Rhapsody (The Bellator Saga Book 5) (24 page)

“Oh,” she said. “
That
. I’ve done that. Quite a bit.” She gasped as he trailed his fingers up and down her legs. “I wasn’t aware that was in my job description.”

“It is now.”

“I feel like that might violate any number of labor laws.”

“Are you going to complain about it?”

She laughed when he pinned her down. “No.”

*              *              *              *              *

“We really need to get out of bed soon,” Caroline said. “Won’t our muscles start to atrophy or something?”

His wife kept dropping hints and Jack kept ignoring them. Of course, she was plainly ignoring them as well. “We’ve burned far more calories than we’ve consumed the past few days. I don’t think that’s an issue.”

“But you have stuff to do. And so do I.”

“You want to go back to work?”

“Gotta do it sometime.”

If it were up to him, she’d no longer be in a combat role. But that was a discussion he wasn’t ready to have yet. He had to talk to his advisors first. Make her position official. More than just a random mention at a staff meeting. “
Sometime
is not now,” he said.

Caroline grinned at him. “I’m sorry, the revolution has to be postponed because the commander is too busy banging his wife.”

Good. Let her think he was more worried about getting in her pants than transferring her to a different assignment. “We’ve done more than have sex the last few days.”

“That’s all we’ve done. You haven’t picked your phone up once.”

In actuality, he’d sneaked a couple of quick text messages when she was napping. “We’ve done more than that,” he said. “I made you pancakes that one morning.”

“Yes. Those were good. Then we had sex on the kitchen floor.”

Only because she’d insisted on leaving the bedroom. “We talked on the couch that one time.”

“Indeed we did,” Caroline said. “Which lasted about fifteen minutes before we almost broke the only semi-decent piece of furniture we have.”

“That couch needs to be replaced anyway. And we’ve gotten up to bathe. More than once.”

“Together,” she said.

He wasn’t going to pass up that opportunity, no. “We’ve gotten that one good night of sleep, too.”

“Because of sex.”

She was trying like hell not to laugh at him. Jack raised an eyebrow. “Are you complaining?”

“Certainly not. But you need to go back to work sometime. Aren’t your minions wondering where you are?”

“You’ve been around long enough to know my advisors can function without me. Pretty well, I’d say. The media rollout of the records is our next big step. They’ve been coordinating since before we had that strategy meeting. They don’t need me there in order to do it.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to spend every waking moment with me.”

Jack pulled her closer. “Caroline, I
want
to spend every moment, waking or not, with you. I made it clear to my staff the instant you were released from the hospital that you, and only you, were my primary concern.”

“You have to go back to work,” she insisted. “Soon.”

Damn it, he knew they couldn’t hide away forever. Especially if she was going to be brought into the inner circle. But she deserved to relax, and time in bed fit the bill. Another day or two couldn’t hurt. “I will. But I can enjoy this for a little bit. Enjoy us. Right?”

“I guess.”

It wouldn’t hurt to see where she was at. “If I go back to work, you go too,” he pointed out. “Are you ready for that?”

“I think so. I’m pain-free at this point. You going to restrict my activities?”

“No comment,” Jack said, smiling. “But you need to gain some weight. I’ve been meaning to tell you that.”

“I’m too skinny?”

Shit. He hoped she wouldn’t take that comment the wrong way. Maybe he needed to explain better. “Yes. Of course I noticed when you got here but it wasn’t until-” He reddened. That was not the best way to start.

She patted his hand. “It wasn’t an issue until you saw me naked, was it?” Her expression changed. “Is that a bad thing?”

A hasty clarification was in order. “No,” he said. “You are beautiful. But I think you’d feel better if you were closer to your fighting weight.” He grinned. “Even if your relative lightness of being makes it easier for me to toss you around while we’re having all this sex you keep nitpicking about.”

Caroline sighed. “I never thought I’d have to gain weight. I usually had the opposite problem.”

“I can fix you more pancakes,” he offered.

She kissed him lightly. “Or buy me more chocolate.” She paused again. “Does it bother you because it reminds you of what happened to me?”

Sometimes her perceptiveness was more annoying than useful. Jack averted his eyes. “A little. I have to get used to it, I guess.”

Caroline put her arms around him. “Please don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll start stuffing my face more often. I promise.”

“And we’ll start talking more. Really talking. Does that sound like a plan?”

“Absolutely.”

He’d have to talk to her about logistics. About intelligence. About all the things that only his closest advisors knew. She deserved to hear it all. But in the meantime… “Let me do naughty things to you and I’ll make you breakfast.”

“You make me breakfast anyway.”

His hand slid down her thigh. “But this morning I’ll make it faster.”

“And all I have to do is let you have your way with me?”

“Depends. How fancy a breakfast do you want?”

She closed her eyes as he tickled her legs. “French toast?”

“You’ll have to do more than lay back and think of England for that one.”

“What if I just want a bowl of cereal?”

“Milk?”

“Dry. I don’t even need a spoon. I can eat it with my hands like a classy lady.”

He dove under the sheets. “Be quiet.”

*              *              *              *              *

Caroline didn’t mind the lack of sleep. She liked cuddling into her husband’s shoulder, listening to him laugh, taking the time to catch up on the silly conversations that once seemed so painful. But then reality would rear its ugly head and take over again. She couldn’t escape it no matter how hard she tried, even if the two of them had been constantly tangled up in sex and charm and catnaps. She’d stiffen at inopportune times, occasionally shy away after he kissed her, roll over and clench her pillow when the memories would be too much. Some things couldn’t be shared. Not yet. Jack was getting better at picking up on it, especially when they were both awake and coherent.

He touched her shoulder. “You seem far away,” he whispered. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Not really
. “I don’t know.”

“Can you try?”

She felt obligated to give him
something.
Caroline rested her head on his chest. “Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine we’re at home.”

“We
are
home.”

He could feed her breakfast in bed. Brew her tea. Give her mini foot massages as they relaxed on the couch. But it wasn’t quite the same. “No, we’re not. Not really.”

“You don’t feel at home with me?”

It sounded so lame for her to say it out loud. “I just – I miss it. Our house. Our bed.” Caroline sighed. “Maybe I
am
superficial.”

Jack kissed her forehead. “I think about it too.”

She knew he was right. That she had to remember the good times and not spend every waking moment repressing them. But it hurt so much when she did it. “I imagine us in that big bed in our house in Philadelphia. Together. And me the way I used to be. Without any scars.”

He wrapped his arms around her. She had a feeling it would be a while before he let go. “I miss what we used to have too. But you need to start letting those memories make you happy. Let what we have now make you happy too.”

“You do make me happy,” she said softly. “These past few days have been wonderful. I just-”

I don’t just miss the house. I miss everything. Everyone. Mo. Feef.

No, she couldn’t go there. Not yet. She’d managed to get to a decent place and if she let that whirlpool drag her under she’d never come up for air again.

“There’s nothing you can do to wreck what we’ve gotten back,” Jack said. “We’ve come so far and we’re never going to that dark place again.”

Even at her most taciturn he could read her better than anyone else. “I know. I just – I miss it. I miss it all.”

“It’s normal to miss them,” he said softly.

Of course he knew. He always knew. “I can’t talk about the girls. Not yet.”

“I know. You’re allowed to miss things, sweetheart. And you’re allowed to have moments when you grieve, when you ache, when you wish for the past. But you’re allowed to be joyful too. You can’t survive without either one. The good or the bad. It’s all part of who you are.”

She curled in closer. “Stop being logical.”

He laughed. “That’s what I do best. Sometimes.”

“So much has happened since then. I feel like a completely different person.” She rubbed her wrists. “I
am
a completely different person.”

“Not as different as you think.” Jack kissed her cheek. “Your scars are proof that you healed. That your wounds aren’t permanent. That you conquered evil.”

Those seemed like dismissive words coming from a man who had wept at her feet after seeing them for the first time. It was easier to pretend to let go than to actually do it. “I don’t like them,” Caroline mumbled.

“I know you don’t. But they’re part of what makes you so beautiful to me.”

She sat up and gave him a skeptical look.

“I’m not kidding,” Jack said softly. “Someday everyone will know exactly what you endured to preserve your ideals and protect what we’re trying to do.” He closed his eyes. “They’re further proof that you’re a better person than you think you are.”

She couldn’t stay away from him for long when he said things like that. Caroline nestled into his arms. “Have I told you lately what a good man you are?”

Jack chuckled. “No. But you know how much I love to hear it.”

She closed her eyes. He’d hate her abrupt subject change but she wasn’t quite done pursuing the issue. “Do you think the house is still there?”

He sighed. “I don’t know. Hopefully someday we can find out.”

“I wonder if anything we had is left. We see the propaganda the government is passing off as news, but who knows how accurate it is?”

“They’ve done their best to portray us as traitors. All of us, not just you. Maybe the records release will change that.”

“It’s the biggest hope we have,” Caroline said. “I don’t want to resort to violence.”

“Neither do I.” Jack laughed again. “Hell, you’d probably beat the crap out of half those men before they knew what hit them.”

She’d done a good job of suppressing those tendencies and wanted to keep it that way. “Very funny.”

There was a topic that had been on her mind, and things had been going so well that maybe it was time to address it. A dangerous move. There was a calculated risk in every conversation she started. Whether they’d be able to decompress afterward, attempting to function as a couple. Whether she should damn the torpedoes and accept the risk, knowing she could return to her safe space – how she felt when she was in his arms.

“Can I ask you something?” Caroline said. “Something that might upset you?”

“I guess so.”

He didn’t sound too enthused, which was fair. A statement like that was bound to provoke a negative response. But she plowed ahead. “Promise me you won’t get angry. I don’t want to start an argument. Okay?”

“Okay.”

He was preparing himself for a heated discussion. She’d make sure it didn’t come to that. “Why didn’t you pull me back from that mission?” she asked.

Jack hesitated. “I don’t understand your question.”

“You wanted to do it. You had the power to do it. I assume your advisors were telling you to do it. They wanted to pull me back themselves. So, why didn’t you?”

“I-” He shifted away from her on the bed, sitting up. Oh, that wasn’t good. “Has that been bothering you?”

It was one of the least of her concerns. But she definitely found it peculiar. “No,” she said. “I’m just trying to understand you better.”

Jack laughed. “You haven’t figured me out yet?”

She smiled. “You’re a predictably unpredictable enigma.”

“Doesn’t that sound familiar.” He brought her back into his arms. “I wanted to. When you were about to get on that damn helicopter, I wanted to pull you back. Even if it meant locking you in my apartment until you came to whatever senses I thought you were missing.”

“But you didn’t.”

He clicked his teeth. “You’ve had so much taken from you, sweetheart. I didn’t want to strip your autonomy away too.”