Pride Over Pity (13 page)

But I went back to my old habits shortly after Isaac was born. I stopped eating or opted for minimal items. I’d chew a piece of gum, that’s only five calories. I’d drink water to fill up my stomach. I realize now that these are stupid ways to lose weight, you end up gaining it back next week. But anorexia defies logic. You are literally starving your body of the nutrition it needs and the consequences can be deadly.

Looking for better results, my habits took an even more dangerous turn. I’d do the most intense workout devised, Insanity—a home workout DVD that is supposed to help transform your body in sixty days. I’d do a forty-five minute session and then not replenish my body with water or nutrients. Instead, I would make myself throw up. That’s how desperately I wanted to be thin. Not a day went by, that I didn’t wish to be skinnier and to feel comfortable wearing whatever I wanted. Getting dressed in the morning should never be as difficult as I made it. I chose to wear sweatpants and leggings. Jeans were never an option. The number on the label indicating my pants size didn’t read beautiful to me. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I saw a “chunky monkey” staring back at me.

Enough was enough. I decided that it was time for me to take back control of my body image. With age and maturity, I’ve learned that only I have the power to make myself feel good. I am the only one who can change my attitude towards my body. To boost my self-esteem and hopefully help others who have similar issues, I agreed to do a photo shoot for a campaign called, “Beauty is Sizeless.” The photographer, Katie Hedrick, contacted me and explained the project’s purpose of teaching others to value themselves in every way possible. She made me feel comfortable and empowered as she photographed me in a bright blue Betsey Johnson dress. Having my makeup and hair done brought out the confidence buried within. I decided to strive to keep this as my attitude on an everyday basis. A few months later we had chosen a specific shot. A black and white, soft light, flattering shot of me clad in a bra and jeans. I was wearing jeans and proud of my body, damn it! My quote on the photo reflected how I finally felt about myself. It said:

The definition of true beauty is being a hundred percent comfortable in your own skin. It’s having confidence in yourself even if you don’t meet the standards of how others expect you to look. True beauty is the ability to love yourself and all the flaws you come with. When you love and respect yourself and wear your confidence, everyone else will see it.

Size zero skinny jeans may not be hugging my hips anytime soon, but I no longer feel ashamed of my body. True beauty comes from within and being healthy is so much more important than the size you wear.

Beauty Is Sizeless campaign

Chapter 17

The Three Rings of Marriage

He passed! He passed! He passed! Flying colors and all, Javi passed the ASVB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery), the initial required test to enter the United States Air Force. The overwhelming excitement and sense of pride I felt, were paired with a hollowed-out pit in my stomach. Training camp in Texas was less than six months away so pushing the sadness down was like pretending Brussels sprouts were Snickers bars.

Tough times were ahead, but we tried not to dwell on it. There’d be plenty of lonely days and nights for me to sulk. Since Javi would be leaving for basic training so soon, we agreed to put our marriage plans on hold. I had already decided that I wanted to go through the normal steps and get engaged, not just hitch up quickly and quietly. But even if we couldn’t get married yet, we still had plenty to celebrate and be thankful for. Javi’s career path was lining up neatly.

A celebratory dinner out was in order. Early one day, a few weeks later, Javi took Isaac out and I sensed a devious, secret strategy being carried out by my two boys. I had no idea what they were up to, but obliged their request to keep their surprise a surprise. Later, I drove by myself to Honesdale, the town I grew up in, to meet them. Javi had chosen a restaurant very close to where my old house stood, which indicated nostalgia was important to our dinner. Javi was making this very special for me, even though the dinner was meant to be a celebration of his achievement.

The mysterious instructions he’d left at home led me from Whitehall to this restaurant and up to the hostess. She handed me a cute scavenger hunt-like note:

Almost found us. Walk out of the restaurant. Make a right. Go down to the steps and follow the path down to the lake. Hurry. We miss you.

Your boys,

Jav and Isaac.

Isaac and Javi were exactly where they said they’d be, by the scenic Lake Wallenpaupack. They were clad in ties and each holding a bouquet of flowers. The gorgeous view and their gentlemanly attire pointed to a momentous occasion. What was happening? I had thought the three of us were out to celebrate Javi. His shaky smile indicated he was nervous and that made me nervous, too. I took Javi’s extended hands and listened to what he had to say,

“Well, the real reason why I brought you out here is because this was your childhood. You were raised here. I felt like this was a part of your life I wasn’t part of. So I figured if I came out here, I felt like someway I would be part of it forever because you are my present now. What I really want to know now . . .” he knelt down on one knee, “is if you’ll marry me.”

The ecstatic electricity running through my core made responding a challenge. I nodded enthusiastically, squealing, “Of course!” Wow. Wow. Wow. He proposed! I was engaged! What? I was both stunned and exhilarated. The hugs, kisses, and tears expressed our emotions because we were too overwhelmed to speak.

The practical part came to the conversation as we settled down to our dinner. We weren’t engaged for me to just stare at the beautiful, shiny “Britney Spears inspired” ring. Javi’s obvious dedication to Isaac and me had been declared. Even as he prepared to leave for training, we had no question in our minds what the next step was. We wanted to be hearing wedding bells as soon as possible. Javi did me justice by following tradition and proposing to me in such a meaningful and romantic way. Looking back at Vegas, it was such a fleeting thought that seemed forever ago. The teetering back and forth had answered our questions. We were hesitant about eloping but now we were ready to start planning our wedding.

Meanwhile, life was coming at us full speed and the days were counting down as Javi prepped for Texas. There was no time to plan a big ceremony, so we decided to go to the courthouse to get the legal formalities out of the way. Since I am an atheist, we had already agreed not to have a church ceremony and to focus on planning a big wedding celebration in the future.

As joyful as I was to be getting married, truthfully I was a little disappointed that the ceremony would be happening in a courthouse. It all felt so matter of fact and unmagical. Every couple has to sign papers to get a marriage license, but this meant something a little different to me. Since the time constraint and our financial resources meant that I couldn’t have my dream wedding ceremony, I desperately wanted to turn the simplistic, legal rite into a special day.

In retrospect, the experience surpassed my expectations of the day. The courthouse ritual was unexpectedly emotional and meaningful, despite my wanting a larger ceremony. I was crying like a baby as I said my vows because I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we were meant to be together. There wasn’t a bone, muscle, or ligament in my body telling me the moment was wrong. Any onlooker could tell what I was feeling inside. It felt so right.

Even though getting married at the courthouse wasn’t romantic, especially as dozens of people were also there to file for divorce, Javi and I were properly dressed for the occasion. I wore a simple, lacy ivory dress while Javi and Isaac had on button-downs and dress pants. Javi had his mother and Miguel, a good friend, to stand in as witnesses. The judge read a passage out of the Bible, which I wasn’t happy about but I decided to overlook it and focus on the vows we were told to repeat. Then, all of a sudden, we were officially married. That was it. The huge wedding–with dancing, cake, and champagne—that I wanted would hopefully be reserved for the fall. After all, Javi and I still wanted to celebrate our marriage with those who loved us most. On the other hand, love doesn’t wait for life’s schedule to open up.

There was one person I was worried wouldn’t take the news of our engagement quite so well. I hadn’t told Jo yet and I would have to explain what this would mean for him and Isaac. We had been getting along relatively well, but I was guessing any content period we’d had was inching toward the drain. In fact, Jo would probably full out hate me for what I was about to tell him.

Javi’s military base placement would be somewhere other than Pennsylvania, which meant we could be moving a remarkable distance. Javi and had I made a commitment to one another, and Isaac and I would follow him wherever he was stationed. This obviously could have a huge impact on Jo’s relationship with Isaac. It was never my intention to take my son from his father, but in the long haul I knew this was the best option for Isaac and me. Javi undeniably loved Isaac and viewed him as a son. My mind was one hundred percent set.

For such a significant decision, I knew Jo needed to be informed immediately. Our ability to maintain a civil adult relationship as Isaac’s parents would depend on how we handled this situation. Communication was the solution, per co-parenting counseling advice. I wasn’t just going through the motions to be polite, though. I genuinely care about Jo’s feelings when it comes to Isaac.

Jo, like I predicted, took my marriage as a sham. He argued that I had rushed into a serious commitment that I was surely not ready for. Javi and I almost had a year together, which wasn’t acceptable to Jo, but to me the number held less significance than the depth of our feelings. I hadn’t been impulsive with such a huge decision. Javi and I weren’t a joke. Jo’s inability at the time to see the real reason why Javi and I chose to get married excused his poor judgment in sizing us up. I think Jo doubted my relationship with Javi because he wasn’t sure what he wanted and saw Javi as the ultimate barricade to ever having “us” as a possibility again.

Jo’s reaction exceeded my low expectations, in that he didn’t throw a fit or threaten to take me to court (although there would be plenty of that in our future). Custody has always been a struggle for us. We need to learn to work together to divide up time in order for Isaac to see both of us. Co-parenting means working together to meet Isaac’s needs, no matter what compromises and sacrifices we have to make. In order for me to move with Isaac, we would need to readjust the custody agreement. I was willing to work to find a way to give Jo the time he needed. Christmas? Major holidays? Summers? The judge, hopefully, would comprehend the move wasn’t whimsical wanderlust. It was an opportunity for me to provide a whole, stable family.

Co-parenting is doable knowing that we are all so much better off than if Jo and I had stayed together. It’s not like I dread dropping off Isaac at Jo’s. Of course, I wish I could have Isaac all of the time but the way we live now is a hundred times better than how I picture us living if Jo and I had stayed together. Harmoniously co-parenting Isaac has taken some transitioning to get used to. There were plenty of fights over allotted time slots when we each could have Isaac, many of which have had to be resolved in court.

Isaac loves Javi. He also loves Jo and knows that he is his father. Despite the many fights and the anger I have felt over the years, I do my best not to let Isaac hear me say anything negative about his father. Jo and I have our own issues, but keeping our son out of it is essential to protecting him from our mistakes. Isaac’s happiness is so much more important than anything else that’s going on. In the beginning, I really believed Isaac’s happiness was solely dependent on Jo and me working out our kinks. Now I realize we are so much healthier giving Isaac two whole families that love him unconditionally.

***

The most difficult part of co-parenting is that you are still in each other’s lives and sometimes it’s a challenge to totally stay out. While I may have been seen as the one who wanted to make our family work, for a long time Jo felt the same way, too. I’ve lost count of all the times he’s wanted to hook up with me. He did succeed when I was at my most vulnerable, in terms of my feelings for him, and I had lost a very important person in my life, Jordan, because of it. In between relationships, when Javi and I weren’t together, I did hook up with Jo. I had made the same mistake over and over. I’ve learned though. Jo continued to pursue me but I was done trying to convince myself that he wanted more than just hook ups. I would never cheat ever again. Javi means too much to me.