“Well, that takes the big elephant out of the room, doesn’t it?” Serena quipped. She looked at Raphael and could tell relief and disappointment warred within each of their souls. Raphael simply shrugged his shoulders, smiling weakly, and kissed her lightly on her head. It reminded her of when her father used to kiss her disappointment away. She closed her eyes briefly, accepting the support, and opened them to find Raphael’s face a hair’s breadth away from hers. He leaned in so his lips nearly touched her ear.
He whispered softly and seductively, “We can always try again.”
She rolled her eyes and gave him a playful shove. “Monica.” She turned her attention to the woman for whom she would forever be grateful. “I have to talk to you about what happened this morning. I haven’t felt like myself in such a long time, it scares me. I had started to tell Raphael about it. You both need to know it wasn’t really me doing those things this morning.” She twisted her hands in the sheets.
“When I saw Bull through the peephole, something inside me snapped. I remember running away, down the hall, and finding my way into the study. I remember seeing the letter opener, and from that point I don’t know where my free will went. I felt as though my thoughts and my actions were coerced, forced by something beyond me. My emotions were mine, but my words and actions seemed to be of someone else’s. I don’t understand it. I really don’t. Why would I do something like this?
I
wouldn’t. That’s just it. Something’s definitely inside me, and I want it out! I want it out!” She began pounding her fists against the sides of her head in frustration and fear.
“Okay, okay now settle down.” Monica took her fists and soothed them open. “You needn’t say anymore. I know what happened with Bull. You mustn’t be hard on yourself, dear. I’m convinced you didn’t act under your own volition. When I looked into your soul, I found something unexpected. I believe another soul is within you. You may not realize it, but your soul is at war with another, and it’s for keeps. We need to know why it chose you and what it wants. What we need to do is a past life regression. If you agree, we can start tomorrow.”
“Yes, please. I’ll do anything, anything that will stop this madness.”
“We’ll fix you up. Rest and have a little something to eat. I’ll be back tomorrow. Raphael, walk me to the door, would you?”
***
He reached to open the door for her, but Monica put her hand on top of his to stop him. “Are you prepared for what’s coming, Raphael? This isn’t going to be easy for you, or either woman you care for. She should know. Serena should know what has happened. It’s only fair. But, you’re a big boy.” Monica lifted her hand from atop his. “I wouldn’t want to talk out of turn and offend someone of your stature, being an angel and immortal. I’ll see you tomorrow. Blessings upon you, Raphael.”
He opened the door for her and as she walked out. He said not a word.
Oh, but she is a wise one
!
She knows how to get right to the nerve
! Of course he should tell Serena. But being a coward, he couldn’t. At the base of it all, that was what it really boiled down to. He was too afraid of losing Serena. And losing Serena would mean losing Sirona again, too. Once was devastating enough, but to have that happen again would destroy him for good. No, he would wait and see what the past life regression would uncover and deal with the consequences. Determined to move forward, he went to the kitchen to fix a simple meal for the two of them.
***
Raphael stood by the stove, stirring something in a pot with one hand and flipping something in a frying pan with the other, when Serena walked in. “Mmm, something smells really yummy. What are you making?” She leaned up against the counter beside him.
“I thought some tomato soup and grilled cheese might be the perfect meal for your return to the living,” he offered with a smile.
“That sounds real nice. It just so happens that those are my two favorite comfort foods.”
“Lucky guess. I have to admit they’re mine, too. Why don’t you have a seat at the table and I’ll serve you your feast?”
“As long as you join me, too. You must be famished, as well.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way, sweetheart.” Raphael stepped right in her path, blocking her from going anywhere.
“I thought you wanted me to sit down.”
“In a minute.” He wrapped his arms around her and held her. Simply held her.
He closed his eyes and breathed her in and found himself lost in the moment. Frozen in time, he held onto the woman he had come to care so deeply about, knowing that he very well could be holding onto his wife’s soul as well. Could he possibly have feelings this strong for both of these women?
Truth be told, he wasn’t so sure that what he felt for his wife, he considered love anymore. It felt strangely nostalgic. Not love, but a strong yearning for what he’d had in the past. With Serena, though, he felt a different kind of yearning. A desire to start life anew. To move forward and experience the world with a different perspective, with someone by his side who could show him all the wonders and the glory of life he’d missed all these past centuries. He now understood that when he’d ordered E.L. to remove all memories of Sirona and harden his heart, he’d deadened his world. Serena brought it back to life.
Serena seemed lost in the moment as well. She held onto him so strongly as though she knew he needed her. They stood planted in the center of the kitchen like a lover’s statue for what seemed an eternity. Her nose twitched.
“Oh my! The sandwiches, Raphael! I think I smell them starting to burn!” He reluctantly tore himself away from her, running to save the sandwiches from certain death by burning. “I’ll just go sit down.”
He returned moments later with two plates of sandwiches and two bowls of soup.
“Thanks! It looks and smells wonderful. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.”
“Stands to reason. You’ve barely eaten anything over the past couple of days. Eat up, honey, I can always make more.”
They each settled into their meal and amicable silence. Raphael spoke first. “Monica tried to help me today.”
“Oh, really? That’s good! Did she succeed? Do you have your healing powers back?”
“It’s not that easy. Well, let me rephrase that. Monica thinks it’s a very simple fix. I’m the one having a hard time with it. You see, it requires me to let go of guilt and forgive myself.”
“Guilt over what? Forgive yourself for what?”
He shared the condensed version of his immortal life and perceived mistakes he had made over the past centuries. He spoke of his wife, without identifying her as the Goddess Sirona, and her brutal murder that left him crazed with guilt, anger, and confusion over why it had happened. He spoke of Seraphiel, his Brethren teammate, who had been killed by Agremon during the last war between Good and Evil. He spoke of Emma, the Great Savior Mother, who had been kidnapped, tortured, and left to die by Satan himself in that very same war. He told her how he had been powerless to save any of them. Finally, he shared what Monica had told him.
“I can hardly imagine the depth of pain and sorrow you’ve collected and held for all these centuries. I’m so sorry for your losses.”
“So, what do you think? Do you agree with Monica? Should I forgive my failures and release the guilt?”
“I’m not sure what you want me say. Pardon me for saying so, but it sounds as though you’ve already made up your mind and don’t really agree with Monica’s assessment. And if you don’t, how can you really heal yourself? As for me, how can what I think change what you’re already set against believing? In the end, it doesn’t really matter what I think. It matters what you think.” She got up from the table and began cleaning the dishes at the sink. He followed and turned her to face him. He stared intently in her glimmering eyes.
“What you think matters greatly to me, Serena. So tell me the truth. Am I being unreasonable?”
“Raphael, dear, sweet Raphael.” She sighed as she raised her hand to caress his cheek. “I caused a man to be sent to his death this morning. You stand here, having apparently overlooked my break from sanity, yet you are unable to forgive yourself for situations which were very clearly out of your control as well. Now does that seem logical to you? By all reason, you should have thrown me the hell out of here and rued the day you ever stumbled across my path. But you haven’t. Don’t give up on yourself either.” She rose up on her tiptoes and kissed him lightly on the lips. “Why not go meditate in the garden and see if you can’t find it in yourself to forgive and let go?”
He desperately wanted to hold her again, but she gently pushed him away and turned him toward the door. A battle raged within him, sending ripples of tension across his shoulders and back. As much as he wanted her, he knew he ultimately had to face and conquer it alone.
Serena returned to the dishes and her own demons. If only it were as easy to wash them down the drain! Someone else’s soul had invaded hers, and it had complete control of her this morning. But whose soul was it? And why did it have to take up residence inside her? What made her so damn special? She contemplated when things started to change. When she had first held the statue of Sirona, the Goddess of Healing, and had the most bizarre and vivid dream, things changed. That’s when Jared disappeared. That’s when she had stopped remembering most of her dreams, save for those where her dream lover came to her. And that’s when her life became a living hell. It all revolved around that damn statue!
Serena’s head pounded.
Monica’s coming back in the morning
. She would clear everything up, hopefully. As she put the last dish away, she began to wonder about Raphael. She went to the living room and looked out its window to find him seated at the meditation pond like a statue. The sky had become cloaked with a blanket of clouds, and a strong breeze had begun to stir the palms on the trees. She cracked the window open a bit. It would rain soon. She could smell it in the air. She hoped he could accomplish what he needed to before the heavens let lose their fury. Feeling like an intruder, she turned away from the window and headed to the study. She chose a book about Arizona’s ghost towns from one of the shelves, and settled herself down for a nice, relaxing read.
***
Meditate. That’s what Monica and Serena said to do. As if I haven’t tried a million times before! But, okay, maybe I’m in a better frame of mind. I need to be open and ready to forgive myself and let go of the guilt.
Letting go, though, meant letting go of so much more. It meant letting go of a friend and a wife, and acknowledging his infallibility. But now, another life hung in the balance—Serena’s. He couldn’t let her down. She needed him. To heal completely, she needed him, and he couldn’t continue being selfish by wallowing in self pity any longer.
Meditate. Breathe in, breathe out. Become one with the earth, the sky, and the heavens. Release. Let go of the guilt, the anger, and the doubt. Accept fate. Breathe deep the purifying elements. Feel the earth’s energy rejuvenate and resuscitate all that has been lost. Let go the guilt
.
Raphael sat silently, repeating the mantra and absorbing all the earth and sky had to give. And it truly felt different this time from all others. At first he felt nothing. Softly, a vibration tickled the air around him, humming a frequency that reverberated in his chest. The vibration grew into a pulsing, and every part of his being, right down to his blood cells, synchronized to it.
A shaft of sunlight burst through the clouds to make the ground around him awash with brilliance. His arms raised involuntarily, his face tilted up towards the heavens, and his body lifted from where he had perched on a rock. Ribbons of light wound gently around his body, hoisting and twisting him higher and higher into the sky. Tiny bolts of lightning shot out from the tips of his fingers and toes as a sound escaped his lips that no human or immortal had ever uttered before. A violent wind whipped around his face and carried those utterances away. He stayed aloft this way for a few moments, swirling and tumbling gently in the energy band’s protective custody.
As the ribbons of light faded, his wings tore through the trappings of his shirt to gently glide and guide his way back safely to earth. Threads of healing energy, stronger than ever before, coursed through every molecule of his body, invigorating him.
Raphael, Brethren Savior, was back.
He stood by the meditation pond turning over his hands and looking at them in utter astonishment. The air all around his body sizzled with positive energy he had to release or he would combust. He ran over to the dead cactus, mangled beyond recognition by his own hands. He didn’t even have to touch the poor thing for it to begin healing and regenerating. He simply waved his hands near the smashed areas. Not only did the saguaro’s broken bits knit back together, but the entire cactus returned to life, standing fifteen feet high, arms raised in glory. He ran next to the garden with his hands splayed out. Flowers stood taller and leaned toward him as he hurried past. When he looked behind him, everywhere his feet had touched the earth were footprints of grass and weeds and desert flowers in full bloom.
“Ha ha! I’m back! I’m truly back!” he shouted triumphantly as he examined his hands incredulously once more.
Chapter Twenty
Serena’s mouth fell open as she peered out the living room window, curiosity having gotten the better of her. She stared in awe at Raphael’s immortal magnificence. She’d no idea where his shirt had gone, but thanked the dear Lord for the loss, as he was a vision to behold. Muscles rippled across his broad shoulders and down his arms as she watched him inspect his hands. She smoothed her palms over the window, aching for it to be his hard chest and stomach beneath them instead. She watched as he raised his arms to the sky and took flight.
Raphael caught her watching through the window and smiled back. She hid back against the wall, banging her head in the process. How embarrassing, to be caught doing a Peeping Tom act! A light tapping on the window told her he had flown over and awaited her response. Though completely humiliated, she found herself turning again toward the window. There he stood, wind whipping madly about, tussling his hair in glorious disarray, a strange glow surrounding his entire being. He didn’t speak, but simply gazed into her eyes, gesturing with his finger for her to come and join him in the gathering tempest. She nodded slowly, spellbound, and walked through the house. As she opened the door, the wind captured her hair, sending it flying about her in waves. She saw Raphael’s eyes widen and a broad grin engulf his face.