Rhapsody (The Bellator Saga Book 5) (11 page)

“You’re taking this way too personally, Jack.”

His head shot up. “Excuse me?”

“You think she’s not upset too?”

Jack couldn’t chase the bitterness from his voice as he surveyed the room. “She might be a little upset.”

“You need to stop taking her actions as a personal affront, as a commentary on you. You’ve been doing it ever since she got here.”

He wasn’t sure why he called Natalie, but it certainly wasn’t so she could come over to yell at him. What the hell? “I have not.”

“You have. Remember Buchanan?” Natalie pointed a finger at him. “You should have kicked him out the instant he pulled that crap with her. He could have killed her. We’re all quite lucky he didn’t.”

“She was fine,” Jack said, his teeth clenched.

“No, she wasn’t. She wasn’t fine then and she’s not fine now. But you and your poor little ego couldn’t stand that you couldn’t make her forget the past year and fall into your arms the instant she arrived. So you said fuck it and kept him here. And told her she basically had to kowtow to you or suck it up and be treated like shit. You pulled this alpha male ‘I’m the commander’ crap every time she challenged you. To prove what point, I don’t know.”

That seemed like an unfair characterization. “Caroline told me she wanted to be treated like any other soldier. That’s exactly what I did.”

Natalie rolled her eyes. “You know damn well you crossed the line, several times.”

“So did she.”

“That’s not the point. You were the one in control.”

“I don’t like the way this conversation is going.”

“Tough shit. I laid into her and I’m going to lay into you. You can’t expect her to be more than she is right now. She’s undergone tremendous physical and psychological trauma, even if we don’t know all the details. It’s amazing she’s still as sharp as she is. She forgot one date. Big deal.”

Natalie’s attitude was too much. He tried like hell not to snap at Caroline but Dr. Haddad could handle his anger. “It
is
a big deal,” he said. “It’s our life! Our life together.”

“I know it is,” she said gently. “But your life is different now. You’re both different. Nothing is the same. And that’s why you’re upset.”

Goddammit. His doctor’s tendency to remain calm in the face of a temper tantrum and provide stunning insight in return bordered on exasperating. “It is not.”

“Then why?” Natalie asked. “Why are you upset?”

Jack closed his eyes, turning away so she wouldn’t notice him brush the tear off his cheek. “It used to be easy,” he whispered. “So easy for us to be together. It was automatic, it was comfortable, it was effortless. We could be apart for days or weeks at a time and pick up where we’d left off. That’s all gone away. I’ve tried everything. Giving her space, prodding her, pulling back again. Nudging her, like you said. But nothing has worked.”

He scanned the room again. “She was such a phenomenal woman. I hate thinking about what must have happened to her to make her this way. They destroyed her, Natalie. They fucking destroyed her.” He put his face in his hands.

“They didn’t,” she said, squeezing his shoulder. “She’s just convinced herself that they have. Caroline is in tremendous pain, Jack. And she’s tired. She used up a lot of strength when she was being held prisoner and believes she doesn’t have any left. She never properly processed her grief and anger and by the time she got to us…well, we did what we could. We have to keep trying.
You
have to keep trying, because you’re the only one who knows who she used to be.”

He lifted his head up. “Sometimes she curls up next to me and doesn’t say a word, and I know she’s thinking of all the things she can’t tell me. She won’t talk about any of it. Especially our children.”

“It’s too hard for her. I tried, because you wanted me to.”

Maybe he
had
given Natalie too much direction. “I know you did. But I thought she’d want to talk to me about it, eventually.” Jack thought about the photos he had stashed in the dresser. He hardly ever looked at them either. Maybe Caroline’s circumvention wasn’t all that unusual. “She’s the only one I can talk to about any of this.”

“She feels a lot of guilt about things that aren’t her fault, and what happened to your children is at the top of the list. It’s like pulling teeth to get her to speak about anyone she loves.”

“How did you figure all of this out?”

Natalie smiled shyly. “I listened when she wasn’t talking.”

Like he needed another reminder of how disconnected he was. Jack lowered his head. “I feel like I should know all of this.”

“She hasn’t been communicating with you. And you better not feel guilty about it, either. Don’t add anything else to your plate.”

“This is too much, Natalie. I don’t think I can help her. How can I when I can’t even intuitively know what she needs?”

“So you’re upset because you have to try? Because you have to work at it?”

Trust the doctor to get at the root of the issue. “I suppose. I don’t know.”

“Guess what, Commander? Marriage is work. Life is work. And even if you didn’t realize it, you were working on your relationship back then, too. Or at least, she was.”

“Are you saying I’m a slacker husband?”

Natalie tried not to smile. “No. But the situation is different now. You’re romanticizing the past. That’s almost as bad as Caroline trying to forget it. You have to change your approach.”

The prospect of trying to find another tactic that wouldn’t fail left him gloomy. “I’m sick of changing it,” Jack said. “I can’t make her happy.”

“You can’t put that on yourself,” Natalie said. “Happiness is something that comes from within. You might be able to help her with it, but you are not the sole reason for her happiness. And you know that.”

“She used to be so joyful. And it was so easy for her. It seemed like it took no effort at all.”

“I can assure you that it probably took a great deal of effort. She just didn’t advertise it.”

“Why can’t she act that way now?”

Natalie sighed. “I’m not sure she thinks she deserves to be happy anymore. And it’s much more difficult for her to behave that way without reliving any number of things she’s trying to forget.”

“How am I supposed to help her, then?”

“Patience. Loads of patience.”

He was running out of that. Rather quickly. “I don’t know if I can continue with an imitation of what I want our life together to be.”

“That’s not what you’re doing. You can’t expect her to live up to this false expectation of what you had before. Be content with what you can get from her now.”

“That’s not enough.” Jack rolled the engagement ring between his fingers. “I’ve been lying. Trying to convince her that I’m okay with us being friends. When I know it isn’t true. I can’t do this anymore.”

“You can’t give up, Jack. She needs you too much.”

He put the ring on the nightstand. “She hates me. She hates being here. I don’t know how much more I can take.”

“Caroline loves you.”

Oh, if only Natalie could have seen some of their recent arguments on a hidden camera. She’d change her tune. “No, she doesn’t. Maybe she felt that way once, but she doesn’t anymore.”

“You don’t believe that.”

He wasn’t sure what he believed anymore. Every mood swing gave him another reason to question his wife’s motivations. “Look around this room. You think this is proof she cares?”

Natalie gripped his shoulders, hard enough to hurt. “No. It’s proof she knows you won’t leave.”

“Excuse me?”

“She knows she can get away with this behavior because you love her. She’s not taking advantage of it, but she trusts you enough to know what she can do without you turning on her. I’m not saying it’s fair; it isn’t. But you’re the only person she trusts completely.”

“You’re wrong.”

“You know I’m right.”

“She has you. She has her friends.”

Natalie gave him the kind of look that usually meant she was going to start in on a lecture. “You know it’s not the same. She’s depending on you, Jack. Even if she can’t say it out loud. You’re getting so close to smashing that wall. So incredibly close. And she can’t handle it.”

As far as lectures went, that hadn’t been too bad. “So she’s lashing out?”

“Yes. She’s trying to hold it together and knows she can’t do it much longer. She doesn’t want to feel anything and you’re forcing her to be vulnerable.”

None of this sounded good. Or healthy. “Why did you clear her for that mission when she was in this condition?”

Natalie gave him a sheepish look. “She’s only this way around you.”

“Am I supposed to take that as a compliment?”

“I have no idea.”

He didn’t feel all that flattered. “She’s threatened to leave. If she needs me so much, why did she do that?”

“Did she go through with it?”

“No.”

“There’s your answer. She was bluffing. You know she was.” Natalie squeezed his shoulder again. “I shouldn’t be sharing this with you, but the way she spoke during our sessions…she trusts you, Jack. More than anyone. More than me, more than her friends, more than herself.”

How could she say that with a straight face? “I find that hard to believe.”

She rubbed her eyes. “Shit, I’m really crossing a line here. You have to understand…Caroline is angry with you. Or angry at something, I don’t know. But even when she was being unkind, it was obvious she trusted in you.”

“That makes no sense.”

“When she started therapy, she hated it. Hated being with me. I could tell. And I’d give her these empty threats, telling her she had to cooperate or she’d be shown the door. And she knew you wouldn’t kick her out. She believed in you. She knew you would never give up on her.”

“That’s not trust. That’s knowing my weaknesses.”

“No,” Natalie corrected. “She knows you’ll take care of her. Even if she’s not with you. You can’t mess that up. If she stops believing that, I don’t know what she’ll do.”

“I’m not strong enough to deal with her anymore. I can’t take it.”

“Don’t give up, Jack. You’re the only person she truly believes will always be there for her. You’re her constant.”

There was so much information Natalie wasn’t privy to. The kind of information that would reveal him for who he really was. “You don’t know all the circumstances under which we were separated,” he said. “I don’t think she has that kind of faith in me. Not anymore.”

“Of course she does. Whatever you blame yourself for, she doesn’t feel the same way. She knows you’ll always do the right thing.”

Jack shook his head. It wasn’t worth arguing over. “Do you know what it’s like, being in the same space with her? Sometimes she acts like I don’t exist. There are days when she doesn’t say a word to me. Then there are these flickering moments when I can see who she used to be, even if it’s just for a minute. And I think maybe she’s back, really back. Then she retreats again and it’s gone.” He turned toward the wall. “Sometimes those snippets of her old personality are worse than when she ignores me. I love her so much and she’s so far away from me. Maybe it’s not worth the fight.”

Natalie gripped his shoulder again. “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid, Jack.”

He whipped to face her. “Natalie-”

“Promise me. You give up and she won’t have anything left. You love each other. Neither one of you can give up because I won’t let you.”

“I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Keep trying. I swear to you, it will work.” She pulled Jack to his feet. “We’d better clean this mess up before she gets back. Let’s go.”

*              *              *              *              *

Caroline tossed the flashlight in the air before dropping it on the floor. She would never be a successful baton twirler or even a marginally capable flashlight user. She tapped on the apartment door with the butt of the flashlight, assuming the occupant wasn’t home. But it was worth a shot. The door opened quicker than she had anticipated.

“Uh, hi,” she said.

Gig looked surprised to see her. “Hey. How are you?”

His hesitance was yet another reminder that she hadn’t spent any time with him, or any of the guys, in a very long time. She shoved her hands behind her back. “Uh, okay. How are you?”

“Getting by.” He opened the door a little wider. “Crunch and Jonesie are here too.”

Caroline would accept that social cue. She followed him inside the apartment. “I guess none of us are sleeping, huh?”

Gig took a seat in the recliner next to the TV. “Not lately.”

Crunch and Jones were sitting on the couch. A Dodgers/Padres game was on.

“Hey, stranger,” Jones said.

Caroline smiled. “Baseball. You guys should have invited me over. I didn’t know whether they were still playing.”

“California League playoffs,” Crunch said. “Quality’s gone down a bit.”

She’d been sneaking peeks at a few broadcasts throughout the summer. Caroline sat down between the two of them, putting the flashlight on the coffee table. “Baseball is baseball.”