Relinquishing Liberty (10 page)

“Maddie, it’s okay. I’m not judging you. Don’t ever be afraid to talk to me…about anything. Do you mind if I ask what happened?”

I could tell from the way her eyebrows came together that she was debating whether or not to go any further with the details. To my surprise, she took a deep breath and continued.

“I was only sixteen.” My mouth formed an “o”, but I quickly clamped it shut. “My brother had a graduation party on the beach, and I’m pretty sure his entire graduating class was there. They had a bonfire, music was blaring, and everyone was drinking and having a good time. I knew a few of my brother’s friends, but not very well. One of them had been eyeing me all night, and since I had a pretty good buzz going, I got up the courage to go over to him and ask him to dance. It was all just flirtatious at first, but it didn’t take long before we got more into it, grinding up on each other and making out.

“My brother decided to rent one of the cottages on the beach, and his friend asked me if I wanted to go lie down and talk. By then we were both too drunk to stand, so I agreed to go with him. As soon as we got to the bedroom it was clear he had no intentions of talking because he was all over me the second he shut the door. I don’t remember much after that, just that it was really sloppy and it kind of hurt. I have no clue whether or not he used a condom, but my guess is he didn’t. Doesn’t sound like a very memorable first time, huh?”

Now my mouth was back to forming an “o”, astonished by all of the details she just threw at me. “Did he know it was your first time?”

Maddie shook her head. “No. I was too embarrassed to say anything, and I didn’t want him to think I was inexperienced.”

“So what happened when you found out you were pregnant?”

“Well, I had been sick on and off for a few weeks, but I just thought it was a stomach bug. The thought of being pregnant never crossed my mind. Eventually my friend KeeLynn picked up on my symptoms and forced me to take a pregnancy test at her house after school. When it came up positive, I freaked the fuck out! I mean, I couldn’t have a baby at sixteen, and I knew the father didn’t want it, so there was really only one option.”

“You gave the baby up for adoption? Well that’s nothing to be ashamed of, Maddie. Lots of people choose adoption, and I’m sure that baby has very loving parents. Do you have any contact with the baby or the adoptive parents?”

“No. I don’t think you understand, Liberty. There’s no way in hell I would be able to carry a baby for nine months and give it up to strangers. Not to mention what everyone at school would have said about me behind my back. It would have ruined me.”

What the hell was she talking about? So she didn’t give the baby up for adoption. That meant…oh…
OH
! Before I could say it, she took the words right out of my mouth.

“I-I had an a-abortion.” The tears were back. I could see how hard this was on Maddie, even after all of this time.

“Maddie I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Did the father even offer to help you if you decided to have the baby?”

“No, after everything happened, he never spoke to me again. But you know what the worst part was? I didn’t want my parents to find out, so I had to ask my brother to go with me to the abortion clinic. My brother! I didn’t have a job so I couldn’t afford the medical bill, and my brother used his graduation money to pay for it. I felt horrible making him go through that with me, but he was so supportive. When I told him I was pregnant, I was expecting him to be angry and give me his typical big brother lecture, but you know what he did? He cried. My big, tough brother actually cried! It tore my heart to shreds to see him like that.”

With tears stinging my eyes, I held Maddie and let her cry it out. I could tell she’s had been bottling this up for a while now. I had gone through similar emotions with the loss of my brother. No matter what kind of loss it was, it would always hurt, and the pain would continue to grow, slowly gnawing away at you from the inside out.

Knowing Brett had been there for her made me love him just a little more. I couldn’t imagine having to go through something like that all alone, so I was grateful she had him to lean on for support. The more I got to know Brett and Maddie, the more I could see why they had such a close relationship. Brett was Maddie’s rock…much like AJ had once been mine.

My date with Shayne had quickly snuck up on me, and I was nowhere near prepared for it. It had been such long time since I’d been out on a proper date; especially one that I was this excited about. My last date was one huge-ass disaster. It was during my senior year of high school, about a year and a half after AJ died. Finally, after asking me out at least a dozen times, I agreed to go out with Teddy Buchanan. He was a decent guy, easy on the eyes, and it seemed like it would be a harmless date: dinner and a movie. Yet somehow the night ended with me coming home early with a torn skirt and a busted lip. I knew how it must have looked, but it was actually the result of me just being a total klutz. It was still extremely embarrassing and thinking about that now had my nerves so worked up, I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through tomorrow night. This called for reinforcements.

“
Maddiiiie
!” I was going to need all the help I could get, and I knew Maddie would jump at the opportunity to use me as her own personal Barbie doll.

“What!? Jesus, woman, I thought you were being butchered alive back here!”

“I need some serious help.”

“Ha! Well I could’ve told you that when I first met you.”

I rolled my eyes at her brazen honesty. “No, seriously, Maddie. I have a date tomorrow night, and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m so nervous. Plus, I have no idea what to wear.”

“Now
that
I can help you with, hon.” She rubbed her hands together. “Step into my lair!”

I was surprised that I hadn’t been in Maddie’s room yet…and now I knew why. There were clothes
everywhere
! It looked like she had raided the entire mall! There was a tiny pathway leading up to her closet that was just about ready to burst with even more clothes, some of which still had the tags on them. Maddie stood there with her finger tapping her chin like she was contemplating her next move. She quickly grabbed about two dozen outfits and threw them on the bed.

“So is this date with your mystery man?”

“Mhmm.” I blushed.

“I must’ve missed him at the party. Did he even bother showing up?”

“Yeah, but we spent most of the night outside talking. It was…nice. He surprised me with a present, too.” I pushed up my sleeve to reveal the dolphin charm dangling from my bracelet.

“Oh that is so sweet! Buying you jewelry already? He’s definitely a keeper!” She jumped up, clapping her hands in approval. I laughed at her enthusiasm, but I was in total agreement with her; I was beginning to think he might be a keeper, too.

“Do you know where you’re going for your date?”

“No, he said it was a surprise. I think that’s why I’m so nervous. I hate surprises! I always worry about what to expect.”

“Well, I think it’s sweet. He probably put a lot of thought into it if he won’t tell you where he’s taking you.”

“Maybe. I don’t know.” I fidgeted while Maddie sorted through the dresses on her bed.

“Stop being such a Negative Nancy! I’m sure you’ll have a great time…maybe you’ll even get lucky.” She elbowed me and winked. The topic of my virginity had yet to come up with Maddie, but I guess now was as good a time as any.

“I doubt we’ll be getting lucky, Maddie. I’ve yet to get lucky thus far.”

“You mean you’re a…nuh-uh! No way! There’s no freakin’ way a sexy bitch like you hasn’t gotten any yet.”

I just shrugged my shoulders. What else could I say? I sure as hell wasn’t going to admit that the reason I held on to my V-card was because I was afraid of growing close to anyone in such an intimate way and then losing them. My ex-therapist told me it stemmed back to my brother’s death, but what the hell could my sex life have to do with AJ’s suicide? That doctor was such a quack. Probably explains why I stopped seeing him after the third session.

“Seriously? Well, maybe tomorrow will be the night!”

“Maddie! I am not having sex on the first date!”

“Take me for instance. I didn’t even make it to a first date before I lost it.”

“Maddie…that’s not funny.” Seriously, how could she joke around about something she was so upset over just a few days ago?

“What? I’m sick of dwelling on something that happened years ago. I learned from my mistakes…sort of…and I’m moving on with my life. It’s like when you fall off of a horse. Just because you fall off once, doesn’t mean you’re never going to ride a horse again. You have to get back on. But in my case it was a guy, not a horse.”

I wasn’t so sure I agreed with Maddie’s analogy, but she did have a point. Funny, I spent thousands of dollars of my parents’ money on therapy, and here Maddie helped me in a matter of seconds. I couldn’t let my fear of losing others keep holding me back. The fact that I had let Maddie, Brett and Shayne into my life at all showed that I had made some progress.

“Okay, enough of this heavy shit. Let’s get back to prepping for your date. Since you have no clue where you guys are going, I think a simple sundress will do. That way you’re not too dressed up, but it’s definitely not casual. This should fit you.”

She handed me a navy blue sundress, covered in bright yellow sunflowers. It was spaghetti-strapped and looked like it would hit me just above the knee. I had to admit, this was a pretty modest dress for Maddie’s taste, but I’d feel much more comfortable wearing this compared to the dress I had to fight to cover me up at the party.

“Thanks Maddie this is perfect. As long as he doesn’t plan on taking me anywhere on a motorcycle, I should be good.”

“Ohmigod guys on motorcycles are so fuckin’ hot!”

I laughed at Maddie as she stared off into space, daydreaming about hotties on motorcycles. I loved that girl, but she was so easily distracted. I soon learned not to mention anything about lifeguards around her. She went off on a tangent for a good full hour the other day telling me about the lifeguards that worked at the beach on Tybee Island; and yes, she knew every single one…quite well.

Tonight was the big night. It was time to put on my big girl panties and forget about all of the shit that had been weighing me down. I made a promise to myself not to shut Shayne out. I really wanted to give him a chance, and this was the first step to doing just that.

Shayne called me bright and early to let me know he was going to pick me up around seven. He still wouldn’t budge on letting me in on our surprise destination. Maddie was right though; I was actually really excited to see what he had come up with.

The doorbell rang at exactly six-fifty…well it was good to see that the man was punctual. He got brownie points right off the bat for that. Maddie had left for work earlier, so I had to pause in the middle of applying my mascara to buzz him in. I put the finishing touches on my makeup and answered the door when I heard a light tapping.

Dear Lord, how does this man get even more delicious?
He stood there in the doorway wearing an olive green button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of slim dark blue jeans. I noticed the thin layer of stubble no longer graced his beautiful face. Without even thinking, I reached up and placed my palm against his cheek. His skin was silky smooth, and I could smell the aftershave radiating off of him. He placed his hand over mine and held it there for a moment, refusing to let me go. Little did he know I was in no way ready to let go either.

“You look absolutely breathtaking, Liberty.”

I dipped my head down and blushed, knowing how plain I looked in this dress. I knew I wasn’t anything special, but the words that poured out his mouth made me feel treasured. He delicately placed his finger under my chin and tilted it up just high enough that I couldn’t avoid eye contact with him.

“Please don’t hide from me sweetheart. Beauty like yours should never be kept hidden.”

I stood there with my mouth hung wide open, captivated by his endearing choice of words. He smiled, revealing the most adorable dimple just to the right of his mouth.
What I wouldn’t give to dip my tongue in that delectable little crater…