Rounding Third (13 page)

Rob had always wished he had blue eyes, and
tended to notice blue-eyed people, but Josh’s eyes were
so
green, so
sparkling, as though back-lit from within. As Rob got to know Josh, he actually
began to see some of that inner glow that made Josh’s eyes shine. Small tufts
of shaggy hair flared a bit over the tops of Josh’s small, cute ears. Rob
instantly found the ears adorable the way they were pinned back against his
head.  Rob always thought his own ears were a bit too big and stuck out a
little far from his thin face. 

Josh’s jaw tapered down to a square jaw that had a faint hint of
a cleft. Rob studied that chin for the slightest hint that it had ever been
shaved. A razor had still never touched Rob’s face, either. 

Rob didn’t know who the boy was. Harrisonburg
Senior High School was small enough that Rob thought he knew everyone by sight,
if not by name. He had made an effort to befriend a few guys he particularly
liked, but with poor results and like a dog that chases cars, he often wondered
what he would do if he ever caught one. Now Rob had caught Josh--or Josh had
caught and cornered Rob in the locker room--and things could never be the same.
He had viewed his whole life badly up to this point so there seemed no reason
to think this could possibly turn out well.

He hated Josh. For catching him. For touching
him. For making him admit to himself that he liked being touched. Deny it as he
might, his still-raging body told the truth. The jock he had soaked with his
desires didn’t lie. 

Rob hated Josh for being queer. How could his
hero, the man he’d longed for, be a goddamned homo? He cursed Josh with every
cruel and crude name he had ever heard for
cock-sucking faggots
. He
suddenly stopped. He could never hate Josh. He loved Josh. No matter what Josh
was, no matter what Josh did, he loved him. But why, oh God, why, was he born
being attracted to guys? And worse, why did Josh have to be?

He knew he couldn’t have a boyfriend or fool
around with guys; that just could never happen. At best when he had fantasized
about life with Josh, it was a celibate coexistence: The two of them as buds.
Best friends who did everything together. They would wrestle together, play
basketball together, play in a swimming pool together, even shower and sleep
together, but he had never imagined himself having sex with Josh. Well, almost
never. And never real sex. Just a tender touch, maybe a kiss. A hug. Like Butch
and Sundance. Very close guy friends, who lived together and who never had
girlfriends.

 He had tried to convince himself that
he never wanted sex with Josh even as he lusted after him from that first day
when Josh arrived at their school. He vividly remembered every detail of every
interaction he’d ever had with Josh. He didn’t know what color Meg’s eyes were,
but he knew the location of each of Josh’s few freckles. 

When they had passed that first day in the
hall Josh had smiled at him. The next day, as they passed, Josh said hi, but
Rob had not responded. It was as though a beautiful painting or statue had
spoken, a turn of events which caught Rob completely off guard and unable to
speak.

    
He spent the next week trying to think of something to say to Josh. A few times
he caught himself thinking of it as an
opening line
but that sounded too
much like a
pick-up line
and he’d immediately shut out the thought.
After all, he didn’t want to date Josh; he just wanted to say
Hi
. Be his
friend.

    
 Rob’s lack of response must have convinced the new kid to give up saying
hi, because he stopped. Then Josh started hanging out with Taylor, Brickman,
Poulan and the rest. Rob cursed himself for his cowardice in blowing his
chance.

    
Rob had only wanted a friend. Someone to do things with. Rob saw his sister and
mother sharing moments and at times was jealous that he lacked that sort of
intimacy with anyone. He could never picture himself being that close to his
father. Like the hunting incident, their few attempts at bonding had ended in
disaster. Now he had bonded with Josh and that was a different kind of
disaster.

    
 Josh’s voice telling him he had wanted him from that first day kept
running through his head like a song. Why didn’t he have the nerve to tell Josh
that he had lusted for him from the first moment he saw him, and loved him more
each day that he got to know him? 

    
Rob hadn’t wanted to return Josh’s shirt when it was left in his room. He
wanted that smell and Josh’s presence to linger and now he couldn’t bring
himself to shower off the remnants of Josh that still clung to him. He turned
off the shower and hollered downstairs, “Mom, I’m not feeling well. I’m going
to skip dinner and just go to bed.”

    
Whatever she said in reply he didn’t hear since he was already closing his
door.

                       
17

There was a tap at the door to Rob’s room.
“Yeah,” he said still waking up.

    
“Bobby, Josh is on the phone,” Meg yelled through the door.

    
He pulled a sheet over his naked body. “Come in.”

    
She entered, still talking on the cordless phone. “...I can’t wait to see you
in your baseball uniform...” Rob reached out for the phone. Ordinarily he would
have found his sister’s flirting amusing, but just hearing Josh’s name had
caused severe spasms in his stomach and chest. “...What number are you, so I’ll
be able to spot you?”

    
“Give me the phone.”

    
“...Cool. Do you know when you’re pitching again?”

    
“Give me the damn phone and close the door on your way out!”

    
“...I think sick boy is saying something, hang on...”

    
As Meg got close, Rob snatched the phone from her. She gave him a dirty look,
but turned and left shutting the door behind her.

    
“Hey.” Josh’s voice sounded hesitant, as though he were testing the waters.
“How are you?”

    
“I couldn’t sleep,” Rob answered.

    
“Me neither. I’m so sorry about yesterday. I don’t want you to hate me.”

    
Rob had already decided he didn’t hate Josh. Far from it. But he hated himself.
He didn’t answer. Josh was also silent. A car whizzing by in the background
broke the silence.

    
“Where are you?”

    
“Pay phone at the
7-11
. I couldn’t call from home. I really need to talk
to you. We have a game in three hours and I’m not going to be able to play
if...”

    
“I can’t,” Rob cut in.

    
“Why?”

    
“I don’t know what to say,” Rob answered.

    
“You hate me, don’t you?”

    
“I don’t hate you.”

    
“Do you still like me? Are we still friends?”

    
“Yeah.”

    
“Are you coming to the game?” Josh asked.

    
“I dunno.”

    
“I’m not sure if I can take seeing you there and not know what’s going on.”

    
“Then I won’t come.”

    
“I want you to.”

    
“Then I’ll come.”

    
“Can I see you now?” Josh begged. There was a long pause then the pay phone
digested the money. “I’m almost out of time. Please. The cemetery.”

    
“Okay.”

           
He wanted to reach out and comfort
Josh, but right now he was incapable of comforting anyone, least of all
himself. He pulled on some sweats and headed downstairs and out the back door.

         
*                     
*                     
*                     
*                     
*
   

    
Josh’s car was parked next to the Fyfes’ final resting place. He leapt off the
bench when Rob approached. On the far side of the cemetery an old woman was
placing flowers at a grave. Josh waited until Rob got close then sat back down
and looked down. “I don’t know why I...”

    
“You did because I wanted you to.”

    
Josh looked up. “You did?”

    
“Since the first day I saw you.”

    
“Oh, God. I was so scared. I thought I had messed up again.”

    
“Again?”

    
“When I was about twelve. At Christian camp. Me and another boy. Garren Munson.
We got caught. My father beat the hell out of me and they’ve been suspicious
ever since.”

    
“That’s why they screen your friends?”

    
“Yeah.”

    
“Did you think I looked queer?”

    
“Not at all. You freaked out so bad yesterday that I was afraid I’d guessed
wrong, you’d tell the world and...”

    
“I’d never tell anyone. Who would I tell?” Rob asked.

    
“Have you ever...?”

    
“No. Never.”

    
“I was just with Garren when I was twelve. Do you want to?”

    
“Only with you.”

    
Josh’s grin went up and down at the same time. “Thank you.”

    
“For what?”

    
“Everything. But now I need to get home, eat, sleep, shower and get ready for
the game.”

    
“My parents were leaving to take Meg to a meet in North Olmsted. The house will
be empty by the time I get home.”

    
“You want me to come over?”

    
Rob’s voice failed so he nodded.

    
Nearby, four cars unloaded a dozen old men each with an armload of small flags.
Rob noticed one of them was at the Wardell plot decorating a few of his
ancestors’ graves for Memorial Day.

    
They drove home in silence. Rob was concentrating on breathing. As they entered
the kitchen, Josh said, “What do you want to do?”

    
“I’m trying to decide if I’m hungrier than I am tired or tireder than I’m
hungry.”

    
“It’s up to you.” Josh said, his nervousness rising even as Rob was beginning
to get his under control.

    
“I think I’m too smelly to eat or sleep until I shower.”

    
Josh took a step closer. “You smell great.” He leaned in as though to kiss Rob
and Rob backed away. “I’m sorry,” Josh said. “I don’t want to rush you. We can
take things as slow as you want.”

    
Rob nodded. “Let’s go upstairs.”

    
He got Josh a guest towel from the linen closet. Rob went into the bathroom and
started to close the door but at the last second decided not to shut it all the
way. He stripped down and stepped into the hot stream. The water had just begun
to cascade over him when heard the door hinge squeak. Rob looked through the
opaque glass to where Josh now stood, shirtless. Josh dropped his pants and Rob
could make out the shape of the perfect body through the frosted shower door.
The door slid open and there stood Joshua Schlagel, naked.

“Do you mind?” Josh asked.

Rob stepped back to let him in. Rob watched
as the water clung to Josh’s body, smoothing out the few hairs that decorated
Josh’s chest. Rob was not aware that he had given his hands the command to
rise, but he watched them reaching out for Josh’s chest. He would have sworn
his hands were doing this on their own, independent of the rest of him, but the
message they sent back to his brain of the smooth firmness of Josh’s body let
him know that he was indeed touching Josh’s flesh. He gently caressed Josh’s
chest afraid that if he touched it more firmly, like something grasped in a
dream, it might wake him up and end the beautiful moment.

Josh reached up and put his hand behind Rob’s
head and felt his hair. “How is your head? Feels like you have a bump.”

Josh used that hand to hold Rob’s head still
and bring it closer. Rob had no will to resist and he felt Josh’s lips press
onto his and was sure he had lost all feeling in every part of his body but his
lips. Josh’s lips were so much softer than he could have imagined. Like
lambskin stuffed with cotton, they were so gentle. Rob involuntarily opened his
lips for Josh.

After a long, long shower during which they
silently explored each other’s bodies with their hands and mouths, Josh broke
the spell. “I hate to spoil this, but we really should get some rest before the
game.”

Rob nodded. After toweling off, Rob took
Josh’s hand and led him to his bed. They curled up in bed with Rob spooned
against Josh’s back. Rob was exhausted. Drained in ways he never knew he could
be. Josh quickly drifted off to sleep while Rob held him.

Rob realized he hadn’t set an alarm and as
tired as he was knew if he fell asleep they might not wake in time for the game
and now he couldn’t pull his arm out from under Josh without waking him. But
Rob also didn’t want to sleep. He was perfectly happy just holding Josh. As
wrong as his life had been to this point he never dreamed he would have ever
felt so right. He slowly caressed Josh’s chest and lightly kissed and licked Josh’s
shoulder.