I
know, it’s bullshit. We were building the façade of a
real relationship, with nothing deep down beneath the surface. And
the longer I spent with her, the more I felt like that—empty
inside. She was perfect, we both belonged together, everyone said, so
what was wrong? I tried my best to do all the right things, shower
her with gifts and trips and everything else you’re supposed
to, but it was like acting a role, reading lines that don’t
mean a thing. I was so damn stuck, I couldn’t see a way out:
going through the motions at work, then stepping into a whole new
performance at home. Looking back now, I can see, we were heading off
the edge of a cliff, and the only question was, would I wake up in
time to see the fall?
And
now I’ve made the same mistake all over again: buried my head
in the sand and avoided the truth until it’s too late to change
a thing.
Please
don’t let it be too late.
I
pull up outside Delilah’s, my heart thundering with panic now.
She has to listen, she has to give me a chance to explain. I stride
up the front path and ring the bell.
Silence.
I
knock, louder. “Delilah?” I call. “Dee, please,
you’ve got to let me explain!”
The
door suddenly flies open, and then she’s standing there, but
it’s not her. Not really. There’s no hint of laughter in
her eyes, no teasing grin on her sweet lips. She stares at me icily,
her arms folded tight across her chest.
“Dee,
thank god. It’s not like Helena made it sound,” I tell
her, praying I can make this right. If she can just give me a chance
to explain, maybe I can fix this. I
have
to fix this. “We broke up, before I even met you. She’s
the one who cheated on me. It was over, I swear.”
Delilah
lets out a breath that almost looks like relief, and my hopes rise.
Maybe it’s not too late. Then she looks at me with heartbreak
in her eyes.
“But
you didn’t tell me. Not one single word.”
The
quiet disappointment of her voice cuts right through me.
“Because
it was all in the past.” I try to find the words to explain.
How she was my new beginning and my saving grace all at once, that I
never knew what love could be like until she pressed her lips against
mine that rainy night and I realized everything I’d been
looking for was real: right there in front of me, so beautiful and
bright and full of life there was never any turning back. I changed
my life because of her, I found the person I wanted to be. But as my
mind races to tell her everything, Delilah is already stepping back,
her face set.
“You
can keep whatever secrets you want, Will. It’s your choice. And
I can choose for this to be done.”
The
door slams in my face, and I realize, I’ve just ruined
everything. I had it all, everything I ever wanted, but this is a
mistake I can never take back.
Delilah
He
has a fiancée.
He
has a freaking fiancée I knew nothing about.
Ex
,
I correct myself, but still, that one little word is no comfort to me
now. I close the door on Will, trying to forget the wounded,
desperate look in his eyes. Everything is still spinning, just out of
reach, like the facts are dancing in my mind but nothing’s
landing. Nothing makes sense.
Helena.
She’s
pretty. Beautiful, even. It shouldn’t matter, but it does. And
everything she was saying, about his friends, their apartment . . .
They
had a life together.
A
life he never mentioned. Not once.
Oh
god.
I
hear his truck pull away, and suddenly, I’m sick to my stomach.
I race down the hallway to the bathroom and fall to my knees,
wretching over the toilet. Nothing comes, the spinning doesn’t
subside, and I collapse back, slumping to the floor with one question
whirling in my mind.
Who
is he?
William
Wyatt Montgomery.
I
thought I knew him, better than anyone. I thought he was as
straight-forward and honest as they come. He told me I could trust
him, that he wasn’t playing games. I looked into his eyes and
saw a future with him, our future, but it turns out it was all a lie.
That man doesn’t exist, not really. Not for me.
The
truth of it takes hold of me, so raw and bitter I could cry. I was
right all along. Make me no promises and you’ll tell me no
lies. I believed him, and look at me now: a crumpled mess on the
floor because I let myself hope, just for a moment, that love could
be more than disappointment and pain.
I
stare, numb at the floor. There’s dust gathering in the
corners, and the towels are hanging out of the hamper in the corner.
I’ve been so wrapped up in Will that I’ve let the place
get messy. After all, why waste time vacuuming when I could have been
wrapped up in his arms, laughing so hard it hurt as the summer
evenings drifted into sundown, and beyond?
Now,
I suddenly can’t stand it a moment longer. I scramble up,
determined. I refuse to be the girl weeping on the bathroom floor
over some guy who didn’t keep his word.
I’ve
got work to do.
I
clean in a determined burst of energy, polishing every damn square
inch of my apartment by the time the doorbell goes. I open it with
rags in one hand and a bottle of oven cleanser in the other to find
Lottie on my doorstep.
“I
just heard!” Lottie looks stricken.
“What?
That he’s a no-good lying piece of dirt?” I ask, hollow,
before turning back down the hallway.
“Who
is she?” Lottie asks, trailing me back to the kitchen. “How
could he? What did he say? Are you OK? God, I’m so sorry!”
“I’m
not.” I get back to the grease lurking back behind the range,
scrubbing determinedly. “Better I find out now than any later.
No harm, no foul.”
“No
harm?” Lottie echoes. “Delilah, put down the scrubbing
bubbles!”
I
keep working.
“Dee!”
Lottie grabs the sponge away and takes my hands. “Talk to me.”
Emotions
rise, jagged in my chest, but I shake my head, trying my best to keep
them back. If I break now, I don’t know if I’ll ever put
the pieces back together again. “I can’t.”
“I
know you’re hurting,” she says earnestly. “It’s
OK.”
“No
it’s not!” I cry, my voice echoing. “I should have
known from the start. What have I always said? The minute you make a
commitment . . . start thinking about a
future . . .”
Pain
splinters, cutting through the numbness. I remember waking up this
morning, spooned in his arms, feeling the steady rise and fall of his
chest against my back. I felt like this was it, finally.
I
had someone all my own.
It’s
too much. I can’t keep the pain back any longer. Suddenly, I
burst into loud, messy sobs. Lottie pulls me into a chair and hugs me
close as I bawl for dear life. All my hurt, all my betrayal, it all
comes rushing out in one wretched, agonizing flood.
“It’s OK,”
Lottie murmurs helplessly. “Everything’s going to be
alright.”
“No
it’s not!” I wail, lifting my head. “Just look at
me! This is exactly who I never wanted to be!”
“Human?”
she offers with a wry smile, but nothing can take this pain away.
“I
trusted him,” I whisper, feeling broken. “I let him in.
Nobody’s ever made me feel the way he did.” Another sob
rolls through me, and I angrily wipe the tears from my cheeks. “Like,
I could be my best, and he wouldn’t resent me for it, or feel
threatened. Like I wasn’t too smart or too loud or too
confident. He wanted it all.” I break down again, the loss too
much to bear. Not just Will,
god,
Will
, but everything I
could be with him.
Completely
myself.
“I’m
so sorry, babe,” Lottie says again, her eyes full of sympathy.
“I can’t believe it, he seemed like the one. Did he say
anything at all?”
I
sniffle. “Just that it was over before we met.”
She
brightens. “So he wasn’t cheating on anyone!”
I
shake my head. “No, it doesn’t matter. He lied to me. He
had this whole life I knew nothing about.” My heart aches to
think of it, all the things he never told me.
“But,
you both have history,” she tries to reason. “You didn’t
tell him about every single guy you’ve ever dated, did you?”
“It’s
not like that. They were engaged, Lottie,” I add, my voice
catching. “He asked her to marry him. They were going to spend
the rest of their lives together, and I never even knew she existed.”
She
exhales. There’s no arguing with that. “I’m so, so
sorry.”
“Who
is he?” I ask again, feeling hopeless. “Because it turns
out I don’t know him at all.”
We
sit for a moment in silence, then her phone buzzes. Lottie glances
down. “Damn, it’s Eva.”
I
remember all our plans. “Oh god, is she here?”
“Just
got in. We were going to meet her at Dixie’s . . .”
Lottie looks over at me. “You should come.”
“I
can’t.”
“Yes,
you can.” She straightens up, determined now. “You need
to get drunk and eat cheesy fries, and be with people who love you.
Besides, you want to see Eva, don’t you? You said it yourself,
you’re not a girl who wallows over a guy. So, we’re going
out.”
I
let Lottie dress me up in a cute summer dress and paint lipstick on
my mouth, and then we head over to Dixie’s. I try to act like I
can do this: go wild and party Will right out of my mind, but inside,
I’m still a wreck. I want to be curled up in bed watching sappy
movies as an excuse to cry my eyes out, not walking into a crowded
bar on a Friday night, full of happy people having the time of their
lives.
I
want to be with
him
.
“Dee!”
Eva’s shriek cuts through even the noise of the bar. I barely
have time to look around before she’s attacked: smothering me
in a massive hug. “Oh my god, I’ve missed you!”
“I’ve
missed you too!” I hug back, getting emotional again. It’s
been months since I’ve seen her, and even though we text and
call all the time, it’s just not the same. I pull back to take
a good look at her. “You got bangs?!”
“Surprise!”
Eva beams, her dark blonde hair cut in a new, lawyered style. She
looks great, more confident and relaxed than I could imagine. “What
about you? Where’s this hot new guy I’ve been hearing so
much about . . .” She trails off as Lottie makes
frantic cut-throat gestures. “Oh no, what did I say? What
happened?”
“You
tell her,” I say to Lottie. “I’ll go get us some
drinks.”
I
slip through the crowd, leaving Lottie to explain the whole terrible
mess. Just saying the words out loud again would have made me fall
apart, and I’m not going to do that again, not tonight.
Screw
Will,
I try to tell
myself, gesturing for Dixie at the bar.
Screw
his lies and broken promises. Screw believing in a future with a guy.
You had it right the first time around.
Dixie
doesn’t even ask what I want, she just sets three shot glasses
on the bar, and grabs a bottle of her best tequila. News travels fast
around here.
“Angel,”
I tell her gratefully, and down the first shot in one. She refills,
and I knock that one back too, letting the burn of alcohol seep
through my system.
“One
more for luck.” She gives me a rueful smile, and tops me off
again. I reach for my wallet, but she waves it away. “On the
house, love.” She sets a tray with the shots and three beers.
“Tell Eva to come say hello.”
“Will
do.” I balance our tray back across to where Eva and Lottie
have taken up residence in a corner booth. Their heads are bent
together, sisters catching up, but they both look up as I approach,
fixing me with matching expressions of sympathy and concern.
“Oh,
no.” I slip into the booth. “Don’t look at me like
that.”
“Are
you OK?” Eva reaches across the table to squeeze my hand.
“Babe, I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”
“Then
don’t.” I muster a bright smile. “Please, I don’t
want to talk about it right now. I’ve cried enough today, I
don’t want to wind up drunk and weeping in public too.” I
slide their drinks over. “Let’s have a toast, to your
amazing new life in New York!”
Eva
doesn’t look convinced, but she does as I command. We raise our
glasses, and clink them together in celebration. “It’s
good to be back,” Eva says, sipping her tequila and looking
around the room. “I love the city, it’s a whole new
adventure, but there’s nothing like home. I want all the
gossip. What have I missed? Besides the obvious,” she adds with
an apologetic smile.
“There’s
been scandal at every turn,” I announce, refusing to get sucked
under the tide of misery again. I fill her in on all the small-town
fights, rumors, and affairs, and soon we’re all laughing
together again, and it’s like she’s never been gone.
“What about you?” I demand finally. “Is it
everything you wanted? Is Finn behaving himself?”
“Hey!”
Eva protests, her cheeks flushed. “That’s my fiancé
you’re talking about.”
I
try not to flinch at the word. Will was someone’s fiancé
once. Did they make wedding plans? I wonder. Pick out invitations and
sit around feeding each other cake?
I
feel sick again, and look around for some distraction. Sawyer is
shooting pool in the back room, and I leap up. “Look who’s
here,” I point, and Eva turns.
“Oh
great, I was meaning to drop by and say hi to him. He’s keeping
the animal rescue afloat single-handedly.”
“Let’s
go play,” I say, glad to keep the conversation away from
weddings and soul mates. We head over through the crowd, Eva stopping
to greet everyone as she passes. Sawyer gives me a questioning look
as we arrive, but I just give a tiny shake of my head, and
thankfully, he doesn’t even mention Will, just hands me a pool
cue and says,