Pride Over Pity (10 page)

My fear of not ever connecting with the girls died faster than a flickering flame on a windy day. As Twitter had become the latest social media sensation, it really brought us together as a cast. We were able to contact each other frequently and bond over the similar positive and negative responses we were receiving through Twitter. We also exchanged numbers and talked frequently outside of the public eye. Like cliques in school, we found ourselves in one another. Chelsea turned out to be the lone ranger, who kept to herself and had to be coaxed out from her own world. She had such a shaky relationship with her child’s father and I really felt for her because I had been there, too. Jenelle, as most probably knew, was the wild child who pretty much made me look like a recluse. I’m convinced no one loves Ke$ha as much as Jenelle. She’s hardcore. The Southern belle, Leah, is the one I’m closest to. We actually visit each other outside of
Teen Mom 2
publicity. I was so happy when she married Jeremy because individually they are amazing but together they glow. She invited me to her wedding and it was one of the most beautiful and meaningful ceremonies I’ve ever attended.

Chelsea, Jenelle, and Leah became more than just my cast mates—they became my friends. We all agree that through
Teen Mom 2
there is a bigger message we hope to project. We want to make people aware of the struggles of being a teen mother, even though sometimes that message is overshadowed by the drama of our relationships. We want to be known for more than just our mistakes, but we have learned we need to be careful because we are often portrayed in the media as figures to be mocked. It may seem to people like we benefit from all the rumors and gossip about us, but the truth is, gracing the covers of tabloid magazines doesn’t make our bank accounts surge, nor does it create the positive message we hope to pass on.

In an effort to turn the publicity surrounding us in a positive direction, we agreed to do interviews where we could discuss issues that were meaningful to us. We were invited to appear on
Good Morning America
, Anderson Cooper’s daytime talk show,
Anderson Live
, and Dr. Drew’s
Lifechangers
. To be invited onto these television shows was beyond my wildest dreams, a once in a lifetime opportunity. I loved doing it, but we did not profit financially from these appearances. Our travel expenses were covered, but that’s it.

I truly enjoyed these experiences and found a new love for the camera, although I’d rather be the one asking the questions than have all that overwhelming attention on me. For the first time, I understood that there is a potential career behind what I was already doing for
Teen Mom 2
. Maybe one day I’ll try working in radio or behind the scenes in television. Realistically, though, I still have to tackle the overwhelming first step—getting a college degree.

Chapter 12

Sister, Sister

Enrolling in community college seemed like the best option for me, as I still wasn’t sure what career path I wanted to pursue. I decided to seek out some counseling assistance from the school, but their recommendations were not realistic options for me. Their advice was to not have a job and to concentrate solely on my schoolwork. I would have loved to follow this advice, but in reality I was struggling to balance attending classes and keeping up with schoolwork with press outings, a child, two jobs, and filming for
Teen Mom 2
.

I changed my major quite a few times. First I tried business, but it involved way too much math so I literally walked out of my first class as the rest of the poor saps crunched numbers. Business was too practical for me. I needed passion. I was interested in social work because I wanted to help people who were struggling. Social work is a career in which the ultimate goal isn’t a six-figure income. It’s about helping people in need. It’s loving what you do every single day. I worked at it for four semesters, but in the end I dropped out before receiving my associate degree. Reality crashed hard every morning as I struggled to get myself and Isaac out the door. I quickly became discouraged by how challenging every day truly was. I needed to be working full time as quickly as possible to support myself and my son and sadly social work meant more schooling than I could handle at that time.

So I left community college, trading in my textbooks for toothbrushes and dental floss. Becoming a dental assistant had always been in the back of my mind as a way to provide for Isaac and myself. Little did I know then that trade school would be as difficult and time consuming as community college. In order to become certified, there are weekly tests that need to be passed and a state x-ray test. I was finding it increasingly difficult to balance school with the rest of my hectic life.

During the day I was either working at a local Italian restaurant or at Sports Authority. After putting in a long shift, I’d hop on over to the Lehigh Valley School of Dental Assisting to drain whatever brain cells I had left. While I was at school or work, Isaac would be in daycare, with Jordan, or occasionally with my mom. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel like I could rely on my mother and I would often come home to a cloud of cigarette smoke, wondering if the stains on the carpet were Captain Morgan. It seemed like she couldn’t handle her only duty of putting Isaac to bed. I was so worried about what was going on at home that I couldn’t concentrate and I would often end up calling in sick at work or skipping class so I wouldn’t have to leave Isaac. Plus, I felt guilty putting so much pressure on Jordan. I was lucky to be able to call on him to be a stable figure for Isaac and it was clear he loved my little boy, but I was the mother and he was my responsibility.

Fortunately, the little support I had was enough to get by for now. Also, I felt a little more at peace now that I had stability at school and was no longer bouncing back and forth between majors. It had been such an intensely stressful situation not knowing what to choose. Because I had never been active in sports or clubs as a child, I was still figuring out who I was and what I liked as a young adult.

***

It felt like I was still seeking the pieces of me that were missing. And I believed that a large chunk lay in Texas. I needed to know where I came from and the trip I had taken to meet my dad while I was pregnant with Isaac hadn’t given me all the information I had wanted. Meeting my father didn’t deter me from seeking out the rest of his family and completing my family tree. Through social media, I was able to connect with my next closest relative—my half-sister, Mikaila. Despite how much information there is online, reaching out to her proved more difficult than I had expected. Eventually, though, through a line of strangers, I was able to contact her.

Originally, I was only able to obtain her brother’s name. Spencer didn’t have any online profiles so I felt the search was completely fruitless until one day he called me out of the blue. Initially, he had acted as a barrier to Mikaila because he was wary of what I wanted from her. He seemed worried that Raymond had sent me to open up the possibility for him to enter Mikaila’s life. Once I explained I had no ties to Raymond, Spencer let his guard down and promised to pass my contact information along. It took a while, but eventually Mikaila texted me. Immense relief and excitement welled up in my body as she expressed the same feelings of wanting to connect. However, I sensed some apprehension from her. Mikaila was four years younger than me and her mother’s hesitation had made her wary of opening up to me. I understood and hoped to erase any doubts.

Texas was calling once again. The land of barbecues and George Bush just kept sucking me back in like a black hole. I hoped not to drown this time around. Bringing my family together was all I ever wanted. The disappointment I had to swallow during my original visit was still settling in my stomach. I brought Isaac along just as I had when I met my father. Only this time he was now a living, breathing baby in the outside world. Inside the bustling airport, I searched for Mikaila and her mother, trying not to think back to my last visit. This trip had to be better. It just had to.

Tears sprung from my eyes as I made eye contact with my sister for the first time. This extremely emotional moment didn’t seem to faze Mikaila. Thankfully, her mother’s hug consoled any quick, judgmental negative energy on my part. After being disenchanted by my father, I hoped for a stronger bond with my half sister. Both of us had lived without a father, so I knew we had already had at least that much in common.

Outside the airport, I was feeling more positive as the hot sun beamed on my face. Maybe I was trying too hard to connect with Mikaila, but the attempts seemed so fruitless. We were two very different people and she was still so young. Her words were awkward and our differences made it difficult to communicate. The simplest things became complicated because of our major disconnection. She was a sweet girl. Why didn’t we get each other? I wish it had gone differently.

Despite my worsening mood, I was relieved to be reunited with my cousins. Kaylie, Carli, and Marlin were family. Although they were older than me (all in their mid-to-late twenties) we were in similar places in our lives and it was easy to connect with them. I had met them once long ago, but I was too young to have any memory of it. I never knew what family meant until I spent time with these women. Kaylie and I bonded the most, and not just because of the crazy coincidence of our similar names. She became a sister to me and I stayed with her for the majority of the time I was in Texas.

Having my family together, like we should have been from the start, felt so right. There was no looking back, only forward. Instead of wallowing in the pain of the past, we made the most of the week. The nights we spent hanging out together in Kaylie’s apartment made up for all of the childhood sleepovers we never had. I cherish those moments because of the effortless connection. I couldn’t wait to come back.

As I flew home to Pennsylvania, I realized that not only did I want to go back to Texas to visit, I wanted to move there permanently some day. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a family, a place where I felt I truly belonged. In Texas, I could have reliable support for Isaac. In Pennsylvania, the family I so desperately wanted and needed would be thousands of miles away.

My cousin Kaylie Terry, me, my cousin Carli Sander, and my half sister Mikaila Shelburne

Chapter 13

Love Comes to Town

Meanwhile, I had fallen into a rut since Jordan and I had broken up. I focused on finishing up my training to become a dental assistant, but I felt like I needed a major change in my life. We had been an on-again-and-off-again couple for a few months, but now we were for sure done. I had made that clear by changing jobs and distancing myself from him even as friends. Jordan’s support as a friend showed me that he cared about Isaac and me, but as much as I appreciated his presence and help, I knew it was time to move on. I quit working at Sports Authority and found a job at a clothing store at the mall in order to concentrate on making more money.

Working at a clothing store was a challenge because of the competitive pressure of working on commission. I pounced on customers as casually as I could to make a sale and up my check. I even managed to convince one guy to purchase a shirt that cost nearly a hundred dollars! Actually, he looked about fifteen so I assumed his dad was paying for it. He ended up bringing it back the next day and sadly my check dropped a notch. From a conversation we’d had the day before, he remembered I was having my wisdom teeth removed so he asked me if he could take me out for ice cream after. It was a sweet gesture, but there was no way I was going on a date with a high school sophomore.

But Javi was persistent. He reached out to me on Twitter, and I learned that he wasn’t fifteen, as I had thought, but nineteen. And his “dad” was actually his older brother, Sal. Javi was charming and forward enough to ask for my address so he could bring me ice cream on the day I had my wisdom teeth out—even though my cheeks were so swollen from the surgery, that wasn’t sure if I wanted to be seen by anyone.

At that point I still wasn’t completely over the breakup with Jordan and I didn’t want to admit to the excruciatingly painful feelings of liking someone new. There’s no healthy way to come to terms with the start of feelings for a new person when you aren’t over an old relationship. I felt like I should be focused on my career and taking care of Isaac, not getting tangled up with a new guy. But I couldn’t get Javi out of my head. I

After two months or so of hanging out as friends, Javi drove himself all the way to New York, where I was filming the Season 3 reunion show. At that point, I couldn’t deny his attraction to me any longer. No guy would drive over two hours in Manhattan traffic for just any old girl. He was definitely falling for me. I knew I had to tell Javi very bluntly that, no matter how flattered I was, nothing was going to happen between us. While my cast mates went out on an adventure in the city, I stayed back in my hotel room to take care of a friend who’d had too much to drink. At some point Javi and I found ourselves alone in the room and we were forced into the moment I had wanted to avoid. He asked me straight up if we would ever move past friendship.