal dungeon of emotions. Today, he sits on the edge of his bed strumming a familiar tune on his guitar. I recognize the song. It’s my favorite.

I sneak up behind him. “Your Guardian Angel.” I say identifying the song. He nods and keeps strumming. I watch him in amazement. God, he is so talented. He finishes the song, leans his guitar against the dresser, and then snuggles in to me.

“Every time I play that song, I think of you, ya know. Pretty much sums up how I feel about you.” He nuzzles in to the crook of my neck. I smile. It’s amazing how this guy can give me butterflies in my stomach just by making a simple statement.

“Baby, I know you love producing and managing. How come you never have done your own thing? You’re so good at what you do.” He is…amazing.

He blushes. “I like doing the yard thing. Believe or not, the other guys are better performers. I liked to play but I’m not crazy about all the attention. When I play now, I’m only playing for one person.” I expect him to say he is playing for himself. “You.”

I reach my hand behind his head and pull him in to my lips. I slip my tongue in to his mouth to explore. My arms pull him on top of me and he settles between my legs. I feel him growing hard and I’m excited by his reaction.

I slip my hand between us to unbutton his pants but he stops me. “Yeah-umm I really want to do this but I’m not sure we should,” he pants.

“The doctor said I’m fine. I can do this.” My tongue slips in to his mouth again.

He pulls away from me again. “I don’t have a condom. I mean, I don’t keep them lying around like I used to.”

“Josh, I’m on the pill now. It’s been at least thirty days since I’ve been on it. I need you.” I’m almost begging at this point.

He lets out an exasperated sigh. “I want to make sure you’re ready for this again. I’m perfectly content with holding you every night until you’re over everything. Don’t do this for me. I can take care of myself.”

I don’t want him taking care of himself. I want to take care of him…in every way. He’s trying to be respectful of my feelings…I get it. But, what better way to move past this than to share each other? “I’m sad. I’m sad about everything that happened, Josh. We’ve talked about this a million and one times for weeks now. And, I have been grieving for weeks now. Was it all for nothing? What’s in your head?”

He props himself up and slides off of me. He’s on his feet and opening the top drawer of his dresser. Something shimmers and is quickly hidden by his hand. Josh is back on the bed in no time and settled between my legs again. Those damn green eyes bare down on mine. “Truth is, I keep thinking I should feel worse. That…maybe…we shouldn’t be acting so fucking normal.” I nod because I feel the same way. “It’s unfair that we could lose someone without knowing if it would be a girl or a boy. Would the baby have your beautiful hair and those taupe eyes? Would the baby love music like you or play the guitar like me?”

I’m crying…again. It seems like I have been doing a lot of that lately. Josh brushes the tears away. “Baby? Please stop crying. Hear me out, kay?” Again, I nod. “We weren’t ready for that baby. I know that now. But, it didn’t seem right that we couldn’t bury the baby or give the baby a name. The baby deserves a name so we can remember.”

Josh exposes a silver linked bracelet with a round charm from his hand and dangles it in front of me. “What’s this?” I ask.

Hiding his green orbs, he looks down. He looks so young. “The baby deserved a name,” he almost whispers.

He wraps the bracelet around my wrist and clasps it. I look at the round charm dangling. I grab hold of it and read the black letters displayed in black lettering. “Lyric?” I ask.

Shyly he gives me a lopsided smile. “Yeah. I figured it would fit for a boy or a girl. He or she was the beginning of the words of our song that we will write together. Lyric will always be a part of our song.” I can’t stop the tears now. They are streaming down my face.

“I also had the baby’s name tattooed on my rib.” He picks his shirt up and reveals Lyric’s name beautifully sketched across the side of his left rib. He places himself back between my legs. “Please say something. Do you like the bracelet?”

My mouth lunges for him. He moves his lips over mine and his lip ring cuts in to my lip. His tongue moves in to my mouth and skillfully plays with mine. I break away before I make love to him. Because there is no doubt after these moments that we have shared together that we won’t.

“Josh, I love you. I will always love you. I have never loved anyone but you. I didn’t know what it was until I met you. You are my heart. The bracelet is perfect. Lyric is perfect. Thank you. Thank you.” I sob into his mouth.

Josh grazes his lips against mine. “You are forever imprinted on my heart.”

Our lips crash together and we remove our clothes in unison. As we join together we begin our life without fear and open hearts.

THE END

GET HELP FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

If you or someone you know is being abused, please contact the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

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