'It was something you said at the twins' launch. You said you couldn't stop thinking about me, and I suddenly twigged. ' I turned my back to him again as I continued to stir the steaming risotto. A rich aroma filled the air.
'Well, it's true, Rose, ' I heard him say, quietly. 'I can't stop thinking about you. And I miss you. You're still my wife after all. '
'For the time being, ' I said coolly as I poured in some stock.
'Yes, I know. For the time being. And when I saw you at the ball I was longing to talk to you, but somehow I'd got myself caught up with Mary-Claire. She'd have gone ballistic if I'd spoken to you, so I just had to watch you from afar. And I thought, that's my wife, that amazing-looking woman over there; she's
my
wife, and she's dancing with someone else. Who, er, was he by the way?' he added carefully as I washed the salad.
'That was Theo. '
'Theo? Oh. I see. So, are you… ?'
'Are we what? Oh… wo, ' I said. 'Not that it's any of your business, Ed—I told you, he's my flatmate, that's all. We're simply happy cohabitees. '
'You're obviously on very friendly terms. '
'We are. I've learned a lot from Theo actually. '
'Like what?'
'Well, for example, that our galaxy alone is so big, that it takes the sun 225 million years just to go round its centre once. Isn't that incredible?'
'Mmm, ' he said furrowing his brow.
'Just think, the last time it completed a full circuit the first dinosaurs were roaming the earth. I wonder what the planet will be like 225 million years from now?' I mused.
'I wonder, ' he said in a bored kind of way.
'I've learned that there are galaxies which actually steal stars from neighbouring galaxies. '
'Really? They should be reported. '
'And I've learned that the Andromeda galaxy is on a direct collision course with our own one. It's going to crash into the Milky Way in a billion years. '
'Oh. Well, there goes the neighbourhood. '
I smiled. 'I've also learned that the Hubble telescope is so powerful that it could focus on a single lit match in London from as far away as Tokyo. ' I shook my head. 'It's just
amazing
. It makes you view things in a different way. '
'Hhhm, ' he said. 'But I don't want to talk about astronomy, Rose, I want to talk about us. ' And now, as I warmed the plates, and laid the table, I heard Ed's voice as if in a dream.
'Just wish we could put the clock back… got ourselves in a mess… I behaved like a complete jerk, Rose… but I felt so neglected by you… And I tried to tell you but you wouldn't listen… you were completely obsessed. I wanted you to take notice of me, ' he concluded. 'But you wouldn't, so I decided I'd make you, and Mary-Claire was very pushy and so… '
'It's true, I did neglect you, ' I admitted as I took the risotto off the heat. 'I wasn't very wifely, was I?'
'Well, to be honest, no. And you were so difficult to live with. '
'Yes, I probably was. '
'It was as though you didn't really
like
living with me. You were so unrelaxed. '
Suddenly, Rudy woke up and began to shake his wings.
'Ed, I've told you to take your shoes off when you come in!' he shouted in my voice.
'I was difficult, ' I said with a laugh.
'You're a fucking nightmare!' Rudy shouted in Ed's voice now. Ed's face was a mask of horror.
'Did I really talk to you like that?'
'You did, but then you were rather provoked. I'm sorry I wasn't a good spouse, ' I said as I sprinkled parmesan shavings onto the rice. 'You deserved better, but I just got so engrossed in the new job. ' I tossed the salad then we sat down to eat, saying nothing for a minute or two. Just sitting opposite each other, having dinner together in a way we'd rarely done before.
'Rose, ' he said quietly. 'I know I don't have the right to ask you this, but have you met anyone else yet?' I stared at him. Why should I tell him? '
Have
you met anyone else?' he pressed me.
'Well, hhhm. No. Not yet. Why do you ask?'
'Because, well… I'd like to put the divorce on hold, that's why. That's really what I came round to say. '
'Why didn't you say it over the phone?'
He rested his left hand on the table, then drew in his breath.
'Because I knew it was something I could only do face to face. Getting the divorce papers was just terrible, ' he went on dismally. 'It took me ages to sign them because I simply didn't want to. ' So
that
was why he'd delayed. 'And then seeing you attacked in the press like that made me feel so awful; and it made me realise how much you still mean to me. I wanted to protect you, but I couldn't. Please, Rose, can't we try again? Please,
Rose, ' he repeated softly. 'I still love you, and I feel we never really gave ourselves a proper chance. We married far too quickly and then it all imploded, and you left, and I haven't been happy since. Have
you
been happy, Rose?' I looked into his warm, brown eyes, and felt something inside me shift. 'Have you?' he repeated quietly.
'Not really, Ed. I've just coped. I've done what I advise my heartbroken readers to do. I've put on my clothes in the morning and I've gone to work and I've tried to block you right out. ' Now I remembered the little exorcism ceremony I'd done six months before. I'd tried to flush Ed away but he kept popping back—and now here he was. 'I flushed my wedding ring down the loo, ' I told him. He winced as though he'd been given a slap. 'I wanted to cut you right out of my heart. '
'Haven't you missed me?' he asked.
'Yes. Of course I have. It was just so terrible to start with— it was torture—but my anger kept my feelings at bay. '
'And are you still angry with me?' He put down his fork. Was I still angry with him?
'No. Not now. ' He smiled and then exhaled with relief.
'Then do you think we could start seeing each other again, just taking it day by day, and see if we can't give ourselves another chance?'
Another chance? I stared at his empty plate.
'So you want second helpings?' I said 'with a quizzical smile.
'Second helpings? Yes, ' he whispered. 'I do. '
Sometimes people write to me complaining that although they don't have any specific problems, at the same time they don't feel happy, and they feel that they ought to feel happy. So they actually ask me how they can become happy. I usually write back saying that in my view happiness lies in being able to want the things that you've got, not the things you haven't got—that's always been my advice. Now I'm not so sure. For example, I'd wanted Ed back—I'd obsessed about him for months—and now, to my amazement, here he was, fairly pleading with me to give him another chance. But strangely, having the thing I'd so wanted didn't leave me feeling happy—it left me feeling hollow and strange. If Ed had come after me last October, I'd have been putty in his hands. I'd have forgiven and forgotten and gone back to him—I mean, who wants to get divorced? But it was six months since we'd split up and my life had changed, and now I was completely confused.
'He only wants second helpings because he hasn't enjoyed his just desserts, ' said Bella contemptuously when I dropped in at the shop on the following Saturday. 'I hope you're not going to see him again?'
'That's a bit rich coming from you, ' I said. 'You invited him to the party after all. '
'I know, ' she cringed. 'I wasn't thinking straight. Anyway,
are
you going to see him?'
I sighed. 'I don't know. I told him I wanted to think about it and he gallantly left the ball in my court. He's not being pushy about it or anything—he's just planted the idea in my mind. His demeanour was gratifyingly contrite and he was very sympathetic and actually I'm wondering whether he isn't right. I mean, his affair is over, and I've realised my mistakes, so maybe we
could
try again. Getting divorced makes one feel such a
failure'
'Well I'd be very careful, ' said Bella, shaking her head. 'He's been unfaithful to you once, remember. '
'But there were mitigating circumstances, Bella, viz, I was an absolutely useless wife. '
'I don't know, ' she said, 'it's your life, but I've always said there was something about Ed I didn't like. '
And I was tempted to say, 'But look at the fifth rate philandering pile of shite
you're
dating. ' Instead I bit my lip.
'So how's it all going?' I asked pleasantly.
'Oh it's fine. Bea's out with clients at the moment—they want Latvian minimalist apparently so it's quite a tricky commission—and I'm stuck here. But to be honest, ' she said, 'it's probably the best thing as we're not getting on very well. Bea's being rather…
difficile
! she enunciated delicately.
'What do you mean?'
'She's making my life sheer bloody
hell
!
'In what way?'
'Well… ' she lowered her voice as a customer came in and began looking at the tartan tea-cups'… Andrew and I went to the cinema last night. And Bea came along too. '
'So?' I murmured.
'Well, it was a bit awkward. '
'But she's very lonely. '
'I know. The soft furnishings are downstairs Madam if you'd like to take a look. '
'And she's still smarting about Henry, ' I pointed out, 'so she wants a bit of distraction. '
'Yes, and that's fair enough. But then on Monday, Andrew and I went out to dinner at Quaglino's and Bea turned up there too. '
'Really?'
'Yes. Then we went to a premiere on Tuesday and she insisted on coming as well. Andrew really doesn't like it. '
'I see. '
'I think she's going slightly mad actually, 'Bella concluded airily. You're one to talk, I thought. 'Anyway, Rose, what do you think I should do?' Oh
why
do I have to solve other people's problems all the time I thought wearily. I feel like a walking C. A. B.
'Well, ' I said, feeling my lips purse, 'you'll have to take a tough line. Or perhaps just don't tell her where you're off to every time you go out. '
'But she always asks; or she rings me on my mobile and forces me to tell her. I don't know what to do. '
'It's a tricky one. Hopefully she'll become so engrossed in the business as it becomes more successful that she'll feel less insecure. I mean, you're each other's anchors. Bea's terrified that you'll leave her. '
Bella winced. 'I know. This was always going to be our biggest problem, ' she said regretfully. Yes, I thought, that's right. The longer the twins have lived together the more difficult men find it, and the harder it is to break up. 'I mean, if Andrew does want to live with me, ' Bella went on, 'then I can imagine Bea trying to come too. And although I'd be perfectly happy about it in some ways, I know Andrew would never agree. I mean, he doesn't actually
like
Bea that much, ' she confided. 'Partly because he feels that she doesn't like him. '
'Doesn't she?' I said disingenuously. I was amazed that he had the sensitivity to detect Bea's distaste.
'No. She doesn't like him at all. So she says that the reason she wants to come out with us all the time is so that she can "keep an eye" on him. '
'Hmmm… '
'She said this awful thing about him actually. '
'Really. What did she say?'
'She implied that he might, well, let me down. '
'By being unfaithful?'
She nodded. 'But I know that he never would. Can I help you?' she said politely to the customer as she came upstairs clutching a velvet cushion patterned with snapdragons and foxgloves.
'Yes, I'd like this. It's lovely, ' she breathed.
'I know, ' said Bella, as she began to wrap it in tissue, 'they're gorgeous. Is it for you?' she added pleasantly as she tore off some sticky tape.
The woman smiled. 'No, it's for my mum. I always try and get her something really
special
on Mother's Day. '
When I got home two hours later there was a message on the answerphone from Henry.
'Rose, I'm off to the Gulf tomorrow for six weeks. Sorry I haven't seen you recently, I've been rather, well, involved. I hope Bea doesn't hate me too much, and I'll call you in May when I'm back. '
I hung up my coat, and looked at the house. It was a mess. There was dust all along the shelves and on the tops of the pictures, and the carpet needed a clean. The cushions were un-plumped in the sitting room, and there were old coffee cups standing about. Several unread newspapers were waiting to be chucked and there was a pile of dishes in the sink.
Theo and I have become slobs, I realised. I don't know why, but I'm far less tidy than I used to be. I knew I should hoover, for example, but I simply couldn't be fagged. Instead I began to go through the box of old stuff that Ed had brought round. I put the records in the sitting room, then packed up the painting and the pot for Age Concern. Age Concern, I reflected ruefully. Yes, I'm very concerned about my age. Still I thought to myself, as I flicked through my old school files, there's nothing I can do. There were three red ring binders, containing my 'A' level work on yellowing A4, my writing tiny and terribly neat. I'd done English, French and Art History and I'd spectacularly failed them all. It was June 1980 and I remember sitting in the school hall staring at the questions as non-comprehendingly as if they'd been written in Sanskrit or Japanese.
Comment on the use of symbolism in
Madame Bovary… Can't.
What were the greatest achievements of the Renaissance
? Don't know.
Why is
Measure for Measure
considered a 'dark comedy'
? What does the question mean? My mind was as blank as a television screen after closedown: it was featureless, humming and grey. And I just sat there and doodled, occasionally looking at the clock, unable to write anything other than my name. I didn't need to read the official letter in August to know that I'd got three 'U's.
The twins thought I'd failed to revise the right questions but that wasn't it at all. I'd worked very hard, and I was well prepared, but I'd made this awful mistake. I'd applied to see the registration of my birth and I'd been shown it the day before. If, as I was, you were adopted before 1975, then you have to speak to a social worker first. And they give you what's called Section Fifty-One Counselling where they prepare you for what you might find. So I went to the Ashford social services place and met this woman, and she was very nice and very professional and she explained that what I was about to see might open up a can of worms for me, and was I one hundred per cent sure that I really
wanted
to see it given that I was still very young? And I said yes, I was one hundred per cent sure. I'd waited for this moment all my life. Then she asked me if my adoptive parents knew what I was doing, and I said that they did. I'd told them that I wanted to see the registration because I was applying for a passport, but it wasn't true. The real reason was that I just wanted, at long, long last, to read the names of my biological mother and father. But when the counsellor handed that piece of paper to me, and I saw what was on it, it was the most shocking experience of my life. And the following day I somehow got myself to school and sat my first 'A' level and my dreams of university went up in smoke…