Princess in Waiting (15 page)

can they keep

stuffing this infantile swill down our throats,year after year. Don't they think we

know by now that tobacco kills? Hey, did you get all your homework done, or were

you up all night instant messaging

my brother instead?

Both.

You two are so cute, it makes me want to puke. Almost as cute as Mr Wheeton and

Mademoiselle Klein.

Shut up.

God, this is boring. Want to make another list?

OK, you start.

Lilly Moscovitz's Guide to What's Hot and What's Not on TV

(with commentary by Mia Thermopolis):

Seventh Heaven

Lilly: A complex look at one family's struggles to maintain Christian mores in an ever-evolving,

modern-day society. Fairly well acted and occasionally moving, this show can turn 'preachy', but

does depict the problems facing normal families with surprising realism, and only occasionally

sinks to the banal.

Mia: Even though the dad is a minister and everyone has to learn a lesson at the end of every episode,this

show is pretty good. High point When the Olsen twins guest-starred. Low point When the show's

cosmetician gave the youngest girl straight hair
.

Popstars

Lilly: A ridiculous attempt to pander to the lowest common denominator, this show puts its young

stars through

a humiliatingly public 'audition', then zeroes in as the losers cry and winners gloat.

Mia: They take a bunch of attractive people who can sing and dance and make them

audition for a place in a pop group, and

some of them get it and some of them don't, and the ones who do are instant celebrities

who then crack up, all the while

wearing interesting and generally navel-baring outfits. How could this show be bad?

Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Lilly: Though based on comic-book characters, this show is surprisingly affable, and even

occasionally amusing. Although, sadly, actual Wiccan practices are not described. The show could

benefit from some research into the age-old religion that has, through the centuries, empowered

millions, primarily females. The talking cat is a bit suspect: I have not read any believable

documentation that would support the possibility of transfiguration.

Mia: Totally awesome during the high school/Harvey years. Goodbye Harvey - goodbye show
.

Baywatch

Lilly: Puerile garbage.

Mia: Most excellent show of all time. Everyone is good-looking; you can fully follow every

plotline, even while instant messaging;

and there are lots of pictures of the beach, which is great when you are in dark gloomy

Manhattan in February. Best episode:

when Pamela Anderson Lee got kidnapped by that half-man/half-beast, who after plastic

surgery became a professor at UCLA. Worst episode: anytime Mitch adopts a son.

Powerpuff Girls

Lilly: Best show on television.

Mia: Ditto. Nuffsaid.

Roswell High

Lilly: An intriguing look at the possibility that aliens live among us. The fact that they might be

teenagers, and extraordinarily attractive ones at that, stretches the show's credibility somewhat.

Mia: Hot guys with alien powers. What more can you ask? High point Future Max; any

time anybody made out in the eraser

room. Low point: when that skanky Tess showed up.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Lilly: Feminist empowerment at its peak, entertainment at its best. The heroine is a lean, mean,

vampire-killing machine, who worries as much about her immortal soul as she does messing up

her hair. A strong role model for

young women - nay, people of all sexes and ages will benefit from the viewing of this show. All of

television should

be this good. The fact that this show has, for so long, been ignored by the Emmys is a travesty.

Mia: If only the Buffster could just find a boyfriend who doesn't need to drink

platelets to survive. High point

any time there's kissing. Low point none.

Gilmore Girls

Lilly: Thoughtful portrayal of single mother struggling to raise teenage daughter in a small,

northeastern town.

Mia: Many, many, many, many, many, many cute boys. Plus it is nice to see single

moms who sleep with their kid's teacher getting respect instead of lectures from the

Moral Majority.

Charmed

Lilly: While this show at least accurately portrays historical Wiccan practices, the spells these girls

routinely cast are completely unrealistic. You cannot, for instance, travel through time or between

dimensions without creating rifts in the space-time continuum. Were these girls really to transport

themselves to seventeenth-century Puritan America, they would arrive there with their

oesophaguses ripped inside out, not neatly stuffed into a corset, as no one can

travel through a wormhole and maintain their mass integrity. It is a simple matter of physics.

Albert Einstein must

be spinning in his grave.

Mia: Hello, witches in hot clothes. Like Sabrina, only better because the boys are

cuter, and sometimes they are

in danger and the girls have to save them.

Thursday; January 21.

Gifted and Talented

Tina is so mad at Jane Eyre. She says Jane Eyre ruined her life.

She announced this at lunch. Right in front of Michael, who isn't supposed to know about the whole Jane

Eyre technique

of not chasing boys thing, but, whatever. He admitted to never having read the book, so I think it is a safe

bet he didn't

know what Tina was talking about.

Still, it was way sad. Tina said she is giving up her romance novels. Giving them up because they led to

the ruination of

her relationship with Dave!

We were all very upset to hear about this. Tina
loves
reading romances. She reads about one a day.

But now she says that if it weren't for romance novels, she, and not this mysterious Jasmine person,

would be going to

the Rangers game with Dave Farouq El-Abar this Saturday.

And my pointing out that she doesn't even like hockey didn't seem to help.

Lilly and I both realized that this was a pivotal moment in Tina's adolescent growth. It needed to be

pointed out to her that Dave, not Jane, was the one who'd pulled the plug on their relationship . . . and,

that when looked at objectively, the whole thing was probably for the best. It was ludicrous for Tina to

blame romance novels for her plight.

So Lilly and I very quickly drew up the following list, and presented it to Tina, in the hope that she would

see the error of

her ways:

Mia and Lilly's List of Romantic Heroines

and the Valuable Lessons Each Taught Us:

1.Jane Eyre from
Jane Eyre:

Stick to your convictions and you will prevail.

2.Lorna Doone from
Lorna
Doone:

Probably you are secretly royalty and an heiress, only no one has told you yet (this applies to Mia

Thermopolis, as well).

3.Elizabeth Bennet from
Pride and Prejudice:

Boys like it when you are smart-alecky.

4.Scarlett O'Hara from
Gone with the Wind:

Ditto.

5.Maid Marian from
Robin Hood:

It is a good idea to learn how to use a bow and arrow.

6.Jo March from
Little Women:

Always keep a second copy of your manuscript handy in case your vindictive little sister throws your first

draft

on the fire.

7.Anne Shirley from
Anne of Green Gables:

One word: Clairol.

8.Marguerite St Juste from
The Scarlet Pimpernel:

Check out your husband's rings before you marry him.

9.Cathy, from
Wuthering Heights:

Don't get too big for your breeches or you too will have to wander the moors in lonely heartbreak after

you die.

10. Juliet from
Romeo and Juliet:

If you're going to fake your own death, it might be nice if you clued your husband in about it first, to

avoid any

tragic mishaps later.

Tina, after reading the list, admitted tearfully that we were right, that romantic heroines really were her

friends, and that she could not, in good conscience, forsake them. We were all just breathing a sigh of

relief (except for Michael and Boris; they were playing on Michael's Gameboy) when Shameeka made a

sudden announcement, even more startling than Tina's:

'I'm trying out for cheerleading.'

We were, of course, stunned. Not because Shameeka would make a bad cheerleader - she is the most

athletic of us all,

also the most attractive, and knows almost as much as Tina does about fashion and make-up.

It was just that, as Lilly so bluntly put it, 'Why would you want to go and do something like
that?'

'Because,' Shameeka explained, 'I am tired of letting Lana and her friends push me around. I am just as

good as any of them. Why shouldn't I try out for the squad, even if I'm not in their little clique? I have just

as good a chance of getting on the team

as anybody else.'

Lilly said, 'While this is unarguably true, I feel I must warn you, Shameeka, if you try out for cheerleading,

you might actually

get on the squad. Are you prepared to subject yourself to the humiliation of cheering for Josh Richter as

he chases after a

little ball?'

'Cheerleading has, for many years, suffered from the stigma of being inherently sexist,' Shameeka said.

'But I think the cheerleading community in general is making strides at asserting itself as a fast-growing

sport for both men and women. It is

a good way to keep fit and active, it combines two things I love dearly, dance and gymnastics, and will

look excellent on my college applications. That is, of course, the only reason my father is allowing me to

try out. That and the fact that I won't be allowed to attend any post-game parties.'

I didn't doubt this last part. Mr Taylor, Shameeka's dad, is way strict.

But as for the rest of it, well, I wasn't sure.

'Does that mean that if you get on the squad,' I wanted to know, 'you'll stop eating lunch with us and go

sit over there?'

I pointed at the long table across the cafeteria from ours, at which Lana and Josh and all of their

school-spirit minded, incredibly well-coiffed cronies sat. The thought of losing Shameeka, who was

always so elegant and yet at the same

time sensible, to the Dark Side made my heart ache.

'Of course not,' Shameeka said, disparagingly. 'Getting on to the Albert Einstein High School

cheerleading squad is not

going to change my friendships with all of you one iota. I will still be the camera person for your television

show . . .' she nodded to Lilly, '. . . and your Bio. partner . . .' to me, '. . . and your lipstick consultant. . .'

to Tina, '. . . and your portrait model,' to Ling Su. 'I just may not be around as much, if I get on to the

squad.'

We all sat there, reflecting upon this great change that might befall us. If Shameeka made the squad it

would, of course,

strike a blow for geeky girls everywhere. But it would also necessarily rob of us Shameeka, who would

be forced to

spend all of her free time practising doing the splits and taking the bus to Mount Kisco for away games

with Phillips Prep.

The silence at the table was palpable . . . well, except for the
bing-bing-bing
of Michael's electronic

game. Boys -apparently even perfect boys, like Michael - are immune to things like mood.

But I can tell you, the mood of this year so far has beenpretty bad. In fact, if things don't start looking up

soon, I may have

to write this entire year off as a do-over.

Still no clue as to what my secret talent might be. One thing I'm pretty sure it's not is psychology. It was

hard work talking

Tina out of giving up her books! And we didn't manage to convince Shameeka not to try out for

cheerleading. I guess I can

see why she'd want to do it -I mean, it might be a
little
fun.

Though why anyone would willingly want to spend that much time with Lana Weinberger is beyond me.

Thursday, January 21

French