Preservation (10 page)

“We need to talk, Carter. Come on, don’t just take off like this. You haven’t spoken to me in weeks.”

“I can’t believe you did this, Kate. I just can’t believe...” He hung his head when the elevator bell sounded, the doors opening wide. “I just never thought...not you.”

“Not me, what. Just say it. You want to lecture me? You’re pissed, fine. So go on and say it.”

“I never thought you’d be so stupid to fall for his bullshit.” He moved into the elevator and hit a button. “Whatever. It’s your funeral.” The doors slid and covered him, leaving me standing in the hall, listening to their low hum. I’d run my best friend off. I’d let him down and crushed him in a matter of seconds. I’d wanted Carter to back off, didn’t want to feel burdened because of his feelings for me, the ones that weren’t mutual. Now I’d really made sure he’d back off.

“Do you want me to go?” Ryan asked quietly when I returned to the apartment. He sat on the edge of the bed, putting his shoes on.

“No, it’s fine. He’s just...” I stood at the bedroom doorway, crossed my arms.

“I’ve seen him with you before. You’re together.”

“No, we’re not. Just friends.”

“With benefits.”

“Nope. Not at all.”

“Well, he’s got it bad. Can’t blame him.”

“That’s what
he
says. Shit.” I leaned my head back against the side of the door frame. “Sorry...about that.”

“I think what you just went through with Alisha today was far worse.” Ryan stood and came to me, gently rubbed my forearm. “I better go. He’s right about me, you know. When you find out who I am, you’ll realize you deserve better. Much better.”

“I thought we just talked about this,” I reached out and anchored myself to him, wrapping my arms tight around his neck. “It’s who you
were
, not who you are.”

“If you’re not kicking me out, we should talk...about everything.”

I led him to the couch and we both sat down, ready to face the inevitable.

“I won’t drop your class.”

“Please, Kate. I can’t stay away from you now. I’m a goner.” He reached over to pull me onto his lap. “But I don’t want to be that asshole professor anymore.”

“You’re not to me. So, who cares what the rest of them think?”

A distant gaze settled on his face, his brow furrowed.

I took his face in my hands. “
You’re not to me.
I won’t think that of you, so just remove that from the equation right now.”

“My reputation is already shot to hell. I don’t need more rumors going around, and I’ll be far too distracted.” He lightened up a bit, turning to pull on my earlobe with his teeth, coaxing goose bumps up on the back of my neck .

“It’ll cause even more rumors if I drop your class. And now that Carter and Dean know...”

“Who’s Dean?”

“Another good friend of mine. He’s tight with Carter and he’s the one who told Carter all about you in the first place. Not that they’re the type of guys to run their mouths, but it still makes me uneasy.”

“He did, did he?” His lips set into a frown. “Well I already swore to Alisha that you dropped my class, that you weren’t my student. It was the only thing I could think of to try to mollify her after she saw us together. She dumped me, so I don’t see how she thinks it’s any of her business anyway.”

“You what?” I leaned back to look him straight in the eye. “You can’t be serious.”

“We didn’t exactly have time to prepare for any of this. The best thing we can do right now is damage control. If we want to be together, you shouldn’t be my student and we need to lay some ground rules.”

Be together. He wants to be together.
Well, this definitely changes things
.

“Ground rules.”

“Yes, ground rules.”

“Ugh, you are such a teacher.” I rolled my eyes.

“And you’re a natural-born rebel, aren’t you, Ms. Parker? I’m sensing a strong aversion to authority in those beautiful bones of yours,” he pulled at my chin and smiled when I squirmed away.

“Okay, professor. What are these ground rules, exactly?”

“We stay away from each other on campus, which means no more nightly swims together. And you transfer classes.”

I remained silent, knowing I had to stand my ground. Steering clear of one another at school would be a cinch, but dropping the class wasn’t an option. “Look, Ryan. I’m not about to drop everything, change my whole schedule mid-semester, and transfer classes just because we’re...interested in one another. Considering a relationship with you—or anyone—is already a stretch for me right now. It’s hard to think about having one at all. And after what I just saw today with you and Alisha...you’re—”

“Totally ready for one,” he finished.

“Huh? But what about the blonde, too? Is she—”

“She’s history. I won’t see her again, you have my word.”

“So...you’re ready for a relationship?”

“I told you, Kate. Alisha and I have been broken up. The blonde was just...a distraction. And then you came along.” He pushed the hair back from my face. “You’re a game changer for me. Is that clear enough for you?”

I leaned into his palm, flattered, but aware I needed to tread carefully here. The thought of a relationship with someone was not appealing to me, but Ryan wasn’t just anyone. He made every other Average Joe pale in comparison, and my instincts told me he was worth the effort. He was a game changer for me, too, and I needed him to know that. But I wasn’t about to turn my world upside down. There was too much happening, too fast.

“But I understand if you don’t feel the same way.” He recoiled his hand from my face, breaking my train of thought.

“It’s not that.” I placed my hand on his knee. “The feeling’s mutual. I just don’t have time for anything high maintenance right now, Ryan. And dropping my class to be with you is high maintenance. You’ll have to think of some other way to get Alisha to back off, I’m sorry.” I stood up now, feeling irritated, although I wasn’t sure what I was more irritated with: the redheaded beauty who had to witness my scene with Ryan earlier, or myself for allowing Ryan in to stir up my world.“If the dean’s already aware you’ve dated your students before, another rumor isn’t going to make a difference, even if Alisha opens her mouth. What validity does she have, anyway? They’ll see that she’s just a jealous ex-girlfriend who wants to cause drama. What are the No Fraternization policy specifics, do you know?”

“Relationships are discouraged, not prohibited.”

“Well, then what’s the problem?”

“It’s not just about my job’s policy, Kate.” He stood up now, following me to the kitchen. I removed a glass from the cupboard and filled it at the tap, then took a slow sip . “I told you, it matters to me, personally. Can you understand that?”

“I can. I understand it’s important to you. But you
did
pursue me, and now we’re in this.” I waved my hand between the two of us. “I do recall your words being something to the effect of ‘I won’t touch you unless you drop my class.’ And I never agreed to that.”

Ryan rubbed his face in his hands and looked at me disapprovingly. “I take responsibility for that. But if you won’t bend, we need to find an alternative. This will reflect poorly on the school and on me, and I’m trying to leave all that shit behind me.” He shuffled forward and pulled me against him, sticking his forehead to mine. “But tell me about this you-not-wanting-a-relationship business. I need to know what I’m in for, here. Do you want to see other people?”

I peered up into his eyes, carefully considering my words before I spoke.

Honesty’s the best policy here, Kate.

“No. I want to see you exclusively, but you need to know upfront that I’m not looking for anything serious. Casual is all I have time for, so if you’re not up for that...”

“I can do casual.” He scooped down and stole a kiss, one that turned from slow and careful to passionate and hungry. “I can do anything you want,” he whispered, his words melting into my mouth as he lifted me up into his arms. And then we were on the counter, and all of my worries about Carter, school, and Alisha’s threats were heaped onto the floor along with our pile of clothing.

***

Saturday morning, I raced around my room, trying to get dressed and have a debate on the phone with Dean about whether pumpkin pie or apple pie was the best Thanksgiving dessert. He was adamant that apple pie was the superior choice, but I didn’t back down on my pumpkin pie team spirit.

“Dean, I don’t have time to argue with you over pie, damn it! I have to get ready. How about I call you back when I get home from my mom’s so we can ponder the meaning of life, okay? You know, something of a little more significance.”

“Kate, if you don’t share my passion for apple pie, there’s no way this friendship is going to work.”

There was a knock at the door. I dropped my hangers and hurried to answer it. Carter stood there, our grocery totes in hand.

“Um, Dean...Carter’s here. Gotta go.” I hung up on him, holding the door open in shock. “Hi...you’re here.”

“It’s Saturday. Are we going to the market or not?” He slipped past me, tucking the tote bags underneath his arm.

“Yeah, sure...” I didn’t move. “I guess this means you’re ready to talk?”

“Guess so.”

“Okay, let me just change. Hold on.”

We walked down to Pike’s Market and resumed our usual Saturday routine, shopping for my mom’s groceries. We bought her enough to last the week and then delivered them to her every Saturday around noon.

It always meant the world to me that Carter came with me. He knew how painful it was for me to visit my mom, to see her condition and to be reminded of my past. When my dad left, she shut down. She quit her job, lost our house to foreclosure, and basically became a zombie because of the drugs. I had to learn to fend for myself at a very young age, and I never really got her back after that. She’d hold a conversation with me, but there was an emptiness in her eyes, a robotic response to her voice.

“So what’s the deal with Mr. Suave? Is he officially your new boy toy?” Carter asked as we sauntered through the market, picking up my mom’s favorite chocolate pasta and fresh melons. He gave me a small, truce-like smile. He was trying, and I really appreciated it.

“We’re not officially anything,” I answered, lingering at the bakery window, contemplating whether or not to treat myself to something sweet. “I mean, we’ve agreed to see each other exclusively, but on casual terms. He knows how I feel about getting into a relationship. He wanted me to drop his class, but I won’t do that, so we’ve agreed to keep our distance on campus and limit our time together until the semester’s up.”

“That won’t be easy if you’re crazy about each other.”

I stopped ogling the pastries for a moment, chewing over Carter’s words. He was feeling me out, wanted to know how interested I was in Ryan, and this was his way of doing it. I knew him too well.

“We like each other a lot, Carter. It’ll take some discipline, don’t get me wrong. But I just met the guy. No one’s going crazy over anyone just yet.”

“Well it’s going to take some discipline on my part to keep my cool around him. I swear, if he hurts you, Kate...I can’t be held responsible for what I’d do to him.”

“I told you, it’s not your job to rescue or defend me.” I linked my arm with his and ushered us away from the bakery window. “I appreciate your concern, and I know what Dean’s told you about him, but you have to trust my judgment.”

“Oh. Right. There’s something
good
about him, apparently.”

“There is, Carter. The guy’s earned a shitty reputation but he owns up to it. He says he’s done with all of that, and I believe him. Haven’t you ever wanted to start over? Doesn’t it offend you and make you feel worse when someone doubts your sincerity? Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. And in the meantime,” I slipped one of the tote bags higher on my shoulder, “what we do or don’t do is our business. You and Dean need to play nice and stay out of it, okay?”

“If that’s what it takes, Kate.”

I thought about his strange choice of words but didn’t question him. Whatever tension was still brewing between us, I wanted to keep it at bay and if at all possible, extinguish it entirely. This conversation was over.

We made our way out of the market and toward my mom’s place, setting the heavy grocery bags down at the doorstep for a second before knocking. No answer.

“She always has the TV on so loud, she can never hear us in there.” I rummaged through my purse for the apartment key, while Carter waited patiently behind me. I propped open the door and we picked up the bags, taking a step inside.

“No,” was all I could manage when I saw her there on the floor, slumped on the carpet with a burnt-out cigarette still perched in her right hand. The bags of groceries dropped to the floor and I followed them, immediately erupting into deep, heavy sobs that made Earth and time stand still at their feet.

9. ATLAS

I ran my fingers over the ancient-looking world atlas, the last gift my mother ever gave me. It was singlehandedly the most significant gift she’d given me because it represented the very best of her—the part of her that was left even after she’d checked out on life. She’d always had a bad case of wanderlust and never had the chance to travel to her dream destinations. The damage the drugs had done to her body after my father’s absence prevented her from ever having the chance to go. When I opened the old tattered book on Christmas Eve, she’d said to me, “I found it at a garage sale. This way, if you’re ever lost, you can find any place in the world and you’ll know exactly where to go.” It was this one gift that told me she loved me in the only way she knew how. A medium for her to share her dreams with me and to encourage me to chase my own.