Authors: Jay Crownover
“Shaw was in Brookside this
weekend? You might not want to let your mom know that. She’s having a hard
time with the line Shaw drew in the sand. That little gal is just as stubborn
as you boys and I don’t think Margot was prepared for her to stick to her guns
the way she has. It’s awful nice of you to help her out Rome.”
I rolled my eyes at the automatic
assumption Rome was the one she called on even though he had already told him
it was my errand. I wasn’t going to say anything but Rome chuckled and patted
my dad on the back.
“Not me old-timer. Shaw and Rule have
called a truce. You should see them; they actually act civil and spend time
like normal people do together. He’s the one that told her he would get the
car, I just got roped into being the second driver.”
My dad looked over Rome’s broad shoulder
at me with shock clear on his face. “Really? You two were always at odds,
even when you were young.”
I shrugged. “I’m trying to grow up
a little bit. She’s been in my life a long time I’m trying to put that into a
new perspective. We get along fine.” Plus spending time with her naked as
often as possible was my new top priority in life and doing things that made
her happy and kept her safe also had the bonus of making me happy which was
such a new feeling I wasn’t sure what to do with it yet.
“Well maybe you can tell her how
hard it’s been for your mom without her around. Getting her to come by for a
visit would be lovely.”
“She has her reasons for staying
away dad.” My tone sharpened reflexively but I kept my face smoothed out
trying the belay the tension that was growing as we walked into the living room
where my mom was watching TV on the sofa. Her eyes snapped from Rome to me and
then back. Even from across the room I could feel the displeasure radiating
off of her.
“What are you doing here?” She
didn’t even look at Rome her eyes were glued to me and her anger was like a
whip across my skin. I shoved my hands in my pockets and met her gaze with a
level one of my own. I wasn’t going to let her get under my skin this time; I
owed it to my brother and to my girl.
“Just came by to say and see how
you’re doing.”
“I don’t want you here.” Rome went
stiff beside me and I heard my dad take in a quick intake of breath but I
wasn’t surprised.
“I know but I thought it wouldn’t
kill me to try and fix things.”
“Why bother you just ruin
everything.” Her voice was raspy and I swore I could see the hatred she
harbored hanging off of each syllable. My dad took a step forward but Rome
pulled him back. “Margot that’s enough. The boy is our son not a stranger
we’re going to just put out on the street because you’re unhappy with him right
now.”
“Dad it’s cool, I know how she
feels and she’s never hidden it.”
“What do you expect Rule? Because
of you your brother is in a box in the ground and the girl I think of as a
daughter won’t have anything to do with me. You’re a poison to this family.”
Well that was a little harsher and
a little blunter than she normally went for but it was finally out in the
open. I rubbed my fists in my eyes and bit out a sigh. My dad and Rome were
trying to talk over each other, both trying to get her to retract her awful
statements and telling her that none of it was true but it was to no avail.
“Hey, hey everybody stop. It’s
oaky, come on Rome don’t act like you’re shocked. She always blamed me because
I called him that night for a ride, it’s cool I get it. In fact I blamed
myself for a long time too until I realized it could have been a million other
reasons. It was an accident, an accident that took someone we all loved but
still an accident. She could blame the truck driver, she could blame Remy for
speeding, she could blame God for the rain or even the doctor in the O.R. for
not being good enough at his job but no, she blames me and always will and its
fine if that’s what she needs in order to keep it together I can shoulder that
load.” All three of them were looking at me with wide eyes. It was probably
the most I had said to my parents in one sitting in over five years and there
was no yelling or no temper tantrums. “Shaw is a smart girl and has strong
convictions so I refuse to let you put your actions and consequences with her
on me. She told you straight up what you needed to do in order to maintain
your relationship with her and you refused. No one is to blame for that but
you.”
“You don’t know anything about
Shaw. She is in a totally different league than you; she and Remy were both on
a far better path than you ever dreamed to walk.”
I just shook my head sadly and
jerked my head toward the door. “Mom you have no clue. Shaw’s the most
loving, kind, compassionate person in the world she would chew off her own arm
before trying to put herself above someone she cares about. She doesn’t give a
flip about this path or that path as long as everyone she loves is going
somewhere and at the end they are happy. I’m outta here. I have shit to do.
Dad it was good seeing you, surprisingly the first three minutes of this visit
were pretty good, Rome I’ll be in the truck.”
I turned to walk back down the
stairs and out the front door but her chilly voice stopped me cold. “Stay away
from Shaw, Rule. You’ll just end up hurting her like you did your brother.”
I wanted to tell her it was way too
late for that warning that I was beginning to know Shaw inside and out, that
she was becoming a critical part of me but I just met her cold gaze with one
that I’m sure held resigned sadness. “Good luck ever getting her back into the
Archer family fold with that kind of attitude mom. Keep it up and it’ll be a
cold day in hell before Shaw ever steps foot in this house again.”
“Why she would choose you over this
family is beyond me.”
I gave her the only answer there
was. “Because she thinks I’m worth it.”
I gave Rome a bland look and moved
around him being careful to avoid my dad. I didn’t look back to see if either
of them followed me but when I got outside I let out a pent up breath and
looked at the street blanketed in snow. Her words hurt, they always had but
instead of feeling self-destructive and alone like I normally did I could fully
see now that the issues were all hers and there was nothing I could do to
change her mind unless she actively sought out help. Too much time had passed
with me playing the role of the accused for me to offer any form of clarity up
to her.
“Son,” I was startled at the sound
of my dad’s voice. He had stopped to grab a jacket but followed me to the
driveway. Rome was nowhere to be seen. I shifted my feet in the powder and
shoved my hands deep in the pockets of my hoodie. “We need to talk about this.”
“So much for this always being my home
as well, huh dad?” I regretted it as soon as I said it. There was still a
little boy somewhere deep inside me that wanted his parent’s approval and no
matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t get him to shut up. “Sorry, that was
stupid.”
My dad shook his head and for once
I saw genuine remorse in his gaze. “I had no idea it had gotten this bad with
your mother, Rule. I’m not a fan of the crazy hair or the obsessive tattoos
all over every part of your body and it bugs me to no end that you purposely
dress like a hoodlum just to annoy us but I’ve never blamed you for what
happened to Remy. You were two very different boys, always were but I loved
you both the same. I heard what your mother said at the funeral but I
convinced myself it was just grief, just a mother’s overreaction to losing a
child too young. I honestly thought she would find her way clear of the sorrow
and depression but after today I see where Rome is coming from. We need help,
she needs help. I would never ban a child from my home pink hair, blue hair,
green hair none of it ultimately matters because I love you and I just want you
to be happy and live a good life. I would prefer you stop aggravating an old
man every chance you got while doing it, but I don’t want you to think that I
ever wish it was you and not Remy that night. It should have never happened to
this family, but it did and you are absolutely right that it was an accident.”
I stared at my dad like he was a
stranger. It was cold and I could barely feel my toes but my blood was pumping
fast and hard in my veins. “You’ve never said any of that to me before. You
normally just get mad and leave the room or let mom tear me apart at every
turn.”
“You’ve always been hard for me to
relate to Rule. Rome was my buddy, Remy was everybody’s best friend and you,
well you made your own path when you were just a little fella and I never felt
like you needed any kind of guidance from me to get where you wanted to go.
Your mother is fragile, more so than I thought and while I knew that what has
been happening over the last few years hasn’t done us any good as a family I
guess I kept hoping she would just snap out of it. The harsher we were the
more you fought back, you never let her get to you the way I think she wanted
and while I should have stopped it years ago I guess I see now how much damage
what we were doing could have done to you.”
“She wants me to be Remy.” Saying
it out loud to him felt like letting go of a lifetime of tightly held secrets.
He coughed and rubbed his thick
hands together. “She wants the easy relationship she had with Remy with you.
Remy wasn’t argumentative or problematic, he just went with the flow. Rome
knew we didn’t want him to join the military but he did it anyway because he’s
stubborn and determined to make a difference in the world. You were never easy
going and complacent. You hated curfew and any rule we imposed on you, you
were always creative and quirky but hard to relate to, we said go left and you went
backwards, she doesn’t have a son left that she can just dictate and manage.
She misses having someone to mother and Remy never minded her doing it for him
and neither did Shaw, but now Shaw has chosen a side and Margot is devolving
rapidly.”
“Dad I can’t come back here, not
like this. I appreciate everything you said today, in fact I wish you had said
it years ago and maybe I wouldn’t have a history of bad behavior and
questionable choices littering my history the way I do now, but I’m not going
to be her scapegoat anymore.”
He sighed and looked at the door as
Rome came out looking thunderous. “Something tells me you aren’t the only
Archer that is making that call.”
“Shaw too. I’m not going to let
mom use her as a pawn in this mess.”
“Yeah neither am I. She’s like a
daughter to me.”
Rome joined our little huddle and
boy did he look pissed. My eyes tended to be light and go silver or gray
whenever I felt a strong emotion, my brothers blazed a bright blue the color of
the base of a flame.
“She’s out of her damn mind.
Seriously dad she needs therapy and possibly drugs. I can’t believe she said
that shit to Rule.”
My dad sighed again and shifted
sending tufts of snow that had gathered on the shoulders of his jacket drifting
to the ground.
“I know son. I just told Rule I
recognize the problem is worse than I thought.”
“I only have a few weeks leave
left; you better let her know I won’t be back unless she gets her head on
right. I tried to tell her and she just started spouting nonsense about Rule
brainwashing everybody she cares about. She has straight up vilified him, her
own child. I refuse to support her treating him that way.”
“You’re both good boys. For right
now you two take care of each other and I’ll work on your mother. I love you
both. Don’t give up on us yet.”
We all shared a back pounding round
of hugs before Rome and I climbed back into the truck. I had to let the
massive motor heat up before the heater would pump out warm hair so while we
waited I stared out the snowy windshield in contemplation while Rome rattled on
about our mom. He was repulsed by her reaction to my surprise visit, I
wasn’t. I was however stunned by everything my dad had told me. I couldn’t
remember the last time anyone told me they loved me besides my brothers. I had
forgotten how nice it made me feel.
“You wanna take the Beamer or the
truck since it’s coming down pretty good now?”
“The BMW. I’ve seen you drive
little brother, you won’t make it back to Denver in one piece in that sports
car.”
He had a point and I wanted to get
back in one piece because I wanted to get Shaw a phone and pick her up from
work and spend the night in bed with her wrapped around me making her whisper
my name over and over in that husky voice and maybe, just maybe getting someone
to tell me they loved me would apply to her because I wasn’t sure, but that
slippery feeling in my chest sure felt a hell of a lot like love.
Shaw
I was still trying to figure out my
new phone. Instead of replacing my broken one with a replacement of the same
model Rule had gotten me the brand new version with all the bells and whistles
and the thing was ten times smarter than me. I was trying to text Ayden that I
was running late for our coffee date because one of my classes had run late. I
hadn’t seen her for more than a few minutes in the last couple of weeks so we
were meeting to catch up. She was still acting a little off but between always
staying at Rule’s place and having him crash at ours, to shifting my schedules
around at work and being constantly vigilant to avoid any kind of run in with
Gabe since the protection order had been shut down cold like Mark had
predicted, pinning her down and making her talk to me hadn’t been possible.
I was developing a pretty good
rhythm. On the days I worked I stayed on the Hill with Rule since his place
was closer to the bar and he didn’t mind coming to have a drink and waiting for
me to get off so he could take me home he and Lou were like the best of friends
now. On the days I was at school or volunteered he would show up sometimes
around dinner but often right before bedtime and spend the night at my
apartment. I had decided to drop my Saturday shift in order to have one
weekend night off to spend with him. He liked to go out on Friday and Saturday
nights with his friends so I figured it was cool to let him have a night to get
his bro-time in while I was working, plus it was fun to have a weekend day off
to go shopping or watch a movie when I was so used to being busy all the time.
Being with Rule was teaching me that my time was precious and I needed to spend
it doing things I wanted as well as the things that were required of me. That
was partly why I felt justified in ignoring the calls from my parent’s that had
been coming in nonstop since the trip to Brookside.