“Don’t come near me. Don’t you
touch
me. You betrayed me! You betrayed your wife!” she shouted in near hysterics. “We made love, Raphael, many times. How many of those times were you really making love to her? Hmm? How many? Who’d you throw up against the wall and make love to in the hallway that first time? Was it her you tore the shirt from when we were out in the storm, perhaps? Or was it her
every bloody time
, and only
me
that really got screwed?” Angry tears came cascading down, and she let them fall.
“It’s not like that, Serena. You must believe me!” Raphael pleaded. “When I first met you, I didn’t know who you were beyond Jared’s sister. I felt a strong desire to be near you, to know you. And then, in the hospital, while you were sleeping, you had a nightmare and grabbed me. That’s when the memories of even having a wife came flooding back to me. And yes, you are the spitting image of Sirona, and in the beginning, it confused me. But very quickly, I could see the marked differences between you. And every time we made love,
every time
, Serena, it was you. Only you.” He took another step toward her.
“I said don’t come near me. Not another step!” Serena turned. “Monica, get me out of here, now. Take me home, to my office, or God, anywhere. Just get me the hell away from him!” She picked up her purse that was lying on the foyer table, and ran out the door to Monica’s car. Moments later, Monica knocked on her window and motioned for her to unlock the doors. They drove off in silence with Monica looking straight ahead and Serena weeping, head in her hands.
“I want my father,” she sobbed. “Please, take me to see my father. He’s at Sunset Nursing Home, down the street from my house. You can leave me there. I’ll walk home when I’m through visiting.”
“Sure thing, sweetie. Anything you need, you let me know, okay?” Monica squeezed Serena’s shoulder. “I’ve known you a long while now and seen you through some pretty dark days, but I must admit, this time beats them all.”
They rode the rest of the way in silence. Utter betrayal proved to be a devastating blow and clouded her mind. Visions of her past life regression served as a mocking reminder of who Raphael had made love to, and it certainly wasn’t her. When they finally reached the nursing home, Monica strained to retrieve a water bottle from behind her seat. She handed it to Serena. “Make sure you drink your water. It’s pretty warm out here today. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. But you’re not alone. Remember that!”
“I wish Jared had never brought me the damn relic. I wish I would have refused it and given it back. I wish, I wish…. God! I wish for too much!” She paused and took a breath, swiping her hands across her face. “Thank you, Monica. I know you’ve done the best you can to help me. I’ll be in touch. There’s gotta be a way to get this woman’s, or should I say goddess’s, soul out of my life.”
Unlocking the door and stepping out halfway, she hesitated, turned back around and gave Monica a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug. She got out of the car and walked into the nursing home.
***
Sunset Nursing Home, Your Loved Ones’ Home Away From Home
. Serena walked under that banner enough times to know that this was one of the few nursing homes that actually lived by that creed. She was truly blessed her father could stay there for the remainder of his days. Not only did she live nearby, but the people who cared for the residents were more than mere workers; they were a surrogate family.
Although it had been a while since her last visit, she knew that her father’s care was excellent, and she needn’t worry. Guilt weighed heavy on her heart that she hadn’t been back to see him since the attacks. She could have insisted she be taken to see him, but had she really wanted him to see her all banged up? Not really. Even now, though she had completely healed, her mind felt like a train wreck. She shouldn’t be seeing him in this condition. It could disturb him. But her need and selfishness left everything else in the shadows.
She needed her father. Daddy, the man who used to make it all better. So Serena pulled herself together as she walked into the nursing home, signing in first at the front desk, made a left turn at the hallway, and entered Room 103. She found her father sitting in a wheelchair, positioned by the window. This particular one looked out on a small pond flanked by butterfly bushes and honeysuckles. A bird house on a pole stood as a refuge to all manner of bird. A park bench sat by the pond if one ventured outside. One rarely did though at this nursing home.
He looked the same as in days passed, wearing loose-fitting jogging pants and a comfortable T-shirt. His face seemed a little thinner than she remembered. But his silver and white hair had been recently trimmed, and his face, clean-shaven.
“Hi, Daddy,” Serena said softly. “It’s me, Serena. How are you feeling today? You seem good. Did Nurse Selma give you a haircut? It’s a little shorter.” She stooped to give him a kiss on the cheek and ruffled his hair.
She ventured a long glance into his eyes. They used to be the most beautiful, sparkling hazel, changeable depending on his mood or clothing. Sometimes they were toffee, sometimes green, and sometimes they were even golden amber. But after the stroke, they had turned and stayed a muddy brown, reflecting no essence of the life trapped within. She laid her purse and water bottle on his hospital bed and pulled a chair up so she could sit across from him.
What to say, what to say
?
Lie, damn it. And definitely don’t say anything about Jared
!
“I know I haven’t been here in a little while. Things have been crazy busy over at the shop. Everybody wants to see our beautiful mountains and rock formations, you know. But I’m sorry, and I’m here now. So what’s new? See any good shows on TV lately?”
Of course, he gave no response. No one really knew if he could comprehend what people were saying to him. He certainly couldn’t respond, and the two kind of went hand in hand. But Serena continued to talk to him as though he could hear her, as though it were any day after school, and they were sitting at the kitchen table swapping tales over dinner. She rambled on about the business and how profitable this season had turned out to be. She talked about her favorite tours and hikes, painting a picture for him to see in his mind. Then she got to the heart of the matter.
“So, Daddy, I have this problem that I need to sort out, and I thought maybe you could help me. You see, I’ve met a man. I know what you’re going to say. ‘Finally!’ Yes, well before you become all elated and start making wedding plans, let me finish,” she asserted, as though he were about to interrupt her.
Not bloody likely
. She lost her humor quickly. “Well, I’ve fallen in love with this man, and I thought he’d fallen in love with me, too. But I’ve been a fool and found out there’s another woman, his wife. His dead wife, to be exact. I think he’s hung up on her even though he’s promised me otherwise. I love him and hate him all at the same time. How can I feel both so strongly? I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. I refuse to live in his wife’s shadow. I won’t! I want to be loved for me, not because I look like or sound like or act like his dead wife. How will I ever know if it’s me he truly wants and loves, and not his wife? What should I do?”
Serena looked longingly at her father. His expression didn’t change one bit. “Please tell me what I should do,” she begged as she leapt from her chair and knelt before him. “Please, if there was any day to start responding, today would be the day. Now, right at this moment! Speak to me. Tell me what to do.” Serena grabbed one of her father’s hands and cupped her cheek with it. She rested her head on his lap and hugged his knees. “Help me, Daddy, help me!”
Tears drenched his pants as Serena wept and clung to him, her only lifeline.
***
Serena had fallen to pieces, and nearby, at the safe house, Raphael absorbed every tendril of pain, sorrow, and disappointment she felt. Like her father, he remained helpless to do anything. If he came close, she would run. So he sat at the meditation pond kicking himself in the ass, or rather, contemplating his mistakes and planning how to fix them. He had to get Serena back. She had become everything to him, and she needed to know that unequivocally.
“I’m so sorry, Serena, for hurting you like this,” he stated aloud, his words getting tossed about and lost in the breeze.
***
“Serena, my heavens! What’s the matter child?” Nurse Selma, a sweet old grandmotherly type day nurse had walked in with her father’s medication to find Serena nearly balled up on her father’s lap. “Come here, come here! I think you’re very nearly squashing the man.” Nurse Selma whisked Serena away from her father and onto his bed.
“Oh, Selma!” Serena bawled. “My life is in shambles! My brother is dead, the man I love is scum, and my father…my father…he can’t even….” She couldn’t go on, and Selma quickly assumed the role of her missing mother, holding Serena and shushing her until she calmed down.
“There now, it’s no good you coming here all out of sorts like that. You want to upset your father?”
“No, of course not,” she cried out. “You’re right. I know better. I just need him so much, Selma, that’s all. I need my daddy to tell me how to fix things and that it’ll be all right. But he can’t now, can he? It’s foolish of me to come here like this, hoping for a miracle, expecting that maybe today would be different.” Serena took the tissue Selma offered and blew her nose.
“Oh, now honey, what do we have if we don’t have hope? Maybe your father did hear you. Maybe he did, but he couldn’t tell you. And maybe he can’t tell you all the things you want or need to hear, but honey, I bet you know him well enough that you could speak for him if you gave yourself a chance. I bet if you sat here for a moment and quieted yourself, you would hear his answers clear as day in your mind.” Selma took another tissue and blotted her cheeks.
“I’ll try, Selma, I’ll try. Thank you. You’ve been so kind to me and my father. I don’t know what we’d do without you.”
“Oh well, he’s no trouble at all. Quite the gentleman, in fact. And you, well, you’re like the daughter I’ll never have. Now, I have to give him his meds and you have to ease his mind about things before you go, you hear? Don’t leave your emotional mess lingering around this room. We like things happy around here. Okay?”
Serena sniffled. “Yes ma’am.”
The nurse gave medication to her father and moved him back to his bed. “Well, Dad, I should be going. I’m so glad I got to see you today. Thanks for listening to your baby girl’s sob story. I’m sorry for unloading on you. Really, I am. It wasn’t fair of me to do that. Sometimes, I just need you, you know? Don’t worry about a thing, though, I’ll be fine. I’m going to follow Nurse Selma’s advice when I get home and hear you in my head. From now on, I promise to bring you only happy news. I love you, Daddy,” Serena whispered in his ear. “Always have, always will.” She picked up her purse, kissed his cheek one more time, and left.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Walking quickly and with purpose, Serena made her way down the street, turned a corner, and walked up the path to her home. Seeing the house looming before her brought back all sorts of memories. Memories not yet ready to be faced. So she grabbed the Jeep’s keys from her purse, choosing instead to jump in her Jeep and drive to her shop. She knew she had a ton of paperwork to do. Maybe that would distract her enough from her troubles.
Every few minutes, Serena checked her rearview mirror, watching for any signs of people following her. Now that she was alone, looking out for herself became her number one priority. She still had to contend with Dr. Chappo and his crazy scheme. When she pulled into the back lot, she saw no one loitering or hanging out in their cars, and waited another few minutes. She went in the back entrance, snuck into her office, and called Callie on the intercom system.
“Hey, Callie, it’s Serena. I’m in my office, but I don’t want anyone to know. So mum’s the word, okay?”
“Hey! I miss you! Are you okay? What’s going on?”
“I’m fine, really. I have a lot of catching up to do around here, and I don’t want any distractions. No one is to know. Not a soul. Promise me.”
“I promise not to let anyone know you are here. Scout’s honor and all that shit.”
She hung up and eased back in her office chair, closing her eyes for a few moments to collect herself. Then she dug in. “Hmm, payroll’s coming due, snacks and water have to be replenished, electric, gas, and water bills are due, and the lease is due in two weeks. Oh, and I see a Jeep is in the shop. Great,” she muttered.
***
“For Christ’s sake! How the hell long does it take to cook up a freaking burger around here?” Wheezer whined to no one and anyone. “It’s been five minutes already and this joint’s supposed to be a fast food restaurant!”
“I’m sorry, sir. You ordered a special burger that’s made to order, and there were two orders ahead of you. It should be out in a minute,” droned a pock-faced, stringy-haired teenager with a smile. “Can I get you something to drink while you wait?”
“Yes, you can get me two Cokes, on the house.” Wheezer tapped his sunglasses nervously on the counter. He’d convinced Steve it wouldn’t take too long to pick up something to eat, so they left their stakeout area. If he didn’t show up back at the car in seconds, he knew Steve would leave without him.
“Here’s your order, sir, and your two drinks. Thank you for coming and have a great day!”
Wheezer grabbed the bags of burgers and fries and the two drinks and left in a huff. “You can shove your good day up your ass, little girl!” He got in the waiting car. Steve gave him the evil eye.
“Don’t say a word, Steve. I know! Just drive, will ya? I’ll toss myself in the dumpster when we get back to the stakeout area, all right?”
“Asshole,” Steve mumbled.
***
Serena worked her way through the pile of paperwork, returned some e-mailed questions, and even updated her website. She dusted her bookshelves, straightened up her desk, and now had nothing left to do. Except think.
I am so not ready to do that yet
. Instead, she got out her maps and started planning new routes for tours. She made one particularly difficult trail that included not only a jolting Jeep ride, but also a hike over rocky terrain. The whole trip should take about eight hours. Hardcore hikers and spiritualists would eat this up, she thought.