Promise Me (33 page)

At just after midnight, I look over my now spotless and reorganized closet with pride. I walk backwards out of it until I fall onto my bed exhausted. I sit back up just as quickly though, not wanting to fall victim again of sleeping with my clothes on. In doing so, I notice that box in the corner. And just like that, all the work of keeping myself busy was for nothing because Tyler is all I can think about now.

I sit and stare at it for too long for it to be normal. All it does is bring more questions. Why? Why, if you love me so much that you need me like the air to breathe, would you sleep with someone else? It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. He's like an enigma that I never can seem to figure out when he does one thing but says something else. I want to kick myself for sitting here and trying to decipher it all; all the pieces that make up Tyler. There's too many to count and nothing seems to fit. I grow increasingly agitated with every thought while I stare at that goddamn box that feels like it's taunting me. Pulling my eyes away from it, I look down at my hands that are clenched in fists. I know there are no answers in the box just like I know that none will magically appear in my head. Only one person can give me the answers I'm looking for.

Like a bat out of hell, I snatch my phone from the dock and slip on my Converse sneakers before bolting out of my room. I reach the front door after bending down to pick up my purse and keys before it dawns on me that I have no clue where I'm supposed to be going and my car is still parked by the bar from last night. Running back down the hallway, I stop just outside Julia's bedroom door and tap my knuckles softly against it. I'm surprised when I hear her voice clear and alert when she says to come in.

She tears her eyes away from her laptop, takes one look at me and says, "The Delano, room 1408 and my keys are in my purse."

"Thanks."

She shouts a "you're welcome" that I can barely hear because I'm already in full sprint towards the front door.

The drive to The Delano Hotel takes me less than twenty minutes, but to find a parking spot in South Beach on a hopping Saturday night takes another fifteen. It's not until I'm in the elevator and the door closes that I see my reflection. Shit, I should have thought this out a little better. I don't even have time to fix the messy bun on the top of my head before the doors open again on the fourteenth floor.

Of course his has to be the very last door and the whole walk there it feels like a death march. I stand there as if I was wearing a pair of boots made out of cinder blocks until I lift my hand up to knock. Adrenaline is racing through me, making a dull pounding sound in my ears that barely drowns out the clink of the lock being undone on the other side.

Tyler opens the door wearing a black tank top and black pajama bottoms. His thick brown hair is a perfect mess. But what catches my attention more than anything are the old school Ray-Ban eyeglasses on his face. Lord, help me. No one should look this good in the middle of night, especially with a pair of glasses on.

"I didn't know you needed glasses," I say sounding like a complete idiot.

"I wear them for reading," he answers with a small smirk and goes to take them off. "Do you want to come in?"

He swings the door wider for me to walk by him, closing the door before he goes to stand at a small desk to my left. Putting his glasses on a pile of papers there, he leans against the desk and watches me closely while I put Julia's keys in my purse and drop it to the floor. I walk to the windows to stare at the ocean view, choosing to keep my back to him when I blurt out the reason I came here.

"I need to know exactly what happened with Ava."

"I'm sorry, but I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because I know anything I say is going to hurt you more and that's the last thing I want."

I drop my head against the cool glass, still locked in a trance with the ocean waves hitting the sand down below.

"Tyler, I know it's crazy, but please... I need to know how and why it happened."

He stays silent for so long that I'm forced to turn around and look at him still leaning against the desk with his arms wrapped around himself. I walk over to stand in front of him and try not to let my heart take in his pained expression as he struggles to find the right words to explain himself.

"A few of us were hanging out at the bar in the restaurant after we closed for the night. Little by little there was only the two of us left. That's when she told me about Alex, and how she saw some text you got from him that day you dropped me off. Which I didn't believe at first since you never mentioned to me that you had spoken to Ava at all to begin with. Why didn't you ever tell me about that?"

I quickly say to him through clenched teeth, "So this is my fault because I never told you about Alex?"

"No, that's not what I meant."

"Why then? It wouldn't have made any difference," I say matter of fact.

His jaw flexes when he answers me back. "For starters, I would have fired her back then instead of having to wait three weeks to do it."

I feel a small sense of happiness and relief at that piece of information but it doesn't take away from the path of destruction that's been left in her wake. He pulls himself off the desk slowly to come closer to me but with every small step he takes forward, I take one backwards. I swing around him and put my palms on the desk, keeping my back to him when I take a deep breath and exhale, remembering the reason I came here.

"Go on. Tell me the rest."

He lets out a string of curses under his breath before he finally goes on with the blanks I need filled.

"One drink led to another, I was pretty drunk and she offered to give me a ride. The part of me that still thinks I don't deserve you and lets me fuck everything up in my life without a second thought… yeah, that part let her convince me that you were still with Alex. So, when she drove to her place instead, I didn't say no." He pauses then continues. "I kind of passed out... after. When I woke up in the morning she filled in the blanks for me. She told me about the phone call and what I had said to you."

I feel him coming to stand right behind me. So close that I can feel his warm breath on the back of my neck when he starts to talk again.

"Baby, I knew in that very moment that I had seriously messed everything up. I'm so fucking stupid for ever doubting you even a single second. I should have gone home, called you and asked you myself. But I didn't and I can't take it back. I want to more than anything, but I can't."

The hurt in his voice cuts through to me somehow. I want to hate myself for it but I can't control the feelings I have for him. They have been in the driver's seat since I came knocking on his door a little while ago and I know if I turn around to look in his eyes, I'll be a goner. Keeping my attention trained on the papers on the desk, I barely notice his movement behind me. It's not until I feel his right hand lightly rest on my hip that I snap out of the trance I've talked myself into.

He dips his head and brings his mouth to my ear, and in a voice that cuts me to the core says, "Tell me what I can do to make this right, baby. Whatever it is... please tell me and I'll do it."

"I don't know," I whisper.

His other hand gently pushes me to turn around but I keep my head down. My heart is racing with our bodies being pressed so closely together and the pounding in my ears has reached an all new high. He cups my face with both his hands and gradually lifts my head so that I have no choice but to stare back at him. I see something that I would assume is regret and sadness across his face, but I don't know if he fully realizes the gravity of what he's done deserves more than an "I'm sorry". He broke my trust in him and once it was violated I know it will be the most difficult thing to repair. Like a flower that needs the right amount of sunlight, water, and care to bloom, trust requires the right amount of nurturing to flourish. How, after all of this, can I ever trust him again to accomplish that? Will I always question every little thing he does or doesn't do or will I be able to look past this one day.

"You once told me that you saw the real me," my voice cracking at the memory from that night. "Well, what if
that
wa
s
the real you? What if everything you showed me about yourself was just smoke and mirrors?"

He smiles faintly and rubs my cheeks with his thumbs. "There are only two people in my life who have ever seen the real me. One of them died when I was six years old, the other one is standing right in front of me."

I close my eyes the moment he presses a kiss against my cheek and I bring my hands up to grip onto his wrists. When he goes to pull away, I surprise myself by running my hands up his arms and encircling his neck, pulling his head back down so that his lips are just an inch from mine. Both of us hesitate for just a second before our mouths finally meet.

At first our tongues move slowly but it quickly escalates, each of us wanting more from the other to help dull the pain. I arch my neck when his mouth moves down towards the exposed skin on my chest, my hands in a death grip around his neck to keep him as close to me as possible. He takes a step forward, pushing me against the edge of the desk, so I hop up to sit and he stands in between my legs.

Tyler's eyes look conflicted, but my body, with a mind of its own, craves more. I put my hands underneath his tank top to touch the bare skin of his rippled stomach. Slowly, I move them higher, taking the fabric with my movement, until something catches my eye.

There, on his right upper chest, is calligraphy style lettering in black ink that says "Sabrina". With my heart in my throat, my fingers go to graze the edges of the raised skin around it that looks like it's still healing. I never thought I'd be the kind of girl that would be touched by something like this, but I can't lie… I think it's amazing. If I can get my thoughts to stop whirling around long enough, I might be able to say something to him; about how much it means to me that he did this to himself. So much so, that I'm utterly speechless.

"Do you like it?" He asks softly, running the back of his fingers across my cheek.

"When did you do this?"

"The day after you left."

I stare at the expressive curves of the letters that are permanently branded onto his skin, completely captivated by the beauty of it.

"It's beautiful... I love it." And for the first time in what feels like an eternity, I look up at him and smile.

"No. That right there," he says acknowledging my smile, "is beautiful. I didn't think I'd ever see that smile again and God knows I don't deserve it."

The corners of his lips curl up just as he dips his head to kiss me again, but I stop him by putting the tips of my fingers there.

"I can't, I'm sorry. I want to... obviously... but I need some more time to think about everything and if we do what we were about to do, it will just confuse me more than I already am."

He grabs hold of my fingers that are still touching his lips and kisses them tenderly before placing it above his heart.

"Baby, you don't ever need to apologize. I should be the one on my fucking knees begging for forgiveness."

I smile weakly as my eyes water and search his face for the answer I need more than any other. He had said those magic words to me yesterday but at the end of the day they're just words. I need to feel those words blanket me just like the warmth of his body does. And right now, I need that more than anything.

"Do you really love me, Tyler?"

Without a drop of hesitation in his voice, he whispers, "With all that I am."

He dips his head to rest his forehead against mine and I close my eyes to relish the closeness for a few moments. The confirmation of his feelings for me is like a salve on a wound that won't heal no matter how much I want them to. I try to clear my head of all the thoughts I have swirling inside of it like a tornado but it's of no use. I need to give myself some time to think things over carefully since there is no way that I can decide to forget what happened just like that.

"I should go," I say sounding as exhausted as I feel.

"Can I see you again?"

"I'm not sure that's a promise I want to keep right now."

He lifts his head, causing some of his hair to fall onto his brow. On instinct, I go to brush it out of the way, but let my hand fall onto my lap instead. I try not to let the bleak look in his eyes affect me when I slide off the desk, taking some of the papers with me. I bend down to gather them at the same time Tyler does, almost bumping our heads together in the process. I go to hand him the ones I picked up as we both go to stand and then yank them back to me when I make out what they say.