Princess in Waiting (5 page)

of your life.'

I informed Grandmere that I will be fifteen in four months, and also that Juliet was fourteen when she

married Romeo.

To which Grandmere replied, 'And that relationship turned out very nicely, didn't it!'

Grandmere clearly has never been in love. Furthermore, she has no appreciation whatsoever of fine

literature.

'And in any case,' Grandmere added, 'if you hope to keep
that boy,
you are going about it all wrong.'

I thought it was very unsupportive of Grandmere to be suggesting that I, after only having had a boyfriend

for

twenty-four days, during which time I had seen him exactly once, was already in danger of losing him,

and said so.

'Well, I'm sorry, Amelia,' Grandmere said. 'But I can't say you know what you're about if it's true you

actually want

to keep this young man. You call him at all hours of the night—'

'Actually,' I said, 'where he is, it is a perfectly civilized time for me to call, right after he and his

grandparents and

sister get back from their Early Bird special dinner.'

But Grandmere wasn't listening,

'You do not give him any reason to doubt your affections,' she went on.

'Of course not,' I said, horrified. 'Why would I do that? I love him!'

'But you mustn't let him know that!' Grandmere looked ready to throw her mid-morning Sidecar at me.

Are you

completely dense?
Never
let a man be sure of your affections for him! You did a very good job at first,

with the

business of forgetting his birthday. But now you are ruining everything by calling all the time. If
that boy

realizes

how you really feel, he will stop trying to please you.'

'But Grandmere.' I was way confused. 'You married Grandpa. Surely he figured out you loved him if you

went ahead

and married him.'

'Grandpere, Mia, please, not this vulgar Grandpaw you Americans insist upon.' Grandmere sniffed and

looked insulted. 'Besides which, your grandfather most certainly did not "figure out" my feelings for him. I

made quite certain he thought

I was only marrying him for his money and title. And I don't think I need to point out to you that we had

forty blissful years together. And without separate bedrooms,' she added, with some malice, 'unlike some

royal couples I could mention.'

'Wait a minute.' I stared at her. 'For forty years you slept in the same bed as Grandpere, but you never

once told him that

you loved him?'

Grandmere drained what was left of her Sidecar and laid an affectionate hand on top of her miniature

poodle Rommel's

head. Since returning to Genovia, most of Rommel's fur has started to grow back. According to theroyal

Genovian vet,

the allergy that caused it all to fall out was to New York City in general. White fuzz was starting to come

out all over him,

like down on a baby chicken. But it didn't make him look any less repulsive.

'That,' Grandmere said, 'is precisely what I am telling you. I kept your grandfather on his toes, and he

loved every minute

of it. If you want to keep this Michael fellow, I suggest you do the same thing. Stop this business of

calling him every night.

Stop this business of not looking at any other boys. And stop this obsessing over what you are going to

get him for his

birthday.
He
should be the one obsessing over what he is going to buy to
keep you
interested, not the

other way around.'

'Me?
But my birthday isn't until May!' I didn't want to tell her that I had already figured out what I was

getting for Michael.

I didn't want to tell her because I had sort of snitched it out of the back of the Palais de Genovia

museum.

Well, nobody else was using it, so I don't see why I can't. I'm the Princess of Genovia, after all. I own

everything in that museum anyway. Or at least the royal family does.

'Who says a man should give a woman gifts only on her birthday?' Grandmere was looking at me like she

pretty much despaired of me as a
Homo sapiens.
She held up her wrist. Dripping from it was a bracelet

Grandmere wears a lot, one

with diamonds big as European one cent pieces "hanging off it. 'I got this from your grandfather on March

5, 1967. Why? March fifth is not my birthday, nor is it any kind of holiday. Your grandfather gave it to

me on that day merely because he thought that the bracelet, like myself, was exquisite.' She lowered her

hand back down to Rommel's head. 'That, Amelia,

is how a man ought to treat the woman he loves.'

All I could think was poor Grandpa. He couldn't havehad any idea what he was getting himself into when

it came to Grandmere, who'd been a total babe back when she was young, before she'd gotten her

eyeliner tattooed and plucked

out all her eyebrows. I'm sure Gramps just took one look at her across that dance floor where they met

back when he

was just the dashing heir to the throne and she was a pert young debutante, and froze, like a deer caught

in headlights,

never suspecting what lay ahead . . .

Years of subtle mind games and Sidecar shaking.

'I don't think I can be like that, Grandmere,' I said. 'I mean, I don't want Michael to give me diamonds. I

just want him

to ask me to the prom.'

'Well, he won't do it,' Grandmere said, 'if he doesn't know there's a possibility you're entertaining offers

from other boys.'

'Grandmere!' I was shocked. 'I would never to go to the prom with anybody but Michael!' Not like there

was a big chance

of anybody else asking me, either, but I felt that was beside the point.

'But you must never let him know that, Amelia,' Grandmere said, severely. 'You must keep him always in

doubt of your feelings, always on his toes. Men enjoy the hunt, you see, and once their quarry has been

taken, they tend to lose all

interest. Here. This is for you to read. I believe it will adequately illustrate my point.'

And then from her Gucci bag, Grandmere drew out a book, which she handed to me. I looked down at

it incredulously.

'Jane Eyre?'
I couldn't believe it. 'Grandmere, no offence, but I saw the movie and it was way boring.'

'Movie?' Grandmere said, with a sniff. 'Read that book, Amelia, and see if it doesn't teach you a thing or

two about

how men and women relate to one another.'

'Grandmere,' I said, not sure how to break it to her that she was way behind the times. 'I think people

who want to know

how men and women relate to one another are reading
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

these days.'

'Read it!'
Grandmere yelled, so loudly that she scared Rommel clear off her lap. He slunk off to cower

behind a potted geranium.

I swear I don't know what I did to deserve a grandmother like mine. Lilly's grandma totally worships her

boyfriend, Boris Pelkowski. She is always sending him Tupperware tubs of kreplach and stuff. I don't

know why I have to get a grandma

who is already trying to get me to break up with a guy I've only been going out with for twenty-four days.

Seven days, twenty-three hours and forty-five minutes until I see him again.

Tuesday, January 12, 10 a.m.,

Sessionof Genovian Parliament

Jane Eyre
is boring, so far nothing but orphanages, bad haircuts and a lot of coughing.

Tuesday, January 12, 2 p.m.,

Still in a Session of Genovian Parliament

Jane Eyre
looking up. She has gotten a job as a governess in the house of very rich guy, Mr Rochester.

Mr Rochester is bossy, much like Wolverine, or Michael.

Tuesday; January 12, 5 p.m.,

StillSitting in on Session of Genovian Parliament

Mr Rochester = total hottie. Going on my list of Totally Hot Guys between Hugh Jackman and that

Bosnian dude from
ER.

Tuesday, January 12, 7 p.m.,

Ivory Dining Room

Jane Eyre = total idiot! It was not Mr Rochester's fault! Why is she being so mean to him?

Wednesday, January 13, 3 a,m.,

Royal Genovian Bedchamber

OK, I guess I understand what Grandmere was getting at with this book. But seriously, that whole part

where Mrs Fairfax warns Jane not to get too chummy with Mr. Rochester before the wedding was just

because back in those days there was

no birth control. Well, and also the part about him already having a wife.

Still - and I may have to consult with Lilly on this - I am pretty sure it is unwise to pattern one's behaviour

on the advice

of a fictional character, especially one from a book written in 1846.

However, I do get the general gist of Mrs Fairfax's warning, which was this: Do not chase boys. Chasing

boys can lead

to horrible things like mansions going up in flames, hand amputations and bigamous marriages. Have

some self-respect

and don't let things go too far before the wedding day.

Which in modern parlance translates to Don't Put Out Until Senior Prom.

I get this. I so get this.

But what is Michael going to think if I just stop calling????
I mean, he might think I don't like him any

more!!!!

I guess that is Grandmere's point. I guess you are supposed to keep boys on their toes this way.

I don't know. But it seemed to work with Grandpa. And for Jane, in the end. I guess I could give it a try.

But it won't be easy. It is nine o'clock at night in Florida right now. Who knows what Michael is doing?

He might have

gone down to the beach for a stroll and met some beautiful, homeless musician girl, who is living under

theboardwalk

and making a living off the tourists, for whom she plays wryly observant folk songs on her Stratocaster.

She could be

wearing fringy things and be all busty and snaggle-toothed, like Jewel. No boy could be expected just to

walk on by

when a girl like that is standing there.

No. Grandmere and Mrs Fairfax are right. I've got to resist. I've got to resist the urge to call him. When

you are less

available, it drives men wild, just like in
Jane Eyre.

Though I think changing my name and running away to live with distant relations like Jane did might be

going a bit too far.

Five days, ten hours, and fifty-eight minutes until I see him again.

Thursday; January 14, 11 p.m.,

Royal Genovian Bedchamber

Tina spent all day yesterday reading
Jane Eyre
as per my recommendation and agrees with me that there

might be

something to the whole letting-boys-chase-you-as-opposed-to-you-chasing-them thing. So she has

decided not to

email or call Dave first.

Lilly, however, refuses to take part in this scheme, as she says game-playing is for children and that her

relationship with

Boris is one that cannot be qualified by modern-day psycho-sexual mating practices. According to Tina

(I can't call Lilly because Michael might pick up the phone and then he'll think I'm chasing him), Lilly says

that Jane
Eyre
was one of the first feminist manifestos, and, though she doesn't feel that she needs Jane's

brilliant guidance, she heartily approves of us using

it as a model for our romantic relationships. Although she sent a warning to me through Tina that I

shouldn't expect Michael

to ask me to marry him until after he's gotten at least one post-graduate degree as well as a start-up

position with a company that pays two hundred thousand dollars or more a year, plus an annual

performance bonus.

Lilly also added that the one time she saw him ride a horse, Michael looked way unromantic, so I

shouldn't get my hopes

up that he's going to be jumping any stiles like Mr Rochester any time soon.

But I find this hard to believe. I am sure Michael would look very handsome on a horse.

Tina mentioned that Lilly is still upset about the movie of my life they showed the other day. Tina saw it,

though, and said it wasn't as bad as Lilly is making it out to be. She said the lady who played Principal

Gupta was hilarious.

But Tina wasn't in the movie, on account of her dad having found out about it beforehand and threatening

the filmmakers with

a lawsuit if they mentioned his daughter's name anywhere. Mr. Hakim Baba worries a lot about Tina

getting kidnapped by a rival oil sheikh. Tina says she wouldn't mind being kidnapped, though, if the rival

oil sheikh was cute and willing to commit to

a long-term relationship and remembered to buy her one of those diamond heart pendants from Kay

Jewelers on Valentine's Day.

Tina says the girl who played Lana Weinberger in the movie did a fabulous job and should get an Emmy.

Also that she

didn't think Lana was going to be too happy about how she was portrayed, as a jealous wannabe.

Also the guy who played Josh was a babe. Tina is trying to find his email address.

Tina and I vowed that if either of us ever felt like calling our boyfriends, instead we would call one

another. Unfortunately,

I have no mobile so it is not like Tina will be able to reach me if I am in the middle of knighting someone

or anything. But