I could do nothing but listen while my heart broke all over again for Beth, Killian, and Michael.
“Killian didn’t speak except to his brother that entire first year. The only reason I fought my husband so badly on turning off the machines was Killian. Michael is his twin and I couldn’t separate them. I found a strength I didn’t know I had. When school started, I would drop Killian off and he would just stare at me with dead eyes. He spoke to no one, not his teachers or his school friends. I picked him up each day and drove him to the hospital. Killian would walk into the room, take his brother’s hand, and start talking. He’d tell him everything and then go home at night completely silent until the following day at the hospital.”
Beth wiped a tear from her cheek and smiled gently.
“We found a therapist. He suggested that we keep Killian from his brother’s side for two days each week and give him a chance to have time alone with his thoughts; no hospital, just a young boy who would get bored quickly. He walked more than ten miles when we tried it. A woman picked him up and gave him a ride the rest of the way to the hospital, which was forty miles away. A nurse called us. Killian had told the driver his brother was in the hospital and he needed a ride. I think it was the only words he spoke in six months outside of Michael’s room.”
Several more tears fell and I took Beth’s hand.
“Eight months after the accident, Killian and Michael turned ten years old. By then, Michael had been moved to a long-term rehab facility that was closer to our home. It was a horrible birthday because Killian was determined his brother would come back to himself that day. It didn’t matter what I or his therapist told him. Killian thought his brother would be okay. It was heart wrenching to see his birthday wish turn to dust.
“My husband was angry all the time and blamed himself for taking us to that summer house. He started drinking, and Killian started fighting in school. For a while, I thought Killian got himself suspended on purpose. If he wasn’t in school, he could sit with his brother.”
I looked at my friends. Tears ran down Amanda’s face and Lyle looked everywhere but at us. I took a drink of water not knowing how much more I could take. At the same time, I needed to hear this story.
“Angus, Killian’s father, left about a year after the accident. It was almost a blessing. I went back to work part-time to help make ends meet. Slowly, Killian started talking again, but he wasn’t the same child I’d known for nine years. He still spoke to Michael and I heard him say he would make enough money when he was older so Michael could live back at home. His fighting at school didn’t stop. I had to transfer him to different schools twice. Angus lost his job and with it his health insurance. I had to move Michael into a lower-priced facility and I rented a home close by in a poorer section of town. There was nothing else I could do. I have no idea how many busted noses and split lips I doctored on Killian. Those were the wounds I could see.
“It shocked the hell out of me when Killian told me he was trying out for the high school freshman football team. Somewhere in Killian’s mind, he’d decided he could learn to play football and go directly pro to pay for all the things we needed. The fights slowed down and you never saw Killian anywhere without a football in his hand. We’d visit Michael and Killian would rest that ball in Michael’s lap. ‘He smiled mom,’ he said the first time Michael reacted. And, it was amazing because it was true. After that, if Killian wasn’t in school or at the rehabilitation center, he practiced. The varsity coach took notice and Killian was the starting quarterback his junior year. He took all his pent up rage and put it into the game. He’s never stopped.”
Beth squeezed my hand and continued. “Angus died in an automobile accident Killian’s first year of college. He wasn’t drunk, but a drunk driver hit and killed him. We’d never filed for divorce, so I received the insurance settlement. Killian and I made the decision together that I would quit my job and bring Michael home. I never saw Killian’s college games, but when he wasn’t in class or at practice, he spent every spare second helping me care for Michael. Killian even let me go on a few dates while he stayed with his brother. The Scorpions drafted Killian in the first round. He didn’t buy anything for himself for two years, but he moved us here, bought my house, and paid for nurses to help care for Michael.”
Beth turned in her chair and took both my hands. “Since meeting you, he’s slowly come back to me. He’s happy outside of football and I never thought I would see that. Two years ago, Killian promised his brother he’d win the Super Bowl for him. Killian isn’t going to take this well. Have patience with him, and whatever you do, don’t let go.”
What could I do or say? This woman had been through so much and loved her boys. I loved them, too.
“I won’t. I promise.”
***
Killian’s surgery took two hours and he came through without complications. I went down and spoke with his teammates and then Amanda drove me to my apartment to shower and change clothes. I hurried back to the hospital so Beth could get home to Michael and be sure he was okay.
I walked back into Killian’s room. He was awake and staring straight up at the ceiling. I tried speaking to him, but he refused to acknowledge I was there. I thought about everything Beth told me and realized Killian had to be the most stubborn man on the planet. I could play that game, too, so I refused to leave. His silence was heartbreaking, but not as bad as when one of his teammates showed up. Killian gave me a dead look, and, using monosyllable words, told me to step out of the room. This went on for two days. I arrived at the hospital to take him home on the third day. Blitz was in the room packing Killian’s things.
“Can you give me a minute, Blitz?” Killian asked him.
Blitz left the room and Killian looked at me for a long minute before speaking. “I’m fine, Rebecca. It would be better if you went back to your apartment. I won’t be needing your help.”
My heart clenched and my stomach tightened in misery. “Don’t do this, Killian. You do need help and that’s what people do when they love each other.”
His gaze never left mine. “Then maybe that’s the problem. I don’t love you enough and I don’t want you caring for me.”
I stared for a moment and then straightened my back and challenged him. “You’re a fool.” Anger tightened every muscle in my body.
“If it makes you feel better, you can give me a going home blow job. Otherwise, it’s time that you leave.”
He did not just say that!
I took several deep breaths and walked toward him. He very calmly pulled back the sheet and lifted his hospital gown. He was going from semi-erect to a full erection. I wanted to grab his dick and twist…hard. Looking into his eyes, I saw no emotion. I turned and walked out the door.
Fuck Killian MacGregor.
I didn’t run for two days. On the third, I angrily pulled on my running clothes and ran until I almost passed out. I pushed again the following morning. It became my daily stress reliever. A week after leaving the hospital, I called Killian’s mother.
“I tried.” I could barely speak because of the sobs built up in my throat.
“I know, dear. Don’t cry. Killian will snap out of it. He’s stubborn and doesn’t want anyone around right now.” Weariness was evident in each word Beth spoke.
“Have you seen him?”
“Yes, last night. It wasn’t pleasant. If not for his injury, I’d take a two-by-four to his head.”
The thought of Killian in pain made me cringe, but her words also helped me gain control of my emotions. “Is someone helping him?”
“Not really. Killian works through these things in his own way and eventually he’ll come to terms with he isn’t infallible. Shit happens and it’s not the end of the world.”
I needed to change the subject. Thinking of Killian alone in his large home, in pain, with no one helping him hurt deeply. “How’s Michael?”
“He’s aware things are tense right now. You visiting might calm him.”
“I would love to.”
“Are you available tomorrow night at six?”
“Perfect. What can I bring?”
After we ended our conversation, I called Amanda.
“Can you follow me to Killian’s so I can drop the Mustang off tomorrow night?”
“Give it more time, Rebecca. The jerk will come around sooner or later.”
Amanda called Killian “the jerk” every chance she got. I understood and knew she cared about me, but I loved Killian.
“Amanda,” I chided.
“I know, but he is a jerk.”
“Will you help me tomorrow night or not?”
“Of course I’ll help you.”
Killian had his own key to the Mustang. I used the remote on the visor and opened the large wrought iron gate at Killian’s house. I locked the key inside the car along with a brief note. Amanda drove me to Beth’s and dropped me off.
Seeing Beth and Michael was wonderful and also heartbreaking. We ate dinner, talked about anything non-Killian, and took Michael for a walk after wrapping him tightly in blankets.
“Thank you for having me over, Beth.”
“You’re welcome and you’re invited any time.”
Over Beth’s objections, I took the bus home. I had to walk half a mile from the bus stop to my apartment, but it felt good, even in the chilly air.
I turned the last corner and saw the Mustang parked on the street. A thrill went through me. It lasted until I saw the note on my door.
Rebecca,
The car is a gift and I’m NOT returning the gifts you gave to me. I’ve packed your personal items from my house and secured them in the trunk. This is for the best and eventually, if you haven’t already, you will understand I am no good for you.
K
Anger squeezed my heart. He was walking away because he fucking got hurt. He wasn’t going to the Super Bowl, so he no longer needed me.
I found both keys to the Mustang under the front mat. I removed the items from the trunk, mostly clothes, and walked them to the nearest Dumpster. If Killian was present I would have shredded every last piece in front of him. I managed to control myself and not kick the Mustang.
I put the keys in a drawer and decided to forget the car belonged to me, because in my mind, it didn’t.
After I crawled into bed, my anger turned to tears. Killian punished himself by getting rid of me. The thought just made me cry harder.
I hit the pavement the following morning and increased my time by five minutes. Track was starting soon and it was my last year. I decided to give it everything I had. Over the following weeks, I immersed myself in running and academics.
“Eight minutes under your best time, Cavanaugh,” my couch shouted.
I’d cut my morning run to ten miles because Monday through Friday I was running with the team each afternoon. Our first meet was three weeks away and it was one month post-Killian. Running exorcised my demons, so I gave it everything I had.
The Scorpions had lost the first game of the playoffs the week after Killian was injured. I felt bad for the entire team and had spoken to Malory once over the phone.
“Blitz is impossible to live with. You’d think they announced the end of the world. The guys had a drink fest at Killian’s this past weekend and I left early.” She stopped talking for a moment. “I’m sorry, Rebecca. I shouldn’t mention Killian, but I have no idea what’s come over the man.”
I kept my tone light, though I felt sick to my stomach. “No, you shouldn’t mention Killian, but I feel bad for the entire team.”
“Yeh, so do I. We need to get together and drown our sorrows,” she said half-heartedly.
“I’m in season right now and not drinking. Maybe after I graduate we can get together.”
Our phone call ended painfully. Things weren’t the same, and I was no longer a wife or girlfriend. I really didn’t belong in Malory’s world and I knew it.
My first meet approached and I rested two days prior, giving my body a break. I’d lost weight I couldn’t afford to lose, but other than a broken heart, I felt in the best shape of my life. Amanda and Lyle took me out to dinner Thursday night and, unfortunately, we ran into my sister.
“Hi, sis. I heard the quarterback dumped you,” Candi said out of pure meanness.
Thankfully, Amanda and I occupied a booth and Amanda had the inside seat. I pushed against her when I thought she might fly over me and across the table at my sister. The two of them had never gotten along.
“Yes, Candi, I got dumped. Is there anything else you need?”
Candi’s face twisted into a sneer. “I saw Killian’s brother at that game. I bet you were so happy with yourself.”
“Why ever would I be happy with myself?”
“You thought I might sink low enough to go out with some tard for money.”
This time, Lyle and Amanda held me back while my sister just stood there looking bored.
“Michael MacGregor is entirely too good for you, but if you play your cards right, Killian is available and the two of you deserve each other. I’d keep my ‘tard’ comments to myself, though, because Killian loves Michael.”
“You’re pathetic, sis. Like I’d take a chance one of my kids would get that gene.”
Amanda dropped my arm. “Lyle let her go. Kick her ass, Rebecca. She’s needed it for years. I don’t normally believe in violence, but I’m changing my opinion.”
I looked at my friends and they looked back at me. Lyle broke first and then we all started laughing. It felt good and by the look on Candi’s face, it had the desired effect. She left.
“Are you sure the two of you are related?” Lyle asked.
“I’ve thought for years that I was adopted. I’m so much taller than my mom, look nothing like Candi, and usually don’t have her bitchy disposition. Maybe she was dropped on her head at birth.”
Amanda picked up her water glass and proposed a toast. “Here’s to bitchy sisters, fucked up straight men, and friendship.”
We clinked our glasses. “Here, here.”
I loved my friends and when all was said and done, I loved my sister. I also felt sorry for her. I didn’t think she’d ever truly known love from a man. Though my heart still hurt with Killian’s loss, I wouldn’t change anything but the ending of our relationship.
And… I would always love Killian MacGregor.