Preservation (11 page)

My bed was my haven all week long, Carter, Dean, and Ryan all coming and going periodically to check on me. I hadn’t let the atlas move from my grip. I carried it around the apartment and kept it in sight, even brought it with me to the funeral and the wake. A heart attack had taken her from me, yet in some strange way, I’d already grieved her and had accepted the loss. I’d lost her long ago, and her physical death was closure, almost a relief, although I dared not say it aloud.

I stumbled through the stages of grief in the following weeks, holding onto the good memories I’d had of her, those that came before my father’s abandonment, and left the rest to lay with her in the casket. The good was what mattered. It was how I wanted to remember her.

“Can I get you anything else before I take off?” Ryan asked, kissing my forehead. He held me tight in his warm arms, resting one of his hands over mine, over the atlas.

“No. Thanks, though. I hope you have a good time. Drive safely, okay?”

“I will, don’t you worry. Are you sure Carter will be here at 5:00?”

“Yeah, he gets off work at 4:00. He’ll be here.”

“Alright, I’m just a phone call away if you need me.” He gently slipped me out of his arms and covered me with the blanket, leaning down to kiss me goodbye. “I’ll be thinking of you.” He sent me a soft smile and turned for the door. When I heard the lock turn, I forced myself up and into the shower, leaving the atlas on the bathroom counter. Toting it with me out to the kitchen when I was done, I set it down and examined the small white envelope Carter had left in the kitchen the night he’d come in and found Ryan and me together. I’d never bothered to open it, leaving it buried underneath a mound of junk mail.
Oops.

I took a big sip of orange juice straight from the carton and sliced open the envelope, dropping the carton when I saw the necklace. My mentor and best friend’s rabbit-pendant necklace, the one I’d sold to my neighbor to make the rent during the beginning of the fall semester.

“How...oh my...” I found the kitchen stool and staggered over to it, sitting down to stare at the cherished accessory, ice cold OJ in a puddle around my feet. “Oh, Carter.” The tears started flowing and before I knew it, I was in a pool of them on the counter while I bounced back and forth from a hysterical laugh to a painful weep, mostly settling somewhere in between. I held the atlas in one hand and the necklace in the other, remnants of the women who’d shaped me, pieces that would haunt and feed me until the end of my days.

As promised, Carter showed up at 5:00 sharp, lifting me up off the stool when he found me huddled over the counter. Dean came in a few minutes later.

“Come here, babe,” Dean said, helping Carter ease me on to the couch.

“No, no.” I shrugged them off and stood to my feet. “I can’t sit around here and wallow anymore.” I blew my nose and turned for my bedroom. “Don’t get too comfortable. You’re taking me out.” Dean and Carter glanced at each other and began to whisper as I shut the door to change.

“She’s lost it. I don’t think we should take her out like this.”

“Where the hell have you been, man? She lost it weeks ago. She’s just getting warmed up.”

***

The club was loud.
Really loud.
Loud was good. I couldn’t take much more silence. I jumped around to the music with Dean, Carter, and Crystal, taking shots and laughing my ass off. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed that hard. As the booze started to flow, the good judgment went right along with it. Dean was rambling, confessing his undying love for Crystal—to her face—and Carter was blabbing on about how he swore he was adopted. I was about to divulge too much information about my bedroom escapades with Ryan when two blondes approached us, smiling giddily at Dean.

“Okay, Crystal, how about we make our way to the front of the stage?” Carter half scooted, half fell off his stool, grabbing a very drunk, very irritated Crystal, dragging her away from our table.
Good thinking, Carter.

I glared at Dean and cleared my throat, gesturing for him to do away with the blondes.

“Ladies, no autographs tonight, sorry.” He ran his hand through his hair and took a swig of his beer, then shrugged at me.

“We don’t want autographs, Dean.” The one blonde leaned on his shoulder, brushing his hair back. “How about you come dance with us? We haven’t seen you around campus, we miss you, baby.”

“Are you blind?” I spoke up, pissed that Dean was letting them hang on him when Crystal was in plain view. “He’s here with someone.”

“Who asked you, honey?”

“Hey
honey,
how about you and your little friend here both run along and find another musician to drool over. You’re in a club full of them.”

“Oh, so bitter. What, haven’t had your chance with Dean? So sad, too bad.” The other blonde piped up now, hovering on the other side of Dean.

“Dean, end this right now.” I ignored her, grinding my teeth.

“All right, ladies. Move along, nothing to see here. You heard the woman.” Dean tried shooing them away to no avail.

“How about you mind your own business, sweetie.” The mouthier of the two blondes sneered at me, sizing me up. “We know all about you and Professor Campbell. Heard you’re screwing him even though he’s with Alisha. You’re in no position to be judging us.”

“What did you just say to me?” I stood up, the booze making me brave.

“You heard me. You’re no better than us.”

“Yeah,” the other bimbo chimed in, “how does it feel to be Ryan’s latest conquest? He loves a good challenge, you know. Won’t be long now before he gets bored of you and tosses you out like the rest of us.” The girls started giggling, relishing my reaction. My face dropped, went completely pale. “Let me guess, he gave you the ‘I won’t touch you unless you drop my class’ spiel, right?”

Dean eyed me nervously and finally came to my defense. “Shut your mouths. Now. Get lost.”

“So pathetic,” one of them snickered, rolling her eyes and taking her friend by the hand to leave. “Tell Ryan I still have his jacket if he wants it. And oh, he’s fond of ménage. If you two ever need someone, give us a call.” Their laughter got louder as they shuffled away into the crowd. The color continued to drain from my face, stealing away the little bit of life that I had left.

He’d been with these girls. These were the girls Dean told Carter about.
How many more were there?

Oh, God.
I suddenly felt sick and darted for the club entrance, in need of some fresh air. The moment I hit the sidewalk pavement, I started retching, bending over in the corner near the parking garage. Dean poked his head out the front door past the bouncers and called to me.

“Kate, it’s okay, babe. I’m grabbing Carter and Crystal, hold on.”

I took a deep breath and leaned against the building’s brick wall, holding my stomach while I searched my handbag for my cell phone. Scrolling through my voicemail messages, I found nothing from Ryan. He said he’d call when he made it to Portland but never did.

“What the hell happened?” Carter came rushing over to me, turning to question Dean. He handed me a bottle of water and a napkin.

“Some bimbos were running their mouths to her about Ryan. Come on, let’s get her home.” Dean started waving for a cab. Crystal and Carter held me up, each with a hand underneath one armpit. Back at my flat, we all passed out: me in my bed, Crystal and Dean half on the couch, half on the floor, and Carter in the bathtub.

The next morning, I pulled myself out of bed and wandered to my bathroom to find Dean taking pictures of Carter in the tub. He kept messing with his phone, laughing under his breath, grinning like a school boy. He’d positioned my loofah in Carter’s arms so it looked like he was cradling it and had propped a throw blanket over him.

“Dean...for the love of God...”

“The guys will eat this shit up!” he snickered and snapped a few more shots, turning to me with urgency in his tone. “Kate, please tell me you have a rubber ducky. Oh God,
please
tell me you have one.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Oh, sure. Let me get right on that. I’ll just go get my bathtub toy box and
bust one out
.”

Enthusiasm set fire to his eyes, his grin widening with delight.

“Damn it, Dean!” I slapped him across the back of the head. “No, I don’t have a rubber ducky, for crying out loud. Leave him alone, the poor guy.” I turned to the counter and snatched up my toothpaste and toothbrush.

“No Bert and Ernie shampoo, either?” He shook his head and threw his hands up in the air, finally shoving his phone in his pocket. “We seriously need to stock your bathroom, Kate. These are critical items, do you understand?
Must-have items
. For moments
exactly
like this.”

My laughter sent the toothpaste down the wrong tube as I brushed and I erupted into a choking fit, causing Carter to stir. Kicking Dean out of the bathroom, I closed the door and finished brushing my teeth, handing Carter some aspirin and a glass of water when I was done. I sat on the edge of the tub, waiting for him to awaken from his groggy stupor.

“How about I make you some breakfast? You’ll feel better.” I rubbed his shoulder and wet a washcloth, pressing it to his forehead to wipe the hair from his eyes.

“How. Are you up? And cheerful? And looking gorgeous?” He attempted to sit up, his voice raspy. “You were the one puking last night.”

“Yeah, well. I might be a lightweight, but I have recovery superpowers you lushes would kill for.” I smiled down at him, wondering if he realized he really did look as bad as he probably felt.

“You don’t know how much it means to me that you bought that necklace back, Carter. There aren’t words. Thank you.”

“If I would’ve known it would send you into a breakdown and a puddle of orange juice, I never would have given it to you.” He grinned sleepily, stretching his arms out.

“Well, it was worth it.”

“Any word from lover boy?”

“No.” I stood and brushed my hair, not wanting to talk about Ryan. He’d be back this afternoon, and he told me he’d come straight to my apartment from Portland. But I wasn’t ready to face him.

“Trouble in paradise already?” Carter crawled out of the tub and I helped lift him over the ledge. He didn’t make it far, making his next stop on top of the toilet seat. “Kate, you can’t listen to those girls. You already knew about his past. He told you, right? So what happened to giving him the benefit of the doubt and all that happy horse shit?”

The fact that Carter was saying these things, trying to encourage me to go easy on Ryan said a lot. He either had the same good instincts about him that I did, or he was just a really, really good friend. I figured both options were possible, but the latter was definite.

“I’ll deal with it later.”

“Kate...”

“Carter, drop it.”

“Fine. I’m too weak to argue.”

“Good. I’m going to make breakfast.”

After making everyone coffee and toast I slipped back into bed with my laptop to write. Despite my run in with Playmates of the Year last night and my weepy episode yesterday before we went out, I was feeling better than I had in weeks. I could feel my strength returning. Inspiration had ebbed and flowed since my mom passed, but my unease about Ryan had oddly sparked a much-needed reminder of why I didn’t want or need a serious relationship. Why I needed to stay focused on school and on finishing my novel. No one was going to take any of that focus from me, all I’d worked so hard to build on my own over the past few years. I’d continue to hold myself up all on my own just like I always had.

Staring out the window, I paused typing for a second, turning my head when Ryan slipped through the bedroom door.

“Hey,” he whispered, his face flushed with affection. “How are you feeling? You look better. You’re up writing. That’s...great.” He slid off his suit jacket and unbuttoned his sleeves and collar before sliding into bed next to me.
Of course.
He had to look perfectly scrumptious.

“You’re early.”

“Yeah, traffic from Portland was dead this hour on Sunday morning.” He leaned in to kiss me but I pulled away, my eyes fixed on the laptop screen.

“Kate? What’s going on? I missed you, come here.” He tried pulling me to him, but I pushed at his chest and swung my legs over the other side of the bed to stand.

“We all went out last night and I met some girls you screwed around with.”

His gaze drifted toward the window and his shoulders sank, shame pulling the corner of his lips down into a somber frown. “And?”

“And it shouldn’t have upset me because I already knew...you’d already told me...”

“But it did. Bother you.”

“It was something one of the girls said to me. I can’t shake it.”

He stood swiftly, walking around the bed to take me in his arms. “Tell me, Kate. Tell me what she said and at least give me a chance to defend myself. I can see it all over your face, you’re already thinking about throwing me out.”